Have You Amber Heard About This?

It comes as no shock that there is currently a trial between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Just to clear things up, Amber Heard is an actor… mostly. But for real I have never seen or heard of her ever before. I’m pretty sure Johnny said she was on Aquaman or something. All you need to know is that she is quite literally an extreme narcissist and complete nuts. Oh, and her lawyers have just graduated from clown school or the equivalent. Now, I’m just gonna run into this now because I got a lot to say and I’m just gonna ramble on so try to keep up, OK?

Let’s start with the basics. What is the case about? It’s a defamation case which basically means that Johnny Depp is suing Amber for ruining his image which in turn ruins his career because he is obviously a public figure. How did he ruin his image? Well, she posted (or didn’t… she can’t quite remember what her script said) an op-ed basically outing Johnny Depp as abusive. She has evidence to prove this… kind of, but she also forgot to mention that she too is physically abusive. And it doesn’t really take a fucking genius to realize that. So now it’s turned into a whole thing about who was the most abusive, who should be punished, who didn’t clean the carpet blah blah blah.

It’s quite hilarious though and I recommend you try to watch it. Skip to the part where she is on the stand though because then you’ll understand me when I say there is no way she could possibly have been a paid actor. Even I could do a better job and I was one step above being a rock in my primary school play. But you’ll never guess the drama! This actually nearly brought a tear to my eye… sorry, I meant it nearly made me tear my eyes out. Basically what happened was her dog stepped on a bee. Obviously, this is vital to her case… somehow, and was very emotional for her. At least that’s what I think her facial expression was supposed to show. I couldn’t really tell because I was trying to remember her point (there was none)

amber heard dog stepped on a bee face comedy meme

For real this is what her face looked like when she talked about her dog stepping on a bee. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a mess when it comes to dogs getting hurt, but like can we get to the fucking point, or remind me what the point is?! Please.

Hats off for the confidence I guess. She is very committed to the role. I mean they literally had a recording of her confessing to it and she sat there and denied it. Dead ass starred them in the eye and spoke literal shit. But we love Camille and she sees right through that shit. She just stand there looking all fed up with this shit and be like “Miss He- Miss- MISS HEARD… that wasn’t my question” and then goes back into game mode.

A reoccurring theme with Amber’s stories is that they don’t really… make any sense. One of the ones that made me crack up was the one where she said something along the lines of “he put his hand into a fist, raised it up, pulled it back *dramatic sigh* and HEAD-BUTTED me”. I’m sorry but that really did not make any sense.

Something that has really started to bug literally the entire population is the fact that whenever she answers a question she whips her head over to the jury like they are her moral support and answers to them. It kinda gives me the vibes of when you go to the doctor with your mum and the doctor asks you a question but you look at your mum to answer instead. That is quite literally it. And I don’t know if she got neck problems or what but she gotta get that checked out soon. I’m surprised Camille hasn’t called her out and been like “Can you look at me when you are answering me bitch”. That would have been me for real.

Also, she is such a poser. This is indisputable as well, even Amber Heard’s lawyers could win my case. She got a tissue to wipe her nose and she went to put it down but then saw a camera man pointed in her direction so she put it back up to her nose froze for a second until it flashed and then went on. It’s like ma’am this is on live broadcast and we can see past your bullshit

I’m gonna have to admit something and don’t be angry about it because you know it’s true, but I don’t think either of them were perfect partners. I don’t think he did what Amber said he did, I don’t think he was physically abusive, but they definitely just weren’t good for each other. Don’t twist my words OK because I’m as Team JD as I am a human, but he isn’t an angel.

I don’t want to drag this on for too long tbh because I’m gonna leave you a link to the actual trial video yourself but I’ll leave you with one last thing that made me actually die. Funny enough it was when they were leaving the court for the day and Amber was getting off the stand and as she got off, Johnny started to walk out too. Let me tell you, this how jumped back like it was extreme hopscotch. For real she acted as though JD was about to pounce. But he just needed to get to the door. What was also funny was that the police woman who was there reacted like that pick me girl in school who would go in between the two fighting and spread her arms out like “Guys stawp it this isn’t you! Don’t do this pleeasssee”. I guess it’s her job but I thought it was quite hilarious

Anyways, I love to talk about this shit because it’s so messed up but like also I feel bad for the guy. Do leave a wee comment though on what you think because I need to make sure all my subscribers are on my side. I’m trying to post more often now as well so scroll down to the suscribe section below so you can get notified every time I post because trust me you don’t want to miss it. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT


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My Life Is an Unsuccessful Netflix Show

I don’t know what to call this feeling, but you know when you get a sudden realisation that this is in fact real life. Like you aren’t gonna start into a new season or a new episode of a show. You are just gonna start the next day with the same problems, the same things to think about, the same responsibilities blah blah blah.

It happened to me just the other day because I recently got a new job and the first two shifts have been great but then one morning when I was getting changed I saw the uniform and was like shit, I really gotta do this for a while now. It’s weird though because it isn’t like I hate the job, I mean, I literally only started it, but I just realised that I need to continue working. It felt like that had been an episode of my life and that I would move on from it and it would just not be mentioned anymore. But no, I have the future to “look forward” to.

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That sounds mad depressing but like it’s just kinda weird for real. It’s almost as though I have become too “in the moment” that I forget there is anything outside of that moment. Now I’m not great for words so tell me if this makes any sense whatsoever, but I feel a bit unreal if you get me. Not as if I am a ghost looking down at myself, or as somebody watching a TV show of me, but like a VR headset. I know I’m in my body but then I realise that this is fucking life and that my actions have consequences.

Listen, I’m not doing anything bad if that’s what you are thinking. I’m not some sort of murderer who is now online like “whoops so I made a mistake”. It’s just like, for example, I signed up for a job, I got the job, and now I still gotta do it. Like it isn’t an achievement or level that I’ve unlocked or passed. This is quite literally real life.

When I say my life is like a TV show, it isn’t that I have a bunch of interesting stuff going on or any big plot twists. I’m quite literally the most basic bitch you’ll find. I’m mentally fucked, I’m blonde, blue eyes, not really pretty but not really ugly, chatty but also can’t start a conversation, that kind of situation your know.

Oh shit… I’m that one “main character”, not like the other girls, pick me bitch. Wow, I hate that but I swear I’m not trying to make myself sound like that. Wow… I instantly despise everything I say.

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Anyways, I think what I tried to get across was that I don’t think my life is a series because it’s exciting or thrilling. I mean I’m no Kardashian (great show btw highly recommend and I’m not ashamed to say it). It’s just that I forget that this is real life.

That was a hectic wee post I guess. A little bit of a brain dump to be honest. I have been quite busy lately with all this bloody A level exams and shit. I’m really not even sure if this post made any sense but I’m hoping somebody understands me or can direct me to the closest psych ward? Lol, anyway, I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.


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The Story Of The Phrase That Changed My Life

Let me set the scene for you real quick. It’s 4.30am. You’re at the airport. You’re at the back of a long line for a service that hasn’t even opened yet. An hour ago you were asleep or at least just woken up by your alarm so you kinda feel like you’re in some sort… Continue Reading →

19 Reasons Why | The USA Have To Listen

I know a lot of my posts are usually just for the shits and giggles and I try to make light of situations going on because that’s how I express my thoughts, but there is no way this could ever be flipped into some sort of joke. There is not one thing about this that… Continue Reading →

Have You Amber Heard About This?

It comes as no shock that there is currently a trial between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Just to clear things up, Amber Heard is an actor… mostly. But for real I have never seen or heard of her ever before. I’m pretty sure Johnny said she was on Aquaman or something. All you need… Continue Reading →

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I’m OK With Following The Crowd Right Now

I don’t know if this is the social anxiety coming out of me right now but like for real I just let others decide who I am for real. Like it’s not that I’m fake, I’m just moldable? That sounds weird as fuck but like I will change my personality to suit the person I’m with. Tbh I think we all do that a little, but then people are always on social media like “be yourself” and “don’t follow the crowd” but honestly I’m kinda thinking that if there’s a crowd it must be something good.

I’m no motivational speaker, I mean I literally don’t have an ounce of motivation in me *manic smile* but like I don’t get if I’m basic. It’s just so much easier because life is stressful enough having to figure out literally every fucking thing about the entire universe… or at least that’s how in feel. I was also kinda destined to be a basic bitch because I’m blonde so it have no other choice really. Literally if you were to get the essence of what basic is, it would be me. A blonde bitch who likes Starbucks iced lattes. I’m not even ashamed about the Starbucks though. It is popular for a reason.

Basic clothes are kinda fun though… or maybe not fun but like easy. I can put on a fucking hoodie and leggings and call it a day. And it’s also comfy as hell. Sure I care about how people look at me and I do think that they think I’m such a boring and ugly bitch, but if I were to wear something a bit “different” those thoughts would be even worse.

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Do you know what? I’m a saver. If there is a fear of spending money, it’s me for real. I don’t know what it is, but it works because basic clothes are usually less expensive than trendy ones. Call me weird or… cheap, but things look better when they’re an absolute bargain. You know imma go around to everyone saying “Guess how much my socks cost?!” Or some shit like that. Don’t get me wrong if someone were to gift me a fancy wee top or something nice, I wouldn’t turn it away. Call me bloody bargain hunter, I don’t care because imma be the one who just saved 25% on a top 😏

I think the point I was wanting to get at here is that I think people have too much pressure to be someone different and to find who they are as quick as possible so they can stand out and while I think that’s all good and you definitely should be yourself, I don’t think there should be such an urgency. I always hear people my age being like “I barely know who I am!” Not in a mentally ill, kinda ‘I should find you help’ kinda way but like they don’t know what to do in the future and they feel like they should but bitch take a breathe and realize that we’ve got fucking time. For real though. Maybe you didn’t choose the right uni course for what you want to do or maybe you are near retirement and your like “I wish I did this instead” then you can still go and do it.

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Sometimes it’s easier to go with the flow and let people decide some things for you. I know at the moment I prefer not to stand out too much and kinda see where things take me because I have no clue what else to do. How am I supposed to navigate my way through life without any guidance from others. I kinda just hope that eventually the flow will go through something that I find interesting or more like me. I never thought being myself would be so difficult and life is difficult enough already so imma be basic for a second and you can do whatever it is you want.

Think of it as being neutral. I’m not going into anything with a set opinion or expectation, so I’ll just see what I come out with. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT

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My Life Is an Unsuccessful Netflix Show

I don’t know what to call this feeling, but you know when you get a sudden realisation that this is in fact real life. Like you aren’t gonna start into a new season or a new episode of a show. You are just gonna start the next day with the same problems, the same things… Continue Reading →

Kitchen or war the womens crossword animated modern sleek blog cover photo

Kitchen or War | The Women’s Crossroad

Please let me tell you that I am in fact a girl! I am not some man that is about to start slabbering about how women are supposed to make everyone a fucking sandwich and look after their kids while the man is at war. I also want to say that this is light-hearted and… Continue Reading →

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The Woman In The House Across The Road… | I’ve Watched It, But Should You?

I’ve been off this blog for a while now so I thought I’d keep you updated on what I’ve been doing. Fuck all, to be honest, but one of the things that have wasted my time was watching Netflix, or more specifically, that one with the fucking long name called “the woman in the house across the road from the girl in the window”. Don’t try to ask me if that is right or how I remembered that but that’s literally its name.

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I’m gonna start off with why I wanted to watch it? I wasn’t going to honestly but then my sister and friends all came in one day and all asked the same question “what the fuck?!” And I get that now, but at the time I was confused. They had literally only watched the first episode as well so I was like what could be so weird about this show? Some of the things they mentioned were a cannibal, a crazy lady and fear of the rain. I understand those now but at the time I didn’t know how those could all link together into a good TV show.

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Content
Preview
Newbies
Experts
Conclusion

I’m not going to lie, knowing the purpose of the movie now makes the show really good and hilarious (not the whole person eating a person bit but you get what I mean), but if you were to watch this expecting a great show with the one and only Kristen Bell, you would be pretty disappointed. So for those who haven’t watched it, go down to the “Newbies” heading below and I’ll not spoil anything for you, but if you’ve started watching it and have come here just to verify a few details, go down to the “Experts” section (But I am in no way an expert other than the fact I have watched the first few episodes). But first for a quick preview of what the show is about

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Preview

“A heartbroken woman named Anna (Kristen Bell) is unsure of whether or not she witnessed a murder. She mixes alcohol with medications prescribed by her therapist, has frequent hallucinations, and suffers from a crippling fear of the rain (ombrophobia). Anna is ostracized by members of her community, including her new neighbours, and labelled “crazy” by the police. Regardless of whether or not she saw a murder take place, Anna takes it upon herself to find the truth.”

Description from wiki

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Newbies

At the end of this section, I’m gonna answer the question of whether or not you should watch it, but obviously, not everyone has the same taste in shows so I’ll give you my opinion so you can work it out for yourself. Or, of course, you could literally watch it yourself, but if you don’t wanna waste your time then keep reading.

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You may have heard a few rumours such as it’s crap, or it’s a joke. I’ll tell you that it is a joke, quite literally. In other words, we aren’t laughing at it we are laughing with it. Basically, it is making fun of all the stupid stuff in crime movies and just movies in general. Like the main character is literally some divorced woman with a dead kid (no it isn’t a spoiler) and it’s hilarious some of the things she realises along with the narration of what she is thinking. You know how so many movies have the one relationship where it is just so cringy and it’s usually between the depressed neighbour and the single dad that moves in across the street? That is one thing that happens but they make it so funny.

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If you didn’t know that this whole show was a joke you would literally despise it. You would literally chuck your phone out the window and wash your eyes out with soap, but knowing that this is just mocking every single basic show, it is so much better.

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Like, the way that the child dies is just so ridiculous and maybe they dramatize a few things for dramatic effect, but it still works. Kristen Bell’s acting is literally top-notch. I think it’s kinda like how she acted in “The Good Place” but also not like that at all. It must have been so fun to make because it’s kinda crappy-good acting. There seems like little skill yet so much skill at the same time.

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So basically, my answer to whether or not you should watch it is yes because it has a good plot but is also light-hearted and easy to follow. As long as you go into it knowing that it is a comedy and making fun of other movies then you will really enjoy it. Also, it may be worth adding that I have a very sarcastic, dark sense of humour so if you usually don’t get that type of stuff it may not be for you

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Experts

If you are reading this I really hope you have watched the show or that you just love a good spoiler because I’m about to spill all the tea. Tbh I’ve not finished it but like from what I have seen I have a lot to say. But at the end I am going to tell you whether or not I think you should continue watching it, if you haven’t finished it, or if you have finished it, then this is just a little bit of fun and maybe you’ll watch it over again with a different perspective.

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Let’s start with the fact that this is for sure a comedy and is for sure making fun of everything. It is basically as if every cringy part of a murder mystery was taken and put into 8 episodes. Luckily I started watching this with the knowledge that it is basically mocking other shows, and I’m glad I knew this because otherwise, I wouldn’t have watched as far as I have. My favourite part is just how ridiculous they make it, yet it works so well. For example, in the last episode I watched, Anna had just followed the English guy because she saw him carrying a heavy bag into the car and when she found him she asked to look in the bag and it was a fucking ventriloquist doll because he had to find a new hobby after his wife died. How fucking hilarious is that! Literally cackling by the end. And he is here like “I needed to do it for my daughter… Just, please… don’t tell anyone”. But it really does be like that in the movies. They’ll have a dirty little secret that they don’t want the world to find out about.

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I think Kristen Bell’s acting is amazing as well because she makes it look like bad acting yet it takes such good acting to achieve that and it must have been so hard to not absolutely pee yourself every 10 seconds. Like whenever she tried to bring a literal casserole to her neighbour but it started raining and she literally passed out in the street. Or when she was with the dead wife’s sister and the sister was so sad and mysterious. I don’t even know how to describe it in words but you’ve seen it so you’ll know. She is basically that basic bitch character who seems like she has finally got her life back together after a big trauma, but she collapses every time she hears her sister’s name.

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I have to admit that at the start of watching it I was kind of doubting whether or not this was actually a joke but then the one thing that kinda made it certain that it was a joke was the part when she was like…

“To get to the bottom of something, sometimes you have to remind yourself that if you don’t risk anything, you risk everything. And the biggest risk you can take is to risk nothing. And if you risk nothing, what you’re really doing is risking not getting to the bottom of something. And if you don’t get to the bottom of something, you risk everything.”

— AnnaThe Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the WindowSeason 1Episode 3
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I just find things like that so funny and you may say I have a broken sense of humour, but you would be right… yeah. I have a sarcastic, very particular sense of humour so this was a great show for me, so definitely keep watching and remember that it is literally a joke. It isn’t supposed to be a serious thing or something like that, so remember that if you are not sure if you should bother.

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But yeah I definitely recommend this show and you could even watch this show over your Easter holiday unless you are like me and have fucking revision to complete, then you can watch it instead of your revision as a bit of a laugh. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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I’m OK With Following The Crowd Right Now

I don’t know if this is the social anxiety coming out of me right now but like for real I just let others decide who I am for real. Like it’s not that I’m fake, I’m just moldable? That sounds weird as fuck but like I will change my personality to suit the person I’m… Continue Reading →

a roaring 20's themed war 2020 memorial image with memories and news of recent

The Raging 20’s, Is It an Inevitable Disaster?

I’m sorry, but between my last post and this one, we have literally gone through a war. That’s not even a joke sadly enough. Corona is kinda fading away (except the Queen has joined the Corona Club) but then we gotta keep the drama alive so we start into world war 3! Sounds like a… Continue Reading →

Is Texting A Ticking Time Bomb?

