Lately, I feel like the zoom classes have been as much of an emotional roller coaster as me. I mean, it is intimidating really. I mean I have felt almost everything on these zoom calls

Sadness

So this one is a given. I mean of course I am never going to go on a class happy. That is not what they intended. The most boring part of the day is now done in the most boring way. I mean at least in school I had someone to talk to when I am not bothered to learn, but now I only have the wall to stare at when I am not bothered to learn. I mean they really took the saying ‘I may as well be talking to a wall to a whole new level. Like damn. Every morning I just lie there for a second like ‘fuck’. You know. Another day of boredom. And I am in my GCSE years so I still have a full day of classes and they expect me to deal with it. Em no thank you. Scrolling down to the link, clicking on it, then staring at your teacher in a small cube is one of the saddest things I could do. No joke, at some points I do that wee office thing where you just stare of into the distance as though there is a camera, and in my head I’m like ‘what the fuck is happening’

• 

• 

Anger

I don’t know if I have cried more from anger or sadness but literally google classroom and zoom just don’t decide to work sometimes. Like I will have to click the link 5 times before it actually comes up. Thank god I have my camera off because I would come in looking like I just washed my face with an acid. It do be very red. And it is even more annoying when you have a bloody squeaky chair (if you did not catch on, my chair is squeaky) and for every move you make the chair goes like SQQssuUUeeJJJkkYYyyqq. I literally threaten to punch my chair as though I am five and then my teacher keeps buffering and expecting us to know everything she just said even though zoom just cancelled the most important part of the course. Don’t even get me started about when the teacher just waits for an answer. I mean they just will wait the whole hour until someone says ‘yes’ and I am here like ‘YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING MAKING US DO THIS FOR HOMEWORK’ and they just sitting there like a raisin with their lips pursed and their arms crossed. I mean get over yourself. Half of us probably aren’t even in the room right now.

Embarrassment

Why is it that every time I get asked to answer a question I get it wrong? I mean it is so much worse because everything is so dramatized. The awkward pause when you first answer, everyone is only concentrated on me, they know it was me, I don’t know what to say. Like this happened to me the other day, I got the answer wrong and he paused and was like ‘no. How did you get that?’ and I literally was like ’em, I don’t know’. When I tell you I died inside, I was literally deceased. Decaying. It was so bad. And it was a large class too. To be honest I am still recovering and I was talking to my friend after about how embarrassing that was and she said she was proper laughing at me. Let’s just say, I will forever just say my mic is not working.

Fear

There are so many scary parts in the day. Forgetting to sign in even though you were at the class. Accidentally using the wrong email. Going on the zoom first. The teacher going to ask someone a question. The silence when nobody answers. When you hand in work one minute late. When you want to answer but don’t know if someone else is gonna answer or if the teacher will. When your teacher goes to shout at their kids. When your teacher gives a lecture about not talking. I mean the list could go on. But let’s talk about when teachers are gonna call on someone. In school you can at least see if the teacher is looking in your direction. You can look away. Look as though you don’t know or are still working on it. But on zoom, you have no clue where you are on their screen, you can’t look away because your camera isn’t even on and it is just an overall nightmare. And then if they do pick you, you may be lagged so don’t know if it was you or someone with a similar name. Then when you go to answer you literally can’t even turn on the mic and the whole class is silent. I mean someone could write a short horror movie about that. And then at the end you get the answer wrong and then the movie just ends with ‘KO’ or something like that. I do be getting anxiety in those calls.

Boredom

So I just felt like this had to be addressed even though it is obvious. 2 years ago I would say, the school could not get any worse. That bitch was dumb. I could not have been further from the truth. All-day I click come buttons, talk to myself, and just sit. I mean this is basically an office job, right? Although I guess it has given me the motivation to not end up in an office job. No offence to anyone, it is just I know that will not be the job for me. I prefer to be out and about. Besides, my back has literally died and I can’t deal with that all my life. No wonder my parents always have a sore back. The whole day I just want to sleep. I mean nothing is actually going into my brain. Then I start to focus on dumb things. Especially when they don’t even get us to write anything down. I’m like, bro, let me just sign off, go to be, and not wake up until corona is over.

Happiness *delete this later*

Stress

This is a given with school in general I suppose but these guys give the most unreasonable time to complete a task. And then even if I get it handed in slightly late, google classroom comes up with the ‘MISSING‘ and I literally get scared. They probably don’t give a crap though. Although sometimes they do be giving passive-aggressive messages that I don’t know how to respond to. We move though. The fact they literally expect us to work so fast too. Like they have the question up for one second and they expect us all to be done. No babes, my brain lags like the screen I am looking at. It is stressful when you get on the call late because you are like ‘are they going to literally call me out’ but then when you realise nobody is talking you have this moment of serenity. Well, nearly all the time. One time I went on late and it was all quiet but then a few minutes later I realised my speakers just weren’t working and I couldn’t hear her for the whole lesson. That was not ideal.

Tiredness

You have to admit it guys. There are days where you go onto class in your PJ’s and just fall asleep to the sound of their voice. It really makes you think about how many of them should not have become teachers because they literally have no tone in their voice. To be honest, even at the end of the day I am tired, and the middle, and… all of it. I am pretty sure I heard that it has something to do with the lack of sun. So if I ever go to take a day off school, I am just doing it for my health. *mean while it is raining pretty much everyday*. My eyes are literally so heavy though that someone could mistake me for being high. Like I look so awful and pale. I guess I can’t really say much has changed. It is so hard during classes like English or math or, well, any of them, because it is too much effort to care. I really don’t see the point. We are going through a pandemic, people dying everywhere, the world falling apart, yet I am here in front of my computer learning about the effect of punctuation or how to find out how much one lolly costs when I bought 7 lollies for £1.70. Like I don’t care for god sake. The shop will bloody tell me that.

Confusion

Sometimes I look at my screen like I just saw my teacher transform into a cat. Maybe that is because I don’t go to Hogwarts but I mean I just get so confused. In class people would ask questions and they would explain it slower but at home they just decide to not explain anything and I am here like, ‘I lost you at good morning’. But it is when they try to explain what we are doing in the day and in the future and then they go onto what they had for breakfast and how her cat has corona or something. And I just look at her like what does that word mean. It happened to me in Spanish the other day. The teacher typed out what we should for the day, in English by the way, and I swear I had a stroke while reading it or something because I had no clue what to do. No joke, I nearly gave up. I just, give up with school in general, to be honest. LOL

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed and related to this. If you did, don’t for get to like, subscribe and donate some money so that I can keep all of my content free for everyone. Every little helps I guess. But hang in there because it will end eventually, I hope, and you can go outside and show the world the bad bitch you are PERIODT.

---