My Life Is an Unsuccessful Netflix Show

I don’t know what to call this feeling, but you know when you get a sudden realisation that this is in fact real life. Like you aren’t gonna start into a new season or a new episode of a show. You are just gonna start the next day with the same problems, the same things to think about, the same responsibilities blah blah blah.

It happened to me just the other day because I recently got a new job and the first two shifts have been great but then one morning when I was getting changed I saw the uniform and was like shit, I really gotta do this for a while now. It’s weird though because it isn’t like I hate the job, I mean, I literally only started it, but I just realised that I need to continue working. It felt like that had been an episode of my life and that I would move on from it and it would just not be mentioned anymore. But no, I have the future to “look forward” to.

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That sounds mad depressing but like it’s just kinda weird for real. It’s almost as though I have become too “in the moment” that I forget there is anything outside of that moment. Now I’m not great for words so tell me if this makes any sense whatsoever, but I feel a bit unreal if you get me. Not as if I am a ghost looking down at myself, or as somebody watching a TV show of me, but like a VR headset. I know I’m in my body but then I realise that this is fucking life and that my actions have consequences.

Listen, I’m not doing anything bad if that’s what you are thinking. I’m not some sort of murderer who is now online like “whoops so I made a mistake”. It’s just like, for example, I signed up for a job, I got the job, and now I still gotta do it. Like it isn’t an achievement or level that I’ve unlocked or passed. This is quite literally real life.

When I say my life is like a TV show, it isn’t that I have a bunch of interesting stuff going on or any big plot twists. I’m quite literally the most basic bitch you’ll find. I’m mentally fucked, I’m blonde, blue eyes, not really pretty but not really ugly, chatty but also can’t start a conversation, that kind of situation your know.

Oh shit… I’m that one “main character”, not like the other girls, pick me bitch. Wow, I hate that but I swear I’m not trying to make myself sound like that. Wow… I instantly despise everything I say.

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Anyways, I think what I tried to get across was that I don’t think my life is a series because it’s exciting or thrilling. I mean I’m no Kardashian (great show btw highly recommend and I’m not ashamed to say it). It’s just that I forget that this is real life.

That was a hectic wee post I guess. A little bit of a brain dump to be honest. I have been quite busy lately with all this bloody A level exams and shit. I’m really not even sure if this post made any sense but I’m hoping somebody understands me or can direct me to the closest psych ward? Lol, anyway, I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.


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Kitchen or War | The Women’s Crossroad

Please let me tell you that I am in fact a girl! I am not some man that is about to start slabbering about how women are supposed to make everyone a fucking sandwich and look after their kids while the man is at war. I also want to say that this is light-hearted and I don’t want any army person coming to my house and literally kidnapping me into fucking Ukraine or some shit. Like for real I don’t think you’ll be wanting me near there because I’m fucking terrified of spiders and I just know that there is some type of spider living in those crusty tanks. Like… I’m sorry no.

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Anyways, now I’ve got that cleared up, let’s talk about this shit. So as you probably know, women and kids are getting sent out of either Russia or Ukraine (I can’t fully remember) and the men are told to stay because of going to war and all that. So I know that there are a few feminists out there who are absolutely raging, and I want to address that. What I am about to say might erase all of what we women have fought for, but I think we gotta take a step back and think this through for a second.

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I’m gonna be honest with you, I’m perfectly fine making a casserole for dinner or dusting the shelves, for real. I’m not sure if there was a little bit of miscommunication, but when we said we wanted equal rights, we didn’t mean equal fights. Like, I feel you guys have got this covered with all your fucking ps5 games or whatever it is you do. I may be legally American, but I don’t want to hold a gun. And not to bring stereotypes into this, but I’m a blonde so I could completely foil an attack by accidentally detonating a bomb. So it would be best if I kinda stayed out of this.

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On the other hand, though, I wouldn’t mind a wee bit of risk in my life. I think it would be kinda cool and that may sound insensitive because I don’t know what it is really like and I know it is actually traumatizing, but I would feel like such a boss bitch. It would be more rewarding than cooking a potato tbh. I hate cooking as well. I also have nothing to lose so I’d go all in. I would just be the sacrificial lamb and I would just be happy to feel like part of a team. It would definitely be considered if I was asked if I wanted to go to war. Maybe I would be a war nurse? Then again I don’t do sciences anymore and I’m not that smart. I’m sure they would find something for me somewhere.

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Oh, and to defend my case again, I don’t really like to cook. Maybe I got a good grade in my HE GCSE but that’s because it wasn’t based on taste. Having to put so much time into that one thing and cut literal onions is not my idea of a good time. I could learn for sure, but I won’t be a happy gal that’s for sure.

And one last quick question, could my counsellor come? Like I may have another couple of things to talk about if I were to go into a war zone. No? oh… we may have a problem

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If it ever got to the stage that we had to start sending people over to war, they would have to have a pretty hard fucking think about who they are gonna ask to go. Like they may go with just men because that is the way it’s always been. But they may find themselves with a few Mulan type girls who sneak in without anyone knowing, or maybe they would be met by a group of angry Gen Zs. Then on the other hand us gals may all suddenly scuttle into some dark corner and cease to exist outside the home if they said women can go too. Like it really is a 50/50 chance and the war would probably be done by the time we’ve actually made a decision.

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Hopefully, it never comes to that though because I don’t really want to have to sleep in the mud and get literal foot fungus or whatever, but then again I don’t wanna be that bitch who think men are the heroes, you know. It’s a tricky situation and I’m sure I will have a few restless nights over it but feel free to comment below on what you would do. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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The Story Of The Phrase That Changed My Life

Let me set the scene for you real quick. It’s 4.30am. You’re at the airport. You’re at the back of a long line for a service that hasn’t even opened yet. An hour ago you were asleep or at least just woken up by your alarm so you kinda feel like you’re in some sort… Continue Reading →

19 Reasons Why | The USA Have To Listen

I know a lot of my posts are usually just for the shits and giggles and I try to make light of situations going on because that’s how I express my thoughts, but there is no way this could ever be flipped into some sort of joke. There is not one thing about this that… Continue Reading →

Have You Amber Heard About This?