From the perspective of a 16-year-old girl, I would have to say yes, texts are a ticking time bomb. Call me old fashioned, but honestly, I don’t trust that shit. They are so unpredictable. Now I could lie to you and say that is the reason I don’t text people much, but the plain truth… Continue Reading →

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Kitchen or War | The Women’s Crossroad

Please let me tell you that I am in fact a girl! I am not some man that is about to start slabbering about how women are supposed to make everyone a fucking sandwich and look after their kids while the man is at war. I also want to say that this is light-hearted and I don’t want any army person coming to my house and literally kidnapping me into fucking Ukraine or some shit. Like for real I don’t think you’ll be wanting me near there because I’m fucking terrified of spiders and I just know that there is some type of spider living in those crusty tanks. Like… I’m sorry no.

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Anyways, now I’ve got that cleared up, let’s talk about this shit. So as you probably know, women and kids are getting sent out of either Russia or Ukraine (I can’t fully remember) and the men are told to stay because of going to war and all that. So I know that there are a few feminists out there who are absolutely raging, and I want to address that. What I am about to say might erase all of what we women have fought for, but I think we gotta take a step back and think this through for a second.

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I’m gonna be honest with you, I’m perfectly fine making a casserole for dinner or dusting the shelves, for real. I’m not sure if there was a little bit of miscommunication, but when we said we wanted equal rights, we didn’t mean equal fights. Like, I feel you guys have got this covered with all your fucking ps5 games or whatever it is you do. I may be legally American, but I don’t want to hold a gun. And not to bring stereotypes into this, but I’m a blonde so I could completely foil an attack by accidentally detonating a bomb. So it would be best if I kinda stayed out of this.

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On the other hand, though, I wouldn’t mind a wee bit of risk in my life. I think it would be kinda cool and that may sound insensitive because I don’t know what it is really like and I know it is actually traumatizing, but I would feel like such a boss bitch. It would be more rewarding than cooking a potato tbh. I hate cooking as well. I also have nothing to lose so I’d go all in. I would just be the sacrificial lamb and I would just be happy to feel like part of a team. It would definitely be considered if I was asked if I wanted to go to war. Maybe I would be a war nurse? Then again I don’t do sciences anymore and I’m not that smart. I’m sure they would find something for me somewhere.

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Oh, and to defend my case again, I don’t really like to cook. Maybe I got a good grade in my HE GCSE but that’s because it wasn’t based on taste. Having to put so much time into that one thing and cut literal onions is not my idea of a good time. I could learn for sure, but I won’t be a happy gal that’s for sure.

And one last quick question, could my counsellor come? Like I may have another couple of things to talk about if I were to go into a war zone. No? oh… we may have a problem

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If it ever got to the stage that we had to start sending people over to war, they would have to have a pretty hard fucking think about who they are gonna ask to go. Like they may go with just men because that is the way it’s always been. But they may find themselves with a few Mulan type girls who sneak in without anyone knowing, or maybe they would be met by a group of angry Gen Zs. Then on the other hand us gals may all suddenly scuttle into some dark corner and cease to exist outside the home if they said women can go too. Like it really is a 50/50 chance and the war would probably be done by the time we’ve actually made a decision.

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Hopefully, it never comes to that though because I don’t really want to have to sleep in the mud and get literal foot fungus or whatever, but then again I don’t wanna be that bitch who think men are the heroes, you know. It’s a tricky situation and I’m sure I will have a few restless nights over it but feel free to comment below on what you would do. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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The power of apps

This could possibly be my most dumb fucking post because I know I’m about to sound like I’m some sort of old bitch who just discovered the internet, but honestly, I just think of a lot of random crap and I like to share it, whether you like it or not. I mean, if you… Continue Reading →

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Do You Know What’s Weird? | Plants are alive

Now please don’t think I’m some sort of alien conspiracy bitch, like I understand that plants are a living thing because I went to school (not in the USA) and did biology (again, not in the USA) so I would say I know a thing or two. I also think about things too much which… Continue Reading →

Why Does Nobody Appreciate A Bargain?

POV: it’s Saturday. You are with a friend on the train and because we are so spontaneous we say “hey, why don’t we go to Botanic instead?”. You feel crazy because you are now getting off one stop later, what a rush. You go around and live the quirky life you desired as you shop… Continue Reading →

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The Raging 20’s, Is It an Inevitable Disaster?

I’m sorry, but between my last post and this one, we have literally gone through a war. That’s not even a joke sadly enough. Corona is kinda fading away (except the Queen has joined the Corona Club) but then we gotta keep the drama alive so we start into world war 3! Sounds like a fucking high school drama where someones always gotta go through some sort of shit. Honestly though what the fucking is going on? Just as we didn’t need to wear one type of face mask, we gonna start to need a whole other one. At this point, I’m ready for it. Do your worst I guess… ok I take that back but honestly, I’m not even phased. But let’s do a wee catch up for all the people who have tried to stay off the News. So, sorry, but it isn’t good news.

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London Bridge is Falling Down

I heard that this is what they are supposed to say when the queen dies as their secret word or something (even though it obviously isn’t so secret at the moment) but before you panic I swear she isn’t dead or I haven’t heard so yet, but I just mean the queen is literally on her last leg. Fair play though because she’s probably sick of this shit. She’s probably like “war? Not this shit again” like honestly she has seen a lot of stuff I’ll tell you that for sure.

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She literally had to use like a walking stick or something that probably cost as much as money as it would to end hunger in Africa. And obviously walking stick doesn’t equal literal death but I mean I wouldn’t be surprised honestly. And here she is with literal ‘rona. Whose head is about to be cut off though? That’s what I wanna know. I mean I’m sure she’s not out in the town on a Saturday night so someone had to bring it to her.

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‘Rona’s Running Away

I don’t want to jinx it but I think we are coming out the other side! Like rona is kinda irrelevant now and I love that for us. Sure I still wear a face mask but honestly it doesn’t even bother me at this point. If anything I feel weird not having it because if I don’t then I feel like I’m missing something. That and I also feel like I don’t know what to do with my face anymore. Like kinda when you don’t know where to put your hands.

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Actually though I heard from my sister that her friends friend was wearing a mask on the day that masks weren’t mandatory and this woman dead ass went up to her and was like “why are you wearing a mask! You don’t need to wear one!” bitch get the fuck outta my face though for real. Literally how weird. I mean if someone said that to me I don’t really know what I would do? Like maybe mind your own fucking business. If anything I’m glad to wear my mask so I can’t smell the shit coming out of your mouth. How funny is that though lol

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Rona is definitely fading though and we can all start to remenise on what the hell actually happened. Literally though we just walked around as if this shit was normal but it isn’t. There was legit a shortage of toilet paper! What?! Literally mental. Can’t wait to dramatize it to my grandkids

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Novak Djokobitch

The whole drama with Djokovic was actually a wee while ago but honestly I’m still kinda pissed for real. Like what is this idiocracy?! I mean you think you know someone then they turn out to be an idiot. Like these scientists work their asses off to fight this literal PANDEMIC and you sit there like “nah I don’t trust it though”! I’m not tryna be rude but you play fucking tennis for a living. I’m pretty sure they know what they are doing. Unless you have been living under a rock, I think it is quite obvious why we need the vaccine.

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So yeah, all in all he didn’t get to play in his tennis match and I think he is kinda shunned from Australia or wherever he was when it happened. For real though you think a public figure would have a bit of sense to do the right thing. If it was more actual medical reasons that would be another story. Maybe it’s some sort of chemical imbalance in his head?

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Coming Soon: World War III

Sorry but why is this becoming a series? like honestly where is the need. I know that you will all have heard about Russia invading the Ukraine and now the rest of the world is like “shit” because they probably need to get involved now. Honestly this is is a serious situation and if I try to make it sound any less serious than it is then I want you to know that it’s because I try to make jokes when I’m uncomfortable or actually feeling stuff, but I really do appreciate the danger of what is happening at the moment and I’m sorry if you are affected by it at the moment and hope it will all end soon.

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Anyways, yeah, we’ve kinda jumped from one danger to the next honestly. Putin had too much time to think (or not think) in lockdown and that’s no lie. Like I really don’t get why wars happen. Obviously it’s a bit more difficult for literally countries to “talk it out” but like I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have to lead to the end of the world. And the fact the russian guy actually came out and said something like “if you try to stop me I will do something that you have never seen in history before”. Just what?! You’ve got me flipping though my history books tryna figure out what the fucking you gonna do but surely it can’t be a nuclear war? But nah that is what he means.

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So you are telling me you got a secret bunker that will let you survive a nuclear bomb? But at what cost though? So you have control of the whole world which is literally just a few microorganisms? Like if you gonna whipe us all out at least tell me what you plan to do. Don’t villains usually have a whole monologue before they kill the person?

There have been a lot of “scares” about a world war 3 in the past years but that’s been from the most insignificant shit like Bo Jo’s hair was actually shaped like a w for 3 seconds or some English GCSE type crap.

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But as a woman, I’m not sure if I should run to the battle field or to the kitchen. Like… it’s a conflict of interest honestly. I mean I’m willing to vote and do that stuff I am grateful for, but I’m not sure if they will appreciate my mental quirks on the battle field honestly. And legally I’m American but that doesn’t mean I want to use a gun you know?

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Summary

I’m not sure if this type of shit happens every 100 years, but we gotta look at the facts honestly because they went through a whole ton of shit during the roaring 20’s. I wonder what they will call us? Maybe nothing because we’ll all be literally deceased. Who knows? So just to summarise, for all those who kinda just want to skip to the end… it’s every man to themselves at this point and may the odds be ever in your favour. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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The Most Common US Misconceptions About The UK

This post is gonna come off as fucking cheeky and kind of playing with American stereotypes, but I want to make it clear to you now that I 100% mean it. So, sorry I guess but it has to be done. To be fair though, when was there ever a need for you to learn… Continue Reading →

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How To Describe My Blog

Sometimes when I am writing a new post I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and wonder what the fuck I’m even talking about. What genre is this? I would say comedy but then again I don’t want to seem cocky and I don’t even know if people understand my humour. I would also… Continue Reading →

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I Don’t Get The Guinness Book Of World Records

Maybe it’s because I have no skills of my own but like I don’t understand the hype of the Guinness book of world records because the only thing it did was make me confused at why the drink my dad loves is making a book? Like… make it make sense. It’s kinda cool I guess… Continue Reading →

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Is Texting A Ticking Time Bomb?

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Is Texting A Ticking Time Bomb?

From the perspective of a 16-year-old girl, I would have to say yes, texts are a ticking time bomb. Call me old fashioned, but honestly, I don’t trust that shit. They are so unpredictable. Now I could lie to you and say that is the reason I don’t text people much, but the plain truth is that my social battery is like a fucking iPhone battery, that shit goes down quick. But I predict that I have dodged a few dramas by not texting that much. Then again, I predicted that Covid would at least wipe out Donald Trump (we still got time I guess).

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That last statement was literally so unnecessary, but you know I love a good Donal Trump hate comment. But yeah, texting can go wrong pretty easily. Even a few of my posts might go in the wrong direction based on this one thing that I want to talk to you about today. My problem? Well, sometimes I feel like everyone hates- OH, SHIT you mean my problem with texts? My problem with THAT is you can’t convey the right tone in texts.

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Family Fights

One time I found myself in a messy situation because of miscommunication was 2 years ago when I was in school. My sister could drive at that time and texted me, later on, to tell me that I had left a bit of my lunch in the boot of her car and asked where I was so she could give it to me. I said I was in the assembly hall and my sister was like “oh, well you can just get it from the 6th form centre because I can’t be bothered to go down there” and I was like, fair enough, but then I asked her what class she was in next and she said Chemistry.

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You don’t know my school, but you walk past the assembly hall to get to Chemistry, so I said “why don’t you give it to me on your way to Chemistry then?” That was a genuine question because I thought it would be easier for us both, but then I get a reply and, although this isn’t the word for word, she was like “DON’T BE SO FUCKING RUDE! THIS ISN’T EVEN MY JOB! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN FORGET YOUR FUCKING LUNCH YOU DUMB SHIT”. So obviously there was a bit of a mix up in tone and ended up with her screaming at me from the other side of the corridor with people just staring at me and the drama even though I had no clue what the fuck was going on 🙂

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Stamdard School Situation

My teacher would be loving all this alliteration, but anyways, another way I got myself kinda in the middle of something was last year (a.k.a 2 months ago) and we were doing some sort of school thing where only 17 of us were in it. Honestly, the red flags were flapping in the wind like it was the 12th of July in NI but I still chose to stay in the group. Let’s just say, the first red flag is that there is this one really strong-headed person who thinks they are the best and that everyone loves them when in reality everyone slabbers about them and just dislikes them passionately.

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To sum it up, we had to decide on a product to make for a business. It took forever and being just below him in terms of ranking, I decided that after weeks and weeks of deliberation, today was gonna be the day where we would just do a vote and bish bash bosh, democracy is where it’s at. The header, who obviously thought his idea was the best, was like “ok” and we did the whole going around the room hands up business. And guess what? His idea was lost by quite a lot I must admit. It was basically just his 3 goons who voted for him.

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So, while I boss-bitched that situation, he goes off slabbering about me and the idea and being just a fucking prick and saying the shittest stuff and then would text into the group chat the dumbest, rudest shite. And while I can have some risky words in this blog, I really had to hold back in the texts. It was just whenever he would start attacking random people or start being fucking rude that I couldn’t just watch. Now I know you probably think I am trying to make myself the hero, but I must admit I probably shouldn’t have gotten involved, but what’s done is done and it needed to be said.

Texting while you are angry is a mess and a half because you send it without thinking and bam there is no going back. And it may take you a while to regret it, like a high school relationship, but it usually does happen.

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Too Far

You see, I have a particular sense of humour. And I mean very particular. Bordering on a niche. Bordering on monopoly. So sometimes I make a joke that I find fucking hilarious, but with further thought, I kinda think it is suitable. Kinda like when you laugh at some kid that just fell. I’ll go to hell for it for sure but I’ll cross that bridge when it comes to it.

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So the thing is, with texts you have even less time to think in my opinion. Your fingers have typed and sent it before you even finished the joke in your head. Usually, this happens to me by making jokes about my dad’s age. The thing is he literally isn’t that old. I’ll not tell you exactly, but he just left his mid-life crisis. So take what you want from that. But anyway, I realised I had literally been making so many jokes about his age within the past few days and was like “oh shit I hope he doesn’t get hurt by that” and then, as a result, I am here trying to be the nicest person ever.

Maybe he doesn’t give a fuck but he could and now he has a whole line of texts with me making jokes about his age. They are hella funny, but we can’t talk about that right now.

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Anyways, yeah, while my English teacher may think otherwise, you can’t represent your emotions very well by just words. Like if you are someone who is naturally anxious, you may read their text in a different way than they intended. So it’s a dangerous thing to do. And that is why I don’t social 🙂 I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Let’s Discuss It | Pronouns

Can people please just get over it and wise up because it just isn’t that hard bitch. Firstly I’d like to say that my pronouns are she/her and I’m straight so I can’t really speak of experience but I want to talk from the perspective of just an accepting human being which is literally the… Continue Reading →

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Let’s Discuss It| Stating The Obvious

I’m not really an angry person if I’m gonna be honest and although this doesn’t really make me that angry, it gets me in that manic laughing phase which is kinda fucking scary. Like you know that point where you just look at someone who just said something to you and you don’t have any… Continue Reading →

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Jennifer Lawerence Is What?

Talk about a merry fucking Christmas because I just found out something that has blown me away. It has been released before Christmas but I am only getting around to talking about this now because I wanted to spread out the happiness across this December. So without further ado, let’s talk about what the fuck… Continue Reading →

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The power of apps

This could possibly be my most dumb fucking post because I know I’m about to sound like I’m some sort of old bitch who just discovered the internet, but honestly, I just think of a lot of random crap and I like to share it, whether you like it or not. I mean, if you are gonna think about something, why not go all out and question every single little aspect of it? Go big or go home right?

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So today I’m obviously talking about how apps have the power to literally switch things up so quickly. Like I don’t even think we realise at some points how freaky it really is. Let me give a few examples to get your brain up to speed. I have this tree app that grows a tree when I study but if I go on my phone the tree will die, so it helps to keep me motivated. But the thing is it MAKES me motivated. And it’s so weird because obviously they don’t plant actual trees (unless you earn enough coins to plant a real one, but they also could just be lying lol) but I feel as though if this tree dies, I am a failure.

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That sounded like we were getting into some deep crap but Nah, it just actually works. All you old people can keep on talking about how you had to “use your imagination” when you were bored, or “have to spend your life savings to send a messenger pigeon just to say hi” but I’m gonna stick with the new way because it fucking works. If it means it runs my life, then so be it. I couldn’t give a fuck honestly.

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But then there is one thing about them that doesn’t make their power so scary, but I’ll talk about that later in the post because I thought this intro is getting way too long and I’m bored of it honestly.

Post Content
1. What can they do?
2. What can we do?
3. What would I like?
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What Can They Do?

Honestly, It would be easier to say what they can’t do because these hoes will run your life like you’re a sims character (*conspiracy senses tingling*). There are apps out there that remind you to take water, tell you how long you sleep, give you a whole timetable for every little thing in your life and I bet there’s one that wipes your ass as well. It’s crazy but I suppose necessary because of the price we pay for the literal phone.

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Don’t even get me started on the absolute scam of having to buy apps. Sure they are only 50p but back when I was younger (literally only 6 years ago) that would be my whole life savings. And for what? To be able to give Talking Tom a fucking bow tie? Like, that shit doesn’t even matter. I do have to admit that there are a few apps that I have bought but I swear I had my reasons, or at least I did at the time.

