If you are like me, an overthinker, you will most likely understand this question immediately. And no, the answer is a little more complicated than 22. I swear if I get a comment like that I will literally erase my existence. Anyways, for those who don’t really get what I mean, let me tell you.
What comes after 21? A question I have always asked myself since I started my anxious life. I mean for every birthday until then there has been significant. There is the actual day of your birth, which is big for obvious reasons, you’ve got 10 when you finally go into the double digits, 13 you are a teen, 17 you can learn to drive, 18 you can legally drink (in the UK), 20 you are no longer a teen, and while 21 is bigger in the USA because they can legally drink now, it is still counted as a milestone birthday around the world. But then what? Not to be morbid or anything but the next big day is your… death day. Yes, you have the 30s, 40s, 50s and so on, but that’s basically just a “well done for still breathing”. Nothing big changes in your life. It isn’t life some things become open to you that may not have been before. Except for a nursing home, or an over 50’s workout class. I mean that isn’t even a joke.
At the moment the only things I have to look forward to are the ‘level ups’ in life because when I turn 17 I can drive, when I turn 18 I can sign up for the police and legally drink, but then what? What will I look forward to doing? What will I look out the window in awe and dream of the time when I can do the same. I mean I’m sorry but I’m not looking forward to free bus cards (well, maybe a little). Life as an adult already seemed so depressing to me but now that you don’t really have any set goals, what do you have? I suppose you can always make goals of your own, but if you are unmotivated like me, it can be hard to stick to those and actually make goals that are reachable. I would only be setting myself up for failure.
I suppose it isn’t the birthday milestones that are gonna be the tragedy of life as an adult. Like I don’t find the fact that we won’t be squirming in bed on the night before our birthday to be depressing. It’s just that having something to look forward to learning and doing is kind of the only thing that gets me up in life. Even if that thing will inevitably be disappointing, it was fun to dream of it before then. For example, I always couldn’t wait to go to high school because we would learn so much more interesting and relevant stuff and I could revise which would mean I would have less time being bored (I don’t know where I got that logic from but I actually did think that) and then I got to high school and ended up having the worst experience of my life which led to being looking forward to leaving it.
Another thing I couldn’t wait for was getting a job. To earn my own money, do an interview, meet new people, have exciting experiences, to be independent. And as most things go, I ended up hating it. After the first week that amazement fizzled out and I realised that the general public is pieces of stuck up shit (I was a waitress) and the people I worked with (only a select few I suppose) were assholes who made my life hell. Make sure to check out my other post which talks more about that horror of waitressing here and here. But anyway, that was another thing that I dreamed of doing, and when it came the magic was gone. I always guessed it would happen but that didn’t make the thought of it less magical.
It’s things like that I am scared to finish. Having so many firsts, being excited to start new things, reaching milestones you thought of as a kid. I suppose there is marriage and kids if that is what you want but after that what is there? Retirement? I really don’t want to end up looking forward to that because I want a job I love and enjoy waking up to every day. But if I don’t look forward to retirement then what can I dream about? Yes, I know this is a depressing fucking topic and I feel like a bunch of adults are gonna read this like “I don’t even have a fucking clue” and spin-off into an existential crisis, but it is just a genuine question. Like just because I can’t see anything important, doesn’t mean that there isn’t because I could be wrong. Maybe having a clean slate for your future and being able to do anything LEGAL that you want is freeing. I don’t know? But at the moment I am 16 and I don’t have many milestones left and that terrifies me. A lot of things scare me to be fair but this one is harder to disprove.
So am I wrong? Adults, please do tell me that I am. Are birthdays just not important and now it is just what happens in between? I really do hope I am wrong and I guess age is just a number but also a fucking important number as well. I think I might make another post on that because yes age is a number, but it isn’t JUST a number is it? Oh well, comment down below if you would like a post about that because I actually just came u with a few good ideas for that. Follow so that you get notified when I post about that in the near future and like if you enjoyed this page of existentialism. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.
