For many, this question is easy to answer. They know they want to move onto A levels, then go to uni and get a job. I used think that I was one of those people, until now. The year I am making this move.
I know that a lot of people are making this life changing decision now, and you might be one of the lucky people who have it all sorted. For me, I am stuck. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a police woman. I wanted to help people out, be out and about, and I just found it interesting over all. I just supposed that I would go to university because that is what everyone did. But now so much has changed and while I do have the idea of being a police woman, I don’t know how I am going to get their. Right now, I want to drop out. I never wan to go back to school or be so controlled like that all the time, but there are so many things making me stay in school.
For one, how will I get a job when I am only 16. I mean I can’t just lay at home all day and laze around because my parents would not be happy would that and, frankly, neither would I. I am gonna be honest, blogging was one of my ideas to earn money for a living so I could drop out, although I found out that I do actually enjoy it. I mean I would love for this to work out but what if it doesn’t. What is my backup plan. I can just sign up for being a police woman and start my training but I always feel as though I will be looked down upon as that young girl who dropped out of school. And currently it is hard to find jobs because of, well, corona.
Secondly, is being a police woman right for me. That’s the thing. What if I drop out and find I don’t get in or I don’t like the job. What if I drop out and my ‘dream job’ was a failure. Lately I have also been having doubts about even trying because, if I am being honest, I have kind of been warming to the idea of acting. I think that would give me great opportunities in life and then, hopefully, I can use my platform to get my voice heard and others about problems in the world. Because I mean, who would listen to one police woman? Also the stigma around the police at the moment. I hate how they have shown themselves as racist, blood thirsty animals. They just attack and think they are above the law and I never want to be associated with that. I would never do something like that and even though I can tell others that, they probably wont believe me. And they have every right to not believe me because all we see are how crap and corrupted they are. I never want to be accused of something like that. And how could one young girl go in and save that. Why would they listen to me. And that is kind of why I am questioning that decision and that it would be a good idea to build up my voice in the world. The problem is, I live in Northern Ireland. So how the hell am I supposed to build up auditions and feature in serious films or series? Honestly though, please do comment if you have any tips or opportunities.
Another reason I am stuck is because I often wonder, what if I am wasting my life? I am not trying to rub this in people’s face, but I get good grades in school. I work hard, I am well behaved in school. And when I think about dropping out I get anxious that I am wasting my hard work by not putting it to use and ‘helping the world’ in some way. The thing is, I am not smart. I am just book smart. I have to revise for all my exams. I work hard but still forget so much stuff. I am not like others who just remember stuff and can do great things. All I can do is revise, but I hate it. It literally makes me scared though to think of dropping out and missing so many experiences and becoming lonely. What if I miss all that and don’t even get anywhere with my life. When I tell you I can NOT end up in a 9 to 5 job, I mean it. That just would not work for the type of person I am. I can’t put into words the anxiety of dropping out though. Not really about jobs and money, but about what I could be throwing away. What if I should do this or that because I am ‘smart. What if I could of made a difference or gone into a really important job. I just don’t know what that is. I am literally getting stressed thinking about it, but I don’t want to let my parents down by throwing away the knowledge that they have given me. This talent to learn that others would want. I know that sound stuck up but I feel bad for misusing my intelligence and ability to revise.
My last point for today, about how I feel stuck in my decision is just the whole formality of it. I don’t want to live a life where I go to school, go to uni, get a job, retire, and then die. I don’t want to be in debt my whole life with the bills I have to pay for my uni which got me working a repetitive job which means nothing to me. I want to be able to be financially free. I don’t want a job. I want a career. A way of life that I love. Where I don’t hate Mondays. I work because I want to, not because I have to. I want to have a family and be free and enjoy my life. But for me I feel like uni would stop that. As though I would step into the school gates and be locked behind a bars of debt forever. Never getting where I need to be. Always worrying about paying the electricity bill. I just don’t know why people have made uni such a ‘need to do’ part of life. I don’t want to be dragged down by this. I don’t know what I will do without it but I can’t have that stress of revision and thoughts about my future in my life. How would I be able to handle such important tests, meeting new people, going to parties. But then again I am scared to miss that.
Over all, I am just scared.
Thank you for reading that and I hoped that other people related to that and now know that they aren’t alone. These are hard decisions and it sucks we have to make them at such a young age. Please like, follow, and donate some money so I can keep all of my content free for everyone. I also have some great promo codes for you and a great app that I found for earning extra money. I love you all and hope you know that it will all be worked out eventually. It may be hard, but you will get their. Just stay the bad bitch you are PERIODT.
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