Holding On Just Isn’t Enough

Hi, today is more of a serious blog, so no jokes, just me. I have my first day back in school tomorrow, like literally in the building. And just like last time, I really am not prepared to go back. I am finally comfortable with online school and I don’t think I can cope with all the pressures of school life. I know that there are so many people excited to be socializing again, but I was happy with where I was, or at least I could cope with it.

Next week I will be having tests pretty much everyday and they will be going towards my final GCSE but I have not revised at all for them. I realise in my brain that these are important and I can’t just forget about them but I physically can not bring myself to revise. I am just not in that mindset and I physically can not get myself into it. This isn’t just a case of laziness and procrastination as all the parents will think, but it is a struggle. I am so terrified for these exams and what they will mean to my future but I don’t have the power to get myself into revision. The thing is, when I revise I get into such a bad state of mind and it destroys me, but when I don’t I just crumble out of fear because I have no clue what to do.

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I was that person who always got good grades in class. The one who everyone would call a ‘sweat’, so you are probably all like ‘well you will still be getting an A so get over it’, but I am not one of those people who are naturally smart. I have to revise so much just to get close to the grades of my friends who barely revise. One time I didn’t revise for a test and I failed. I am so terrified of that happening but I can’t start to revise. I don’t know where to. Everyone seems like they have it figured out but I am so lost. I have no clue what will happen, I have no clue what I will do when I get bad grades. How am I supposed to compose myself in class when I have a panic attack at the thought of these tests?

For those not living in the UK, the government have cancelled our formal exams ‘for our mental health’. And what they decided to do instead was just move them forward. So now we have to do the same amount of revision in less time which has fucked my mind so much. I have no clue what to think and there are just points where I get so overwhelmed that I just freeze. They always say ‘we know how you feel’, ‘we know you are under a lot of pressure’ but they don’t because if they knew even a fraction of what we felt they would be doing so much more despite the fact that most of them are heartless.

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I have been taught all my life that I am a smart, gifted child who needs to get all As if I want to succeed in life. So I got in a rhythm. It was a bloody stressful one, but I revised, got the grades, did the work, had no social life, and I was miserable but I got what everyone expected of me. But now I have lost that all and I shake with fear that I might let everyone down. I have already let myself down but I can not let my family down. They do so much for me and they encouraged me to do so well in school but I can’t make them proud anymore. I hate school and I never want to go back but I feel if I leave they will look down at me and I will fail them.

I am so scared but I wanted to share this to show that you guys aren’t alone. Life is so fucking tough for teens at the moment and nobody fucking cares, so please, if you can, share this will everyone you know. Get this message out there because it may not changing anything but I hope to god that the right person sees this and they wont feel as lonely as I do right now. I love you all. Hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT


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