How To Describe My Blog

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Sometimes when I am writing a new post I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and wonder what the fuck I’m even talking about. What genre is this? I would say comedy but then again I don’t want to seem cocky and I don’t even know if people understand my humour. I would also say it’s relatable, but then again that’s hardly a fucking genre and I also might just be fucking weird and therefore it isn’t relatable. So I thought I would make this post about what I think my blog is about just to clear things up for everyone, despite the fact I don’t even know the answer myself. Maybe someone can help me out?

Post Content
1. A Blonde Bitch Wrote It
2. “Should I be laughing?”
3. Where was the need?
4. Fair play I guess
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A Blonde Bitch Wrote It

This is quite a good description and really speaks volumes because it is so accurate. Now I’m not saying that it’s just dumb content (sorry to go off stereotypes but bear with me), but I quite literally am a blonde bitch (see! It’s just self-deprecation). And I love that for me, I really do, but then again it really shows. Don’t get me wrong, not all blonde people are dumb, but I certainly am. Well, not dumb as in uneducated, but dumb as in I say the most random stuff and am confused about a lot of stuff. Do you get what I mean? I do well in school but I’m just daft and gullible… Just go watch legally blonde for fuck sake, it’s accurate enough (at the start). So basically my blog just costs you a few brain cells for every post, no biggy.

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“Should I Be Laughing?”

Ah, yes, a perfect way to think about my blog. This is where you read my post and think to yourself “should I be laughing or calling for help?” because I like to use humour as a coping mechanism which doesn’t always execute well on text, but trust me you would be pissing yourself in real life (well…). Honestly, though, I think everyone reading this can understand and might choose to compromise and laugh while you cry. It’s a good feeling. Don’t worry about me though guys because I am totally fine :/ and there is nothing to worry about 😐 Nothing at all :):

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Where Was The Need

I ask myself this every day because it’s completely valid. Why the fuck did I just have to write a fucking essay type post on the reasons I don’t get the Guinness Book of World Records or discuss my opinions on newborns? Who really gives a shit? Well, I suppose at least 314 (followers=legends). Not to toot my own horn or anything but I suppose it’s entertainment at its finest. It’s mind-numbing information, yet you are reading it so you feel less lazy than if you were watching a video. Shoutout to all those people trying to read more for their new year’s resolution, one more day in the bag yeeeooo

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I also feel as though this subheading also refers to how I type like I talk. Like I literally add in things that I could pretty much erase and write in a better way but then I’ll be like “fuck it” and then make fun of myself for it in the next sentence. My English teacher would be rolling in her grave right now but whom gives a shit

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Fair Play I Guess

Lastly (unless I think of anymore), I am not too proud to admit that my blog is pretty fucking embarrassing and honestly might share a bit too much information. Not in an age-rating type of way, but as in ‘if my councillor found this I would be given a few extra appointments’ type shit. But that is what I planned to do from the very start because I see so many people out there who will hide all that and then when they talk about it they make it quite a formal and awkward situation (for me anyway. I guess it depends who you are as a person) which I don’t really like. I wanted this to kind of make light of it, but like not make it seem any less important, but like to make it seem more approachable.

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Literally, I just got all soppy there but do you get me? I want this to feel safe for everyone. So yeah, people reading this might think I am a fucking nutjob for saying and thinking all these things but, in the words of Louie Spence, “I’ve done it now, it’s too bleedin’ late. What are they gonna do? What’s gonna happen? They gonna shoot me? I doubt. They’d have to catch me first, I’m like a whippet”

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Anyway, that is it for me today, but if you have any other way to describe my blog please do feel free to comment, as long as it isn’t anything bad because I swear to god I will cry. But in all honesty, jokes aside, I really appreciate every single one of you and my favourite part of the day is reading your comments. So thank you again, don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe for more. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Do You Know What’s Weird? | Plants are alive

Now please don’t think I’m some sort of alien conspiracy bitch, like I understand that plants are a living thing because I went to school (not in the USA) and did biology (again, not in the USA) so I would say I know a thing or two. I also think about things too much which… Continue Reading →

Why Does Nobody Appreciate A Bargain?