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  1. Minecraft – That was £5 but that was a small price to pay to get priceless street-cred back in the day. It gave me power behind those metal bars (school). So honestly, that was a pretty valid purchase and I’m not afraid to tell you all about it. I know you’re just jealous
  2. Book Tracker – Ok so… I… I don’t even have an excuse for that one. I was going through a phase, OK! Get off my back for flip sake. I just wanted to be a quirky book gorl *Debbie ryan’s my hair behind my ear* Let’s just say that I’m never going to get that money back every again. I stopped reading because that shit wasn’t for me, but now thay my new year’s resolution is to read 10 books this year (which is 10 more than last year so don’t bully me) I had to motivate myself. And guess what? I literally just use “good reads” which does the exact same thing but for free. So yeah…
  3. Driving Theory – I just got this the other day and I’m going cute myself some slack because that’s a smart £4.99. That £4.99 is gonna get me a driving license (in some way) and a whole life of freedom, and it was kinda also my only choice so…
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Isn’t it weird though how much we rely on apps? Like I literally need that app to be able to drive and to complete a legal requirement to do a driving theory test. It’s kinda mental but I also know there is someone else behind another computer just watching all this money roll into their account and honestly I respect that. You gotta do what you gotta do, right?

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What Can We Do?

Compared to apps, we can’t do shit. Not by ourselves at least. We literally rely on an app to tell us when everyone’s birthday is and to literally tell us where we are. Have you heard of “what3words”? It’s crazy. You could be in the middle of nowhere and you can be found. It does seem kinda funny though because imagine you were one of the 999 people and you got a call and they just said “pig lumpy butter” and then they just passed out or hung up. Like you would probably think you’d gone mad or it was a prank call when really there is a girl who was just murdered in the middle of the desert. You would end up picking up the phone and going:

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999 operator: Hello, what is your emergency?
caller: CHIC… CHICKEN BRICK COAST… COASTER
999 operator: Right, I don’t know who the fuck you are but this is the 3rd time you’ve tried to call and if you call again I swear to god!
*hangs up*
999 operator: *watching TV*
News presenter: Just in, a girl who was missing for 26 years was just found in England. We asked her where she was held all this time and she said, to be exact, “chicken brick coaster”. There you have it guys, this app is a life-saver.

Like you have to admit that sounds fucking hilarious.

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One thing that I also wanted to mention, just to give humans a wee ego-boost after slamming us for being lazy shits, we still do have the power over apps. How? We can just delete that shit. No joke it’s kinda funny when you think about it because, unlike anything else in this world, if it’s bugging us or we just don’t like it, we can delete that shit. “Ugh, I can’t get past this level” DELETE. “Why does this say I need more sleep?” fucking delete it

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I can’t trust myself with that much power. I wish you could do that in real life though. Just deadass delete any inconvenience. “wow, I failed geography!” deleted. *someone annoys me* deleted. Like it would make everything so much easier. I would wake up on a Monday and just hit delete, you know.

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What Would I Like?

Call me a bitch, but it’s time to talk about me, or at least what I would like in an app. Woah, that sounds like a really shit online dating show. “What I would like in an app”, I CLAIM IT THOUGH so if you are gonna use it you gotta give me a cut, ok? I’m almost sure that’s legally binding? :/

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Anyways, what I would love an app to do for me is literally plan everything for me. Now I’m not talking about fucking google calendar type shit, no, I want it to just make me a full schedule in an instant in the most efficient way possible. I don’t give a shit if it needs to hear me making plans, but it gotta just have it done because one part of making a schedule that I find scary is having to time it right. Like is that just me? I pretty much give myself an hour to wash my face in the morning just so I know I have enough time just in case I was too, oh, I don’t know, fucking die? It may seem like a bit of a push but I would appreciate it.

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Then, if we could get that done, you could have a bonus package where the app will DO the things on your schedule and if you have any type of social interaction, someone that works with the app will personally call them and tell them we can’t attend, without making said person sad. I mean, hey, I’m just thinking out loud.

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That one was kinda dumb, so give me another chance. I would love it if there was an app that could genuinely teach me stuff. Like I know that sounds dumb as fuck and you probably think I’m secretly your teacher trying to get everyone to do more work, but like I find learning things that I don’t need to learn fun. Like if there was an app that taught you about literal fucking mechanics or physics, but in the style of Duolingo, I think that would be so fun. But it would kinda literally be very difficult and would have to be the same quality as Duolingo because you could make it so shite. I don’t know if that would be possible but imagine if you could just learn sign language that way, or random shite like how a car works, or full-on topics like a certain time in history.

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I just love to know really random, pointless, yet interesting facts because it makes me feel smart. It would be fun I must admit. But I don’t know if you would all agree with me, but jeez, get your own blog. Also, the app would have to be free. The foot is down on this one, guys.

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And lastly, just to end things off, I have one last to add. It’s a question really, but what apps do you want to see? What do you need in your life that your phone can do for you. I mean it could literally be anything. It might not be possible but honestly, I couldn’t care less lol I just like to hear your ideas. Maybe one that can record/remember your dreams for you so that if you have the most amazing dream you will have it there with you forever and you can also check whether you were dreaming or if it was real life because that’s been happening to me lately and I am kinda really confused about what is real and what isn’t so yeah lol.

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Anyways, that’s all for today. I guess I’ll say sorry for not posting in a while but literally I’ve been so exhausted and life has just happened you know. Like literally life is fucking crazy and I know you know that but I’ll try to keep up the motivation. Literally, dreading everything in life right now, but hey, these are the best years of my life, right? :/ I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT

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Personal comedy blog post feature image for Christmas with vine girl who says merry Chrysler

Merry Chrysler!

Merry Christmas guys! I want to keep this post short and sweet because honestly who the fuck wants to read this on Christmas but if you are then I respect you and you a real one. But anyway lol I know this year has been kinda very shite but it’s nearly over and we made… Continue Reading →

Thank Goodness For Growing Up

I’m no Peter Pan, but I never want to grow up. Well, except for these reasons. Maybe it won’t be so bad after all.

Humans Haven’t Evolved For Shit

Humans haven’t evolved for shit, well not in the way I would like. I would warn all the Ross Gellers, or people who actually understand this topic, to beware because this may cost you a few brain cells, but I do want to add I am not a Karen and I do believe in evolution, this is a joke.

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Do You Know What’s Weird? | Plants are alive

Now please don’t think I’m some sort of alien conspiracy bitch, like I understand that plants are a living thing because I went to school (not in the USA) and did biology (again, not in the USA) so I would say I know a thing or two. I also think about things too much which usually gets regurgitated into a blog post and that is exactly what this is. But what got me thinking about this random shit? Well, my dad, an avid David Attenborough fan, was watching green planet, or whatever one was out recently, and was raving about this one plant that was weird as hell. Yes, I know, we have the best conversations. But let’s talk about it today.

Contents
1. The Glow Up
2. Ironic Names
3. They Got A Whole Ass Personality
4. How Are They Not Conscious Beings
5. Some Are Omnivores
6. House Plants
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1. The Glow Up

Evolution hit them like a ton of bricks, literally no lie. Obviously, like humans, some didn’t get hit so hard (*cough*daisies*cough*literal grass*cough*), but fuck me there is a good handful of them that literally changed like there was no tomorrow. The one that my dad showed me, and I won’t tell you the name yet because I’m leaving that for the next sub-topic, was so freaking advanced that it may as well be the Elon Musk of the plant kingdom. Just always one step ahead of everyone. Also like Elon, I have a suspicion it’s some sort of robot.

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Tell me why this plant literally slithers around to find this plant and grows fucking bladders so that it can steal the water and also the little bugs that for some reason are created in this plant. They deadass just steal the plant’s food and fuck off before they can do anything about it. How raging would you be? Like you got your rainwater and little dead animals all ready to eat, but then this greedy bitch comes, grows fucking bladders, and the next second it’s all gone! The audacity.

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Honestly, though, it’s so weird how plants have evolved to do such weird things. Like it’s unbelievable. They are resilient as fuck because they can grow anywhere and just thrive in harsh conditions. And what do we do? Fucking cry if they gave us the wrong 12″ pizza? Goddamn. It must have taken so long though and I still don’t even know how they learned what they need to do because they don’t have a mind. I get the whole “survival of the fittest” type shit, but how do they know to go to this plant and grow these separate organs and then grow hairs that detect when they need to chomp on a little bug.

I mean I was shocked when I found out sunflowers turn their head to face the sun, but that means nothing to me now.

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2. Ironic Names

I think it’s absolutely hilarious how people name plants. They must be top comedians because the amount of shit they come up with is so funny. From the plant I described above, what would you think it’s called? Some sort of heroic name or just something that sounds pretty classy, like maybe… right well I don’t know, but something cool that’s for sure. And now guess what they called it. If you said “bladder wart”, you are, firstly a cheater, but also a winner.

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It’s the height of disrespect honestly. It’s like calling superman, just “man”, or calling the hulk, “booger wart”. Like it isn’t right. Did a child name it? That’s the only way I could excuse it because when I hear the word bladder wart, I would be thinking of driving that person to the hospital for a check-up cause that sounds nasty. It is ironic, and maybe poetic, to hear such an amazingly adapted plant be called such a dumb fucking name.

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There are also some names that are kinda perfect because the flower is so irrelevant and insignificant that they didn’t even give their names the time of day. Like a sunflower, I mean what the fuck is that? I can guarantee you the decision went like this:

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person 1: ahh, I’ve found another plant, it’s amazing
person 2: meh, it’s kinda shit really
person 1: yeah you’re right actually… We’ve still gotta name it though
person 2: awk for fuck sake *sigh* just call it… a fuckin’… a sunflower I fucking hate my job

Somebody go check the history books because I’m pretty sure that was spot on

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3. They Got A Whole Ass Personality

No joke they’ve got more of a personality than half the people in my school. These hoes don’t stop for nobody. They give me very much “motivational talker who tells you to not give a fuck about anyone but yourself” kinda vibe. And I respect that. However, they also give me “two-faced snake” vibes. Sure they look pretty but underneath they’ve got this whole network of roots. I never thought anything of it until my mum and dad were talking about how they were worried the tree outside was getting too big (yep, I’m an eco bitch) and I was like “why is that bad?” and they deadass went on to say it could destroy our house. I’m sorry but what the fuck? I’d love to see that honestly.

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I suppose they do go through a lot so we can’t blame their attitude. We will literally turn them into a fucking treehouse, chop them down, make them into a literal bookcase filled with pages that are also made out of themselves, and climb all over them like it’s nobody’s business.

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4. How Are They Not Concious Beings?

It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact they have evolved to do such amazing things, but it’s even crazier to think that they aren’t really conscious beings like we are. Sure they are classified as a living thing but they don’t have a brain or any thoughts (that we know of :o) and yet they still just do this shit because of cells and science shit.

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You can’t tell me it there isn’t any “Inside Out” business going on in there because I could imagine a little plant anger or a little plant joy. They are quite literally smarter than some of the guys in my year. I’m no David Attenborough but I sure as hell would prefer the company of a literal plant than other people.

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It is just amazing and crazy though when you think about it. Like they’ll find an obstacle and be like “oh shit ok let’s go this way instead” or, in terms of a venus flytrap, they have pretty much a built in timer that helps them figure out the difference between a bug and everything else. No joke, venus flytraps have this thing where they only shut if they sense something within 20 seconds of each other so that it doesn’t just close on a raindrop or something. There is also this other plant that looks so pretty but literally has this gel like thing on the spikes that makes any insects that go on it stick and it will deadass curl them up and the gel will literally digest them. Imagine seeing that happen! Imagine being that fly!

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5. Some are Omnivores

Plants really switched it up on this one because on the food chain we see plants as literally the primary producers, so they convert the sunlight into energy and then an animal comes, eats them and then get’s that energy. But in some cases that bitch is a fucking consumer. They really pulled it out of the bag with that one and honestly I respect that. Like it’s a two way system and if one doesn’t like being eaten then the got to work something out.

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They really do be getting their revenge like they are fucking Bruce Wayne. They snack on a whole fly and then carry on as a pretty piece of nature. Do you know how many plants just murdered something right before they were put on camera in a photo or TV show. Like that is some crazy shit. LOL don’t think I’m crazy, it’s a joke, but I find it hilarious how nobody appreciates that plants, quite literally not a conscious being, eats a fucking living, conscious thing. Well, I don’t really know if insects have thought tbh? Wow that’s gonna keep me up at night

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6. House Plants

And lastly, it’s important to touch on the real warriors of the planet, house plants. You think you got it rough? Pfft, try being dehydrated and forgotten for weeks. These hoes are like the depressed middle child. Miserable, forgotten, but always loved. So shoutout to all the plants that died of dehydration! You are a real one. You really light up the room. You made us all feel better about ourselves and made us feel like we could accomplish something in life. Sorry that we forgot you, but you shall always be remembered… not really.

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I actually am growing plants at the moment. Bonsai trees to be exact. Like I literally got it for Christmas and I’m quite excited. The thing is only one has actually started to grow and it’s been 2 weeks, but it says it could be 3 weeks so we’ll not panic yet. I feel like I’ll have to name them but I’ll do that later once I’ve gotten to see them. The on I have at the moment is kinda crazy on the top like a palm tree, so I’m either gonna call it Pam or Sideshow Bob. What do you think?

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And there we have it. To all those people who were thinking “how the fuck could someone write a whole fucking post about how plants are weird?” I just did it bitch. And now I’ve got you equally as freaked out by plants. Thank you so much for reading this though and I would love if you could like, comment, give a cheeky little donation so I can keep posting and follow for more content like this every other day (or at least I try). I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Let’s Discuss It | New Borns

Whenever you grow up and someone says they have a “face only a mother could love”, that person is, one, a bitch, but two, speaking facts because, after the first time she sees her new-born baby, there is no way it can get any worse, so no matter what they look like when they grow… Continue Reading →

the christmas spirit is a curse, christmas, snow, winter, comforting

The Christmas Spirit Is a Curse

Whoever said Christmas is about giving, not receiving is fucking right because bitch do I GIVE! Now I ain’t tryna brag and be like oh my days I’m so unlucky that I have to/can spend money to get stuff for my family, but like I’m just saying that I am acting as though I’ve got… Continue Reading →

2 COVID Tests and a Christmas in Quarantine

12 days ’til Christmas and my true love gave to me, a big fucking mess. I mean what the actual hell. Here I am with a bit of a sore head and a stuffy nose and then I take a wee lateral flow test before I go out to Ju-Jitsu but then the 2nd line… Continue Reading →

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Why Does Nobody Appreciate A Bargain?

POV: it’s Saturday. You are with a friend on the train and because we are so spontaneous we say “hey, why don’t we go to Botanic instead?”. You feel crazy because you are now getting off one stop later, what a rush. You go around and live the quirky life you desired as you shop in charity shops. Then bam, in one of the last shops you go to you find the biggest bargain ever (or at least that I’ve ever seen). It’s a literal Panasonic Lumix digital camera for £20 and it’s pretty much brand new! Who am I, Bargain Hunter?

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But then guess what? You go home completely buzzing, ready to show this win because my mum loves a bargain too (or so I thought). Then when I walk in the house like the retro bitch I am, I shove the camera in their face and go like “guess how much this was?” and they’re like “Ummm-” but they takin’ too long so I gotta but in like “£20!”. *crickets* In fact, there weren’t even any crickets. They were too busy going and wasting all their money instead of appreciating my find. What is up with these people?

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And tell me why the fuck they turn to me and say “don’t you have a phone?” They really said that, deadass. Bitch where is this whole “when I was your age all I had was my imagination” type shit? You should appreciate me becoming a retro gal and finding enjoyment that isn’t on my phone. And anyway, did you not hear what price it was??? Like… get your ears checked girl. You know what? I’ll just take a picture of your ear with my NEW camera, so you’re welcome bitch.

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And you never know, this could be my calling. I could become the next big photographer but they don’t give a shit. Do I have any interest in doing that? No, but I could. Maybe if they were motivational or nice then I would become a photographer gorl. But never mind, I guess this is good for my autobiography “that bargain bitch: the price you pay for appreciation”. Don’t think I’m not taking notes bitch

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Sometimes, though, I have to admit that at some points all these discounts are making me pay more overall because I will buy that shit just because it’s cheap. Like I was near about to buy this wireless apple watch charger (that was probably non-functional) when I don’t even have an apple watch, all because it was like £2.50. And I was also about to buy a really small tripod that was so crusty musty that I felt sick to my stomach, only because it was 50p. To be fair, I never actually bought those things, but you better bet that I have bought some random crap. I can’t remember them all but I will list a few

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  1. A ping-pong net: To be fair, we do actually have stuff for ping-pong/table tennis (whatever the difference is) so I could kind of justify it, but then again I haven’t played it since a really dark time in the third quarantine and I don’t know if I’m ready to go back there. But it’s the one that is pretty snazzy and clips onto the side of your table and you can pull the net out to whatever length you want. And guess how much it cost me? £1.50! No joke. I was loving it. Will I ever use it? Who fucking knows but now I have a great convo starter for every single time it is in my presence
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2. A 10 pack of A5 booklets: Don’t even ask me what the fuck was going on here because I just want to leave that behind me. But let me tell you anyways. I was going through one of those phases where you panic because you don’t know shit about how to revise well. Then one day I was shopping, as one does, and I was in easons (RIP) and there was this 10 pack of A5 booklets. I wouldn’t have given a shit if I hadn’t seen the bright yellow sticker that said £3. I don’t even know if that is fucking worth it because I tried it for one subject and it just really stressed me out. The pages were thin as fuck and I couldn’t get it to look nice. So now, as a result, I am £3 down and have 10 useless booklets taking up room on my bookshelf. Do not recommend tbh.