It comes as no shock that there is currently a trial between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Just to clear things up, Amber Heard is an actor… mostly. But for real I have never seen or heard of her ever before. I’m pretty sure Johnny said she was on Aquaman or something. All you need… Continue Reading →

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Do You Know What’s Weird? | Plants are alive

Now please don’t think I’m some sort of alien conspiracy bitch, like I understand that plants are a living thing because I went to school (not in the USA) and did biology (again, not in the USA) so I would say I know a thing or two. I also think about things too much which usually gets regurgitated into a blog post and that is exactly what this is. But what got me thinking about this random shit? Well, my dad, an avid David Attenborough fan, was watching green planet, or whatever one was out recently, and was raving about this one plant that was weird as hell. Yes, I know, we have the best conversations. But let’s talk about it today.

Contents
1. The Glow Up
2. Ironic Names
3. They Got A Whole Ass Personality
4. How Are They Not Conscious Beings
5. Some Are Omnivores
6. House Plants
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1. The Glow Up

Evolution hit them like a ton of bricks, literally no lie. Obviously, like humans, some didn’t get hit so hard (*cough*daisies*cough*literal grass*cough*), but fuck me there is a good handful of them that literally changed like there was no tomorrow. The one that my dad showed me, and I won’t tell you the name yet because I’m leaving that for the next sub-topic, was so freaking advanced that it may as well be the Elon Musk of the plant kingdom. Just always one step ahead of everyone. Also like Elon, I have a suspicion it’s some sort of robot.

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Tell me why this plant literally slithers around to find this plant and grows fucking bladders so that it can steal the water and also the little bugs that for some reason are created in this plant. They deadass just steal the plant’s food and fuck off before they can do anything about it. How raging would you be? Like you got your rainwater and little dead animals all ready to eat, but then this greedy bitch comes, grows fucking bladders, and the next second it’s all gone! The audacity.

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Honestly, though, it’s so weird how plants have evolved to do such weird things. Like it’s unbelievable. They are resilient as fuck because they can grow anywhere and just thrive in harsh conditions. And what do we do? Fucking cry if they gave us the wrong 12″ pizza? Goddamn. It must have taken so long though and I still don’t even know how they learned what they need to do because they don’t have a mind. I get the whole “survival of the fittest” type shit, but how do they know to go to this plant and grow these separate organs and then grow hairs that detect when they need to chomp on a little bug.

I mean I was shocked when I found out sunflowers turn their head to face the sun, but that means nothing to me now.

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2. Ironic Names

I think it’s absolutely hilarious how people name plants. They must be top comedians because the amount of shit they come up with is so funny. From the plant I described above, what would you think it’s called? Some sort of heroic name or just something that sounds pretty classy, like maybe… right well I don’t know, but something cool that’s for sure. And now guess what they called it. If you said “bladder wart”, you are, firstly a cheater, but also a winner.

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It’s the height of disrespect honestly. It’s like calling superman, just “man”, or calling the hulk, “booger wart”. Like it isn’t right. Did a child name it? That’s the only way I could excuse it because when I hear the word bladder wart, I would be thinking of driving that person to the hospital for a check-up cause that sounds nasty. It is ironic, and maybe poetic, to hear such an amazingly adapted plant be called such a dumb fucking name.

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There are also some names that are kinda perfect because the flower is so irrelevant and insignificant that they didn’t even give their names the time of day. Like a sunflower, I mean what the fuck is that? I can guarantee you the decision went like this:

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person 1: ahh, I’ve found another plant, it’s amazing
person 2: meh, it’s kinda shit really
person 1: yeah you’re right actually… We’ve still gotta name it though
person 2: awk for fuck sake *sigh* just call it… a fuckin’… a sunflower I fucking hate my job

Somebody go check the history books because I’m pretty sure that was spot on

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3. They Got A Whole Ass Personality

No joke they’ve got more of a personality than half the people in my school. These hoes don’t stop for nobody. They give me very much “motivational talker who tells you to not give a fuck about anyone but yourself” kinda vibe. And I respect that. However, they also give me “two-faced snake” vibes. Sure they look pretty but underneath they’ve got this whole network of roots. I never thought anything of it until my mum and dad were talking about how they were worried the tree outside was getting too big (yep, I’m an eco bitch) and I was like “why is that bad?” and they deadass went on to say it could destroy our house. I’m sorry but what the fuck? I’d love to see that honestly.

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I suppose they do go through a lot so we can’t blame their attitude. We will literally turn them into a fucking treehouse, chop them down, make them into a literal bookcase filled with pages that are also made out of themselves, and climb all over them like it’s nobody’s business.

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4. How Are They Not Concious Beings?

It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact they have evolved to do such amazing things, but it’s even crazier to think that they aren’t really conscious beings like we are. Sure they are classified as a living thing but they don’t have a brain or any thoughts (that we know of :o) and yet they still just do this shit because of cells and science shit.

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You can’t tell me it there isn’t any “Inside Out” business going on in there because I could imagine a little plant anger or a little plant joy. They are quite literally smarter than some of the guys in my year. I’m no David Attenborough but I sure as hell would prefer the company of a literal plant than other people.

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It is just amazing and crazy though when you think about it. Like they’ll find an obstacle and be like “oh shit ok let’s go this way instead” or, in terms of a venus flytrap, they have pretty much a built in timer that helps them figure out the difference between a bug and everything else. No joke, venus flytraps have this thing where they only shut if they sense something within 20 seconds of each other so that it doesn’t just close on a raindrop or something. There is also this other plant that looks so pretty but literally has this gel like thing on the spikes that makes any insects that go on it stick and it will deadass curl them up and the gel will literally digest them. Imagine seeing that happen! Imagine being that fly!

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5. Some are Omnivores

Plants really switched it up on this one because on the food chain we see plants as literally the primary producers, so they convert the sunlight into energy and then an animal comes, eats them and then get’s that energy. But in some cases that bitch is a fucking consumer. They really pulled it out of the bag with that one and honestly I respect that. Like it’s a two way system and if one doesn’t like being eaten then the got to work something out.