It comes as no shock that there is currently a trial between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Just to clear things up, Amber Heard is an actor… mostly. But for real I have never seen or heard of her ever before. I’m pretty sure Johnny said she was on Aquaman or something. All you need… Continue Reading →
I don’t know what to call this feeling, but you know when you get a sudden realisation that this is in fact real life. Like you aren’t gonna start into a new season or a new episode of a show. You are just gonna start the next day with the same problems, the same things… Continue Reading →
I don’t know if this is the social anxiety coming out of me right now but like for real I just let others decide who I am for real. Like it’s not that I’m fake, I’m just moldable? That sounds weird as fuck but like I will change my personality to suit the person I’m… Continue Reading →
So, with making this blog I wanted to make sure I was completely honest with you guys. I know that makes it sound really scary as though I’m gonna be like “I am Michael Jackson, I in fact did not die” but it isn’t that deep. It’s just a thing that most of us go through but nobody talks about which makes it seem like more of a weird thing. You’ll understand more when I get into this post but lets get started with a quick story time of what I did yesterday that kinda gave me this and you will probably be able to guess where I am going with this.
So yesterday, I started my first day of work EVER. Like literally my first day of work, and it was in a restaurant, so it was safe to say I was shitting myself. But anyways, I went in absolutely shaking, so much so that they probably thought I was of those air bag people at car sales places that just flap around in the wind, but like during a hurricane. That was kind of a weird description but you get it, right. Anyways, I was nervous and sweaty and in a complete mess. But I tried to keep my composed. Luckily it was just a 3 hour shift. The people there were nice but like you know when you feel like people are being nice because they have to and in reality they don’t want you there. That was my thoughts. And I swear all my hearing went out the door because people would talk to me and, maybe it’s just the masks, but I couldn’t hear shit so would have to ask them to repeat and I would still not understand. I shadowed someone most of the time but when she went on break I felt so out of place and I barely talked to anyone else because I was the youngest and also scared I would do something awkward like be myself 😮
If I made one mistake I would literally die inside and be like “I canny work a till what the fuck”. I also seem really dumb because I just don’t notice the obvious. Like the one time I spoke to another person was when I was like “is this the large and then the other one is the pint” because the actual large was actual at the back of the shelf and I didn’t really see it. And he was like “that is the regular, the large is this one” and he showed me so I went to try and find it and realised the glasses where fucking labelled so I looked like an idiot because I didn’t see them there. I looked like a dumb blonde in that moment. Also, whenever the forks ran out I was like where are the other forks and she pointed to a bucket of clean forks that was literally right beside me. I really don’t know how I wasn’t fired on the spot for incompetence. Also, I was so shaky that when I had to write down the orders, you could hardly read it and my handwriting is bad on a normal day but this was looking like fucking Latin or some shit because it made no sense at all
But let’s get onto the main point of this post. From the moment my shift started to 2 pm the next day, I have been feeling so weird. Like I felt sick to my stomache and all the things I did wrong stuck in my head and I was so embarrassed and terrified for my next shift. I was literally still shaking and tense hours after it finished. It took me ages to get to bed that night because no matter what, I would always go back to thinking about how I was rubbish. And you know, I think a lot of people go through that especially at their first job, but in the moment you feel as though you are never gonna be able to work again. I have 3 shifts next week and I am actually so scared and I feel kind of like an impostor or some shit, but I am still gonna go and hopefully it only gets better from here. I mean I’m pretty sure this is as bad as it can get, but knowing me, I can go a lot lower than this, it’s a specialty of mine. lol jokes, but like I hope this is helpful to someone going through something similar or just scary in general and I hope that you have a way to express those feelings. If you don’t, please leave a comment or contact me directly and we can talk about whatever it is and if you are interested you could upload a post on this blog so that others can share their thoughts. It can be anonymous as well obviously.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this post and found it somewhat useful because I know a lot of people can feel this amount of stress and anxiety after some situations, and know that’s ok as long as you share that with someone. But I will see you later for another post, don’t forget to like, share, comment and follow if you enjoyed this content. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.