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3. Lastly, because I rarely regret a good bargain, I’m gonna talk about a broad topic which is buying stuff that you already have just because it’s cheaper and you never know, maybe there could be a zombie apocalypse and the only thing that stops them is another lip balm. Don’t come looking for me when you can’t find another burts bees anywhere, I’ll be living freely. It does get out of hand as some point though because it’s such a fucking waste. I have so many body lotions and face masks that are so out of date I could probably get them sent out to be used for a science experiment.

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I know everyone in the comments is gonna be going on about how it’s a whole marketing tactic and that you can’t believe that I would actually fall for that, but bravo to the bitch who came up with the tactic because it is hella smart. I’m not even ashamed to admit that I will fall for it again and again and I want it to continue that way. No matter what the product is, if I see a mega discount, you better know I’m gonna go get it and then go home and brag about it to everyone. Honestly, they do get sick of it, but who is the one who can handle their money well? Maybe I’ll spend £50 on 67 random pieces of crap, but at least I won’t spend that much on fucking jeans.

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Lol, yeah I guess that is all I have to say about bargains at the moment. Honestly, though, who all loves a bargain because I know I do but I feel like nobody really respects it. It never gets old. You get such a sense of pride that you somehow found something at such an amazing price and probably nobody else will get it, especially if it’s in a charity shop which is something I’ve really gotten into lately. I find it so fun to compare prices because I’ll deadass go into a shop like Pull and Bear or Stradevarious and go around point at clothes like “can you believe I literally got a top that is EXACTLY like that for £2, and they are selling it here for £39.99?! I could never” and then I’d continue that with every item of clothing until they kick me out.

And what about it? Fight me. Anyways, I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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I Needed More Time In The Oven

Before you start calling child protection services, let me just clear something up. No, I am not the gingerbread man and no I am not in some weird family where instead of a naughty step I get the literal oven. What I’m referring to is the lack of basic features that I kinda feel were… Continue Reading →

After 7 Years I’m Not Sure My Pet Is A Dog

I know what you are thinking, “what the fuck does your dog look like”. But it isn’t because of that. She is literally the cutest thing you will ever see, well… apart from at the moment because she just got a haircut that made her hella ugly, but it’s fine it’ll grow back. The thing… Continue Reading →

Shocking Event That United The UK More Than Ever

Now I’m not someone who gets political, not even when it comes to Brexit taking our magic stars, but this phenomenon has to be mentioned. It is absolutely mental how this one thing has united the countries within the UK more than anything else. I feel we have actually joined as a team to create… Continue Reading →

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The Most Common US Misconceptions About The UK

The Most Common US Misconceptions About The UK

This post is gonna come off as fucking cheeky and kind of playing with American stereotypes, but I want to make it clear to you now that I 100% mean it. So, sorry I guess but it has to be done. To be fair though, when was there ever a need for you to learn this stuff? It isn’t like you were given much of a chance seeing as you only found out last week that other countries existed 😮

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Post Content
UK vs. Britain vs. England
Are you Irish?
Tea
Cookies vs. Biscuits
Messed up weather
What is Brexit?

Damn, that one was kinda rude but the truth hurts *gets cancelled* Anyways before I get the whole of the US against me, I just want to say that I really don’t mean any offence by this and it’s just a wee laugh, to be honest. I mean, I can’t really speak because I’m dumb as fuck. Not that you are… I just meant that… Never mind. Let’s just get started.

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UK vs. Britain vs. England

Uk world map split into the 4 countries plus Ireland in colour

Surprisingly enough, these three locations are not all the same thing 😮 The UK consists of 4 countries (Northern Ireland, England, Scotland and Wales) although, as a word of advice, just don’t say that to people in Northern Ireland because there is a 50% chance you could get kneecapped, OK? Anyways, Britain consists of 3 countries (England, Scotland and Wales) however only English people call themselves British and if you call the other ones British you will most likely get stabbed. And lastly, England. This is one country. There is a city in it called London, but no, the entirety of England is not London. Just a wee fun fact for you there. To be fair, seeing you guys trying to work this out is top entertainment so don’t even worry about it.

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Are You Irish?

Americans saying they are Irish meme

I don’t care if your fucking great-great-grandfather was a fucking leprechaun, you are NOT Irish. Now, I’m not angry about it but I just find it so funny how you base your whole personality on this one minuscule thing. I swear your grandfather could have eaten a potato one day or had a pint of Guinness and you would declare yourself Irish. Sorry to break it to you but you really just are not. What also cracks me up is when Americans go to Ireland for the first time and they act as though they just found a piece of them that was missing. They’ll breathe in the Irish air like they’re a character in a coming of age film on their first day of school. It’s so funny.

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Every time we went to America (literally twice but shut up) people would ask us where we are from and we’d be like “northern Ireland” and that would be us busy for the next hour or so because they were basically whipping out their family tree and their fucking 23andme results. It’s like going into a Lush store (if you know, you know). But in all seriousness, if you ever go anywhere in Ireland and say you are Irish in your thick American accent, you will most likely be absolutely slaughtered. Just… no.

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Fair enough though, if your mum or your dad was from Ireland then that’s something but even still if you were born in America and raised in America you gotta understand that you are American. Sorry to ruin your dream I guess but the truth hurts

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Tea

tea vs coffee in the uk funny spongebob meme

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a sucker for a cuppa tea. Does it make up a lot of my personality? Honestly, yes. But I’m an exception because funnily enough, we aren’t all tea addicts. So don’t go mentioning tea all the time because we have learnt the appropriate times of when to mention tea and when not to mention tea. It really isn’t that hard. As long as you know never to give an unconscious person tea, then you’ll get sweet. Unconscious people don’t want tea.

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We don’t really even take tea that seriously though like it’s a stereotype and you kinda gotta remember that. But if you want to keep holding us to the stereotype then we can keep calling Americans gun crazy. Compromise? (sorry that was a bit far)

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cookie vs biscuit uk vs us controversy

Contrary to popular belief, we use both of these words. Our explanations are actually pretty accurate and you can never prove to me otherwise. There are some anomalies out there that cause a few arguments such as a Jaffa cake (which is stinkin’, to be honest) and also a Maryland cookie. Obviously, it has a cookie in the name but there is more to it than that, don’t even get me started.

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Correct me if I’m wrong, but you think we call every form of, as you call it, cookie, a biscuit, but we don’t. A biscuit is crumblier if you know what I mean. Like it snaps easier and is more solid, like a digestive (top tip, caramel digestive are a necessity) but we still use the word cookie for things such as the classic chocolate chip cookie where it is more gooey. It might be a little bit crunchy on the outside but then soft on the inside. We call that a cookie and we demolish the people that call a cookie a biscuit.

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Here is the rundown for you. You can call a biscuit a cookie (if you must *eye roll*) but you can never call a cookie a biscuit, no exceptions.

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Messed Up Weather

british crazy weather pie chart colour meme

Honestly, I can’t even give you a solid explanation for what the fuck goes on with our weather, but I’ll tell you one thing, the weather people do not have an easy job. You may feel it is rainy all the time and at some points that’s right. The weather is shite very often which can get really old really quickly, but it’s also cosy as shit so we move, but then you get the cheeky wee switch up in the summer where it’s a whole new level of hot.

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Deadass, it’s as though mother nature was so busy getting the rest of the world warmth and sun and one day was like “oh shit” and realised that she completely forgot us so to catch up she just pours it all into one week so we can catch up with the others. Either that or she just fucking spilt the whole bag on us. What you don’t think about though is the fact that we don’t have air conditioning in our houses because this shit ain’t normal (except it does happen most years so you would think we’d learn) so you can’t sleep or be comfortable anywhere.

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It’s fun for the first few days but when I tell you we make the most of it, I am telling you we make the most of it. You can’t get out of your driveway there’s that much traffic. There will be fucking barbeques all over the place. The scientists and researchers everywhere are probably like “oh shit, global warming just skyrocketed what the fuck happened?” and someone will just be there like “The UK got their heatwave, but it shouldn’t last more than a week.” Gotta admit, seeing all these pasty-skinned people finally get some natural vitamin D is a wonderful experience

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What is Brexit?

parks and recreation what is brexit confusion chris pratt meme

I don’t even fucking know at this point

I think I will end it there because honestly, I have no clue what else you guys have questions about in terms of the UK. Feel free to leave some in the comments below and I can make another post about it. I promise I won’t judge your questions because it basically isn’t really your fault and I really couldn’t care less. I just like to make jokes, whether they are bad or not. Funnily enough, we do like to make fun of Americans but it’s all in good taste honestly. But as a word of warning, if you go to any of the 4 countries, be careful with what you call said place because it’s a fucking mess, but I can keep that for another post if you like. May God be with you on that one :/ I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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which sense of humour do you have

Which Sense of Humour Do You Have?

I think that to start this post we need to figure out what the word “humour” really means. I’m no Oxford dictionary but in my opinion, it is the things we find funny and that we enjoy making/hearing jokes about. Nothing fancy just a basic bitch definition. I guess now that is out of the… Continue Reading →

christmas controversy

The Century-Long Christmas Controversy

Merry Christmas to everyone!… except those who say happy Christmas. You can go to hell. I don’t really know what it is that possesses people to say “happy” Christmas but I don’t want it. Like it makes me shrivel up and die inside. I can actually hear the elves and Santa cry from the north… Continue Reading →

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How To Describe My Blog

How To Describe My Blog

Sometimes when I am writing a new post I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and wonder what the fuck I’m even talking about. What genre is this? I would say comedy but then again I don’t want to seem cocky and I don’t even know if people understand my humour. I would also say it’s relatable, but then again that’s hardly a fucking genre and I also might just be fucking weird and therefore it isn’t relatable. So I thought I would make this post about what I think my blog is about just to clear things up for everyone, despite the fact I don’t even know the answer myself. Maybe someone can help me out?

Post Content
1. A Blonde Bitch Wrote It
2. “Should I be laughing?”
3. Where was the need?
4. Fair play I guess
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A Blonde Bitch Wrote It

This is quite a good description and really speaks volumes because it is so accurate. Now I’m not saying that it’s just dumb content (sorry to go off stereotypes but bear with me), but I quite literally am a blonde bitch (see! It’s just self-deprecation). And I love that for me, I really do, but then again it really shows. Don’t get me wrong, not all blonde people are dumb, but I certainly am. Well, not dumb as in uneducated, but dumb as in I say the most random stuff and am confused about a lot of stuff. Do you get what I mean? I do well in school but I’m just daft and gullible… Just go watch legally blonde for fuck sake, it’s accurate enough (at the start). So basically my blog just costs you a few brain cells for every post, no biggy.

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“Should I Be Laughing?”

Ah, yes, a perfect way to think about my blog. This is where you read my post and think to yourself “should I be laughing or calling for help?” because I like to use humour as a coping mechanism which doesn’t always execute well on text, but trust me you would be pissing yourself in real life (well…). Honestly, though, I think everyone reading this can understand and might choose to compromise and laugh while you cry. It’s a good feeling. Don’t worry about me though guys because I am totally fine :/ and there is nothing to worry about 😐 Nothing at all :):

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Where Was The Need

I ask myself this every day because it’s completely valid. Why the fuck did I just have to write a fucking essay type post on the reasons I don’t get the Guinness Book of World Records or discuss my opinions on newborns? Who really gives a shit? Well, I suppose at least 314 (followers=legends). Not to toot my own horn or anything but I suppose it’s entertainment at its finest. It’s mind-numbing information, yet you are reading it so you feel less lazy than if you were watching a video. Shoutout to all those people trying to read more for their new year’s resolution, one more day in the bag yeeeooo

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I also feel as though this subheading also refers to how I type like I talk. Like I literally add in things that I could pretty much erase and write in a better way but then I’ll be like “fuck it” and then make fun of myself for it in the next sentence. My English teacher would be rolling in her grave right now but whom gives a shit

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Fair Play I Guess

Lastly (unless I think of anymore), I am not too proud to admit that my blog is pretty fucking embarrassing and honestly might share a bit too much information. Not in an age-rating type of way, but as in ‘if my councillor found this I would be given a few extra appointments’ type shit. But that is what I planned to do from the very start because I see so many people out there who will hide all that and then when they talk about it they make it quite a formal and awkward situation (for me anyway. I guess it depends who you are as a person) which I don’t really like. I wanted this to kind of make light of it, but like not make it seem any less important, but like to make it seem more approachable.

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Literally, I just got all soppy there but do you get me? I want this to feel safe for everyone. So yeah, people reading this might think I am a fucking nutjob for saying and thinking all these things but, in the words of Louie Spence, “I’ve done it now, it’s too bleedin’ late. What are they gonna do? What’s gonna happen? They gonna shoot me? I doubt. They’d have to catch me first, I’m like a whippet”

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Anyway, that is it for me today, but if you have any other way to describe my blog please do feel free to comment, as long as it isn’t anything bad because I swear to god I will cry. But in all honesty, jokes aside, I really appreciate every single one of you and my favourite part of the day is reading your comments. So thank you again, don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe for more. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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These Brands Are Getting Way Out Of Hand

Up until last month, I used to think that Corona was the worst thing that happened to us but fuck me this is 10 times worse. I mean I know the pandemic was tough but this has ruined my whole entire life and all of my memories. It makes me physically ill to talk about… Continue Reading →

Selfishness is Comforting

I know, I know, this sounds so bloody stupid but I swear that by the end of this post you will completely agree. Selfishness is comforting when you look at it in a particular way. And I’m almost certain that if you are someone who has hit rock bottom and ended up looking at motivational… Continue Reading →

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I Don’t Get The Guinness Book Of World Records

I Don’t Get The Guinness Book Of World Records

Maybe it’s because I have no skills of my own but like I don’t understand the hype of the Guinness book of world records because the only thing it did was make me confused at why the drink my dad loves is making a book? Like… make it make sense. It’s kinda cool I guess but when was the last time you actually bought one? Probably never because, well, they are kinda fucking expensive, and secondly who gives a shit? The only reason I have one is that my granda had one and it was shiny so I did that thing where you acted obsessed with one thing so that your grandparents would let you keep it. Is that just me? Ok… well that’s awkward. But anyway, I have a couple of questions and problems to do with this book and hopefully, someone can relate to or answer me.

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1. Does it get you anywhere in life?

I suppose not everything in life needs to be for a reason but what does it even bring to the table? How would you even bring that up in a social situation because it just seems unnatural and sometimes, depending on what you did, a bit worrying? Sometimes I imagine this…

Record Holder: So yeah, I also got into the Guinness book of world records for shoving a whole bag of jellybeans up my ass!
Person 2:
Record holder:
Person 2: *stands up* I don’t really think you’re who Candyland is looking for

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Depending on what it is you did though it would be cool because you get the people who can speak the most languages or read the fastest and I respect that and think it’s awesome. But then you get the ones who can eat a jam doughnut without licking their lips the quickest (sorry Oli White) or can fit the most clothes pegs on their face. Who hurt you? And also, how the fuck did you find this out?

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2. How does one even get the opportunity?

Genuinely, I am interested in how you can become an official world record holder because, while I don’t really plan to get one any time soon because… I have no talents, I just always wonder what you would have to do to get one of their people to come over in their fancy suits and watch attempt the record. Surely it costs money? And what if you don’t get it? Surely that’s a wee bit awkward because you’ll probably be sweating or have like 100 straws in your mouth and be like “so… do you want a cup of tea”. I’ve already got social anxiety but I could only imagine what that would be like.

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Wait, I literally just searched it up, which I probably should have done before but literally stop attacking me, and I found out that you don’t have to have an official go to you and all you have to do is submit a video (that is obviously up to standard and has a bunch of other stuff that I can’t be arsed to type) and they will send you over a certificate if you did win it. You can get an adjudicator though but I feel that’s more for YouTubers and shit. Not gonna lie that would be a fun job. I don’t know how much that would cost but I don’t even think I wanna know. If you are wanting to read more about it this is their website btw.

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3. What happens when someone else beats you?

Obviously, at some point in your life someone will break your world record and you’ll probably be fucking raging but it is what it is, you gotta pass on the torch, but what actually happens? To be honest, I don’t really know what I am expecting as an answer. A SWAT team raids your house and takes the certificate, removing any traces it ever existed, or nothing happens and you find out you were beaten because their mum posted it on Facebook? Logically it probably just says the year you got it in and what your results/record was so when someone else beats you they have proper updated evidence, but like that isn’t that fun to think about. I mean I’ve gotta get some good content out there FOR FUCK SAKE.

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4. Can you just make one up and then say you are the best?

When I hear some of the records people achieve I kinda lose hope that I’ll ever become mentally stable again because all of these people are just crazy. They have done the most random crap and now have a world record. How does that even work though? Could I make up some random crap and be like “This is my attempt at giving the least shits for the longest time ever” and then boom, the next day I’m getting my photos taken. I feel like I have heard somewhere that the Guinness people will review it (obviously) and then make the minimum target that you have to get to win the award, but surely if you don’t reach the target but are still the only person to have ever done it you are technically the record holder? Is there someone who has the world record for making up the most world records? Surely there is… *runs off to make new records*

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5. Ok, but at what cost?

Don’t get me wrong guys, I respect the fuck out of anyone who has a world record and honestly I would run at any chance I got to get a world record even if it was the dumbest shit. It is quite the flex, but sometimes I stay up at night worrying about how stretched out the ears of the world’s strongest ears person must be. They are pulling fucking lorries and it scares me for so many reasons, one being how the fuck did they realise they had strong ears and for why? Like honestly I don’t even want to talk about it. Does the certificate make up for it? Can that guy get the bag of jelly beans out again? I wish you luck.