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They really do be getting their revenge like they are fucking Bruce Wayne. They snack on a whole fly and then carry on as a pretty piece of nature. Do you know how many plants just murdered something right before they were put on camera in a photo or TV show. Like that is some crazy shit. LOL don’t think I’m crazy, it’s a joke, but I find it hilarious how nobody appreciates that plants, quite literally not a conscious being, eats a fucking living, conscious thing. Well, I don’t really know if insects have thought tbh? Wow that’s gonna keep me up at night

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6. House Plants

And lastly, it’s important to touch on the real warriors of the planet, house plants. You think you got it rough? Pfft, try being dehydrated and forgotten for weeks. These hoes are like the depressed middle child. Miserable, forgotten, but always loved. So shoutout to all the plants that died of dehydration! You are a real one. You really light up the room. You made us all feel better about ourselves and made us feel like we could accomplish something in life. Sorry that we forgot you, but you shall always be remembered… not really.

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I actually am growing plants at the moment. Bonsai trees to be exact. Like I literally got it for Christmas and I’m quite excited. The thing is only one has actually started to grow and it’s been 2 weeks, but it says it could be 3 weeks so we’ll not panic yet. I feel like I’ll have to name them but I’ll do that later once I’ve gotten to see them. The on I have at the moment is kinda crazy on the top like a palm tree, so I’m either gonna call it Pam or Sideshow Bob. What do you think?

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And there we have it. To all those people who were thinking “how the fuck could someone write a whole fucking post about how plants are weird?” I just did it bitch. And now I’ve got you equally as freaked out by plants. Thank you so much for reading this though and I would love if you could like, comment, give a cheeky little donation so I can keep posting and follow for more content like this every other day (or at least I try). I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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My Life Is an Unsuccessful Netflix Show

I don’t know what to call this feeling, but you know when you get a sudden realisation that this is in fact real life. Like you aren’t gonna start into a new season or a new episode of a show. You are just gonna start the next day with the same problems, the same things… Continue Reading →

I’m OK With Following The Crowd Right Now

I don’t know if this is the social anxiety coming out of me right now but like for real I just let others decide who I am for real. Like it’s not that I’m fake, I’m just moldable? That sounds weird as fuck but like I will change my personality to suit the person I’m… Continue Reading →

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Humans Haven’t Evolved For Shit

Humans Haven’t Evolved For Shit

For all the Ross Gellers of the world, I want you to know that I’m not some idiot that thinks the world is only 2021 years old. I understand the basics that we are completely different to what we were like billions of years ago, but my god surely there could have been more interesting features we could have evolved to have. Opposable thumbs? Pfft, who needs them. A brain that is one of the greatest things on the planet? I suppose. But that shit gets boring. I want to be able to literally regenerate a limb if it, for some reason, gets chopped off. I want to be able to see all spectrums of colour and hear all the wavelengths, but no, that’ll just kill me *eye roll*

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I have to admit that all of the things I said above could have been completely inaccurate in terms of the right terminology but oh my days if you are really that into this type of science then this post is just wasting your brain cells, but I do know that there are things our eyes can’t process or that we can’t hear so that was what I was trying to get across to you. Isn’t that crazy though? There are things that we can’t see or hear and it could literally be the answer to everything… well maybe not. I’m really making myself seem dumb but let me live a little. What are the things we can’t see? And how come after so many years we haven’t evolved to see them even a little bit. Crazy times I suppose but it would also make me 10 times more distracted than I usually am so maybe that’s a good thing.

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Back to my point, I want you to think of how long we have been on the planet, roughly… a fucking long time, so we have had plenty of time to evolve to do cool shit and survive all types of crazy crap, right? Yeah, well, you’d be sadly mistaken because we can barely survive a scrape on the knee. One infection and boom it’s chopped off. See that’s why we need to be able to grow another leg! But anyway, if we look at ourselves, a human, and then at a fucking chameleon, who is 10 times cooler? A chameleon obviously. Them hoes can change colour and just DIY themselves into whatever the fuck they want. How does that even happen by evolution? Were they just created like that? And they got crazy fucking eyes that just roll around and they can just eat a fucking fly with their long-ass tongue. They haven’t got a care in the world. I was also wondering if they change colour naturally or is it kind of another thing they do kind of like moving a thumb. You don’t have to think about it but it’s still you who controls it? I don’t know and I sure as hell know I’m not gonna search for it.

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So obviously we have evolved which is great and all but leads me to question what we were like ages ago. I would guess we were fragile fucks because even now we die from everything. Like millions of years ago would we trip and literally shatter our whole leg? That sounds dumb as fuck because they were literal cavemen who would go out hunting for their food, but did globalisation really make us turn out like the needy people we are today? I suppose we are definitely better than the cavemen and we have come very far. I know that for a fact, and I realise that when people say dumb shit like “I don’t need the vaccine, the cavemen survived without it”. Like how the fuck do you know Karen? When did you last talk to one? And last time I checked they basically had the lifespan of a fly. So they survived but also died within a second. So on second thought, we have improved a lot but also in a very boring way. If I could pick between living long and being able to literally camouflage into everything, I think it’s obvious what I’d choose.

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Talking about what I would prefer to have evolved into, I want to talk about some things that I think would be amazing to adapt to. Firstly, surviving high falls. Wouldn’t it be literal comedy gold if we could just fall off a cliff and fucking bellyflop on that hoe and then we’d be kinda bounced back onto our feet and continue walking? Like what the fuck. Even if we could float down like a leaf hahahahah imagine that. You literally flat Stanley that shit and get whipped around in the air until you reach the ground.

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Something else that quite literally would be cool is being able to hold our breath for ages. I am not saying to breathe underwater because pfft that’s just soooo unrealistic, but like surely through survival of the fittest there would be an increase in the number of people who can hold their breath for longer because, well I don’t know, people had to get fish for food and then the people with weak lungs would die and the ones with strong longs would live. I don’t know! I literally dropped all y sciences and gave up in life so I don’t know what the fuck I’m even talking about so don’t just me. But a lot of other living things can do it and even some that fucking live in the sea (tbh that’s kinda embarrassing for them to not be able to breathe underwater lol). They’ve just gotta hold their breath and hope for the best. Fair enough like, I am literally 16 years old and lose my breath walking up the stairs, but I’m gonna blame that on the covid for now.