I’ve been off this blog for a while now so I thought I’d keep you updated on what I’ve been doing. Fuck all, to be honest, but one of the things that have wasted my time was watching Netflix, or more specifically, that one with the fucking long name called “the woman in the house… Continue Reading →
Please let me tell you that I am in fact a girl! I am not some man that is about to start slabbering about how women are supposed to make everyone a fucking sandwich and look after their kids while the man is at war. I also want to say that this is light-hearted and… Continue Reading →
I’m sorry, but between my last post and this one, we have literally gone through a war. That’s not even a joke sadly enough. Corona is kinda fading away (except the Queen has joined the Corona Club) but then we gotta keep the drama alive so we start into world war 3! Sounds like a… Continue Reading →
I feel like a common theme with my content and the titles is that they all seem like I am about to go into some political talk as though I am about to rant about taxes or other Karen shit, but like it really isn’t, so I don’t know if I attract the wrong audience with it. I can imagine a bunch of middle aged women getting their hair pumped up at the back, like the typical Karen’s do, and getting ready to take notes on the topic so they too can complain about public transport or some shit. And if that does happen to be you, you are gonna be disappointed because it is just my opinion and for a bit of a laugh. I do honestly think public transport is great because of global warming and all that, but like that is the most political thing I am gonna be saying in this post so like I’m sorry to disappoint I suppose lol. I’m gonna go through each form 1 by 1 just because… well I don’t know why but I just am and I don’t know why I am telling you but lets just roll with it.
In all honesty, I love a good train. I think it is my favorite form because it is more relaxed kind of but still not very relaxed. I don’t know why though but they stress the shit out of me and I actually do know why so let me explain. I hope I don’t sound insane, but I also feel the same way about roller coasters which is that I kinda forget that a human controls them and they aren’t just on a time limit. And what I mean by that is that when I go on a roller coaster I get really stressed that the people aren’t going to get to me quick enough so they won’t be able to check my harness, when in reality, they control it and only start it when everyone is on. It isn’t like they have to get it all done in 5 minutes and if somebody isn’t strapped in right then that’s too bad. I feel the same way about the train too, so I feel that if the people getting in first take too long, they will just shut the doors and leave but like people control it so they wouldn’t do that unless they were like bunged up. So that is kinda stressful I suppose.
These are good though because they are quick and usually not too disgusting and they are quick too. Kinda nice vibes as well ad make you feel kinda grown up but like I wouldn’t be wanting to go on at night because, as a woman, I don’t think that would end well for me but like oh well. I think I made another post not long ago talking about how the train conductors are also really scary usually and act as though they have been pissed off since the day they were born, but like you just ignore them I guess and you are fine. Sometimes you can get lucky where they don’t get to you in time so you don’t have to pay and that is an added bonus like. Another thing I also get stressed about is getting onto the train and also just the train platform. I remember the first time I went on the train alone and my mum was waiting at the platform until the train left and she was in front of the yellow line and I was so panicked even when the train wasn’t moving. I was acting as though she was about to get sucked under the train just because she was close to it. I still kinda get scared of that. And when you get onto the train and have to walk over the gap to get in, I always feel as though, somehow, my phone or whatever I am holding, is going to fall in and then I will never get it back. I don’t always feel like I will fall in, but like I have to hold onto everything for dear life because I think it is somehow going to propel itself under the train. How embarrassing would that be if I did though. I always feel like I left something on the train too even when I literally didn’t bring anything onto it lol.
This is hands down my least favourite public transport. Like what the actual fuck I hate it so much. It is stressful enough when I have to get on it to go to school because I feel like I will get on the wrong one and end up in Russia or some shit. And the time table, like I just don’t trust it. You have to make sure that you get on the right one and when you do there are barely any seats so you have to end up sitting or standing next to the druggy who smells like actual shit. And even if you do get a seat they are always so dirty and infested with like 100 different viruses. It is so stressful as well when you get on and they just start moving the bus when you are still paying or just getting to your seat and you are literally flailing everywhere. It’s as though your drunk or something and they always suddenly stop and send you flying into someone. I always get scared that they will not stop at my stop for some reason.
