Let’s Discuss It | New Borns

Whenever you grow up and someone says they have a “face only a mother could love”, that person is, one, a bitch, but two, speaking facts because, after the first time she sees her new-born baby, there is no way it can get any worse, so no matter what they look like when they grow up they will look better than when they were born. And that is what I wanted to talk about today because I feel like it really just has been ignored. Yeah, we could focus on the miracle of life, but I’m done with that shit, it’s time to talk about the truth. Why the hell do people think babies who have just departed from the womb are cuties? No! Stop. Just… stop.

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Maybe its because I’m not a mum and that would make sense but I’ve seen enough youtube vlogger families who show way to much of their life to know that, and I’m sorry to all the babies out there, that they are absolutely mingin’. I know they just came out from inside of you (trust me you can tell) but why they gotta look like that. Then they gotta shove it in the mum’s face as though she hasn’t been through enough already. Leave her alone! For me, I would want to see my baby after they had a full-blown bath and was all clean and shit because, preferably, I don’t want my baby to smell like my literal uterus when I see them first. Just me?

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But I do have to admit I find it ridiculous in movies where they don’t have the baby looking like it just came back from the war because it’s just more accurate. Some movies are just crazy because they make babies look like they come out of you with a hat, a blanket, and fucking diploma. Even though it may not look the nicest on the screen, you gotta be accurate because if that was all we knew then some parents would be pretty fucking scared when they have their first kid. How do movies make babies look like new-borns, maybe some are fake but then the need to b crying so they’ll probs need a real baby or do they literally cover it in fake blood with some extra shit on it? That’s gonna keep me up at night.

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It’s so funny though whenever she has just popped a baby out and then the person with them is like “He has your eyes”. Hands down the most offensive thing because I can barely tell his ass from his face right now. I’d just start crying and going “why would you even say that to me *sniff* who the fuck even gave me this baby, it’s sticky”. Maybe my reactions are a bit dramatised but it just shocks me how weird they look yet the parent’s always think it is the cutest thing in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I bet that when I have kids I’ll completely disagree with everything that I just said in this post, but for the record I just want say that babies look freaking weird.

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You gotta give it to me, they do look like potatoes… slimey potatoes… bloody slimey potatoes. I’m sure they’ll look cute after a wash but only then. It can be motiving to you as well because when you look at yourself in the mirror you can say to yourself with no word of a lie that your looks have improved. Take that as you will I suppose because maybe your thinking I’m just one big piece of shit who is a baby hater, but I’m not. I just don’t think we should lie any longer by saying that every day-old or two day-old baby is cute. They will be, so call me back after a few days, but for now I’ll keep my distance.

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You know what, I bet you that after the trauma of child birth anything would look good. Like at that point nothing could be worse than what you just went through so your baby probably looks like Jesus or something so I guess that’s fun. I guess I’ll have to find out but if it’s alright with you I’m gonna wait another while because I gotta find me cute first because if you can’t love yourself, then how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Don’t forget to like, comment what you think, and follow for more content like this. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Have You Amber Heard About This?

It comes as no shock that there is currently a trial between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Just to clear things up, Amber Heard is an actor… mostly. But for real I have never seen or heard of her ever before. I’m pretty sure Johnny said she was on Aquaman or something. All you need… Continue Reading →

My Life Is an Unsuccessful Netflix Show

I don’t know what to call this feeling, but you know when you get a sudden realisation that this is in fact real life. Like you aren’t gonna start into a new season or a new episode of a show. You are just gonna start the next day with the same problems, the same things… Continue Reading →

I’m OK With Following The Crowd Right Now

I don’t know if this is the social anxiety coming out of me right now but like for real I just let others decide who I am for real. Like it’s not that I’m fake, I’m just moldable? That sounds weird as fuck but like I will change my personality to suit the person I’m… Continue Reading →

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After 7 Years I’m Not Sure My Pet Is A Dog

I know what you are thinking, “what the fuck does your dog look like”. But it isn’t because of that. She is literally the cutest thing you will ever see, well… apart from at the moment because she just got a haircut that made her hella ugly, but it’s fine it’ll grow back. The thing is that she literally has the personality of everything BUT a dog. Like she is just so confusing in terms of literally every part of her and we love it and wouldn’t change her for the world but I also kinda feel like we picked up the wrong pet. I don’t know what happened but this bitch does not match the product description. I’ll keep her but like what? Anyways, I am sure you are all very confused by what I am talking about so I’m just gonna get into it. Don’t forget to comment down below what you think is wrong with my ‘dog’ or if your dog is just as weird.