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Despite the fact I just dissed the entire planet in one post, I think it is fair to say that we aren’t the worst in terms of how we have evolved. At least we can respect what we have become and created. What species am I talking about? The wolves. They really had a glow down for the most part. Don’t get me wrong they are hella cute and I love them but oh my days they have lost all their dignity. They should have stayed away from humans all those years ago for their own sake. But tell me how my dog came from a long line of strong, fearless wolves that would have to hunt and live outside when she fucking cries if she has to walk on the tile floor and barks at you if you don’t give her 100% attention? Make it make sense.

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Yeah, so that’s all for me now guys. But I want to leave you with one question? What will we look like in the next 20 billion years? Wanna hear my guess? Dead. Comment down below what you have to say about how we have evolved and how we might in the future and don’t forget to like and follow for more. It also really helps me out to know that you enjoy this content and it’s free so what’s the harm? Wow, I really hate how I sounded there. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Kitchen or war the womens crossword animated modern sleek blog cover photo

Kitchen or War | The Women’s Crossroad

Please let me tell you that I am in fact a girl! I am not some man that is about to start slabbering about how women are supposed to make everyone a fucking sandwich and look after their kids while the man is at war. I also want to say that this is light-hearted and… Continue Reading →

a roaring 20's themed war 2020 memorial image with memories and news of recent

The Raging 20’s, Is It an Inevitable Disaster?

I’m sorry, but between my last post and this one, we have literally gone through a war. That’s not even a joke sadly enough. Corona is kinda fading away (except the Queen has joined the Corona Club) but then we gotta keep the drama alive so we start into world war 3! Sounds like a… Continue Reading →

Is Texting A Ticking Time Bomb?

From the perspective of a 16-year-old girl, I would have to say yes, texts are a ticking time bomb. Call me old fashioned, but honestly, I don’t trust that shit. They are so unpredictable. Now I could lie to you and say that is the reason I don’t text people much, but the plain truth… Continue Reading →

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After 7 Years I’m Not Sure My Pet Is A Dog

I know what you are thinking, “what the fuck does your dog look like”. But it isn’t because of that. She is literally the cutest thing you will ever see, well… apart from at the moment because she just got a haircut that made her hella ugly, but it’s fine it’ll grow back. The thing is that she literally has the personality of everything BUT a dog. Like she is just so confusing in terms of literally every part of her and we love it and wouldn’t change her for the world but I also kinda feel like we picked up the wrong pet. I don’t know what happened but this bitch does not match the product description. I’ll keep her but like what? Anyways, I am sure you are all very confused by what I am talking about so I’m just gonna get into it. Don’t forget to comment down below what you think is wrong with my ‘dog’ or if your dog is just as weird.

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Cow

I ain’t tryna be rude or anything but this bitch is just a small cow. I’ll let her outside and one second later she’ll be tearing up the grass like it’s a fucking dance floor. It’s scary to be honest because she is so tiny but the amount of energy and movement and creepy noises that she lets out is honestly demonic, which funnily enough is one of her other personalities I’m going to mention later. It does be kinda funny though because my dad gets so pissed. He’ll have just perfectly cut every blade of grass separately so they are the exact same height and this hoe will fly out and eat that shit like popcorn, so before you know it there are just patches in our garden and in the corner there is just this tiny dog with green grass stains on her beard (she is a miniature schnauzer btw).

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It is quite the sight I must admit and I suppose it’s a talent. Like no joke I think she has worked out that it can help her to stop and turn whenever she is going really fast. No joke she will run like a mad thing and then if she wants to pull a wee sneaky turn, she’ll munch the grass so that her body will swing around and she can turn without having to stop or slow down. It’s so funny and I can’t even describe it which frustrates me, but just imagine this dog is running at full speed and just full-on head buts the ground and goes spinning into a completely different direction and then just runs into the night. It is honestly confusing. She seems to like it too. Sometimes if we are just standing around and she gets a bit bored she will deadass just sit on the grass and nibble on it like it’s a fucking chicken wing.

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Deer

To be fair, this part of her is so cute and actually makes me die inside with the amount of joy I feel. So anyway, there used to be this field near our house that we called ‘the long grass field’ (wow how original, how thought-provoking) and we loved to go there because my dog would just run around and would have to leap everywhere just so she could see where she was going. Literally, sometimes we would be like “oh shit where did she go” and then we would have to wait until she leapt up again. And let me tell you, that bitch can jump. Not just like on her back legs but she does it straight from standing so she is just like a fucking deer that is prancing around and shit. It’s so funny because you can just tell she is an absolutely loving life. I wonder what that feels like :/

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Cat

Not only do I see her in this way as she is a scaredy-cat, but also because she can be such a bitch sometimes. She can give one hell of a side-eye and make you get flashbacks from high school when these bitches would be slabbering (which I suppose is my present lol) but it is literally so funny because you could just be sitting there and you would breathe weirdly and you can just feel the judgement radiating off her. Like what the fuck did I do to you? The level of disrespect is astronomical. She just sits there and judges you as if she didn’t just literally lick her ass in the middle of the living room. She has got some nerve.

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She is also slinky as fuck at some points. Usually whenever she is lying down and comfy, or like she’s just in a mood where she can’t be arsed to do anything. So you just try to pick her up and she won’t try to stop you but she won’t try to help you either. Like you know when you try to pick up a cat and it just seems like they are just stretching because you can lift up their belly as much as you want but they are still gonna have 4 paws on the ground. You could be flinging that bitch around but no matter what they still gonna be standing. Well, that is basically my dog and, to be honest, it’s a vibe.

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Statue

This pretty much just goes against everything I said in my last post, but as we are establishing in this post, she can shapeshift real quick. One moment she is a liquid, the next she’s a bloody ancient statue. It is so weird though because for such a small dog she has so much strength. Like I just know she got some abs or some shit. I swear I’ll come downstairs someday and she’ll be on the weights and singing “it’s about drive it’s about power, we stay hungry we devour. Put in the work, put in the hours and take what’s ours”. Literally no joke.

