The first year of high school. This was in 2016 I think, but it was the worst year of my life. I want to post on here to see if anyone else can relate or to show them that it will get better.

I remember the first day of school, I was nervous because everything was so new and I had no clue what to expect. The only person I knew was my twin and I was so lucky to have her there because I don’t know where I would be today if she had not been there with me. To be honest, I don’t think I spoke to anybody else for the first couple of days. Everyone was so loud and outgoing. They seemed to know everyone so well, yet I couldn’t gather up the courage to say hello to the person beside me. I remember going home that day exhausted, holding back tears and wondering how I could spend the next 7 years of my life in this hell whole.

It wasn’t until a couple days in until me and my twin finally mustered up the courage to ask a group of girls whether or not we could sit next to them. They were all nice and said yes so we sat with them and I ended up sitting next to them for the rest of the year. Not for one second did I think they actually liked me though. I thought that they were too nice to say anything, they found me annoying and ugly. I thought that they just liked my twin and I was the annoying sister that tagged along. They all seemed so beautiful, confident and smart and then there was just me. Even at one point, my twin was in the same class as one of them and they said ‘at least I have one of my friends in my class’ and I still didn’t believe they like me. Even though they literally said it out loud that they saw me as a friend. My brain just could not accept it.

Every night, for what seemed like half the school year, I would cry in my room at night. And I know that sounds so ridiculous but I did because I was so scared for the next day. I was scared I would fail school. I was scared I would never make a friend. I literally couldn’t help it. My mum would come into my room most nights, seeing me crying and I felt like such a nuisance. I mean who cries in high school right. I can’t describe to you the fear and hurt I had. I had no clue how I could move on from that. I truly believed my life would be like that forever and I hated myself so much for that. One time in biology class, on of my friends saw that I was nearly in tears and she asked me how I was. Like genuinely asked as though she cared about me. How weird is that right? I swear to god though, 2016 me was worse at taking hints than a man. I mean they just flew right past me.

I am going to leave the rest of the depressing stuff because, well, you can get the jist of how terrible it was. Traumatizing some may say. But lets go onto the present. Yes, it has gotten better, and you better believe it.

You know that group of girls I was talking about, the ones I sat next to during lunch. Well, yeah, 5 years on and they have been my best friends throughout high school. No drama, just great, caring, reliable friends. There is only 5 of us in our group, including me and my twin, so it is quite small to be honest, but I know them so well. We get on like we have known each other forever and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. One of my favorite quotes is ‘what would you rather? 2 pound coins or 200 pennies? The 2 pound coins obviously. Each one is so much more valuable. It doesn’t take up so much room and they are more useful to me. Where as, if you got 200 pennies you would always be losing them or giving them away. They take up so much room and each one is worth nothing. They don’t matter much. Replace the money with friends. Would you rather 2 great friends that you adore and get along with so well, or 200 acquaintances? Yes you could say they are all your friends, but you don’t know them all that well. You lose some, throw them away. The don’t mean a lot to you. So eventually you are left with 1 or 2 who you don’t really like and maybe someday you will have 0. Always appreciate your close friends.’. I love that quote so much because it is so true. I was always so fixated on becoming popular, having the most followers on Instagram, knowing everybody. I was so sad that I never had that. For years I had to accept that I wasn’t one of the ‘popular kids’. But now I know that that doesn’t matter. I am never going to lose these friends and they are such an important part of my life now.

As for the other parts of school life, I don’t cry at night… not for those reasons anyways. I get decent grades. I have friends. Sure I still get the same thoughts at points but they are less frequent now. So many things change and if you are in the same position that I was in now, just know that it is OK to feel that way. I have felt similarly and it is so much better now, trust me. It may take a while but it is part of the process. It is just going to make you appreciate what you have in the future more. I am so sorry if you are going through this and if you are please dm me on Instagram (@period_t1) and you can talk to me about it.

Thank you so much for reading this and I hope you found it beneficial for yourself or gave you a better understanding of how others may feel. Make sure to be kind to everyone. Start a conversation because you never know, they could be your best friend. Just be yourself and don’t let anyone take you for granted PERIODT.