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Anyways, I suppose that is my post over now and I don’t know why but that last paragraph got me kinda worried. What does happen to all those people after they win? Do they just gotta train for a new one or go back to normal life with a random party trick. If you have a world record please do comment down below because I think that’s so interesting. Surely that boosts the fuck out of your ego because I know I would be wearing that shit around my neck like “oh, this old thing?! How embarrassing, it’s just my world record certificate. No big deal” like the main character I am. But yeah, please do like, comment and follow for more because that means more to me than any certificate ever could. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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A Hole I’ve Dug Way Too Deep

You know those situations that keep you up at night? Not the stuff that happened in the past, but the holes you have dug yourself that make your life a living hell. The moments that you wish you could wake up from. Yeah well, I am in one again and I’m terrified. I feel like… Continue Reading →

Are We Born Hypocrites?

This is quite literally an actual question because lately, I have been talking to a lot of people who go back on themselves and completely make themselves look like an idiot. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments where I’ve been unfair by telling people they can’t do something and then I go do… Continue Reading →

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Let’s Discuss It| Stating The Obvious

Let’s Discuss It| Stating The Obvious
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I’m not really an angry person if I’m gonna be honest and although this doesn’t really make me that angry, it gets me in that manic laughing phase which is kinda fucking scary. Like you know that point where you just look at someone who just said something to you and you don’t have any words to say because they just said something really idiotic so all you can do is laugh. That is what happens to me when people state the obvious. I can’t do anything but laugh. I’ll give some examples though so that you can help judge whether or not I’m a dramatic bitch or if we are both dramatic bitches 😮

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Tomorrow Is a New Day

No shit sherlock. I mean is that supposed comforting? Yeah, I guess it is a new day because of fucking common sense and science, but so what I’m still gonna have the same problems or have to face the embarrassment of the day before. Say I failed an exam and was just sad for the rest of the day or something (that was a shocking example but get over it) then somebody would come over and say “it’s ok, tomorrow is a new day”. And then they’ll just sit there acting like Shakespeare or some shit because they have such a way with words. It’s just as well I have corona so I can’t smell the amount of shit coming out of you is unbelievable.

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The World Hasn’t Ended

I have had a lot of people say this and it’s usually in such a passive-aggressive tone and I’m just there like obviously because I happen to not be blown into smithereens. Just because I am worried or stressed to do something doesn’t mean I think the world is gonna end. To be honest that would be better. I would welcome it. Tell me the world hasn’t ended and I’ll be sad. But then you’ll come out with the whole “tomorrow’s a new day” and that’ll make me worse again. It’s a cycle of stupidity I suppose. Maybe some people get comforted by the predictability of life and how no matter what happens the world goes on, but to be honest these phrases are comforting because I realise I am no longer the biggest idiot.

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Are You…?

This one can come in many different varieties but that doesn’t make it any more quirky than the other examples of stating the obvious. In fact, it is the most annoying of them all so far. I’m talking about when you are about to open the door and you’ve got your dog on the leash and some person peaks around the door and goes “oh, are you going on a walk?”. First of all, who are you and how the fuck did you get into my house. And secondly, obviously. I’m not just standing in the hallway for the fun of it. It’s just so aggravating because the person who says this comes from nowhere and it just makes you wonder why they asked. Most of the time they don’t have a reason. Like they’ll make it so dramatic like “OH…” and you’re like for fuck sake what’s the problem. And then when you say “yeah” they’ll disappear with no explanation and you stand there in disbelief. Did you need something or…?

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Are You Asleep?

So I know this fits into the other category but to be honest it needs its own sub-heading. It’s the funniest and most disappointing in my opinion. Like are you really expecting an answer and if so what answer? At least ask if they are awake because then they can answer logically but I find it’s so awkward for both people in this situation. Like you can poke your head around and see they are obviously out for the count and you will genuinely ask “are you asleep?” as if you are expecting them to answer with “yeah, what do you need?”. And also if some asks you “are you asleep?” I don’t know why but I find it so awkward to be like “no…” like what the fuck.

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I also have a twin so obviously there are times when I’m sick of her shit so I’ll just try to act asleep, so obviously I don’t say anything and then she’ll go like “you literally aren’t asleep” and continue to laugh out loud and make me wake up so even if I was asleep I would then be awake. Like if you were going to accuse me of being awake either way then why the fuck would you bother asking in the first place. Luckily we no longer share the same room.

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Overall

I could do a whole range of other examples but you obviously don’t need to read all of them because, unless you are some literal foetus genius who can read this, I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t have anything useful or beneficial to say, just keep your mouth shut and save us both from an awkward situation. It just isn’t ok and while you may think it is helpful, it really isn’t.

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Resolution

Honestly, instead of stating the obvious people should just state a really random, unknown fact. That would be so fucking hilarious and would definitely distract you from whatever it was you were thinking about. Imagine you were just bummed out one day and someone came, sat beside you and said “If you point your car keys to your head, it increases the remote’s signal range.” Don’t you feel better already?

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So now that I sound like a debbie downer and a pessimistic piece of shit, I’m gonna leave it there are ask you all to kindly like and subscribe so I can keep making this type of content for you. I would also really appreciate if anyone could donate a little change which will really help to keep this blog going. I obviously can’t ask that of everyone, so I also ask if you would be able to leave some feedback which is sometimes even better. I really value everything you say and give, and that’s stating the obvious so sorry about that one lol. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Let’s Discuss It | Parenting

It’s a bit ironic to have a literal kid (who has no kids) talking about parenting, but like I was just on a walk and it was kind of an existential kind of day and I was just thinking about how fucked up that shit is and how scary that must bloody be. Like it… Continue Reading →

I Have No Concept of Time At All

This is no joke guys. I have run into many awkward encounters because I have lost all concept of time. You know, I would have thought this was normal if we were in the middle of our first lockdown, but that ship sailed ages ago and I am back to a strict schedule and yet… Continue Reading →

Disney’s Deep Message Behind ‘The Little Mermaid’

I think we all gotta learn from Arial’s mistakes. No, not ‘don’t brush your hair with a fork’ but something else a lot deeper (pun not intended) that all the ladies out there gotta hear about. Btw this is in no way me tryna be a Karen and ‘cancel’ Disney, it’s just a good example… Continue Reading →

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Jennifer Lawerence Is What?

Jennifer Lawerence Is What?

Talk about a merry fucking Christmas because I just found out something that has blown me away. It has been released before Christmas but I am only getting around to talking about this now because I wanted to spread out the happiness across this December. So without further ado, let’s talk about what the fuck is happening with Jennifer Lawerence and what I, and most of you, are thinking about it.

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Jennifer Lawerence, THE Jennifer Lawerence, Katniss Everdeen, funniest most down to earth person you will ever meet, is pregnant! No joke. To be honest she kinda gave me favourite auntie vibes, kinda like the auntie who you only see at special holidays who always has a glass of wine and travels around the world so has great stories to tell but is also fucking crazy, in a good way, and would stand up for you in front of your mum. Do you get me? I suppose she can still be that but just with a kid.

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I am not really 100% sure who her husband is but he must be a great fucking guy to deserve her and he better watch his back because her fans are intense and will most likely flatten him with one mistake, no pressure though. I kinda love how he isn’t some big actor person who is always in front of the screen and acting like someone else because that makes it more genuine. I also had no clue that Jennifer Lawerence was even seeing someone and that makes it even better if you ask me. I looked up a few photos for “research” (aka I’m nosey as fuck) and I’ll leave some below, but they look so happy and cute. He is one lucky guy and they gonna have a cute baby.

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I’m not really sure what episode of life I missed to have her being this single woman who loved a wee cocktail and being with her friends, to her being a married woman who loves this guy and has a literal family started. Time flys I guess but fuck me, I’ve missed a bunch. Like you blink and everyone’s got ‘rona, plus the queens on her last leg and now THIS queen is literally married with a baby on the way. Like wow… slow down a little. Let me catch my breath for a second, the fuck.

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I’m happy for her though and I literally respect her so much. I think she will literally be the best mum and they’ll have such an amazing kid. Hopefully, they get a great sense of humour and are just as down to earth as their parents because that’s one of the most admirable features they have. I wish them luck and I do hope she stays in acting for a while because I literally adore her and find her so comforting which sounds really creepy but I mean that she just makes you feel safe… right that sounds fucking weird but you get what I mean.

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Obviously, that is up to her and we are behind her no matter what so yeah, have fun being pregnant and I’m sure we’ll get to see the baby soon enough because celebrities seem to pop them out quicker than Borris Johnson can fuck something else up. Like it is crazy because one second you are recovering from hearing they are gonna have a baby, then the next day they are at their graduation and you get messed up in the head. Oh well.

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I suppose that is it for today guys and I’m sorry it’s a bit late but I’m sure nobody even realised or cared at all so yeah. This was kind of a fun wee post and I’ve had it in my drafts for a bit but I think it’s really interesting how there are celebrities who do keep their lives private and every so often drop a bomb on us and I love that to be honest. Kinda shows they are actual humans too and they have an actual life outside of the TV screen. Who knew she wasn’t actually a blue alien?! Don’t forget to like and subscribe for more and if you are feeling generous then I would really appreciate a small donation to help me keep this going, if not then please leave some feedback (which is free to do) because to be honest, words are priceless and I would love to hear how I’m doing or if you want anything new. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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What Comes After 21?

If you are like me, an overthinker, you will most likely understand this question immediately. And no, the answer is a little more complicated than 22. I swear if I get a comment like that I will literally erase my existence. Anyways, for those who don’t really get what I mean, let me tell you…. Continue Reading →

Emotion Comes In Shades

What do I mean when I say “Emotion comes in shades”? No, I don’t associate colours with certain feelings, what I mean is that emotions aren’t so black and white. There are layers, different forms of emotions. It’s more deep than just sad, happy or confused. And I think that is what people find difficult… Continue Reading →

The Most Frustrating Thing Is Frustration

Being frustrated is a vicious cycle because frustration pretty much feeds off frustration. Like when you wake up and you are annoyed by the way the bed covers feel, you get frustrated cause you just like “fuck” and you know it’s gonna be a bad day. And there literally isn’t any way to control it… Continue Reading →

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Merry Chrysler!

Merry Chrysler!

Merry Christmas guys! I want to keep this post short and sweet because honestly who the fuck wants to read this on Christmas but if you are then I respect you and you a real one. But anyway lol I know this year has been kinda very shite but it’s nearly over and we made it through so well done! I also hope you all still have a great Christmas even though I know a lot of us haven’t really felt very Christmasy lately which I don’t really know why and is kind of a shame but like oh well. Hopefully, we’ll fit the vibe check on the day.

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I’m not gonna say all the “it’s about giving not receiving” but like enjoying getting the gifts you deserve and earned. Don’t feel bad because you should be treated like royalty. Obviously, we all need to stay humble and be so grateful for what we get in life but know that as long as you react in the right way and focus on what is important, you can have nice things.

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I also predict that a lot of you will be reading this at the end of the night when you have your annual Christmas cry and I want you to know that it’s ok and you aren’t a weirdo. Christmas most likely went perfectly and for whatever reason, you are crying for at the moment, it will pass and everyone is ok. Usually, for me, it’s kinda like your emotions catch up with you because you are just non-stop all day, or you have hyped it up so much in your head that you are sad that it’s gone and you have to go back to normal life. There is also the fact that you feel as though you may not have been perky all night and you kind of overthink about what you did or said. I have found we all get this crying surge at the end of Christmas and you are just standing there like “ok what the actual fuck is wrong with me? Why am I crying on Christmas?” But honestly, it’s normal and you’ll get through it eventually.

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So I suppose I won’t keep you for much longer, but I hope you have an amazing day doing whatever it is you do on Christmas. Hopefully, it is all pretty much back to normal for you all and you get to enjoy something semi-normal this year. Let yourself enjoy this day and go out and have fun. Also here is a quick reminder for people who get really stressed out about presents and feeling bad because you don’t think you spent as much on them or gave as much as them, just know that they appreciate you so much and anything that shows you thought of them for even 1 second is probably so thrilled no matter what you give them. Don’t be so hard on yourself and I’m expecting to hear how your day went. I hope you have a great Christmas, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Do You Know What’s Weird? We Control Everything

In this post, I was originally going to talk about how the hour change is such a weird thing but then when I was thinking about what to talk about I just got into a spiral of how us humans basically run and control the world. Not as in like there is a control panel… Continue Reading →

The Butterfly Effect

What is the butterfly effect? It is the theory that even a tiny event, like a butterfly flapping its wings, can have a large impact in the future, like a hurricane. A lot of people also call it “the domino effect” because, as you know, when you hit one domino down, it hits them all… Continue Reading →

Your Parents Were 99.9% Right

I know this isn’t something you like to hear but it is true, your parents were 99.9% right. Not about everything, definitely not, but they were about this one thing that they told you when you were literally a foetus sized human being. And what is that? Well, do you remember when they would say… Continue Reading →

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Thank Goodness For Growing Up

People who have read my blog before (are absolute legends) will know that I really kinda hate growing up not because I want to be a rebellious teen (like I am right now for sure) forever but because I don’t want to be responsible for myself and to work and do adult shit. It seems pretty stressful if you ask me, but I’ll not get too into that because you can read literally any of my other posts to find out. Today I want to switch it up a bit by telling you, and you can guess from the title, why it is good to grow up. Btw I’m literally still a teen so I don’t know why I’m acting so wise, I just want to talk about some of the things I believed as a kid that I’m glad I now know. And yeah I was very gullible so don’t judge me, I swear I’ve changed my ways.

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First things first, I didn’t understand what it meant to be colourblind. So as a quick background check I need to say that my Dad is colour blind and… well that’s it. OH and I’m an idiot. So now you are all caught up let’s get back into the story. I think I was still in primary school, maybe I was 8, and I was very inquisitive, well at least on that day I was, and I randomly asked my dad what colours he was colour blind with (I don’t know if that is how you would say that but you get the point) and he was like “red and pink” and it might also be green but I’m not sure. Anyways, it was definitely red. So I sat back and was like “huh, pretty weird”, and being the bright child I was I looked at the red car in front of us and asked “so can you only see a floating number plate in front of us?” NO JOKE I SAID THAT and my dad being a dad he deadass said “yup” but then he started to laugh so I caught on but how fucking dumb am I! He should have just dropped me off at the side of the road and drove away because there must have been something wrong with me.

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This next story also links back to my dad which kind of gives me rust issues because this man raised me to be one big joke. And he succeeded in that I suppose. This story starts in LA and I was probably 10 or a bit older. We went to get a wee drink for a cute boba place that was supposed to be good. I never had it before and didn’t get one because I was a bit sceptical. Why? I’ll tell you why. Because when I asked my dad what boba was he tells me that it is frogspawn. Yup, he told me that boba is literal frog spawn and from the point forward I was kind of traumatized. I now know that it is not true but I have yet to try it. I haven’t had boba despite the fact I know he was lying because that will always be in the back of my head and I don’t think I could cope with that. So while this is mostly from my dad, I think my immaturity made me more gulable. Thanks, dad :/

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I have one last story that also links to things my dad made me believe and then I’m not gonna attack him for the rest of this post, but tbh this is on him. There is this photo of my mum and dad that they keep in their room which is them at a restaurant and I asked my dad where it was from. He told me it was from their honeymoon and I was like “cute” and moved on with my day. Then I think it was a few days later and I had been thinking about it, and with my absolutely wonderful imagination I came up with so many things that a honeymoon could be. So I asked my dad “is a honeymoon on an actual moon?” because that obviously makes a whole tonne of sense, and my dad said “yes”. But then I was like “well why does it say honey in the name?” and I kinda forget what he said but I’m sure it was something stupid. I just say that I did believe it for a while. Not years or anything but like for a week or two until I asked my mum and she told me the truth. I 100% believed my dad and I just thought that was where you went after you got married. To the literal honeymoon. I was very excited to go there one day when I was younger.

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Another reason I’m glad to have moved on with life is the eyebrows. I could leave it there but I don’t want you to think I’m THAT self-centred blonde bitch who has nothing else to think about except makeup. I just want you to know that I was a whole different person when I had no eyebrows and I see a glimpse of said person every time I wake up. Thank god for needing glasses though am I right, so at least I can’t really see myself when I get up in the morning, at least not well. I know that I mention my love for eyebrows a lot (literally to the point this could become a beauty blog) but being able to date pictures and videos as BE (before eyebrows) and AE (after eyebrows) is not as fun as it seems. I wish I could be blessed with flawless eyebrows as soon as I wake up, but life isn’t fair sometimes.

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Oh, and lastly before I leave, I’m glad I have matured and kinda become a new person (aka traumatized by life) because from 10BE to 1AE I was a deranged little shit. I was very crazy and outgoing and overly confident in some situations. I was acting like someone else to impress a boy and that isn’t even half of it. I was respectable and stuff, like I wasn’t rude, but I was pretending in order for some guy to like me. But now, in 5AE, I am single and socially awkward, mentally ill and tired of this shit…

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Ok so maybe I don’t want to grow up. Maybe it’s overrated. Nah, I’m just joking, it’ll get better and it’ll work out in the end. Life is fucking crazy with, you know, the whole pandemic but it will go away eventually, I think (update: I am also now out of my 10 day quarantine yay!). If you liked this post then don’t forget to follow, like and comment on what you think about growing up. What do you like about it? What do you hate? Spill the tea because I love to hear it. It would also be great if you could leave a review because I want to know if I’m on the right path with my content and it would mean a lot to me. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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The Method Guaranteed To Make a Lifelong Friend

I’m not someone who is overly confident, or confident in any sense of the word to be honest, but I have found that there is something that people say when I first talk to them that instantly makes me want to get to know them and be best friends. I have also only really recognised… Continue Reading →

Growing up: Expectations vs. Reality

I know that title makes me sound like I’m fucking ancient or some shit but like I am only 16. To be fair though this is me nearly becoming an adult and like is one of the biggest changes in life so I suppose I can talk about growing up. The difference between me now… Continue Reading →

Is 6th Year Really Worth It?

