Bitches, this is gonna be one small post because really there is not much to say, but hopefully that makes some of you feel more relaxed because you can look at this and think, well, at least I am not as bad as her. Or, you never know, we could be the exact same and we will become best friends. However, if you are my teacher, this is a joke *winks dramatically*. So yeah, time to expose myself I guess.

In School

I have to say, I do actually stick to this ‘schedule’ so I am going to take that as a positive. But yeah, so this is the studying that I do when we have nothing to do in class and we have a test that day, or when the teachers have had enough of us (I don’t blame them, some of them are actually doing my head in)

• First on the list, I get my earphones out, you know, get the study playlist going. Motivation is at top level right now and you have your books out, your in the work mindset, kinda, and I start making a wee bit of a mind map for like 5-10 minutes. At this point, I think I am the revision goddess, literally so elite and I feel I will pass all my exams. But then comes the next part
• I’m working thinking, surely like 25 or 30 minutes have passed already, this will be easy. I look up and only 3 minutes has one passed. I scream internally which, to the people who are looking at me, would think I literally just saw the ghost of fucking Christmas past or something. Then I go back to work, and at this point my motivation has dropped by, probably 75% already. So not too well. My writing is getting sloppy, I am not actually focusing on what I am writing. The music is like the theme song for my life, and my sole has basically been sucked out of me.
• Now it is time to have a complete mental breakdown. I usually try to pencil that in for a round 20 minutes before class ends, because that lets me crash so low, but not low enough that I can’t act like everything is totally fine. At this point, I have squiggled all over my page in rage (that rhymed lol) and my pen is no longer in my hand. The music and my thoughts are the only things I am concentrating on right now and it probably looks like I am having a staring competition. These are the moments I literally want to die and, if this was high school musical, the dances would be so fucking insane.
• The bell rings, I try to pick up all the peaces of my broken brain, pack up, and act like human being and say something like “that was boring” or “I actually did something that class” when in reality, nothing changed and I did fuck all, but at least my coast is clear and I nobody will know that I lost around 50% of my brain cells and overall will to live.

At home

This really could just fit into one bullet point and that is not an exaggeration. It is also quite a rare occasion so I really needed to use my brain power to remember what I did. I am literally meant to be revising right now, but… Mum, if you are reading this, I am sorry. I just really… don’t give a fuck.

• Time to get the books out. I always pick the test I have for the next day, or the same day if I want to be a bit risky. And again, I don’t always revise the day before. So I get the books out, I have a quick panic attack because I realise this is my life and I hate it and I don’t know anything and I don’t know how to revise and I don’t know what topics it on and I don’t want to do this anymore. Then I get some pen and paper
• By now, I am mentally numb enough to start. This last for like 5 minutes because I then go for a wee pee break you know. This usually lasts a while because I just go on my phone and cry and I am really scared to leave lol
• I get back and I quickly look at this pile of crap, me, and then at the one on the table. I scan through each page with lightening speed and then make myself think that I know it all and I will be fine. Knowing very well I don’t even know what subject I have in front of me. Once I have convinced myself I know everything. I pack it away, go back to bed and cry because I actually know fuck all and I am really stressed about it but I can’t bring myself to actually do anything about it because I feel it is a waste of time and I am not going to succeed either way. Or something like that anyways.

So yeah, these are my study schedules. Do I recommend them? No. Do I stick by them? Yes. And I always will. You see, I actually don’t want to do school. Pretty much, my only passion is hating school, which is surprising to people as I am usually labelled as a smart person, or as they say in NI, a ‘sweat’. But in reality I am just a big ball of stress that want’s to please others at my own cost and at the moment I am about to burst so yeah. Quite fun, right! Anyways, I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT

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