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Cow

I ain’t tryna be rude or anything but this bitch is just a small cow. I’ll let her outside and one second later she’ll be tearing up the grass like it’s a fucking dance floor. It’s scary to be honest because she is so tiny but the amount of energy and movement and creepy noises that she lets out is honestly demonic, which funnily enough is one of her other personalities I’m going to mention later. It does be kinda funny though because my dad gets so pissed. He’ll have just perfectly cut every blade of grass separately so they are the exact same height and this hoe will fly out and eat that shit like popcorn, so before you know it there are just patches in our garden and in the corner there is just this tiny dog with green grass stains on her beard (she is a miniature schnauzer btw).

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It is quite the sight I must admit and I suppose it’s a talent. Like no joke I think she has worked out that it can help her to stop and turn whenever she is going really fast. No joke she will run like a mad thing and then if she wants to pull a wee sneaky turn, she’ll munch the grass so that her body will swing around and she can turn without having to stop or slow down. It’s so funny and I can’t even describe it which frustrates me, but just imagine this dog is running at full speed and just full-on head buts the ground and goes spinning into a completely different direction and then just runs into the night. It is honestly confusing. She seems to like it too. Sometimes if we are just standing around and she gets a bit bored she will deadass just sit on the grass and nibble on it like it’s a fucking chicken wing.

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Deer

To be fair, this part of her is so cute and actually makes me die inside with the amount of joy I feel. So anyway, there used to be this field near our house that we called ‘the long grass field’ (wow how original, how thought-provoking) and we loved to go there because my dog would just run around and would have to leap everywhere just so she could see where she was going. Literally, sometimes we would be like “oh shit where did she go” and then we would have to wait until she leapt up again. And let me tell you, that bitch can jump. Not just like on her back legs but she does it straight from standing so she is just like a fucking deer that is prancing around and shit. It’s so funny because you can just tell she is an absolutely loving life. I wonder what that feels like :/

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Cat

Not only do I see her in this way as she is a scaredy-cat, but also because she can be such a bitch sometimes. She can give one hell of a side-eye and make you get flashbacks from high school when these bitches would be slabbering (which I suppose is my present lol) but it is literally so funny because you could just be sitting there and you would breathe weirdly and you can just feel the judgement radiating off her. Like what the fuck did I do to you? The level of disrespect is astronomical. She just sits there and judges you as if she didn’t just literally lick her ass in the middle of the living room. She has got some nerve.

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She is also slinky as fuck at some points. Usually whenever she is lying down and comfy, or like she’s just in a mood where she can’t be arsed to do anything. So you just try to pick her up and she won’t try to stop you but she won’t try to help you either. Like you know when you try to pick up a cat and it just seems like they are just stretching because you can lift up their belly as much as you want but they are still gonna have 4 paws on the ground. You could be flinging that bitch around but no matter what they still gonna be standing. Well, that is basically my dog and, to be honest, it’s a vibe.

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Statue

This pretty much just goes against everything I said in my last post, but as we are establishing in this post, she can shapeshift real quick. One moment she is a liquid, the next she’s a bloody ancient statue. It is so weird though because for such a small dog she has so much strength. Like I just know she got some abs or some shit. I swear I’ll come downstairs someday and she’ll be on the weights and singing “it’s about drive it’s about power, we stay hungry we devour. Put in the work, put in the hours and take what’s ours”. Literally no joke.

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Honestly, I think the perfect way to describe my dog is oobleck. Like I just realised that and honestly, it is the only way to fully understand what she is like. If you are just tryna pick her up gently, she’ll just turn to liquid, but if you fucking PUNCH HER IN THE FA… Nah, I’m just joking lol. But if you are walking her on the leash and she just stops, you better know that you’ll be wiped out like a cillet bang commercial “bang and the dirt is gone”. Genuinely it confuses me because she will not move at all. I get scared that someday she will genuinely break her neck because I never really walk that fast but the level of force she gives off when she just stops out of nowhere could literally break the leash.

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She also gets like that when you put a coat on her or literally any sort of clothing that isn’t her collar. That kinda is sad though because she would look hella cute if she wore a Halloween costume or a little raincoat. Like it is just too adorable, but then when you do she’ll do the side-eye glare and literally stand in that one spot until you take it off her. No joke, one time I put her towel over her and then left the room and then my mum said when she came down an hour or so after, she was still standing in the same spot with the towel over her. That’s stubborn as fuck but I respect that.

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Person

I don’t really know how to explain this very well because it is more of an energy that she gives off. Like you just look at her and how she moves and interacts and she is just a human. She likes to sit up with us at the dinner table (although my dad will never allow her cheeky fuck) and although this is basic for all dogs, when you say her name and start talking to her she will keep looking at you as though she is understanding what we say. Don’t get me wrong there is literally nothing going on behind those eyes, but it’s the thought that counts I guess.