I’m in lower 6th and yes I have only been so for about 3 months but the thing is that I didn’t even know if I wanted to go back to that hell-hole. The only reason I did go was because I didn’t know what else to fucking do and I have FOMO so I… Continue Reading →

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Humans Haven’t Evolved For Shit

Humans Haven’t Evolved For Shit

For all the Ross Gellers of the world, I want you to know that I’m not some idiot that thinks the world is only 2021 years old. I understand the basics that we are completely different to what we were like billions of years ago, but my god surely there could have been more interesting features we could have evolved to have. Opposable thumbs? Pfft, who needs them. A brain that is one of the greatest things on the planet? I suppose. But that shit gets boring. I want to be able to literally regenerate a limb if it, for some reason, gets chopped off. I want to be able to see all spectrums of colour and hear all the wavelengths, but no, that’ll just kill me *eye roll*

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I have to admit that all of the things I said above could have been completely inaccurate in terms of the right terminology but oh my days if you are really that into this type of science then this post is just wasting your brain cells, but I do know that there are things our eyes can’t process or that we can’t hear so that was what I was trying to get across to you. Isn’t that crazy though? There are things that we can’t see or hear and it could literally be the answer to everything… well maybe not. I’m really making myself seem dumb but let me live a little. What are the things we can’t see? And how come after so many years we haven’t evolved to see them even a little bit. Crazy times I suppose but it would also make me 10 times more distracted than I usually am so maybe that’s a good thing.

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Back to my point, I want you to think of how long we have been on the planet, roughly… a fucking long time, so we have had plenty of time to evolve to do cool shit and survive all types of crazy crap, right? Yeah, well, you’d be sadly mistaken because we can barely survive a scrape on the knee. One infection and boom it’s chopped off. See that’s why we need to be able to grow another leg! But anyway, if we look at ourselves, a human, and then at a fucking chameleon, who is 10 times cooler? A chameleon obviously. Them hoes can change colour and just DIY themselves into whatever the fuck they want. How does that even happen by evolution? Were they just created like that? And they got crazy fucking eyes that just roll around and they can just eat a fucking fly with their long-ass tongue. They haven’t got a care in the world. I was also wondering if they change colour naturally or is it kind of another thing they do kind of like moving a thumb. You don’t have to think about it but it’s still you who controls it? I don’t know and I sure as hell know I’m not gonna search for it.

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So obviously we have evolved which is great and all but leads me to question what we were like ages ago. I would guess we were fragile fucks because even now we die from everything. Like millions of years ago would we trip and literally shatter our whole leg? That sounds dumb as fuck because they were literal cavemen who would go out hunting for their food, but did globalisation really make us turn out like the needy people we are today? I suppose we are definitely better than the cavemen and we have come very far. I know that for a fact, and I realise that when people say dumb shit like “I don’t need the vaccine, the cavemen survived without it”. Like how the fuck do you know Karen? When did you last talk to one? And last time I checked they basically had the lifespan of a fly. So they survived but also died within a second. So on second thought, we have improved a lot but also in a very boring way. If I could pick between living long and being able to literally camouflage into everything, I think it’s obvious what I’d choose.

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Talking about what I would prefer to have evolved into, I want to talk about some things that I think would be amazing to adapt to. Firstly, surviving high falls. Wouldn’t it be literal comedy gold if we could just fall off a cliff and fucking bellyflop on that hoe and then we’d be kinda bounced back onto our feet and continue walking? Like what the fuck. Even if we could float down like a leaf hahahahah imagine that. You literally flat Stanley that shit and get whipped around in the air until you reach the ground.

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Something else that quite literally would be cool is being able to hold our breath for ages. I am not saying to breathe underwater because pfft that’s just soooo unrealistic, but like surely through survival of the fittest there would be an increase in the number of people who can hold their breath for longer because, well I don’t know, people had to get fish for food and then the people with weak lungs would die and the ones with strong longs would live. I don’t know! I literally dropped all y sciences and gave up in life so I don’t know what the fuck I’m even talking about so don’t just me. But a lot of other living things can do it and even some that fucking live in the sea (tbh that’s kinda embarrassing for them to not be able to breathe underwater lol). They’ve just gotta hold their breath and hope for the best. Fair enough like, I am literally 16 years old and lose my breath walking up the stairs, but I’m gonna blame that on the covid for now.

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Despite the fact I just dissed the entire planet in one post, I think it is fair to say that we aren’t the worst in terms of how we have evolved. At least we can respect what we have become and created. What species am I talking about? The wolves. They really had a glow down for the most part. Don’t get me wrong they are hella cute and I love them but oh my days they have lost all their dignity. They should have stayed away from humans all those years ago for their own sake. But tell me how my dog came from a long line of strong, fearless wolves that would have to hunt and live outside when she fucking cries if she has to walk on the tile floor and barks at you if you don’t give her 100% attention? Make it make sense.

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Yeah, so that’s all for me now guys. But I want to leave you with one question? What will we look like in the next 20 billion years? Wanna hear my guess? Dead. Comment down below what you have to say about how we have evolved and how we might in the future and don’t forget to like and follow for more. It also really helps me out to know that you enjoy this content and it’s free so what’s the harm? Wow, I really hate how I sounded there. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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I Quit…Was It A Big Mistake?

So I would like to preface that I am a 16 year old who had a part-time job so obviously if you are like a mum of 5 or something and you are thinking about quitting, I would think it through a lot more than what I am going to mention but like just for… Continue Reading →

Alexa | Let’s Discuss It

You know. I’m not going to start slabbering about this hoe about the fact she might be listening to us, although I have a few creepy stories about that, or the fact she might be taking our personal information, because I mean why the fuck would anyone want to know that. Today I’m gonna talk… Continue Reading →

I’m not above a fight

See, I don’t really like it when people are cheeky to me. I mean you can be upfront and shout at me and I’ll be fine with that. My sisters have conditioned me to that. But if you are being passive aggressive or cheeky in front of me or behind my back, I won’t hesitate… Continue Reading →

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Let’s Discuss It | New Borns

Whenever you grow up and someone says they have a “face only a mother could love”, that person is, one, a bitch, but two, speaking facts because, after the first time she sees her new-born baby, there is no way it can get any worse, so no matter what they look like when they grow up they will look better than when they were born. And that is what I wanted to talk about today because I feel like it really just has been ignored. Yeah, we could focus on the miracle of life, but I’m done with that shit, it’s time to talk about the truth. Why the hell do people think babies who have just departed from the womb are cuties? No! Stop. Just… stop.

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Maybe its because I’m not a mum and that would make sense but I’ve seen enough youtube vlogger families who show way to much of their life to know that, and I’m sorry to all the babies out there, that they are absolutely mingin’. I know they just came out from inside of you (trust me you can tell) but why they gotta look like that. Then they gotta shove it in the mum’s face as though she hasn’t been through enough already. Leave her alone! For me, I would want to see my baby after they had a full-blown bath and was all clean and shit because, preferably, I don’t want my baby to smell like my literal uterus when I see them first. Just me?

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But I do have to admit I find it ridiculous in movies where they don’t have the baby looking like it just came back from the war because it’s just more accurate. Some movies are just crazy because they make babies look like they come out of you with a hat, a blanket, and fucking diploma. Even though it may not look the nicest on the screen, you gotta be accurate because if that was all we knew then some parents would be pretty fucking scared when they have their first kid. How do movies make babies look like new-borns, maybe some are fake but then the need to b crying so they’ll probs need a real baby or do they literally cover it in fake blood with some extra shit on it? That’s gonna keep me up at night.

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It’s so funny though whenever she has just popped a baby out and then the person with them is like “He has your eyes”. Hands down the most offensive thing because I can barely tell his ass from his face right now. I’d just start crying and going “why would you even say that to me *sniff* who the fuck even gave me this baby, it’s sticky”. Maybe my reactions are a bit dramatised but it just shocks me how weird they look yet the parent’s always think it is the cutest thing in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I bet that when I have kids I’ll completely disagree with everything that I just said in this post, but for the record I just want say that babies look freaking weird.

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You gotta give it to me, they do look like potatoes… slimey potatoes… bloody slimey potatoes. I’m sure they’ll look cute after a wash but only then. It can be motiving to you as well because when you look at yourself in the mirror you can say to yourself with no word of a lie that your looks have improved. Take that as you will I suppose because maybe your thinking I’m just one big piece of shit who is a baby hater, but I’m not. I just don’t think we should lie any longer by saying that every day-old or two day-old baby is cute. They will be, so call me back after a few days, but for now I’ll keep my distance.

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You know what, I bet you that after the trauma of child birth anything would look good. Like at that point nothing could be worse than what you just went through so your baby probably looks like Jesus or something so I guess that’s fun. I guess I’ll have to find out but if it’s alright with you I’m gonna wait another while because I gotta find me cute first because if you can’t love yourself, then how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Don’t forget to like, comment what you think, and follow for more content like this. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Train wreck of thought

I haven’t posted in a while, obviously, and I ain’t gonna explain why because it’s more boring than you think. It’s not like I went on a fucking trip to the Bahamas despite the fact I hope to go there some day if corona ever goes away. But anyways, a lot has happened like me… Continue Reading →

Makeup and Me

First of all, to the people who are in the comments right now saying “It’s makeup and I, not makeup and me” literally take you Hermione Granger ass outside or “I” will personally make Jeff Bezos land his fucking dick rocket on you. I mean would you slate Marley and Me for the grammar issue?… Continue Reading →

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The Christmas Spirit Is a Curse

The Christmas Spirit Is a Curse

Whoever said Christmas is about giving, not receiving is fucking right because bitch do I GIVE! Now I ain’t tryna brag and be like oh my days I’m so unlucky that I have to/can spend money to get stuff for my family, but like I’m just saying that I am acting as though I’ve got the cash to do it. By the end of the year, my only new year’s resolution is to not go overboard next Christmas, but we can all relate when I say this never works out. When it gets to Christmas time I just get the image in my head that when my family come down the stairs on Christmas morning that they will say “fuck you” to Santa’s gifts and go straight to mine because they know that it’s gonna be something amazing. Sadly, it comes at an expense

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The truth is, I am shite at presents (apart from this year I actually got some pretty good ones if I say so myself) so I don’t know why I always have such a high expectation for myself. The Christmas cheer basically makes me want to spend what I have. If I was one of those people I would say Christmas music is magic and actually makes me want to spend more and it is all a government plan to fix the economy. Lol, watch all the Karens get triggered. But no, I don’t know why I buy some of the things that I buy. Somebody tell me why the fuck I justify purchases like “my dog has been needing a Gucci belt actually”. Make it make sense. Most of the time I will be digging in the depths of my mind for a gift idea because it needs to be the best but that means it is usually some shit that they don’t even remember. I swear my twin will open her gift and be like “thanks, but why the fuck?” and I’ll be like “do you not remember the time you said you really wanted that” and she’ll be like “umm, no. When?” and then I’ll be like “when we were in the womb, silly”. Like it really is not ok for me.

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Seriously though, who do I think I am? Kim K? I’ll be over here splashing the cash like I’m in a water park. I literally never buy anything throughout the year because I literally have a phobia or some shit, but then by November/December time, the concept of being financially responsible has no significance to me. I will have literally spent a fuck tonne and be like “yeah I’ve got most of my gifts but I still need to add a few things and then I’m done”. My friends are probably over here like bitch where the fuck are you pulling this from because last week you couldn’t seem to find the spare change for a fucking train ticket (in my defence they are bloody expensive nowadays).

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One of the saviours for both me and my pocket is that my friends and I do a secret Santa so that we only have to buy 1 gift instead of gifts for everyone. To be honest, this could turn into a whole other post because that shit gets difficult when you got a twin in the same friend group, but I’ll leave that for another time if you want to hear about it. I also seem to get the same person every fucking time so at this point, I have no clue what else to get her. There are only so many inside jokes that can be made into a gift and I also want it to be something good. That shit is stressful for real but at least we got a price limit so we know that nobody gonna get a fucking grape when they just gave someone an iPhone.

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One last thing that really needs to be mentioned about the whole Christmas situation that you kinda forget about is having to open presents in front of people. This is the day of having to overemphasize your reactions because you gotta give that Christmas cheer. The truth is, I’ll be looking like the grinch tryna smile so much. Even if I like the gift I’ll have to fake so much excitement as though my life led up to that very moment. Let me show you the script that I am nominating for an oscar award:

*opens gift until I can just make out what it is*
me: *inhales the entire room in shock* Oh my god! This is so cool! *eyes wider than humanly possible* I’ve literally wanted this for ages! Thank you so much *finishes unwrapping the gift and holds it up to look at it at all angles while having my mouth wide open* This is so amazing, thank you so much for this pair of white socks!

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And scene… How did you like it? Pretty amazing right? I’ll let you guys use that one, on the house of course. It does have to be a whole big thing though doesn’t it and it makes it seem so fake even though you probably did like it. You just gotta let everyone feel appreciated but to be honest, unless it’s a life, I won’t be reacting like that for real. I appreciate everything, don’t get me wrong, but I’m just tryna act like I didn’t cry all night so that’s all I can deal with at the moment. Thank you.

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Anyways, a good side is that I have ‘rona (please read t the end of this sentence so that doesn’t sound bad) so Imma just says I need to wear a mask and then I won’t have to act so much. I’ll just act with my eyes. But yeah, please do comment below if your spending budget goes out the fucking window, neigh, out the fucking ozone layer, whenever it is Christmas time or if Christmas morning is actually really stressful for you. Don’t forget to like and follow as well for more content like this. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Back To School. Could I be bothered?

The answer is no, but it is also a bit more complicated than that. Do I like the first day of school where everything is new, you get the new time tables, new classes, new teachers? Yes, you could say that. But in general, I really could not be arsed to go back. Lately when… Continue Reading →

Do You Know What’s Weird? Eyes

Because I am SUCH an expert in this field, I am going to talk about all aspects. That directly translates to, I think about this shit a lot and think it would be weird to have “eyebrows, eyelashes, eyes and under eyes” in the title. So I guess we’ll get into it, but first I’m… Continue Reading →

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2 COVID Tests and a Christmas in Quarantine

12 days ’til Christmas and my true love gave to me, a big fucking mess. I mean what the actual hell. Here I am with a bit of a sore head and a stuffy nose and then I take a wee lateral flow test before I go out to Ju-Jitsu but then the 2nd line pops up faster than Borris Johnson can answer a simple question. And I just looked at it like “oh shit” (the test that is, not Borris) and I was praying that it would just be the one line at the T so that means that it was just a faulty test so I waited and eventually the line came up next to the C and then I really panicked. I have never seen the T line come up so much quicker than the C line. What a fucking joke because I was second guess what I was actually looking at. But no that bitch was setting up camp and was not gonna leave any time soon. So I took another one and the exact same thing happened. The lines were not playing today.

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The covid must have been bouncing off the fucking walls because it came up positive so fast. I was kind of planning to get positive school results but the fucking coronavirus… that’s just unnecessary. And to be honest I had never really been nervous about it before but when I got the positive result I was so scared. Not for me to be honest like I’ll get over it but just for literally ruining Christmas. I will get out of quarantine before then but we just had so many plans with family and stuff and now I am making everyone miss it. How crap is that?! If it was any other time of year, apart from summer, it would be fine but of course, it never is.

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I do sound like an ungrateful bitch because this is probably not even half as bad as it could be and I do realise that I am very lucky but I’m the first in the family that we know of so it’s just a bit scary you know and I feel bad too. I thought that being the unsocial human being I am that I would be fine, but no. So like where the fuck did I get it from? I don’t even know. I only went to school and I went babysitting for one day but the kid was asleep so I wasn’t near him and his mum was away/not near me when I was at their house. I was also at my close friend’s house on Sunday but they are all negative and I’m guessing I had it then, but like that’s lucky if none of them gets it. Here is me literally like “hOw DiD I GeT cOvId? I dIdN’t EvEn Go OuT” but then continues to list the busiest week I have had this year. That is sad for me to admit but that just shows I was never really out and about with people before.

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I have just gotten a PCR test this morning so these will have the official results and hopefully will tell me what strand it is. I don’t know why I’m so dumb, but I’m still thinking there is a chance it comes back negative. THANK FUCK if it is but literally I took 2 lateral flows and they both came back positive within seconds. I just don’t want it anymore. I want to go back for the last week of school!! I mean put me on camera and call me annaxsitar because I don’t want it.

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So yeah, I don’t really know what to do anymore and I guess I’ll keep you updated on the results but it just feels so weird how I am gonna be part of the statistics now. I have never got it or been friends with someone who got it before so it’s really different and I just wish this was just a really bad dream and that I would wake up and be like “thank fuck” because I just regret everything. I don’t even know what to regret though because I don’t know where I got it. So I guess make sure that you take regular tests and be safe. I mean I’ll be fine but just think about the others who aren’t gonna be as lucky if they get it.