POV: it’s Saturday. You are with a friend on the train and because we are so spontaneous we say “hey, why don’t we go to Botanic instead?”. You feel crazy because you are now getting off one stop later, what a rush. You go around and live the quirky life you desired as you shop… Continue Reading →

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The Most Common US Misconceptions About The UK

This post is gonna come off as fucking cheeky and kind of playing with American stereotypes, but I want to make it clear to you now that I 100% mean it. So, sorry I guess but it has to be done. To be fair though, when was there ever a need for you to learn… Continue Reading →

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Let’s Discuss It| Stating The Obvious

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I’m not really an angry person if I’m gonna be honest and although this doesn’t really make me that angry, it gets me in that manic laughing phase which is kinda fucking scary. Like you know that point where you just look at someone who just said something to you and you don’t have any words to say because they just said something really idiotic so all you can do is laugh. That is what happens to me when people state the obvious. I can’t do anything but laugh. I’ll give some examples though so that you can help judge whether or not I’m a dramatic bitch or if we are both dramatic bitches 😮

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Tomorrow Is a New Day

No shit sherlock. I mean is that supposed comforting? Yeah, I guess it is a new day because of fucking common sense and science, but so what I’m still gonna have the same problems or have to face the embarrassment of the day before. Say I failed an exam and was just sad for the rest of the day or something (that was a shocking example but get over it) then somebody would come over and say “it’s ok, tomorrow is a new day”. And then they’ll just sit there acting like Shakespeare or some shit because they have such a way with words. It’s just as well I have corona so I can’t smell the amount of shit coming out of you is unbelievable.

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The World Hasn’t Ended

I have had a lot of people say this and it’s usually in such a passive-aggressive tone and I’m just there like obviously because I happen to not be blown into smithereens. Just because I am worried or stressed to do something doesn’t mean I think the world is gonna end. To be honest that would be better. I would welcome it. Tell me the world hasn’t ended and I’ll be sad. But then you’ll come out with the whole “tomorrow’s a new day” and that’ll make me worse again. It’s a cycle of stupidity I suppose. Maybe some people get comforted by the predictability of life and how no matter what happens the world goes on, but to be honest these phrases are comforting because I realise I am no longer the biggest idiot.

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Are You…?

This one can come in many different varieties but that doesn’t make it any more quirky than the other examples of stating the obvious. In fact, it is the most annoying of them all so far. I’m talking about when you are about to open the door and you’ve got your dog on the leash and some person peaks around the door and goes “oh, are you going on a walk?”. First of all, who are you and how the fuck did you get into my house. And secondly, obviously. I’m not just standing in the hallway for the fun of it. It’s just so aggravating because the person who says this comes from nowhere and it just makes you wonder why they asked. Most of the time they don’t have a reason. Like they’ll make it so dramatic like “OH…” and you’re like for fuck sake what’s the problem. And then when you say “yeah” they’ll disappear with no explanation and you stand there in disbelief. Did you need something or…?

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Are You Asleep?

So I know this fits into the other category but to be honest it needs its own sub-heading. It’s the funniest and most disappointing in my opinion. Like are you really expecting an answer and if so what answer? At least ask if they are awake because then they can answer logically but I find it’s so awkward for both people in this situation. Like you can poke your head around and see they are obviously out for the count and you will genuinely ask “are you asleep?” as if you are expecting them to answer with “yeah, what do you need?”. And also if some asks you “are you asleep?” I don’t know why but I find it so awkward to be like “no…” like what the fuck.

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I also have a twin so obviously there are times when I’m sick of her shit so I’ll just try to act asleep, so obviously I don’t say anything and then she’ll go like “you literally aren’t asleep” and continue to laugh out loud and make me wake up so even if I was asleep I would then be awake. Like if you were going to accuse me of being awake either way then why the fuck would you bother asking in the first place. Luckily we no longer share the same room.

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Overall

I could do a whole range of other examples but you obviously don’t need to read all of them because, unless you are some literal foetus genius who can read this, I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t have anything useful or beneficial to say, just keep your mouth shut and save us both from an awkward situation. It just isn’t ok and while you may think it is helpful, it really isn’t.