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She also loves to be around people and I know that is just a basic thing for dogs, but it isn’t always for the attention. Don’t get me wrong she is a bit of an attention seeker but after a while, she will just sit down somewhere, usually on the armchair, and just be another person who is listening to all the convos going on. To be honest, though all these examples are a bit of a stretch, but I can’t really think of a way to show you what I mean. She just has so much emotion that you are kinda like “you were a whole ass human in another life”. If she barks and you ignore her, you better know damn well that she’ll jump up next to you and full-on smack you in the face. That isn’t even a joke though. Like it is good that I wear glasses because that bitch comes out of nowhere and just fly kicks you in the face. It’s cute though I guess.

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Demon

Kind of adding onto the last thing I said, she can be rude as fuck. She will get what she wants and she will do whatever it takes to get it. It is cute at the start but then you are just like “would you literally stop hitting me with your sharp ass nails bitch”. She also gives demon vibes whenever she gets really energetic and gets the zoomies or whatever the fuck that is called. You know when they just go mental and run around everywhere and bark at nothing? Yeah well, that’s it. But you can see it build up. She kinda leans back and goes really close to the floor and her ears are literally plastered t the back of her head. Then her eyes got really wide and her mouth slowly opens and then she just goes ballistic.

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It’s so funny though because I’ll be walking and then all of a sudden this happens and she is basically spinning around as though she’s about to fucking take off. And sometimes she just can’t stop herself because she is so fast and then literally runs right into a wall or a fence and she’ll get humbled real quick. I just laugh, to be honest, but then she gets started again. And it’s embarrassing when people walk by and you’re trying to convince them that you aren’t stealing this dog and they are in fact a good girl. She is a cutie though and she would never hurt a fly, or rather she could never hurt a fly. That bitch small as fuck.

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Elephant

I compare my dog to an elephant not only because she has massive ears and is literally so cute, but also because her nose is fucking powerful. Not even joking, there was this one time that I went to pick her up from her wee doggy daycare thing and when I got there I knocked and was waiting for someone to answer and I heard something really weird. I genuinely got scared for a moment because I thought there was a hurricane or some shit starting up. Genuinely it went on for like a minute and my heart was beating but then it stopped and I looked in the door and it was my fucking dog. She deadass was sniffing the hell out of the door. I nearly started pissing myself because I had never heard anything like it. She was tryna smell if it was me but she nearly sucked me in at the strength she was sniffing at. You look at her and think she is the most harmless thing ever but the things that come out of that wee body is frightening.

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Soap

This one is completely different to all the other things but if I’m gonna be honest with you, this is hands down the most accurate. Tell me why Miss girl turns into fucking Bambi whenever she walks on anything that isn’t carpet? Like that isn’t a joke. It’s as though bloody Frozone swooped in just when she goes to walk. And she genuinely is scared though and it’s so stupid because she will put herself into an awkward situation. She will deadass jump out of her bed and walk into the kitchen, which has tiled floors, then the next second she’s barking like she’s got a problem with us. But tell me why she can waddle into the kitchen just fine, but when it’s time to head back, she ain’t never walked before. Like, make it make sense bitch!

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I do have to admit that when she walks she can literally wipe herself onto the ground. I have expected a referee to come out and confirm a knockout because she hits the floor like a brick. Other times she just runs like a cartoon where she is moving her legs so fast but doesn’t get anywhere. It’s so funny because you can see she is trying to be so careful but then all of a sudden she just blasts off but literally doesn’t go anywhere for a solid 5 seconds. It is so funny. But do you want to hear her solution? Walking backwards. That isn’t even a joke. Hands down that are what she does. She will turn her ass around and back it up like a fucking truck. But it works so I guess that’s fair enough.

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Anyways, I kinda feel bad about slabbering about my dog for a hot minute but it’s all the truth, to be honest. Maybe that’s why she glares at me… oh well. Please comment down below if your dog does any of these things and if you are a professional please tell me what the hell is up with her. Whether or not she is a dog I don’t care because she is still the cutest thing you’ll ever see and I’d fight you on it. Don’t forget to like and subscribe for more. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Kitchen or war the womens crossword animated modern sleek blog cover photo

Kitchen or War | The Women’s Crossroad

Please let me tell you that I am in fact a girl! I am not some man that is about to start slabbering about how women are supposed to make everyone a fucking sandwich and look after their kids while the man is at war. I also want to say that this is light-hearted and… Continue Reading →

a roaring 20's themed war 2020 memorial image with memories and news of recent

The Raging 20’s, Is It an Inevitable Disaster?

I’m sorry, but between my last post and this one, we have literally gone through a war. That’s not even a joke sadly enough. Corona is kinda fading away (except the Queen has joined the Corona Club) but then we gotta keep the drama alive so we start into world war 3! Sounds like a… Continue Reading →

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