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Honestly, I think the perfect way to describe my dog is oobleck. Like I just realised that and honestly, it is the only way to fully understand what she is like. If you are just tryna pick her up gently, she’ll just turn to liquid, but if you fucking PUNCH HER IN THE FA… Nah, I’m just joking lol. But if you are walking her on the leash and she just stops, you better know that you’ll be wiped out like a cillet bang commercial “bang and the dirt is gone”. Genuinely it confuses me because she will not move at all. I get scared that someday she will genuinely break her neck because I never really walk that fast but the level of force she gives off when she just stops out of nowhere could literally break the leash.

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She also gets like that when you put a coat on her or literally any sort of clothing that isn’t her collar. That kinda is sad though because she would look hella cute if she wore a Halloween costume or a little raincoat. Like it is just too adorable, but then when you do she’ll do the side-eye glare and literally stand in that one spot until you take it off her. No joke, one time I put her towel over her and then left the room and then my mum said when she came down an hour or so after, she was still standing in the same spot with the towel over her. That’s stubborn as fuck but I respect that.

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Person

I don’t really know how to explain this very well because it is more of an energy that she gives off. Like you just look at her and how she moves and interacts and she is just a human. She likes to sit up with us at the dinner table (although my dad will never allow her cheeky fuck) and although this is basic for all dogs, when you say her name and start talking to her she will keep looking at you as though she is understanding what we say. Don’t get me wrong there is literally nothing going on behind those eyes, but it’s the thought that counts I guess.

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She also loves to be around people and I know that is just a basic thing for dogs, but it isn’t always for the attention. Don’t get me wrong she is a bit of an attention seeker but after a while, she will just sit down somewhere, usually on the armchair, and just be another person who is listening to all the convos going on. To be honest, though all these examples are a bit of a stretch, but I can’t really think of a way to show you what I mean. She just has so much emotion that you are kinda like “you were a whole ass human in another life”. If she barks and you ignore her, you better know damn well that she’ll jump up next to you and full-on smack you in the face. That isn’t even a joke though. Like it is good that I wear glasses because that bitch comes out of nowhere and just fly kicks you in the face. It’s cute though I guess.

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Demon

Kind of adding onto the last thing I said, she can be rude as fuck. She will get what she wants and she will do whatever it takes to get it. It is cute at the start but then you are just like “would you literally stop hitting me with your sharp ass nails bitch”. She also gives demon vibes whenever she gets really energetic and gets the zoomies or whatever the fuck that is called. You know when they just go mental and run around everywhere and bark at nothing? Yeah well, that’s it. But you can see it build up. She kinda leans back and goes really close to the floor and her ears are literally plastered t the back of her head. Then her eyes got really wide and her mouth slowly opens and then she just goes ballistic.

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It’s so funny though because I’ll be walking and then all of a sudden this happens and she is basically spinning around as though she’s about to fucking take off. And sometimes she just can’t stop herself because she is so fast and then literally runs right into a wall or a fence and she’ll get humbled real quick. I just laugh, to be honest, but then she gets started again. And it’s embarrassing when people walk by and you’re trying to convince them that you aren’t stealing this dog and they are in fact a good girl. She is a cutie though and she would never hurt a fly, or rather she could never hurt a fly. That bitch small as fuck.

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Elephant

I compare my dog to an elephant not only because she has massive ears and is literally so cute, but also because her nose is fucking powerful. Not even joking, there was this one time that I went to pick her up from her wee doggy daycare thing and when I got there I knocked and was waiting for someone to answer and I heard something really weird. I genuinely got scared for a moment because I thought there was a hurricane or some shit starting up. Genuinely it went on for like a minute and my heart was beating but then it stopped and I looked in the door and it was my fucking dog. She deadass was sniffing the hell out of the door. I nearly started pissing myself because I had never heard anything like it. She was tryna smell if it was me but she nearly sucked me in at the strength she was sniffing at. You look at her and think she is the most harmless thing ever but the things that come out of that wee body is frightening.

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Soap

This one is completely different to all the other things but if I’m gonna be honest with you, this is hands down the most accurate. Tell me why Miss girl turns into fucking Bambi whenever she walks on anything that isn’t carpet? Like that isn’t a joke. It’s as though bloody Frozone swooped in just when she goes to walk. And she genuinely is scared though and it’s so stupid because she will put herself into an awkward situation. She will deadass jump out of her bed and walk into the kitchen, which has tiled floors, then the next second she’s barking like she’s got a problem with us. But tell me why she can waddle into the kitchen just fine, but when it’s time to head back, she ain’t never walked before. Like, make it make sense bitch!

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I do have to admit that when she walks she can literally wipe herself onto the ground. I have expected a referee to come out and confirm a knockout because she hits the floor like a brick. Other times she just runs like a cartoon where she is moving her legs so fast but doesn’t get anywhere. It’s so funny because you can see she is trying to be so careful but then all of a sudden she just blasts off but literally doesn’t go anywhere for a solid 5 seconds. It is so funny. But do you want to hear her solution? Walking backwards. That isn’t even a joke. Hands down that are what she does. She will turn her ass around and back it up like a fucking truck. But it works so I guess that’s fair enough.

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Anyways, I kinda feel bad about slabbering about my dog for a hot minute but it’s all the truth, to be honest. Maybe that’s why she glares at me… oh well. Please comment down below if your dog does any of these things and if you are a professional please tell me what the hell is up with her. Whether or not she is a dog I don’t care because she is still the cutest thing you’ll ever see and I’d fight you on it. Don’t forget to like and subscribe for more. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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The power of apps

This could possibly be my most dumb fucking post because I know I’m about to sound like I’m some sort of old bitch who just discovered the internet, but honestly, I just think of a lot of random crap and I like to share it, whether you like it or not. I mean, if you… Continue Reading →

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Do You Know What’s Weird? | Plants are alive

Now please don’t think I’m some sort of alien conspiracy bitch, like I understand that plants are a living thing because I went to school (not in the USA) and did biology (again, not in the USA) so I would say I know a thing or two. I also think about things too much which… Continue Reading →

Why Does Nobody Appreciate A Bargain?