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I hope you enjoy this post and please do comment below if you or anyone you know has/had covid because I’m sure there are a lot but I’m not really sure what to do at the moment. I’m lucky that I’m young and healthy so please don’t think I am being ungrateful and attention-seeking, it’s just a bit confusing at the moment but thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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I Got My Results and I Feel…

I got my GCSE results yesterday and to be honest, I feel the same fucking way I felt last week. I mean there was no big sigh of relief or weight off my shoulders. I didn’t turn ecstatic, it was just another part of my day. Like it was literally just reading letters on a… Continue Reading →

Social Media If They Were People pt.1

Bare with me on this one guys because I know the title makes it sound dumb as fuck, but we need to address this shit. I will literally make everything make sense to you because I know you know this but you don’t know that you know it yet, if that makes sense. Basically, you… Continue Reading →

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After 7 Years I’m Not Sure My Pet Is A Dog

I know what you are thinking, “what the fuck does your dog look like”. But it isn’t because of that. She is literally the cutest thing you will ever see, well… apart from at the moment because she just got a haircut that made her hella ugly, but it’s fine it’ll grow back. The thing is that she literally has the personality of everything BUT a dog. Like she is just so confusing in terms of literally every part of her and we love it and wouldn’t change her for the world but I also kinda feel like we picked up the wrong pet. I don’t know what happened but this bitch does not match the product description. I’ll keep her but like what? Anyways, I am sure you are all very confused by what I am talking about so I’m just gonna get into it. Don’t forget to comment down below what you think is wrong with my ‘dog’ or if your dog is just as weird.

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Cow

I ain’t tryna be rude or anything but this bitch is just a small cow. I’ll let her outside and one second later she’ll be tearing up the grass like it’s a fucking dance floor. It’s scary to be honest because she is so tiny but the amount of energy and movement and creepy noises that she lets out is honestly demonic, which funnily enough is one of her other personalities I’m going to mention later. It does be kinda funny though because my dad gets so pissed. He’ll have just perfectly cut every blade of grass separately so they are the exact same height and this hoe will fly out and eat that shit like popcorn, so before you know it there are just patches in our garden and in the corner there is just this tiny dog with green grass stains on her beard (she is a miniature schnauzer btw).

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It is quite the sight I must admit and I suppose it’s a talent. Like no joke I think she has worked out that it can help her to stop and turn whenever she is going really fast. No joke she will run like a mad thing and then if she wants to pull a wee sneaky turn, she’ll munch the grass so that her body will swing around and she can turn without having to stop or slow down. It’s so funny and I can’t even describe it which frustrates me, but just imagine this dog is running at full speed and just full-on head buts the ground and goes spinning into a completely different direction and then just runs into the night. It is honestly confusing. She seems to like it too. Sometimes if we are just standing around and she gets a bit bored she will deadass just sit on the grass and nibble on it like it’s a fucking chicken wing.

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Deer

To be fair, this part of her is so cute and actually makes me die inside with the amount of joy I feel. So anyway, there used to be this field near our house that we called ‘the long grass field’ (wow how original, how thought-provoking) and we loved to go there because my dog would just run around and would have to leap everywhere just so she could see where she was going. Literally, sometimes we would be like “oh shit where did she go” and then we would have to wait until she leapt up again. And let me tell you, that bitch can jump. Not just like on her back legs but she does it straight from standing so she is just like a fucking deer that is prancing around and shit. It’s so funny because you can just tell she is an absolutely loving life. I wonder what that feels like :/

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Cat

Not only do I see her in this way as she is a scaredy-cat, but also because she can be such a bitch sometimes. She can give one hell of a side-eye and make you get flashbacks from high school when these bitches would be slabbering (which I suppose is my present lol) but it is literally so funny because you could just be sitting there and you would breathe weirdly and you can just feel the judgement radiating off her. Like what the fuck did I do to you? The level of disrespect is astronomical. She just sits there and judges you as if she didn’t just literally lick her ass in the middle of the living room. She has got some nerve.

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She is also slinky as fuck at some points. Usually whenever she is lying down and comfy, or like she’s just in a mood where she can’t be arsed to do anything. So you just try to pick her up and she won’t try to stop you but she won’t try to help you either. Like you know when you try to pick up a cat and it just seems like they are just stretching because you can lift up their belly as much as you want but they are still gonna have 4 paws on the ground. You could be flinging that bitch around but no matter what they still gonna be standing. Well, that is basically my dog and, to be honest, it’s a vibe.

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Statue

This pretty much just goes against everything I said in my last post, but as we are establishing in this post, she can shapeshift real quick. One moment she is a liquid, the next she’s a bloody ancient statue. It is so weird though because for such a small dog she has so much strength. Like I just know she got some abs or some shit. I swear I’ll come downstairs someday and she’ll be on the weights and singing “it’s about drive it’s about power, we stay hungry we devour. Put in the work, put in the hours and take what’s ours”. Literally no joke.

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Honestly, I think the perfect way to describe my dog is oobleck. Like I just realised that and honestly, it is the only way to fully understand what she is like. If you are just tryna pick her up gently, she’ll just turn to liquid, but if you fucking PUNCH HER IN THE FA… Nah, I’m just joking lol. But if you are walking her on the leash and she just stops, you better know that you’ll be wiped out like a cillet bang commercial “bang and the dirt is gone”. Genuinely it confuses me because she will not move at all. I get scared that someday she will genuinely break her neck because I never really walk that fast but the level of force she gives off when she just stops out of nowhere could literally break the leash.

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She also gets like that when you put a coat on her or literally any sort of clothing that isn’t her collar. That kinda is sad though because she would look hella cute if she wore a Halloween costume or a little raincoat. Like it is just too adorable, but then when you do she’ll do the side-eye glare and literally stand in that one spot until you take it off her. No joke, one time I put her towel over her and then left the room and then my mum said when she came down an hour or so after, she was still standing in the same spot with the towel over her. That’s stubborn as fuck but I respect that.

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Person

I don’t really know how to explain this very well because it is more of an energy that she gives off. Like you just look at her and how she moves and interacts and she is just a human. She likes to sit up with us at the dinner table (although my dad will never allow her cheeky fuck) and although this is basic for all dogs, when you say her name and start talking to her she will keep looking at you as though she is understanding what we say. Don’t get me wrong there is literally nothing going on behind those eyes, but it’s the thought that counts I guess.

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She also loves to be around people and I know that is just a basic thing for dogs, but it isn’t always for the attention. Don’t get me wrong she is a bit of an attention seeker but after a while, she will just sit down somewhere, usually on the armchair, and just be another person who is listening to all the convos going on. To be honest, though all these examples are a bit of a stretch, but I can’t really think of a way to show you what I mean. She just has so much emotion that you are kinda like “you were a whole ass human in another life”. If she barks and you ignore her, you better know damn well that she’ll jump up next to you and full-on smack you in the face. That isn’t even a joke though. Like it is good that I wear glasses because that bitch comes out of nowhere and just fly kicks you in the face. It’s cute though I guess.

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Demon

Kind of adding onto the last thing I said, she can be rude as fuck. She will get what she wants and she will do whatever it takes to get it. It is cute at the start but then you are just like “would you literally stop hitting me with your sharp ass nails bitch”. She also gives demon vibes whenever she gets really energetic and gets the zoomies or whatever the fuck that is called. You know when they just go mental and run around everywhere and bark at nothing? Yeah well, that’s it. But you can see it build up. She kinda leans back and goes really close to the floor and her ears are literally plastered t the back of her head. Then her eyes got really wide and her mouth slowly opens and then she just goes ballistic.

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It’s so funny though because I’ll be walking and then all of a sudden this happens and she is basically spinning around as though she’s about to fucking take off. And sometimes she just can’t stop herself because she is so fast and then literally runs right into a wall or a fence and she’ll get humbled real quick. I just laugh, to be honest, but then she gets started again. And it’s embarrassing when people walk by and you’re trying to convince them that you aren’t stealing this dog and they are in fact a good girl. She is a cutie though and she would never hurt a fly, or rather she could never hurt a fly. That bitch small as fuck.

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Elephant

I compare my dog to an elephant not only because she has massive ears and is literally so cute, but also because her nose is fucking powerful. Not even joking, there was this one time that I went to pick her up from her wee doggy daycare thing and when I got there I knocked and was waiting for someone to answer and I heard something really weird. I genuinely got scared for a moment because I thought there was a hurricane or some shit starting up. Genuinely it went on for like a minute and my heart was beating but then it stopped and I looked in the door and it was my fucking dog. She deadass was sniffing the hell out of the door. I nearly started pissing myself because I had never heard anything like it. She was tryna smell if it was me but she nearly sucked me in at the strength she was sniffing at. You look at her and think she is the most harmless thing ever but the things that come out of that wee body is frightening.

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Soap

This one is completely different to all the other things but if I’m gonna be honest with you, this is hands down the most accurate. Tell me why Miss girl turns into fucking Bambi whenever she walks on anything that isn’t carpet? Like that isn’t a joke. It’s as though bloody Frozone swooped in just when she goes to walk. And she genuinely is scared though and it’s so stupid because she will put herself into an awkward situation. She will deadass jump out of her bed and walk into the kitchen, which has tiled floors, then the next second she’s barking like she’s got a problem with us. But tell me why she can waddle into the kitchen just fine, but when it’s time to head back, she ain’t never walked before. Like, make it make sense bitch!

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I do have to admit that when she walks she can literally wipe herself onto the ground. I have expected a referee to come out and confirm a knockout because she hits the floor like a brick. Other times she just runs like a cartoon where she is moving her legs so fast but doesn’t get anywhere. It’s so funny because you can see she is trying to be so careful but then all of a sudden she just blasts off but literally doesn’t go anywhere for a solid 5 seconds. It is so funny. But do you want to hear her solution? Walking backwards. That isn’t even a joke. Hands down that are what she does. She will turn her ass around and back it up like a fucking truck. But it works so I guess that’s fair enough.

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Anyways, I kinda feel bad about slabbering about my dog for a hot minute but it’s all the truth, to be honest. Maybe that’s why she glares at me… oh well. Please comment down below if your dog does any of these things and if you are a professional please tell me what the hell is up with her. Whether or not she is a dog I don’t care because she is still the cutest thing you’ll ever see and I’d fight you on it. Don’t forget to like and subscribe for more. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Let’s Discuss Billie Eilish’s New Album (2021)

To quote the bible, “God said let there be light, and he created Billie Eilish”, or at least that is my interpretation. And with this light, the best songs, fan groups, vibes and album’s thrived. I know I am a bit late guys because her album came out around 4 days ago but these things… Continue Reading →

Something I Realized About Being a Waitress

I’m going to try and keep this post quite small, kind of like the size of the tips people give. Yup, that is what I am talking about today and I would like to preface that this is in the most respectful way possible. I don’t feel this way towards young teen or people struggling… Continue Reading →

I Think I Know Why I’m So Stupid

Ok so look, I haven’t been posting in a bit because I’m busy and all that shit. Wow, I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it. Anyways, I reckoned I would post something today while I have the chance and I wanted to do a wee story time or something. And this will be… Continue Reading →

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Shocking Event That United The UK More Than Ever

Now I’m not someone who gets political, not even when it comes to Brexit taking our magic stars, but this phenomenon has to be mentioned. It is absolutely mental how this one thing has united the countries within the UK more than anything else. I feel we have actually joined as a team to create this strong movement that actually helped us achieve our goal. But without further ado, I won’t leave you hanging on the topic for too long. It’s “I’M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!”

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I’m not an avid watcher of the news, but I can tell you that not even the weatherman could have predicted this. The UK has actually joined together to improve our daily entertainment. I am gonna assume that all of you reading this today will be familiar with the show, but I’ll give a quick wee run-down for you all. *clears throat* So a tall man and a short man host a reality TV show where 12 celebrities are made to stay in the jungle (or, because of covid, a castle in wales which tbh makes it kinda shite) where they are made to face trials with a bunch of gross crap, and they can also only eat rice and beans but can win stars in trials that will win them food for the camp. So that’s the quick recap of the whole topic of the show, but I’ll give a wee sentence about what has happened so far that has made the entire UK work together. *deep breathe* there is a guy called Naughty Boy who is obsessed with planning to leave the camp and he is really bloody annoying and I feel he is on drugs (he literally made a robin friend) but now everybody votes him in the trials to try and humble him and because he gets really annoyed and that is good TV.

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I'm a celebrity 2021 naughty boy arguing
This is naughty boy
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That was all a bit fast but I mean what do you want me to do? Just go watch it yourself biotch. It is good though but I’m not gonna get into the full-on fucking review because that isn’t what I do here. I’m here to talk about the absolutely hilarious situation that kinda shocks me and makes me laugh so much. So you know what I said about how Naughty boy is kinda very annoying and causes drama for no fucking reason? Well yeah, the entire UK has caught onto that on the very first day and we subconsciously decided we were gonna target him. I guess you could say that we are the people in school who always winds up the quiet kid and laugh when they literally go crazy. It is fun though I have to admit.

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And for all those people who are reading this now and going down to the comments to say how I should be ashamed of myself, I’m gonna stop you real quick and tell you the facts. This man literally did one trial and his head went all over the place. No joke he didn’t stop talking about how he wanted to leave the camp before he even put his foot in the door and was going on like “uhh, just remember that those people say they love you but they don’t really” and “they are the reason I left, just remember that”. Bitch you haven’t even breathed the same air as them yet. You gotta go and turn everyone against these lovely people, but then when people get annoyed at you you’re shocked like “Woah Woah”. Just go and live with your bloody robin already because it’s getting old real quick.

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naughty boy being annoying I'm a celebrity 2021
You can just how done with his shit they are
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I do have to say that I think all the trials he has had to do have really humbled him. I don’t think he is a considerate human being yet, but he is getting there. Is he really fucking slow? Like literally physically slow and aloof with everything he does? Yes, and it will forever annoy me (literally no joke though he is like one of the really slow people you can’t get past on the street). But I think he is definitely slightly less shit than at the start. Maybe I and the rest of the UK can start to ween him off the trials. Give him a little more wiggle room to see how he copes again. If he starts working up again we’ll send him straight back in, but if he has genuinely grown the fuck up, then we’ll give him a second chance. We are reasonable like that.

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Still, though, I find it so crazy how the whole of the UK just had the same idea. We can’t agree on shit but we can agree on this. And it was literally without being mentioned at all. I didn’t see anything about him on Instagram, Twitter, literally anywhere never mind talking about making him do all the trials. For all I know this is the first time you have read about him. To be fair I think I kinda did clickbait everyone and probably ended up with a bunch of politics reading this, but if you ask me this is definitely more interesting and relevant. It do be crazy though because we aren’t all that different. We all know an idiot when we see one and we all know what to do with one when we do. And that is to make him drink weird shit and embarrass himself on TV. We do love drama I gotta admit.

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Tell me in the comment section if you want me to keep you all in the loop with anything to do with I’m a celeb because I do watch it every night and it is some craic I must admit. Actually, I do have to speak up about yesterday’s episode so if anyone isn’t wanting spoilers then why are you reading this? The fuck. So yeah, anyway, why the fuck did Kadeena leave? I literally wrote about how the whole of the UK was finally on the same page but then you gotta go and fuck it up. Like you know she deserves to be there. To be fair I didn’t want either of the two girls to leave but like oh my day’s guys you gotta pull yourself together man. I just realised that is why people want you to vote so bad… wow. So yeah guys get your fucking phone out and save the good ones.

Get It Together GIF - Ednamode The incredibles Abusive GIFs ...
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I hope you liked this post and let me know if you are keeping up to date with I’m a celebrity. Gotta love a little bit of Ant and Dec. Don’t forget to like and subscribe for more content just like this which I try to post every other day. I hope you have a great day stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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The Olympics: Awkwardness Unlocked

So I was just watching the opening ceremony or the Olympics and I’m sorry but like how awkward would that be. Especially for the people that work there and just wave as they walk down and have to act as though people are watching them but like really nobody is. And then the actual athletes… Continue Reading →

I Hate Genes

To any foetus child out there who is like what the fuck are genes, basically they are the characteristics that we get from our parents and they make up who we are and what we look like. For example, I inherited my dad’s white ass Irish skin which burns like a bitch whenever a bloody… Continue Reading →

Who Else Is Pissed At Forrest Gump’s Mum?

Bitch, I don’t know much about this movie. I mean I’ve watched it and I know the general plot but like the only thing that sticks with me to this day and the phrase that every organism is aware of is when he says “mama says life is like a box a chocolates, you neve’… Continue Reading →

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Rating English From A Native Speaker

Those who have read my blog before will understand and agree with me when I say I don’t know shit about writing good in English. Lol, that was a joke, but I am still pretty bad at it. I constantly have Grammarly on when I type and either the whole sentence is fucking underlined in red or (because I have the free version) it just goes orange and stares at me obnoxiously. I’ll tell you what though, I’ve really put them to the test and for the free version, I would highly recommend (not sponsored lol). I also think that if you were to hear me speak that you would be like “shit she wasn’t lying” because I literally forget what words are in different tenses and I kid you not I literally forgot the word tenses and was just gonna write past, present and future timings. That’s embarrassing for me

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I wanted to give some examples of the things that I get mixed up with especially in terms of the tenses because you might be thinking “what is this bitch talking about”. The truth is I just overthink it and when you actually think of words and grammar it just fucks with your mind. My first conundrum of the day isn’t actually to do with tenses so sorry to get your hopes up I guess, but it’s the way that “funner” isn’t a word. Who the hell decided on that? Like that isn’t even funny. But do you know what is worse than the word funner not existing? The fucking dictionary-ass people who have the audacity to remind you. Mind your damn business because while you might mind it fun to do, it’s a whole lot funner to shut your mouth. Like it ain’t funny though tbh. Can you really look me in the face and tell me I give a shit about grammar? No

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I would also like to slightly redeem my dignity by saying I’m not crap at languages because I actually am pretty good at Spanish if I do say so myself. Por ejemplo… hola. Jokes I actually do really enjoy Spanish and I learn it in school and shit. I’m not just saying that to brag but I do have a point. I think I am crap at English because I have been studying a completely new language and having to learn all types of tenses and think about all the different grammar crap that comes with it. I swear to god I have never heard or realized I’ve been using all these tenses. There’s the pluperfect, imperfect, preterite, conditional and so much more. That has meant that I’ve been more focused on what we have to do for English and now I’m so fucking thankful that it’s my first language. It causes me to have a mental breakdown so I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like.

