You know those situations that keep you up at night? Not the stuff that happened in the past, but the holes you have dug yourself that make your life a living hell. The moments that you wish you could wake up from. Yeah well, I am in one again and I’m terrified. I feel like it can so easily just collapse in on me and I will literally die. So that’s what I want to talk about today so I can at least get it off my chest and you guys will hopefully relate. I might also talk about the worst ones I have ever had to deal with because to be fair, my whole life is one big hole, but I know there are some extra ones lying around
Firstly, let’s talk about the one I am in at the moment. So, nearly every day I walk my dog in this nature park thing near my house and it’s good fun cause she can go off the leash and get a runaround. But she also tends to torture every living thing that is within 500 metres of her, so she makes a lot of human friends. But there is this one group of people who we see the most and they are so lovely and kind and they absolutely adore my dog. However, the first time we met them, they asked what my dog’s name was obviously and I said what it was (I am actually not going to say the real name just in case they somehow read this and literally realise what has been happening after all this time). The first time, they didn’t hear so I repeated it, then the second time they said the wrong name and I told them what it was again. The third time they tried to get her name right, I didn’t really hear what they said but it kinda sounded right and it was gonna be fucking awkward if I had to correct them again so I was just like ‘yep’ and then went on with my life. I never thought I would see them again but now I basically see them every time I walk around there and they call her the wrong name.
Why is this a bad thing? Surely it’s just a misunderstanding, right? NO! It is absolutely nerve-racking because that is the only good place to walk my dog that is near my house, so I always go there. They are also the loveliest people and absolutely love my dog so they would probably feel bad for calling her the wrong thing the whole time, or they would be kinda pissed at me and think I’m a brat. What also scares me is that my dog is an annoying bitch and she runs off, so obviously I have to call her back with her ACTUAL name, so I am scared that they are gonna hear this and then realise who it is I am calling and then be like what the actual fuck. I actually did that one time where I was talking with them and when I said bye I called my dog to come as well by calling her name and when I tell you my heart dropped, it was on the fucking floor. I don’t think they noticed though but it was a close one.
I also get so scared that someone in my family will take her on a walk there without me and then they will bump into those people and they will be calling her the wrong name and then my family will be like ‘umm that isn’t her name bitch’ and then when I see them next then they will think I’m some sort of idiot. Or maybe if someday they happen to look at her collar and because it will be right in front of me, they’ll just slowly look up and be like “is that your dog’s name?” and I’ll just be like ‘yeah, is that not what you’ve been calling her the whole time? I swear that’s what you call her’.
I’ll just have to be so slick with it if it comes to it. Genuinely I would make up some bullshit excuse like “I have a really bad hearing in one ear” or even something like “yeah well we kind of call her both names in our house because we could never settle on a name”. I actually had thought of saying that if worst came to the worst and I could just imagine me thinking I got away with it whereas they would be going home to plan the new walk they would take every day to avoid me. I’m really fucking scared though for the day that they find out because surely they will at some point and then they will probably bring it up every single time we see them again. At this point, I have known them for nearly a year and I would have to just move planets to get over it. Who’s for Mars?
So that’s the problem I’m in at the moment, but let’s take a wee glance back at some other awkward situations I’ve gotten myself into and have most likely contributed to my anxiety 🙂
The Family Tree
I have actually mentioned this one before I think but I’ll say it again for those who haven’t heard it yet. So one day I met my mum’s cousin and we were talking about life. I had kinda just gotten comfortable talking with her at that point and she then went to ask me what my teachers are like. I always get a kick out of slabbering about this one teacher who is really strict and kinda has a reputation of being really scary, so I was talking about her. Then afterwards she kinda looked at my mum and was like “is that THE teacher’s name?” and she was like “yeah” and I come to find out that the teacher I had just been slabbering about was her step-mum! I just died inside and was like “but she is really nice though and we all thinks she’s funny and different”. I suppose what I said wasn’t awful but I don’t know if she remembers what I said and now every time that I meet her I am so uncomfortable and can’t forget that moment. Like I am always panicking that she secretly resents me and will shout at me for it. LOL
This story literally isn’t even serious and it was short-lived but in that one hour, I was stuck in that situation I had pretty much 10 heart attacks. Picture this, it’s first year, you are hated by every teacher but at the moment you are with a particularly scary one. You sit down and you to get your books but SHIT you forgot them! You can’t tell the teacher because she’ll eat your head off but if she finds out some other way then she’ll to the exact same thing! So what do I do? I risk it for a biscuit. I spent the whole class sweating my ass off trying to cover the fact I had no books. Even when she was walking around the room I was on stealth mode with my arms huddled and my back hunched over to cover the table. I would try to act really interested but also not attract too much attention to myself and then the worst thing happened. She was walking around again and I had kinda thought I got away with it at that point but then she walks a bit past me and goes “I know you don’t have your books” in the most PETTY BOSS BITCH tone that there has every been. Basically I thought in was slick but in reality I was just a fucking weirdo. So to my demise, she gave me a bad ping which is something we do in our school if we are bad or some shit and if we get three then we get a detention. So obviously being the first year I was I literally hated the life I had led as though I was convicted of murder. Like it really isn’t that deep but I’ll never forget the trauma. The teacher always knows. But the funny thing was I thought I was so slick about it. Like whenever she said that o me I was like “yup” and acted like I was just tired and unbothered but fuck me I was near crying lol
Fake It ‘Til Ya Make It
I have had one relationship in my life and it lasted over 2 years. That seems like a pretty deep hole already but the other thing was I would try to be someone else just so he would like me. It would be acting like I loved superhero shit and Dr Who but like in reality I could not give a fuck for the life of me. But yeah so that meant a lot of convos where he was like “between someone and someone who do you think would win?” And I would be here putting on the show of my life like “hmmm well that’s quite a tough one because it depends on a lot of things. On one hand superman is indeed super but then again Thor does have quite a large hammer” and just make up basic shit until he was like nah it is defo this person. Then I would agree and carry on shitting myself because I don’t know half the people he was on about.
I kinda guess that was unfair for the both of us but I was so scared that he would leave me despite the fact the relationship should have ended way earlier because it really was quite emotionally shite. But anyways I always acted like I loved what he loved and I actually watched Dr Who for a while even though I really did not like it but I wanted to be able to talk about something with him. If he were to read this and realize it was me I would literally have to admit that I had no clue what the fuck he was talking about the whole time. That’s dedication though but also do not recommend at all. I would literally stay up at night trying to remember who was in Marcel and who was in the avengers and I would feel so scared that I would expose myself by mixing them up. It’s sounds so fucking stupid now that I say it but like it was a real fear of mine. I swear I lost all sense of self when I was with him but it is what it is I suppose. That hole was pretty deep because we were friends for literally our whole life and if I were to turn around and be like “hey literally I hate everything we talk about” then he would think I was such a fake bitch which would be accurate but I would prefer he didn’t know that. Highly recommend just being yourself and not changing for nobody
Lol I really just exposed myself there but even if he did read that he probably wouldn’t realize it was me because he never bothered to listen to shit that I said anyways lol. Yes that was an attack. But yeah I’m going to leave it here with one final question. What holes have you dug yourself into? Are you still in them because I could help give you some advice on how to get out. But don’t get me involved in some grave digging crime shit ok! 😦 Anyways, don’t forget to like and subscribe for more content like this and read my other posts that are down below. That was the most cringey youtube shit I have ever said. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.
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