Who Am I?

No I am not about to do a proper “face reveal”. I am talking about the fact that as a teenager we are expected to understand who we are and what we want to do for the rest of our lives, yet, the fact is, nobody has any fucking clue. And that’s ok

I always thought that I understood what I wanted to do. There was a guy I liked since primary school, I wanted to be a police woman and probably move to America or something. But, to describe it in 2 words, shit happens. The guys I liked emotionally destroyed me, I don’t know if I want to be restricted to working in one place, and, well, do I really need to say anything about America? No. The other thing is, that isn’t who I am. The job I get, the person I have a relationship, the place I live, isn’t who I am. I don’t think I ever have and I don’t know if I ever fully will.

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I am in my last year of GCSEs, so I am nearly 16. Not even 2 decades have I lived on this earth, yet I have made so many life changing decisions that I can’t go back and change. There are so many things that are shut off now because of what I had to choose, yet it could have been something that was perfect for me. And it is crazy because you let us make life changing decisions, but you don’t let us watch a scary movie in the cinema. My life is a horror movie in itself so I don’t think a movie will scar me. You let us make life changing decisions, but you don’t let us go to the toilet when we need to, we gotta ask the teacher. You let us make life changing decisions, but speak down to us like we are dirt. It really doesn’t make sense. How do I know that in 20 years I will still want to do the thing that 16 year old me wanted to do. So many things change and if I shut the door to things now then what if I need it in the future.

It is bloody scary because I do not want to end up in a job that I took just to pay the bills. I want to get a job that makes me excited to start the day, because I don’t know how I would survive anything else. I want a job that fits in my pocket. That I can take to the beach with me, on trips, on a boat, on my sofa in my dream home. I don’t want to wake up each morning thinking that I NEED to do work. I want to wake up and think I WANT to do work. So what can get me that? A degree? A but load of debt from Uni? All A*s on my report card? Well, that is what the school system has taught me, and sure, they teach us everything, right? Hell no. They want me to be a part of the system so why would they teach me to get out of it? Now, not all teacher’s are like this, but I know so many that suck the life out of you and pretty much desensitize you to life and convert you into a factory lifestyle. And yes, we do have the world at our finger tips. I can search up how to start a business, how to make money and get out of the ‘rat race’ but let me tell you something. It is fucking tiring and yes I know I have a blog on how to make money but that is just my way to try and make it easier for those my age. We get so much homework that we have no bloody time to think for ourselves, none at all. I am lucky enough to have learnt a bit but only because of lock down. I would have to say that it was a blessing because it was my time to actually crawl my way out of the system, and that has brought me to many difficulties along the way.

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I still don’t know who I am and I know that you don’t to. I guess I just wanted to tell everyone that if you are feeling the same way, it is totally ok. I know you are always told to just take the subjects you like and the choices you feel comfortable with and I do believe that to an extent, especially with subject choices. But since when did success come easy? Weren’t we told to take risks if we wanted to be successful. We are told so many things every day, every week, every year. And now we don’t know what or who to listen to. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling confused on how to move forward with your life. You may not know for a while, but you need to know that when you find that thing that you want to do, it will be so much easier to fight through the tough moments. Getting to the place you want to be will be so much easier, so don’t try to force your way into something that will make you feel horrible. I am sorry you haven’t got the support you need to discover who you are but it is ok and you aren’t alone. I could guess that a majority of adults don’t know who they truly are. We are still young though. Although we are expected to do a lot, we still have the time to travel and change. Don’t worry if you make a bad decision because if it is meant to be, you will get there eventually.

Our whole life is dedicated to discovering who we are and some people find out to late. My advice? Sacrifice the things people think you need to succeed, and do the things YOU know you need. They probably won’t believe in you but use it to drive you. Think of there face when you tell them ‘I now get payed for something I love, something I believe in, and all that worry and pain of getting there is so worth it”. I believe in you guys, OK? And I believe that everything is going to be ok, no matter who you are. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.


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