POV: it’s Saturday. You are with a friend on the train and because we are so spontaneous we say “hey, why don’t we go to Botanic instead?”. You feel crazy because you are now getting off one stop later, what a rush. You go around and live the quirky life you desired as you shop… Continue Reading →

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Rating English From A Native Speaker

Those who have read my blog before will understand and agree with me when I say I don’t know shit about writing good in English. Lol, that was a joke, but I am still pretty bad at it. I constantly have Grammarly on when I type and either the whole sentence is fucking underlined in red or (because I have the free version) it just goes orange and stares at me obnoxiously. I’ll tell you what though, I’ve really put them to the test and for the free version, I would highly recommend (not sponsored lol). I also think that if you were to hear me speak that you would be like “shit she wasn’t lying” because I literally forget what words are in different tenses and I kid you not I literally forgot the word tenses and was just gonna write past, present and future timings. That’s embarrassing for me

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I wanted to give some examples of the things that I get mixed up with especially in terms of the tenses because you might be thinking “what is this bitch talking about”. The truth is I just overthink it and when you actually think of words and grammar it just fucks with your mind. My first conundrum of the day isn’t actually to do with tenses so sorry to get your hopes up I guess, but it’s the way that “funner” isn’t a word. Who the hell decided on that? Like that isn’t even funny. But do you know what is worse than the word funner not existing? The fucking dictionary-ass people who have the audacity to remind you. Mind your damn business because while you might mind it fun to do, it’s a whole lot funner to shut your mouth. Like it ain’t funny though tbh. Can you really look me in the face and tell me I give a shit about grammar? No

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I would also like to slightly redeem my dignity by saying I’m not crap at languages because I actually am pretty good at Spanish if I do say so myself. Por ejemplo… hola. Jokes I actually do really enjoy Spanish and I learn it in school and shit. I’m not just saying that to brag but I do have a point. I think I am crap at English because I have been studying a completely new language and having to learn all types of tenses and think about all the different grammar crap that comes with it. I swear to god I have never heard or realized I’ve been using all these tenses. There’s the pluperfect, imperfect, preterite, conditional and so much more. That has meant that I’ve been more focused on what we have to do for English and now I’m so fucking thankful that it’s my first language. It causes me to have a mental breakdown so I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like.

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What’s the whole deal with the fucking copycat words like there, their and they’re or right and write or your and you’re. It’s a whole big thing for no goddamn reason! Honestly, how do you do it though? Surely it’s so confusing and just when you think you get the hang of it they turn up with a whole new rule book. Like where you put the apostrophe to show possession and then what to do if there is more than one person. I literally don’t even know it myself and I just guess. I mean it’s a 50/50 chance that I’ll get it right and the majority of the time I’ve got autocorrect to help but I don’t know what I’m gonna do when I gotta write shit for real. My boss will probably read my CV and just cry at it. I’ll just be there like “Hello, I’m the greatest for this job because I can talk good to customer’s and listen more good than any other person who you hiring.” I’ll literally give them a seizure and then be like “NO OH!”

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Thank fuck there aren’t any accents in English though because that would be the last straw for me. Apostrophes are enough for me and although Spanish quite literally has accents in it, I can just about forgive them because they only go one away/are a squiggle. I did French for a few years in school and my mental health was going up and down just like the fucking accents because I couldn’t for the life of me figure them out. And then you’d have to pronounce them too. Obviously, that would get easier but my vocal abilities are so limited that I might as well be some new category like ditone because I’m not quite monotone but I find it hard to fluctuate mid-word. It would drain me literally. That reminds me, I also don’t know the difference/when to say literally or figuratively. I also have to admit that the only reason I can remember the difference between inferring and imply is through The Simpsons because Lisa said something and then Homer was like “what are you inferring?” Then Lisa was like “no, I imply, you infer” and then Homer was like “oh thank god”. I might actually still get that wrong but until I’m told otherwise I will say it like that

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Although we may not have accents on our words, we just had to go and add ‘silent letters’ to shit. That actually makes me speechless because you can not convince me that isn’t the biggest prank in the world. And then there are also words with like double n’s and double ss’s and at that point, I give up. No joke because I know that there should be double of something but I don’t know where. Mississippi… excuse me? No. Pteridactal. Where was the need? It doesn’t add any significance to the word by making it have a random letter. There is no point. Again, if English wasn’t my first language I would not even try. Like why is English somehow the default language? Who decided that. I mean I am very lucky to have it as my first language and that a majority of the people I will ever talk to also know/have learned English so I don’t really have to learn another language which when you think about it is a privilege and makes me sound like a bitch. Surely there is a nicer language to be the default. I think Spanish should be because it’s just so fun to speak and sounds good. Like the Northern Irish accent makes me gag. It is fucking awful and that’s partly why I wouldn’t make a podcast.

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I would also like to add that I have the most basic vocabulary out of everyone on this planet. That isn’t even a joke because I remember when we transitioned from Primary school to high school and in English class or just when you talked to people they would come out with these big words and I’m here trying to sound out Wed-nes-day. I am gonna blame my primary school on that one because I mean they weren’t the best but they got me where I needed to be. It did suck though because I basically had to sit with a dictionary to comprehend what they were saying and then when it came to like exams or just talking in general the thesaurus became my literal bible. Do I remember any of them? No, that shit goes through one ear and out the other, but I just cared less and realised that if they wanna talk their own bloody language then they can go ahead and do that because I’m gonna stay here and be proud that I got the word ‘comprehend’ into this post.

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One last thing that I wanted to talk about before I closed off on this post is something that I guess can happen with all languages, but it’s just when you say a word so many times that it sounds so weird. I just searched it up and found out that the word for this is ‘Semantic Satiation’ which sounds so freaky. Do you get that? I swear even if I say a word twice within the same minute it will seem like a completely different language. It’s because you never think of it and it’s only when you realise you’ve been saying it a lot that you focus on it and then you realise that English is fucking weird. Words like ‘fork’ or ‘kettle’ are just so random. They would be the type of words that you would giggle at with your friends because it sounds so weird. Yes, we were fucking annoying.