My school bus for going home is literally shit. There are no seats, there are first years running around and shouting everywhere and you can’t even tell them to shut the fuck up, the drivers have anger issues and they sometimes put up the wrong fucking number so they drive a different way and you are like am I getting kidnapped lol. And if they do take the right way at the start, they fucking miss the last stop and we are like “umm where are you going” and they act as though they don’t know shit and are like “where was I supposed to go” and then take a bloody one hour detour just to turn around. It is so stressful and packed and they never have the heaters on in winter but in summer they seem to work and the air conditioning is broken. I hate buses with a passion and I always will
I don’t really know if they are included in the public transport category but they need mentioned anyways. They aren’t too bad like but why does it have to be so awkward and expensive and also kinda embarrassing when you have to take one because you were late to school. When you get one you have to sit there awkwardly or just engage in small talk that makes you want to pull your eyeballs out. The people driving are usually quite nice though and the actual car is nice and clean which is a good touch. I don’t live in New York so like these aren’t any crappy yellow ones. You have to call the company to send someone over and they are nice and all so that isn’t the bad part but why the fuck are they so bloody expensive. Like I guess you have to pay for gas and it is more private but like for fuck sake. You just look at the meter going up every second and you get a fucking heart attack. Sitting in traffic wondering if you can afford to get home. Like what if you don’t have enough money to pay for it all because it is more than expected? Do you just walk away or what
I remember in primary school we went in taxis to go to things like swimming and school trips and we thought we were the bees knees. Especially if the teacher didn’t go in your car and it was just your mates and the driver. There was this one time though when it was just me, my friends and the driver and we got in and the teachers were taking role or whatever and then our driver just drove straight away because the car was full and we were like what the fuck because nobody else had left. The guy was really nice but like on the edge of scary but like he did get us to the place but then 10 minutes after, our teacher finally got there and was like what the fuck because she though we were getting kidnapped or some shit because she didn’t tell the driver to go yet. Kinda fun times I suppose. You would have to be dumb to kidnap someone in a taxi though, pretty obvious like.
I do love a good plane, don’t get me wrong. I mean I love the vibes, it is quiet and you can relax. It is quick and you get the best shows in the world, the safety briefing. But what the fuck is up with the food. Who pissed off the cooks to make them prepare this. I don’t mind the snacks and stuff like the muffins or tea because those are fine, but like I remember I was flying over to america from Northern Ireland and I had pasta or something and it was absolutely awful. Just the texture was so bad. It was all one texture and that was slimy. The chicken was literally rank, the pasta was near dripping and I got off the plane feeling like shit. The people on the plane were kinda cheeky and stuck up though but it might just be because it as a long flight or there were annoying customers, but even at the start you could tell they wanted to throw you out the plane. The first movie is always the most exciting because you are like “ooh, I’m watching a movie in the air on the way to holiday, how fun” but after you are all cramped, you are bored, always interrupted, you need to pee but don’t want to go past anyone and you still have hours left. So while I do prefer a plane to a boat, they can get a bit old very quickly. They are more relaxed though especially when at the airport because you have you plain time called every hour, there is a clear sign about it, there are shops that are way over priced but good for looking around and it is honestly a vibe. I love people watching, not in a creepy way, so it is cool to see how people are literally going everywhere in the world. And if you just sit at the seats near your terminal, you will be sure to never miss your plane, so good times all around.
I remember the first time that I went on a plane without my parents and it was just me and my twin going over to England. The flight over was totally fine and kinda fun, but on the way back I was near in tears because, as you may know, I am quite the anxious person and we had gotten to our terminal with pretty much no bother and when we got there we sat for a bit and this guy was coming around checking the size of peoples bags. Ours had gotten through before so we were like we’ll be fine. Spoiler alert, we weren’t. It was the same airline, the same bags, the same stuff in it and the bag wouldn’t go in by like 1 mm. And I was like, we are never gonna get on this plane, we are going to be stranded here, I am never going to see my family again and the worker was talking about how it was too big and I was like but it got in before and he was like “not it didn’t” and I was like “bitch yes the fuck it did” and then he started talking about having to pay £30 to get it on the plane and I was like “we don’t have that much money with us” because we had just finished our trip and hadn’t brought much in the first place. And by that point I was panicking a lot inside and could only hear more about having to pay and i kept just saying “we can’t do that. We can’t afford that” and apparently by that point he was explaining that is what you normally had to do but he would let us off, so I defo looked like I was hiding something when in reality I was literally dying inside. That has traumatised me a wee bit, but as long as I just go with someone else for the rest of my life, I should be fine.
Anyways, I would talk a bit about boats but like, in summary, they are boring and scary, so there you go. I also feel like I have gone on long enough and I am boring myself. But please comment down below if you liked this and whether you feel the same way or have had another bad experience to tell. Don’t forget to like and follow for even more content like this and to check out my other posts. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.