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Resolution

Honestly, instead of stating the obvious people should just state a really random, unknown fact. That would be so fucking hilarious and would definitely distract you from whatever it was you were thinking about. Imagine you were just bummed out one day and someone came, sat beside you and said “If you point your car keys to your head, it increases the remote’s signal range.” Don’t you feel better already?

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So now that I sound like a debbie downer and a pessimistic piece of shit, I’m gonna leave it there are ask you all to kindly like and subscribe so I can keep making this type of content for you. I would also really appreciate if anyone could donate a little change which will really help to keep this blog going. I obviously can’t ask that of everyone, so I also ask if you would be able to leave some feedback which is sometimes even better. I really value everything you say and give, and that’s stating the obvious so sorry about that one lol. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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how to describe my blog detective evidence board blog featured image cover

How To Describe My Blog

Sometimes when I am writing a new post I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and wonder what the fuck I’m even talking about. What genre is this? I would say comedy but then again I don’t want to seem cocky and I don’t even know if people understand my humour. I would also… Continue Reading →

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I Don’t Get The Guinness Book Of World Records

Maybe it’s because I have no skills of my own but like I don’t understand the hype of the Guinness book of world records because the only thing it did was make me confused at why the drink my dad loves is making a book? Like… make it make sense. It’s kinda cool I guess… Continue Reading →

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Let’s Discuss It | Pronouns

Can people please just get over it and wise up because it just isn’t that hard bitch. Firstly I’d like to say that my pronouns are she/her and I’m straight so I can’t really speak of experience but I want to talk from the perspective of just an accepting human being which is literally the… Continue Reading →

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I Have No Concept of Time At All

This is no joke guys. I have run into many awkward encounters because I have lost all concept of time. You know, I would have thought this was normal if we were in the middle of our first lockdown, but that ship sailed ages ago and I am back to a strict schedule and yet I don’t know what fucking year it is. I suppose November has always been a weird transition month but the thing is, it isn’t only the time of day or the day of the week that I get mixed upon, it is quite literally my entire past and present memories that are all jumbled up. It’s like I had been carefully compiling all my memories in an orderly fashion but then my brain got fed up and just threw everything everywhere so now I have no clue what the fuck is going on. Let me tell you a few stories to help you understand.

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I like to call this story “The Pantomime”, and here is why. So it was my best friends birthday last month and I knew it was coming up. I have always been crap with birthdays but this time I was so proud of myself and I was so ready, I had it in my mind that her party was not very long before her birthday so I was prepared. Then a few days before the party we went bowling and there was a wee arcade bit. So OBVIOUSLY we had to go on the tiny car racing games. This one was actually tiny, not the normal big ones, so I was laughing at my friend like “I’m 16 and you are almost 17 and look what we are playing lol what is life” and she deadass went “I am 17”. If that was a real car I would have gone straight into a wall because I was not ready for that answer. I was just like “but your birthday’s on the 26th” and she was like “yeah, it’s the 30th” so here I am holding my worst friend of the year award while being completely mind boggled about what day it was. Like it was as if someone just said I was in 2050 or some shit because I suddenly had no concept of time. Oh, and I called it the pantomime because it was behind me. It is a shite name in hinsight but just accept it.

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Anyways, the next story I am going to call “age is just a number”. So I was playing football, or soccer for the americans, in PE, as one does. But I overheard my sister talking to one of our friends and they were just having a wee bit of banter as per usual. She is actually a year younger than us but still in our year because she moved over from England and there is just a whole thing that doesn’t matter, but yeah she is younger than us. And I heard my sister go like “damn must be embarrassing to look 13” and I was kinda tripped out like “you scared me a bit there because I swore she was 14” because at that point I was bad at stuff like birthdays and ages anyways so like I was just glad I didn’t think she was 13 in real life. But then my sister and her starting confused laughing and I’m like what? And they go on to say “she literally isn’t 14, she’s literally 15” and I was like “what! since when were you the same age as us that is so fucking mad” and they must not have heard me because then a day or so later I was kinda still thinking about it and then I was like “shit, I’m 16”. How dumb is that! Like I would work out her age by the fact she is one year younger than us and I genuinely believed I was 15 and my world just changed.

