Before you start calling child protection services, let me just clear something up. No, I am not the gingerbread man and no I am not in some weird family where instead of a naughty step I get the literal oven. What I’m referring to is the lack of basic features that I kinda feel were robbed by me and I blame it on the fact I was ‘popped out’ a little early. Thanks mum But yeah, there are things about me, pretty much all to do with my face, that just needed a little more cooking to become perfect and if I could I would give my mum a bit of talking to so that she wouldn’t give birth so damn early (I mean it’s like she physically can’t control it or something)
So as you could kinda guess, I was birthed a little early and that’s because I was a twin (well, I still am so I don’t know why I am using the past tense lol but it sounds right). But anyway, I have been thinking about it and that is 100% why I don’t have eyebrows, eyelashes and fucking awful eyesight, definitely not from genetics guys, don’t even pull that shit on me. If I was left to bake for a few more days then I would be fine. It’s like when you put a cake in for the recommended amount of time but when you take it out that shit is still half liquid. That doctor should have shoved me right back in. Kinda rude if you ask me.
My other theory is that my twin literally stole them in the womb. That bitch started the devious lick. She started the whole trend before she was even born. And the audacity of her to not appreciate it. She will come into my room and deadass ask to use my eyebrow dye. Like, you can’t tell right now but my eyebrows are raised. It’s shocking how she thinks she needs to darken her eyebrows. But I give it to her anyway because I can do my eyebrows to look 10 times nicer than hers so it’s only fair to give her a fake sense of power in that area. I suppose having very light eyebrows (so light I’m surprised they haven’t blown away) can be good because it’s like a blank canvas. I can make my eyebrows look whatever way I want and you wouldn’t know the difference. Have I ever tried to trick someone by drawing my eyebrows weird? No. Will I? No, because that shit isn’t even funny. But I have the option, so don’t even try me with those perfect eyebrows bitch.
Another reason I could have done with another 5 minutes of cooking is that I can’t see shit. Like, do both my parents have shocking eyesight? Yes, but do I blame it on them, no because that would be too easy and I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. Like maybe them hoes just were last to develop. Is that inconvenient? Very much so. Why do I keep doing rhetorical questions? I don’t know, but it’s annoying me. But it is weird though because when I was younger I thought glasses were THE most amazing things. Like people could only see if they looked through a piece of literal glass!? What the fuck. And then when I heard I needed to wear glasses for reading stuff I would wear them all the time and my mum would be like “you do realise that if you do that you will end up having to wear glasses for the rest of your life?” and I was like “oh right, noted *wears them 24/7 from there on*” but now I want to know what it feels like to be able to wake up in 4k.
I’ll wake up and try to get my glasses but then drop them and then I have to try to get to the light switch and then once that’s done I have to spend the next 5 mins trying to move my arms around aimlessly to try and get my glasses. And of course, you literally find everything you don’t need. Like you’ll find your fucking pet hamster that you thought went to a farm with all the other hamsters before you find your glasses. That is a pretty big fault to glasses because they are needed to be able to see but then what happens when you lose them? Like what do you do? I have had to get my sister to come into my room to find my glasses because I can’t see shit. Not the lifestyle I’m really here for.
The eyelashes. Now, I can’t really complain about this because it’s easy enough to just whip on a little mascara because I’d probably do that even if you could see them, but what people don’t realise is the difficulty of putting on makeup in general whenever you wear glasses. The amount of breakdowns I have had when my mirror fogs up because I am literally respiring is not even funny. So it can work in a few ways. One, I don’t breathe and literally pass out by the time I’m finished. Two, I can try to angle my breathing in a certain way but the time I have figured out the perfect angle I am already done. Or three, I can just deal with it which is not even an option because I’ll be crying by the end so my mascara will be completely ruined. It’s a bit of a pickle but you gotta do what you gotta do whenever you are self-conscious about your eyelashes lol. It is weird though how that isn’t talked about very much because it is difficult to do your makeup when you have shite vision. It also looks really weird because you have to sit right up next to your mirror to the point you are dissociating like “is that really me?”.
Lastly, and this one is actually true and weird but I’ll make it short. I have 2 missing teeth. Quite literally they are missing. Nowhere to be found. I have a suspicion my twin absorbed them or some shit just for the lols but that doesn’t go down well in court so I just dropped it. But yeah that’s kinda funny tbh. Well, more so for everyone else but not for the girl who had gaps in he teeth for most of her life 🙂 Lol but it’s fine because now I can be the teen girl that has fake teeth… doesn’t actually sound any better, to be honest.
Like, I literally had to wear a retainer for a while that had the teeth in it, so when I took it out I would have 2 gaps in my teeth and they are the ones on either side of my two big front teeth on the top row of teeth so people could realise that shit. So for a month or something, anytime I wanted to eat anything I would have to take these things out and expose myself. Good thing I wasn’t very popular in the first place, right? *awkward laugh*. There was one time forgot to wear my teeth. Yup, I forgot my fucking teeth and my Dad obviously hates me so he wouldn’t drive me back for 5 minutes just to get them. Safe to say I root that back to all my problems but like oh well I’m fine now. I’ve now got fake teeth that are literally *stuck* to the ones beside it, and yeah they could fall out by one bite of an apple but oh well ha
Anyway, that is kind of it. I also just wanted to mention something at the end because as I read this I wanted to make sure nobody thought that I was saying that people with light/no eyebrows or eyelashes are any less perfect than those with dark eyebrows. I was just trying to make fun of myself and don’t want anyone to get hurt. If you are then please comment so I know how to respond in my other posts but other than that thank you so much for watching and I hope you enjoyed it. Don’t forget to like and follow for more. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.
Get money back this christmas for doing exactly what you are doing now! *plus £10 signup bonus* | TopCashBack
Here for the second instalment of Discount and Deals we have TopCashBack. Not gonna lie to you, I’ve heard about this for a while and never bothered to get it because it’s one of those things where it’s “too good to be true”. I mean how the hell are you gonna tell me I can… Continue Reading →
Hey everyone. Just for a time frame our current prime minister is Rishi Sunak so that means this post is accurate for at least a couple of weeks, give or take. I’m not gonna get much more political than that because I know you are all sick of hearing what crap is going on in… Continue Reading →
I myself am not someone with massive fashion sense. I tend to be late to the trends because I am never confident enough to fully commit to them as if I everyone would turn and point and start laughing at me like “I can’t believe she actually fell for it”. Don’t ask why, but that’s… Continue Reading →