From the perspective of a 16-year-old girl, I would have to say yes, texts are a ticking time bomb. Call me old fashioned, but honestly, I don’t trust that shit. They are so unpredictable. Now I could lie to you and say that is the reason I don’t text people much, but the plain truth… Continue Reading →
This could possibly be my most dumb fucking post because I know I’m about to sound like I’m some sort of old bitch who just discovered the internet, but honestly, I just think of a lot of random crap and I like to share it, whether you like it or not. I mean, if you… Continue Reading →
Now please don’t think I’m some sort of alien conspiracy bitch, like I understand that plants are a living thing because I went to school (not in the USA) and did biology (again, not in the USA) so I would say I know a thing or two. I also think about things too much which… Continue Reading →
Literally right now I am waiting for a call from a careers advisor. My school set this up and they gave us all a time for when we will be called. Mine was supposed to be half an hour ago and my phone feels like a ticking time bomb.
I swear, phone calls are the worst thing, especially if you know they are going to happen. At the time the call was supposed to be, I was shaking like a leaf. NO, I was shacking like Bambi, on ice, wearing heals. I mean I don’t know if I put in the right number or what. I feel like this is somehow my fault, when it literally is not. Literally it feels as though the wee person could call at – LOL I just got called ahhaha. Anyways, I was talking about how I literally was scared of my phone. I was just staring it down and was jumping at every notification that I got. Because I mean you think about everything you have to say and then also about how your voice sounds over the phone. I mean my voice sounds so different when it is like recorded or anything so I have no clue what it sounds like and that literally gives me a heart attack every time I remember that. And you know the way sometimes you get that weird sound made by your throat? I always get scared that they’ll be like ‘did a dinosaur just enter your room’ or like if I swallow I always wonder if they can hear that. It is just a whole process I suppose.
The thing with calls is that, it basically a conversation where you can’t concentrate. You have all the stress of keeping the talking going but you also get distracted so you literally lose focus and then it is so awkward. Like there were times that I am like ‘ Yes I understand’ but in my head I am like what the fuck did they just say. Doesn’t it take so much energy to focus and you can’t really think about what they are saying. And then when you text someone, you have actual time to think about what you say and although it is harder to hear what they mean, I prefer to text. It doesn’t take time out of your day to text because you can answer it whenever but then you always get those people who talk about every aspect of their life. I mean I could say ‘so how was your day’ and then they would be like ‘well, it all started on the day I was born…’ and then you are there for hours, putting in sentence fillers every so often like ‘wow’, ‘serious’, ‘ahaha’ while you are literally dying inside.
It can get so awkward as well sometimes because phone calls can lag obviously. Sometimes I can’t figure out if they asked me a question or not and then they are quiet for a second so I answer something random even though they didn’t ask me something. It is funny sometimes when it lags at the exact moment you want to say something. So when you think they aren’t saying anything, you start to speak and so do they, so you stop and so do they, you start and so do they. It is so awkward. It is basically the talking version of trying to walk past someone but you keep turning to get past them but then you keep going the same way and it is so embarrassing. And the thing is, it is like that to the end. I mean why does everybody want to say goodbye first. I mean we all sound like a flock of pigeons like bye bye bye bye bye bye. And you feel rude for hanging up ahahha I just hate every aspect of it.
I guess I do have to give calls a pit of slack because they have saved me from some embarrassing moments. Like that time I spoke when I wasn’t supposed to. You can read about that in my past post here. I mean it do get you outta some sticky situations. And if you are careful you can make some prank calls on the sales people or other shops and stuff although to be honest I never really did that. Phone calls can be good, I suppose, for emergencies because I mean if you are literally dying and text me on snapchat or something, you may as well start digging your grave because I wont see it for the next 50-7 business days.
Over all, phone calls are a sin. You can get scammed. You can get pranked. You can get embarrassed. I mean the anxiety when you get one is so bad that I might just have to throw it out the window. I mean I have grown up with this technology basically all of my life, yet I hate them. I mean no matter who it is. Sometimes it could be someone I know but I would still be scared. I mean please just do a face time because my heart can’t take it any longer. Please tell me someone else feels this way too and that I am not a socially awkward freak.
Thank you for reading. Please follow, like and donate some change if you can so that I can keep all of my content free for everyone. Also go check out a great money app I found and some discount codes because I mean at least nice clothes will build up the confidence that the phone call stole from you. Have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.
Yooo here is the wee app I was on about. It does sound like a scam to be fair but it is actually a safe and secure app. I use it to make a wee bit of extra cash and you can too if you just click here