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Why is that though because I swear if I wasn’t really close with those people my friend’s would be dropping like flies. It really just is not ok. Maybe it’s because I had been thinking about these things so much and for so long that I never realised that it passed and I still had the feeling of it coming up even when it had come and gone. It could also just be classic ‘rona making every day mush into the same. I always seem to get that feeling at night when I am washing my face. Kinda like a coming of age movie where there is a clip of his morning routine played multiple times in increasing speeds to show how boring his life was in school. That basically is how I feel every night and it is quite depressing I have to admit but I guess it is what it is.

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I think we all get those times where it feels like a Friday but it’s really a Tuesday and your whole schedule gets messed up and you literally nearly miss everything you had to do because you barely remember that you must breathe at least once every 2 minutes or you will quite literally die. And that’s a fact. Is it bad that there have been times where I’ve been like “when was the last tme I took a breathe”. Like deadass not even breathing through my nose or anything. There is just no time for that silly business. I should probably work on that to be honest. But it has never really been a problem for me. Pre-covid I was organised and got all my homeworks done the day I got them (which is actually more deep than it sounds cause that really fucked me up lol). But now things just sneak up on me. I don’t even procrastinate that much either. Sure I’ll watch the odd extra tiktok but that is the maximum procrastination for me… I think. I’m not even busy or one of those people who are like active and social as fuck and are just like “I just don’t know where the time goes lol” and away they are for their midnight 10k run.

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This past year really has just gone so down hill in every single way and I actually can’t even be bothered trying to stop it. I’m just sitting back and watching the edge of the cliff get closer and closer. If it stops, it stops. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. And I live by that to be honest. As long as people know that I do genuinely care about their birthdays and making them feel special then hopefully they won’t think I’m that much of a bitch and we’ll be fine.

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My question is, how did they cope with this in the fucking dark-ages or whatever because they didn’t have bloody google calendar sending you a fuck load of notifactions about what you had on that day as though it was a ticking time bomb. You’d have to know by the direction of the fucking sun and that is no use in the UK. And I couldn’t tell myself to work events backwards in my mind to figure out what day it is because I literally can’t tell the difference between what I did yesterday, or the week before, to today. Am I literally going out of my mind or is this type of behaviour actually normal? Should I be calling a doctor lol? Here’s me calling just like “hey so like what the fucking is my problem” and they just like “you ust a shitty person” and I’m like “ah ok thanks”. Thank god for free healthcare am I right 😮

Anyways, that was just my wee update I suppose. Please like, follow, and comment down below what things have happened to in regards to your messed up sense of time, or are you a human calendar that is like “damn do you remember on the 16th January 2006 when we literally saw that one blade of grass…” and you just have you shit together? Comment below I guess. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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The Stupidity In An Educated Guess

I was in one of my weird patches the other day and I was scrolling through my social media (as is normal during a breakdown) and I saw some things that kinda maybe didn’t help me at all, but it got me thinking about how we can guess things with a pretty solid argument for… Continue Reading →

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Let’s Discuss It| Stating The Obvious

I’m not really an angry person if I’m gonna be honest and although this doesn’t really make me that angry, it gets me in that manic laughing phase which is kinda fucking scary. Like you know that point where you just look at someone who just said something to you and you don’t have any… Continue Reading →

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Jennifer Lawerence Is What?

Talk about a merry fucking Christmas because I just found out something that has blown me away. It has been released before Christmas but I am only getting around to talking about this now because I wanted to spread out the happiness across this December. So without further ado, let’s talk about what the fuck… Continue Reading →

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The Olympics: Awkwardness Unlocked

So I was just watching the opening ceremony or the Olympics and I’m sorry but like how awkward would that be. Especially for the people that work there and just wave as they walk down and have to act as though people are watching them but like really nobody is. And then the actual athletes are walking down having to look hype and they have just worked all of their lives to get to this very moment that they might never have again and are now walking through an empty stadium with a bunch of people who are more focused on fucking demolishing you than they are actually interested in you. I especially feel bad for the countries that literally have 2 people in their group and they are always pretty much socially distancing themselves from each other. I mean surely if you only had that person in your team you would be pretty close or at least tolerate each other.