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What’s the whole deal with the fucking copycat words like there, their and they’re or right and write or your and you’re. It’s a whole big thing for no goddamn reason! Honestly, how do you do it though? Surely it’s so confusing and just when you think you get the hang of it they turn up with a whole new rule book. Like where you put the apostrophe to show possession and then what to do if there is more than one person. I literally don’t even know it myself and I just guess. I mean it’s a 50/50 chance that I’ll get it right and the majority of the time I’ve got autocorrect to help but I don’t know what I’m gonna do when I gotta write shit for real. My boss will probably read my CV and just cry at it. I’ll just be there like “Hello, I’m the greatest for this job because I can talk good to customer’s and listen more good than any other person who you hiring.” I’ll literally give them a seizure and then be like “NO OH!”

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Thank fuck there aren’t any accents in English though because that would be the last straw for me. Apostrophes are enough for me and although Spanish quite literally has accents in it, I can just about forgive them because they only go one away/are a squiggle. I did French for a few years in school and my mental health was going up and down just like the fucking accents because I couldn’t for the life of me figure them out. And then you’d have to pronounce them too. Obviously, that would get easier but my vocal abilities are so limited that I might as well be some new category like ditone because I’m not quite monotone but I find it hard to fluctuate mid-word. It would drain me literally. That reminds me, I also don’t know the difference/when to say literally or figuratively. I also have to admit that the only reason I can remember the difference between inferring and imply is through The Simpsons because Lisa said something and then Homer was like “what are you inferring?” Then Lisa was like “no, I imply, you infer” and then Homer was like “oh thank god”. I might actually still get that wrong but until I’m told otherwise I will say it like that

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Although we may not have accents on our words, we just had to go and add ‘silent letters’ to shit. That actually makes me speechless because you can not convince me that isn’t the biggest prank in the world. And then there are also words with like double n’s and double ss’s and at that point, I give up. No joke because I know that there should be double of something but I don’t know where. Mississippi… excuse me? No. Pteridactal. Where was the need? It doesn’t add any significance to the word by making it have a random letter. There is no point. Again, if English wasn’t my first language I would not even try. Like why is English somehow the default language? Who decided that. I mean I am very lucky to have it as my first language and that a majority of the people I will ever talk to also know/have learned English so I don’t really have to learn another language which when you think about it is a privilege and makes me sound like a bitch. Surely there is a nicer language to be the default. I think Spanish should be because it’s just so fun to speak and sounds good. Like the Northern Irish accent makes me gag. It is fucking awful and that’s partly why I wouldn’t make a podcast.

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I would also like to add that I have the most basic vocabulary out of everyone on this planet. That isn’t even a joke because I remember when we transitioned from Primary school to high school and in English class or just when you talked to people they would come out with these big words and I’m here trying to sound out Wed-nes-day. I am gonna blame my primary school on that one because I mean they weren’t the best but they got me where I needed to be. It did suck though because I basically had to sit with a dictionary to comprehend what they were saying and then when it came to like exams or just talking in general the thesaurus became my literal bible. Do I remember any of them? No, that shit goes through one ear and out the other, but I just cared less and realised that if they wanna talk their own bloody language then they can go ahead and do that because I’m gonna stay here and be proud that I got the word ‘comprehend’ into this post.

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One last thing that I wanted to talk about before I closed off on this post is something that I guess can happen with all languages, but it’s just when you say a word so many times that it sounds so weird. I just searched it up and found out that the word for this is ‘Semantic Satiation’ which sounds so freaky. Do you get that? I swear even if I say a word twice within the same minute it will seem like a completely different language. It’s because you never think of it and it’s only when you realise you’ve been saying it a lot that you focus on it and then you realise that English is fucking weird. Words like ‘fork’ or ‘kettle’ are just so random. They would be the type of words that you would giggle at with your friends because it sounds so weird. Yes, we were fucking annoying.

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Anyways, that’s all I can really talk about without getting freaked out by my own words and thoughts so I guess I will leave you to it. If you are someone who is currently learning or is fluent in English as their second language, please do comment below and tell me what you feel because I can’t even begin to imagine how crazy it must sound. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Summer In The UK Is No Fucking Joke

You see, I have been to Florida, California, Turkey, Spain and some other places and they have all been really warm. Like obviously they were roasting places, but not one of them (well, maybe Florida) roasted or toasted me like the UK does. It’s as if the sun piled up all it’s heat that is… Continue Reading →

The Best Part About Having Great Friends

Now, I ain’t tryna rub this in anyone’s face or nothing but like, I have a small group of really close friends and despite the fact it took me a while to get over myself and make friends, it was totally worth it because we are so close. We have never had fights like everyone… Continue Reading →

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Which Sense of Humour Do You Have?

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I think that to start this post we need to figure out what the word “humour” really means. I’m no Oxford dictionary but in my opinion, it is the things we find funny and that we enjoy making/hearing jokes about. Nothing fancy just a basic bitch definition. I guess now that is out of the way, we can start to get into it. I will also mention some of the ones that I would fit myself into which I suppose is multiple but we can all relate at some points. Don’t forget to tell us in the comment section what sense of humour you have.

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Dark Humour

We are all familiar with what dark humour is, but for all the idio- people out there I will explain. It’s basically when you find things that are supposed to be serious, and are quite morbid, to be funny. It can also be quite smart and well thought through despite the fact it was off the cuff and that makes it a bit worrying because you may find it funny but you also like “oh shit is this person ok” or “oh shit is this person going to kill me”. But at that point, it is a judgement call and in my experience, it’s just a coping mechanism.

I will now give you all a few examples which I actually am scared might offend someone in some way. Not as in they are gonna be offensive but like I don’t want people to be like “that was really disrespectful” or some shit. But THAT IS DARK HUMOUR and you better get over yourself bitch!

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  • Where did sally go when the bomb went off?
    everywhere.
  • This is just a general statement, but like if someone were to hurt themselves then someone with a dark sense of humour would laugh. Like it do be funny though. Kids be falling and tripping for no god damn reason
  • This example isn’t a phrase either but it’s from a video and literally makes me piss myself because it’s so funny but there is this video of this blind girl who is talking with this news presenter and they are talking about everything the girl has achieved in her life and the presenter goes “is there anything you can’t do” just because she is so amazing and the girl dead ass says “see”
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Sarcastic Humour

This humour is my cuppa tea but it’s also a wee bit risky if I say so myself. Like you gotta be careful who you say this too. It can sometimes come with a little bit of truth and may actually expose yourself a wee bit too but the added risk is fun I suppose. But what is it? It’s basically just saying something but not really meaning it. I guess you know what sarcasm is and it’s basically that but making it. It’s an art form, to be honest (that was kind of an example of sarcasm but like it’s also hard to get across in text so it takes a bit of expression and tone as well. Don’t ask me why I am developing this shit so much). This is my go-to when it comes to joking with friends and to be honest it makes up my whole personality trait to the point that it isn’t humour anymore, it’s just down-right sad.

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Yeah but enough of that I suppose. Let’s get into a few wee examples. To be honest, they make up the majority of my posts because I just find everything a joke, for example, my life, and this can also slot into another sense of humour that I mention later. These are also kinda one-liners and a bit situational so like you kinda had to be there so like if you don’t find them funny please don’t attack me because I will in fact cry 🙂

two spidermen pointing meme
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  • Friend “can you help me with something”
    Me “no…”
    *stare at each other awkwardly like the 2 spidermen guys*
  • Me “do you know what I literally so much?”
    Friend “what?”
    Me “you”
    *stare at each other awkwardly like the 2 spidermen guys* again

I’m so fucking lucky my friends get my humour or else I’d literally have nobody in my life right now lol. Like I sound like such a bitch but I swear it is all in good taste

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Actual Humour

To be fair, what is actual humour? Like I guess it’s the classics like knock-knock jokes (despite the fact they’re shite) but like people might not find that humour. Well, I actually don’t really give a fuck and don’t want to talk about that so let’s get into it. This is the basic bitch, default setup, awkward laugh combo platter and if this is your main sense of humour you are either lying or a granny who has been desensitised by the crap jokes they put on the kids shows you are basically forced to watch all day.

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So I guess I’ll give a few but you already know what they are gonna be basically. You don’t have to be a genius to know these and it takes literally one brain cell to understand
– knock knock
who’s there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting cow wh-
MOOOOOOOO
– Knock knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
Well, there is no need to cry about it!

It’s literally so obnoxious ad stupid. It’s literally so unfunny and painful to listen to that you have nothing else to do by laughing. It is just pain

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Self-Depricating Humour

Watch out for these people because behind every self-deprecating joke is some truth. Like you can laugh but also keep an eye out for them lol. I do admit this is another go-to for me and is always easy to do when you hate yourself 😮 (Pulled a wee sneaky one on you). Sadly enough though a lot of people find it funny and use it often. Like we all laugh at something and make the same joke but then all just look around awkwardly like “we really are fucked up aren’t we”. It’s a bonding experience though, also a coping mechanism, but bonding nonetheless. It’s so simple too like it’s sad that we can literally make anything into a self-deprecating joke.

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So now for examples, but I feel like I should also address those bitches who use it for attention. Like they will just out of the blue be like “uh I’m so ugly today lol” and then act sad until someone says “awk no you’re beautiful”. NO! I literally hate that and there is a pretty fucking obvious difference so don’t even try to get yourself out of it if you do that sometimes.

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  • *in some random video an ogre walks down the street (not Shrek though, obviously he’s a babe)*
    Me “ok but who took that video of me?”
  • This next example is literally me the other day and I’m kinda mad about the actual situation but it was a pretty good self-deprecating joke:
    *me literally gets hit in the head by a bottle the idiots in our school are throwing*
    Me – what the actual fuck! Concussed question mark? (yes I say question mark)
    * me also goes on to tell people about how I’ve literally had so many head injuries in my lifetime*
    Me – maybe that’s why I’ve got a big ass forehead?!
  • Me – *does one thing wrong*
    also me – I literally hate myself so much

Sometimes you just gotta take one for the team, ya know? Sacrifice your life for Pakistan GRAPE!

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Teacher Humour

This is an exclusive package that you actually get when you become a teacher. Like that bitch is limited edition and we all gotta respect that as soon as we go into their classroom. Surely they are aware that they can’t make a joke like I can’t make sense of their class. Surely they know that we aren’t over here pissing ourselves and barely being able to breathe because their joke was funny. We just tryna get outta doing work/don’t want to get shouted at. Like I barely heard what you said but if I see the slightest smirk on your face I’m gonna laugh like you just turned into fucking Kevin Hart. You better know I’ll be rolling on the floor.

teacher jokes smh : dankmemes

But seriously though, teachers laugh at everything and joke about everything so we out here getting abs with all the fake laughing we gotta do. Just look at some of these examples:

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  • In my chemistry class my teacher was telling us how to remember the difference between Cations and anions and to be fair they were pretty helpful tips but she thought she was absolutely hilarious. She was like “cations has cat in it and cats are paw-sitive lol, and then anions are like onions and they make you cry, so they are negative” and we just looking at her like ha yeah.
  • Just any time they mention anything about how they would leave their job if not for something else. Like you are literally kind of a bit hurt because they be like “I wish I could just run away and live on a beach where I would never have to work here again haha” or “I would love to do *some other job* but I guess i’m just here lol”. Like damn what the fuck. So we just gotta laugh here to bring the mood back up. Like god damn just teach us some maths so we can get the fuck out of here.

They always gotta do the demonic laugh as well where they like chuckle but like you can see in their eyes that they are crying out for help and literally hate everything. They have good intentions though and for me, it’s usually just a pity laugh.

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Anti-Joke Humour

This is quite similar to sarcastic humour but, if you are an expert like me, you will know the difference. Basically, the difference is that sarcastic humour is kinda more chillaxed and off the cuff, but with anti-joke humour, it’s probably more planned out and thought about. It might have a bit of a delayed laugh as well because obviously, you are expecting a joke but then it’s pretty much just a fact. Oh and yeah that reminds me, an anti-joke is basically setting something up as you would a joke and then the punchline is just matter-of-fact. I’ll give examples obviously but that’s what it is. And if I’m gonna be honest with you, the people who have this as the humour they come up with a lot are probably going through some shit. Like I find it funny and a lot of others do but can never really come up with one and say it in the right way unless I’m in one of my “low patches”. No attack on anyone by the way. I suppose another form of anti-joke is just one that wasn’t intended to be funny but then the way you said it or the way you timed it was just perfect and I respect that tbh.

I’m gonna go into examples now obviously, I mean why do I find the need to say that every fucking time I’m pretty sure that you have got that already. But yeah the first one that I am gonna say is something kinda shocking and I only found out about it a few days ago and it kinda fucked my mind a wee bit.

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  • Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
  • What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half a cat
  • What’s white and can’t climb a tree? A fridge

Like they are so fucking stupid and like so fucking random but I don’t know why that literally cracks me up. I think it’s just so funny because it literally isn’t funny whatsoever and you kinda just end up looking at the other person in the eyes as you both question how your life led up to this one moment.

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“Too Far” Humour

This humour actually bugs me and I feel as though it can also be called “that one popular kid who sits in the back of the class and try to make everyone laugh but really he is a dick and people are just scared of him/want to impress him” humour but that’s a wee bit too long. What I find hilarious about it though is whenever you grow up and so does everyone else but they are the same idiot they were 4 years ago so now when they make a joke literally nobody gives a shit and just looks at them in disgust and you feel embarrassed for them. There is a group of people in my school like that and I just don’t think they’ve got rid of that god-complex yet and they haven’t accepted the fact that literally, nobody likes them lol. But back to talking about the “too far” humour. This is basically where they make jokes about things that aren’t meant to be joked about. Not like dark humour where it is still innocent and doesn’t hurt anyone, but when they joke about stuff that is literally offensive and disrespectful.

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  • Me – *plays football/breathes*
    idiot man – ShOuLdN’t YoU bE iN tHe KiTcHeN?! ahahahah Go MaKe Me A sAnDwIcH
    (this applies to literally any ‘joke’ like that)
  • Just joking around with your friends and then they go too far and talk about something actually personal to you and is a sensitive topic. Like I have heard guys in the back of our class talking and then they would be like “well at least I know my dad” or sometimes they would be straight up racist. Like maybe that’s a ‘guy thing’ but still that sounds fucked up.

These are the kinda jokes that make other generations think we are snowflakes but literally we are just respectful and more of an understanding person. Like they say it isn’t that deep but it kinda is. Just because it might not have offended anyone in this room, doesn’t mean it isn’t offensive.

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Gas-Lighting Humour

I actually had one of my friends tell me a story the other day about how she was literally gas-lighted by her parents, but like in a funny innocent way, and it really just cracked me up tbh. Obviously, in some cases, it isn’t funny but just whenever someone is so gullible that they fall for shit so easily makes me actually die. I’m quite a gullible bitch myself and I have another friend who is as well and the fact it is so easy to trick them is just priceless. They never learn and you kinda make fun of them after which is the gas-lighting part but ah well lol. Do I feel like a shitty person afterwards? Yup. Do I do it to everyone? Fuck no. Do I use too many rhetorical questions? Hell yeah.

Before I give these examples I just want to say that they may sound like the dumbest shite ever but it was just an “at the moment” type thing so don’t even be judging me.

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  • So the story with my friend and her parents was that she was asking to go to a party and they were like “fine but you will have to take a breathalizer when you get home”. They had like police friends and all that shit so he had easy access. So she was like “fine” and then went to the party. She was proper raging and to be fair she did still drink and was willing to face the consequences when they came. So she got back home and her parents were like “right then, how much did you drink” and she was like “I only had 2 cups” and they were like “ok, bye”. She was proper fuming like what the hell was happening. They just let her go yet she was freaking out about it for ages and trying to figure out how to trick the system or some shit and tgen they just started laughing at her because they couldn’t believe she actually believed it. Like her whole family were pissing themselves because she thought she was actually about to be breathalized. Kinda funny I must admit
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  • This next story is one where I was the person being laughed at and my sister literally brings it up every fucking second of the day even 6 years after it happened. So we had juts got a puppy (a miniature schnauzer to be exact) and we loved that hoe. We were already wanting to get another and my mum who had not even liked dogs that much (what a fucking weirdo) actually loved our dog. So then one day when I was going home from some sort of club type thing, my older sister was really excited and she was like “we got another puppy!” and I was like “actually fuck off do you really expect me to believe that” and she kept going on about the fact it was the truth. That bitch deserved an oscar because I started to believe her. I knew in the back of my head that it was obviously a lie but I wanted it to be true so bad that I believed it. Then we got home and was like I’m catch this hoe red handed. There is definitely no fucking dog in this house. Then she ran outside to our dog’s bit of the garden and then came back with this minature schnauzer in her hands and it was really small so I went up to see it. Tell me why this bitch was holding a fucking statue? I really started to pet a fucking piece of clay. She really did me dirty there.
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