I know that title makes me sound like I’m fucking ancient or some shit but like I am only 16. To be fair though this is me nearly becoming an adult and like is one of the biggest changes in life so I suppose I can talk about growing up. The difference between me now and me 5 years ago is astronomical. For example, I wouldn’t have been able to use astronomical in a sentence. We all grow in pretty weird ways despite the fact it is usually normal. I suppose we all reach the same point eventually but like each journey to get there is so different. So before I start getting into deep shit, lets just talk about some things that have shocked me, surprised me, met my expectations and disappointed me. And don’t forget to comment below some of the things you think I missed because it will be interesting to hear if anyone feels the same way or if I just over-think things way to much.

One thing that I thought I would have by the time I was 16 or something was… a life. No, I’m joking, but also not but no, I thought I would have an idea of what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. I mean I think I had my life sorted out more when I was 10 than I do now because so much has changed and I have no fucking clue anymore. Like I always wanted to be a police woman and I still do but like also what the fuck?! Like what if I am crap at it, or what if I could have found the fucking cure for cancer but now I am just giving speeding tickets. Obviously police do a lot more than that and I really respect their work, but just to make a point. And I mean I don’t think that if I become a police woman that I will have that big of an impact on the world. I don’t mean that in a way that I want to be fucking famous but I would like to be remembered as someone who did something amazing that saved so many people’s lives. And while that sounds good and better than an office job, I don’t really want to have to work by a time table and for someone else who I might not be able to argue with if I think what they are doing is wrong. Like what if they are racist or some shit? It’s just difficult because there are pros and cons for every job but like it’s trying to weigh up how much the pros mean to you and how you will be affected by the cons.

I had actually tried to start a business, like just a dropshipping business, but like I always get distracted. I literally started this blog to get my voice out there and, as you know, I haven’t been posting much. The thing is I get distracted by things that seem better that will get me places quicker, but look at me now. In the same exact fucking place as last year. Didn’t make money online, apart from a few online surveys, and although I do have all of you guys and the support has been amazing, I feel like I have failed in some way. That’s another thing about growing up that has kind of shocked me, or at least I new it was coming but never really thought it would be such a big thing. Failure. I have had a pretty fucked up life and maybe if I actually stuck to something I would be in a different position, but I didn’t so I’m not and I guess that’s fine. Like I am still young even though I am growing up so there is still time left.

Kind of linking back to that last sentence, I never thought that I would feel as though there were time limits on life. I mean we all die and that is the main one, but I never thought about the fact that there are stages in life that you go through and in those stages there is almost a to-do list both with things that society has added, and ones you add yourself. For example, something on my list that I feel society has made more urgent is finding a significant other or going to uni, working, figuring out what the fuck I am doing and plan to do for the rest of my life. And some that I have added on myself are stuff like travelling and getting all the fun stuff out of the way before I have to start into “the real world” which gets closer and closer every day. I feel as though I have a timer ticking inside my head making me think that these are supposed to be the best years of my life but I am wasting them by doing literally nothing so when I grow up and maybe have kids and a stable job, I will regret my life and that I will never actually do anything beneficial or impactful. Do you know what I mean by that? Do I just sound crazy. I feel as though I only have a few years to live my life and then afterwards I need to live a life of always waiting forward to the weekend, but when it is the weekend I dread the week to come. Like once you start a job, that is your life until you retire, and then when you retire you may be lucky enough to travel but you’ll also be exhausted and unable to do some of the things that I should be doing now.

That got really deep really fast so I hope I am not giving anyone an existential crisis, but I really do hope at least one person relates to this. Obviously I am still young, and mentally unstable, so I don’t really know what I am talking about so feel free to comment below what your thoughts are and maybe what you are scared for in the future. I’ll probably have to do another post about this in the future because it was actually kind of fun. Especially know that I know how to type properly so it is so much quicker and satisfying to get what I am thinking down because that shit changes quickly and when it’s gone it’s gone. But yeah, I am planning to focus on this blog from now on and you better make sure I stick to it because no matter what, I would love this blog to work and stay open for as long as I possibly can. Make sure you like, comment and follow so that you can stay updated about all the post I make that are going to be freaking awesome! I hope you have great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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