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Anyways, that’s all I can really talk about without getting freaked out by my own words and thoughts so I guess I will leave you to it. If you are someone who is currently learning or is fluent in English as their second language, please do comment below and tell me what you feel because I can’t even begin to imagine how crazy it must sound. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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The Most Common US Misconceptions About The UK

This post is gonna come off as fucking cheeky and kind of playing with American stereotypes, but I want to make it clear to you now that I 100% mean it. So, sorry I guess but it has to be done. To be fair though, when was there ever a need for you to learn… Continue Reading →

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How To Describe My Blog

Sometimes when I am writing a new post I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and wonder what the fuck I’m even talking about. What genre is this? I would say comedy but then again I don’t want to seem cocky and I don’t even know if people understand my humour. I would also… Continue Reading →

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I Don’t Get The Guinness Book Of World Records

Maybe it’s because I have no skills of my own but like I don’t understand the hype of the Guinness book of world records because the only thing it did was make me confused at why the drink my dad loves is making a book? Like… make it make sense. It’s kinda cool I guess… Continue Reading →

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These Brands Are Getting Way Out Of Hand

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Up until last month, I used to think that Corona was the worst thing that happened to us but fuck me this is 10 times worse. I mean I know the pandemic was tough but this has ruined my whole entire life and all of my memories. It makes me physically ill to talk about so be blessed you get to read this post. So prepare yourself guys because I’m about to reveal what is going on. The problem is… the pringles logo😱

New and old pringles logo
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I’m sorry but they really did him dirty. Like what the actual hell were they thinking. He looks literally depressed or as though he just saw something he shouldn’t have. The guy has been absolutely ROBBED of his hair. Did he have kids? Is he papa Pringle now? There better be a good fucking reason because this is not my Pringle man. Literally, where did these eyebrows come from? Maybe he looked in the mirror because he got the same reaction as us. It really hurts my soul that this innocent man has been literally been taken advantage of like this. Don’t fix something that isn’t broken.

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But the thing is their excuse for this monstrosity. I kid you not they were saying it’s because they want to appeal to Gen Zs by being more minimalistic. Don’t put the blame on me bitch. I don’t claim any of this. Like why fix something that isn’t broken? It just doesn’t make sense. Maybe we like a minimalist house or designer shit but we love a good classic. Our generation is so anxiety-ridden that we love to see the same old shit as normal. That’s why we rewatch friends and the office. We like to be comforted by the things we already know and have known all our life.

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Oh but don’t think that this is only pringles. Nah, I’m gonna expose all these hoes. Let’s start with our old friend Doritos who have sadly been through an identity crisis and now think they are the YouTube play button

New and old Doritos logo
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I’m sorry you had to see that but you must be aware of the truth. You can’t excuse that. That’s basically a crime against humanity and when I see my therapist I am going to show him this photo and I won’t have to say anything else. It’s like he grew up and lost all personality. Get Doritos on some counselling now because that’s not healthy. I don’t recognize this brand. It was so full of life and Gad hopes for the future. It gave me hope but now it gives me “what is the point of anything if we all die eventually”.

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Guys, I just searched up new and old logos and I genuinely feel like I need to hide out in a bunker until this madness passes. Look at what Burger King is doing

New and old Burger King logo
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Who can I call to sue Burger King for this? Like… it was a joke up until now. What were they on when they were coming up with this? The only reason this would make sense is if they had an intern who was freaking out when they asked him to come up with a new logo or if they were high off their heads and going through some sort of mid-life crisis. I would love to see what their sales are like now because I’m ready to boycott them no joke. It’s actually becoming a global crisis and it needs to be stopped. They can’t take our childhood away from us because that was a good time in my life. I want my kids to live with the original Mr Pringle because they may not see a fucking polar bear or some shot so at least give them the OG packaging. Get your priorities straight bitch.

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This actually does sadden me and it doesn’t stop so I’m going to go and cry now. So yeah I’ll leave you with that and if you can get in touch with any of the people guilty of this crime then do send them this. Comment down below what you guys think and if you actually like them. If you do I would get that checked out, to be honest. But yeah don’t forget to like and subscribe also. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT

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Are We Born Hypocrites?

This is quite literally an actual question because lately, I have been talking to a lot of people who go back on themselves and completely make themselves look like an idiot. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments where I’ve been unfair by telling people they can’t do something and then I go do it myself but that is why I come to you with this question. Are we born hypocrites?

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Think about it. Everybody seems to be one and if you say you aren’t then you are either lying or a robot. Our parents did, and still do, it all the time with things like “I don’t care if you don’t like the food, just eat it” but then they will never go near or even look at the food they don’t like. Another example is adults in general who say you must “stand up for yourself and not let anyone get you down” but as soon as you speak your mind and go against what someone says they go absolutely mental saying it’s disrespectful even though they are also arguing with you and now we must go to our room. This leads to the next point where they want us to get out of our room. So it goes from “go to your room!” to “get out of your room and have a life” and then to “stop spending so much time with your friends” and then you tell them how they aren’t being reasonable and the cycle starts again.

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But to be fair, I don’t think we can blame them. Our views change and so do our actions. For example, at the moment there are things that I would say I am never going to do to my kids like hit or scream at them. I also don’t want them to have no imagination by going on their tablet all the time. But will that be the case in the future? So here is me acting like the worlds best parent coach and being like “you shouldn’t do that” or “you need to be nicer and then they’ll listen” but I assume kids can get bloody frustrating and exhausting so the only thing you can do is give them their iPad or something. To be fair I will never hit my kid but like you get what I’m saying.

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You could have a strong argument that we are born hypocrites because it helps to keep us safe. It is an instinct that we have gotten built into us in the past thousands of years. We see it as a way to protect others and while we may not recognise it as hypocrisy, it is. And it bloody sucks when people don’t recognise this because then it happens more often and can lead to a manipulative person It can grow to many things so while hypocrisy may not be a bad thing, it is bloody dangerous and we need to recognise it.

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I wouldn’t say we are born hypocrites, but we are taught it from a very young age. Even from the little stuff like “don’t touch that” and then we immediately touch it or “don’t interrupt me” and then we lately completely interrupt them because we think we are allowed to. It’s just part of human life and isn’t really something you can avoid. You can try but it won’t work out because someday you might not look both ways when crossing the road or “just relax” whenever something bugs us.