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Don’t get me wrong, what they are doing is absolutely awesome and I would never be able to get to that point but I would be pretty pissed if nobody was watching or cheering me on because that would really boost the ego. I guess that is unless you literally suck at it and land on your face when running or something. Even though you know millions of people are watching at home, it would be less embarrassing than thousands of people seeing you knock yourself out by tripping over your bloody laces. I think that at some points I would get so used to having nobody physically there watching me and I would end up doing something really embarrassing like singing and dancing to myself in the mirror and then I look next to me and there is a camera man absolutely pissing himself knowing he is gonna get bank for this. I would also have to do a few wee office moments where like if I didn’t win I would do a cheeky wee unbothered Jim side eye. I would also get so distracted by them and I know that they will always be there even when corona is a thing, but like now they are the only other things in the room and my short attention span would actually make me forget where I was and then I’d get a volleyball to the head or some shit.

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I would also get embarrassed because you know when they are doing the national anthem and they are proper looking in the sky while the cameras are going along a line videoing them and they are always so emotional but like I probably would be singing the wrong words or like feel as though I need to look at the camera and I would turn into some sort of meme with the caption “that creepy kid in the restaurant that keeps staring at you”. That isn’t even a joke. Do you reckon that they actually have to practice the national anthem or they already know it because I only know the first section of mine and then from their I am either bored as shit or just moving my lips but not making a noise. They probably do though. I actually do think that I would be trying hard not to laugh because I’ll just remember that one woman that absolutely butchered the American anthem because, although it isn’t my country’s anthem, it is absolutely fucking hilarious.

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I have to say, she isn’t a bad singer, she obviously got some skills but like for fuck sake, where was the need. Like honestly love. I wonder if she watched this back and was like why the fuck? Was she on crack or did she just love a cheeky wee remix. And the players where near pissing themselves. They did pretty good though because I know i’d be dying in the background. I kind of want to make this my alarm in the morning so I can wake up with great vibes. They aren’t lacking you gotta admit. And then at the end she was like “let’s play some basketball!” as though she really did something. Miss ma’am, you just slam dunked that anthem into the pits of hell, this ain’t no masterpiece bitch.

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This post got a bit off topic I think, but I guess what I wanted to say was that I feel bad for the Olympians this year and I hope they have a great time and sleep well on their cardboard beds. I also hope they get another chance next time so they can have the whole experience. Apparently it’s in Paris next time so I might have to have a wee scoot over because it ain’t a long flight from where I live. Maybe I’ll have a cheeky croissant or have a hot girl summer with the french dudes. But no matter what, and I mean no matter what, I am not gonna do the fucking tourist picture shit with the Eiffel tower. Did you know somebody actually married the Eiffel tower?! NO JOKE.

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And on that note, I will see you tomorrow. Thanks for being patient with my posts guys because I been kind of a busy bitch lately with work and all that going on. It’s a hard not life for a working woman who also hates being around anything and anyone 🙂 So yeah I’ll hopefully talk tomorrow and please don’t forget to subscribe so that you don’t miss the next one because I know you are gonna want to read it. I don’t know what it is yet but I know it’s gonna be great. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Personal comedy blog post feature image for Christmas with vine girl who says merry Chrysler

Merry Chrysler!

Merry Christmas guys! I want to keep this post short and sweet because honestly who the fuck wants to read this on Christmas but if you are then I respect you and you a real one. But anyway lol I know this year has been kinda very shite but it’s nearly over and we made… Continue Reading →

Thank Goodness For Growing Up

I’m no Peter Pan, but I never want to grow up. Well, except for these reasons. Maybe it won’t be so bad after all.

Humans Haven’t Evolved For Shit

Humans haven’t evolved for shit, well not in the way I would like. I would warn all the Ross Gellers, or people who actually understand this topic, to beware because this may cost you a few brain cells, but I do want to add I am not a Karen and I do believe in evolution, this is a joke.

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