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Overall, hypocrites annoy the living daylight out of me. Obviously, I don’t mean everyone in the whole world, but the people who are so clearly doing it but don’t understand it themselves. It’s people like the politics who are raving every day about staying inside and staying in a bubble but then flying off to a holiday home on the other side of the world. And it’s when you have a disagreement with a parent and they get annoyed at you only because they aren’t used to having their own child, who they raised to be confident and opinionated, come and challenge their opinions. It’s also when you walk near your sister’s room or tell her something important and she literally screams your ear off and actually makes you fear for your life, but then they kick your door open and rummage around your stuff as though they own the place and when you ask them to leave they just laugh and continue messing around.

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Sure it can just be messing around and harmless, but sometimes I get scared that someone I love will get so accustomed to it that they don’t even understand that what people are doing to them is wrong. Like in a relationship they may have a manipulative partner and they don’t find out it’s toxic before it’s too late. They don’t understand that you are allowed to give your opinion and argue about what you think is right or wrong. And we should be able to do that without being told off afterwards. If we keep getting mixed signals we won’t know what’s right or wrong so we just choose to do nothing. Just stay quiet and hope for the best because at least then any bad reactions won’t be your fault. And that my friends are how low self-esteem and lack of confidence can grow.

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I know that sounded deep as fuck, but I think what I really wanted to get across is that it is human nature to be hypocritical, which doesn’t excuse some people’s behaviours, but shows that you can’t please everyone. You sometimes have to go with your gut and what you know is right because people’s opinions and actions can change fucking quickly and you should speak up if you feel someone is disrespectful or incorrect. You should shout, swear and put the middle finger up to the creepy old man that catcalls you when he drives past, and you fucking better be whoever and wear whatever, you want because you are unique and worth it. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Merry Chrysler!

Merry Christmas guys! I want to keep this post short and sweet because honestly who the fuck wants to read this on Christmas but if you are then I respect you and you a real one. But anyway lol I know this year has been kinda very shite but it’s nearly over and we made… Continue Reading →

Thank Goodness For Growing Up

I’m no Peter Pan, but I never want to grow up. Well, except for these reasons. Maybe it won’t be so bad after all.

Humans Haven’t Evolved For Shit

Humans haven’t evolved for shit, well not in the way I would like. I would warn all the Ross Gellers, or people who actually understand this topic, to beware because this may cost you a few brain cells, but I do want to add I am not a Karen and I do believe in evolution, this is a joke.

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What Comes After 21?

If you are like me, an overthinker, you will most likely understand this question immediately. And no, the answer is a little more complicated than 22. I swear if I get a comment like that I will literally erase my existence. Anyways, for those who don’t really get what I mean, let me tell you.

What comes after 21? A question I have always asked myself since I started my anxious life. I mean for every birthday until then there has been significant. There is the actual day of your birth, which is big for obvious reasons, you’ve got 10 when you finally go into the double digits, 13 you are a teen, 17 you can learn to drive, 18 you can legally drink (in the UK), 20 you are no longer a teen, and while 21 is bigger in the USA because they can legally drink now, it is still counted as a milestone birthday around the world. But then what? Not to be morbid or anything but the next big day is your… death day. Yes, you have the 30s, 40s, 50s and so on, but that’s basically just a “well done for still breathing”. Nothing big changes in your life. It isn’t life some things become open to you that may not have been before. Except for a nursing home, or an over 50’s workout class. I mean that isn’t even a joke.

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At the moment the only things I have to look forward to are the ‘level ups’ in life because when I turn 17 I can drive, when I turn 18 I can sign up for the police and legally drink, but then what? What will I look forward to doing? What will I look out the window in awe and dream of the time when I can do the same. I mean I’m sorry but I’m not looking forward to free bus cards (well, maybe a little). Life as an adult already seemed so depressing to me but now that you don’t really have any set goals, what do you have? I suppose you can always make goals of your own, but if you are unmotivated like me, it can be hard to stick to those and actually make goals that are reachable. I would only be setting myself up for failure.

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I suppose it isn’t the birthday milestones that are gonna be the tragedy of life as an adult. Like I don’t find the fact that we won’t be squirming in bed on the night before our birthday to be depressing. It’s just that having something to look forward to learning and doing is kind of the only thing that gets me up in life. Even if that thing will inevitably be disappointing, it was fun to dream of it before then. For example, I always couldn’t wait to go to high school because we would learn so much more interesting and relevant stuff and I could revise which would mean I would have less time being bored (I don’t know where I got that logic from but I actually did think that) and then I got to high school and ended up having the worst experience of my life which led to being looking forward to leaving it.

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Another thing I couldn’t wait for was getting a job. To earn my own money, do an interview, meet new people, have exciting experiences, to be independent. And as most things go, I ended up hating it. After the first week that amazement fizzled out and I realised that the general public is pieces of stuck up shit (I was a waitress) and the people I worked with (only a select few I suppose) were assholes who made my life hell. Make sure to check out my other post which talks more about that horror of waitressing here and here. But anyway, that was another thing that I dreamed of doing, and when it came the magic was gone. I always guessed it would happen but that didn’t make the thought of it less magical.

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It’s things like that I am scared to finish. Having so many firsts, being excited to start new things, reaching milestones you thought of as a kid. I suppose there is marriage and kids if that is what you want but after that what is there? Retirement? I really don’t want to end up looking forward to that because I want a job I love and enjoy waking up to every day. But if I don’t look forward to retirement then what can I dream about? Yes, I know this is a depressing fucking topic and I feel like a bunch of adults are gonna read this like “I don’t even have a fucking clue” and spin-off into an existential crisis, but it is just a genuine question. Like just because I can’t see anything important, doesn’t mean that there isn’t because I could be wrong. Maybe having a clean slate for your future and being able to do anything LEGAL that you want is freeing. I don’t know? But at the moment I am 16 and I don’t have many milestones left and that terrifies me. A lot of things scare me to be fair but this one is harder to disprove.

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So am I wrong? Adults, please do tell me that I am. Are birthdays just not important and now it is just what happens in between? I really do hope I am wrong and I guess age is just a number but also a fucking important number as well. I think I might make another post on that because yes age is a number, but it isn’t JUST a number is it? Oh well, comment down below if you would like a post about that because I actually just came u with a few good ideas for that. Follow so that you get notified when I post about that in the near future and like if you enjoyed this page of existentialism. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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the christmas spirit is a curse, christmas, snow, winter, comforting

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