Do You Know What’s Weird? | Plants are alive

Now please don’t think I’m some sort of alien conspiracy bitch, like I understand that plants are a living thing because I went to school (not in the USA) and did biology (again, not in the USA) so I would say I know a thing or two. I also think about things too much which usually gets regurgitated into a blog post and that is exactly what this is. But what got me thinking about this random shit? Well, my dad, an avid David Attenborough fan, was watching green planet, or whatever one was out recently, and was raving about this one plant that was weird as hell. Yes, I know, we have the best conversations. But let’s talk about it today.

Contents
1. The Glow Up
2. Ironic Names
3. They Got A Whole Ass Personality
4. How Are They Not Conscious Beings
5. Some Are Omnivores
6. House Plants
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1. The Glow Up

Evolution hit them like a ton of bricks, literally no lie. Obviously, like humans, some didn’t get hit so hard (*cough*daisies*cough*literal grass*cough*), but fuck me there is a good handful of them that literally changed like there was no tomorrow. The one that my dad showed me, and I won’t tell you the name yet because I’m leaving that for the next sub-topic, was so freaking advanced that it may as well be the Elon Musk of the plant kingdom. Just always one step ahead of everyone. Also like Elon, I have a suspicion it’s some sort of robot.

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Tell me why this plant literally slithers around to find this plant and grows fucking bladders so that it can steal the water and also the little bugs that for some reason are created in this plant. They deadass just steal the plant’s food and fuck off before they can do anything about it. How raging would you be? Like you got your rainwater and little dead animals all ready to eat, but then this greedy bitch comes, grows fucking bladders, and the next second it’s all gone! The audacity.

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Honestly, though, it’s so weird how plants have evolved to do such weird things. Like it’s unbelievable. They are resilient as fuck because they can grow anywhere and just thrive in harsh conditions. And what do we do? Fucking cry if they gave us the wrong 12″ pizza? Goddamn. It must have taken so long though and I still don’t even know how they learned what they need to do because they don’t have a mind. I get the whole “survival of the fittest” type shit, but how do they know to go to this plant and grow these separate organs and then grow hairs that detect when they need to chomp on a little bug.

I mean I was shocked when I found out sunflowers turn their head to face the sun, but that means nothing to me now.

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2. Ironic Names

I think it’s absolutely hilarious how people name plants. They must be top comedians because the amount of shit they come up with is so funny. From the plant I described above, what would you think it’s called? Some sort of heroic name or just something that sounds pretty classy, like maybe… right well I don’t know, but something cool that’s for sure. And now guess what they called it. If you said “bladder wart”, you are, firstly a cheater, but also a winner.

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It’s the height of disrespect honestly. It’s like calling superman, just “man”, or calling the hulk, “booger wart”. Like it isn’t right. Did a child name it? That’s the only way I could excuse it because when I hear the word bladder wart, I would be thinking of driving that person to the hospital for a check-up cause that sounds nasty. It is ironic, and maybe poetic, to hear such an amazingly adapted plant be called such a dumb fucking name.

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There are also some names that are kinda perfect because the flower is so irrelevant and insignificant that they didn’t even give their names the time of day. Like a sunflower, I mean what the fuck is that? I can guarantee you the decision went like this:

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person 1: ahh, I’ve found another plant, it’s amazing
person 2: meh, it’s kinda shit really
person 1: yeah you’re right actually… We’ve still gotta name it though
person 2: awk for fuck sake *sigh* just call it… a fuckin’… a sunflower I fucking hate my job

Somebody go check the history books because I’m pretty sure that was spot on

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3. They Got A Whole Ass Personality

No joke they’ve got more of a personality than half the people in my school. These hoes don’t stop for nobody. They give me very much “motivational talker who tells you to not give a fuck about anyone but yourself” kinda vibe. And I respect that. However, they also give me “two-faced snake” vibes. Sure they look pretty but underneath they’ve got this whole network of roots. I never thought anything of it until my mum and dad were talking about how they were worried the tree outside was getting too big (yep, I’m an eco bitch) and I was like “why is that bad?” and they deadass went on to say it could destroy our house. I’m sorry but what the fuck? I’d love to see that honestly.

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I suppose they do go through a lot so we can’t blame their attitude. We will literally turn them into a fucking treehouse, chop them down, make them into a literal bookcase filled with pages that are also made out of themselves, and climb all over them like it’s nobody’s business.

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4. How Are They Not Concious Beings?

It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact they have evolved to do such amazing things, but it’s even crazier to think that they aren’t really conscious beings like we are. Sure they are classified as a living thing but they don’t have a brain or any thoughts (that we know of :o) and yet they still just do this shit because of cells and science shit.

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You can’t tell me it there isn’t any “Inside Out” business going on in there because I could imagine a little plant anger or a little plant joy. They are quite literally smarter than some of the guys in my year. I’m no David Attenborough but I sure as hell would prefer the company of a literal plant than other people.

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It is just amazing and crazy though when you think about it. Like they’ll find an obstacle and be like “oh shit ok let’s go this way instead” or, in terms of a venus flytrap, they have pretty much a built in timer that helps them figure out the difference between a bug and everything else. No joke, venus flytraps have this thing where they only shut if they sense something within 20 seconds of each other so that it doesn’t just close on a raindrop or something. There is also this other plant that looks so pretty but literally has this gel like thing on the spikes that makes any insects that go on it stick and it will deadass curl them up and the gel will literally digest them. Imagine seeing that happen! Imagine being that fly!

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5. Some are Omnivores

Plants really switched it up on this one because on the food chain we see plants as literally the primary producers, so they convert the sunlight into energy and then an animal comes, eats them and then get’s that energy. But in some cases that bitch is a fucking consumer. They really pulled it out of the bag with that one and honestly I respect that. Like it’s a two way system and if one doesn’t like being eaten then the got to work something out.

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They really do be getting their revenge like they are fucking Bruce Wayne. They snack on a whole fly and then carry on as a pretty piece of nature. Do you know how many plants just murdered something right before they were put on camera in a photo or TV show. Like that is some crazy shit. LOL don’t think I’m crazy, it’s a joke, but I find it hilarious how nobody appreciates that plants, quite literally not a conscious being, eats a fucking living, conscious thing. Well, I don’t really know if insects have thought tbh? Wow that’s gonna keep me up at night

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6. House Plants

And lastly, it’s important to touch on the real warriors of the planet, house plants. You think you got it rough? Pfft, try being dehydrated and forgotten for weeks. These hoes are like the depressed middle child. Miserable, forgotten, but always loved. So shoutout to all the plants that died of dehydration! You are a real one. You really light up the room. You made us all feel better about ourselves and made us feel like we could accomplish something in life. Sorry that we forgot you, but you shall always be remembered… not really.

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I actually am growing plants at the moment. Bonsai trees to be exact. Like I literally got it for Christmas and I’m quite excited. The thing is only one has actually started to grow and it’s been 2 weeks, but it says it could be 3 weeks so we’ll not panic yet. I feel like I’ll have to name them but I’ll do that later once I’ve gotten to see them. The on I have at the moment is kinda crazy on the top like a palm tree, so I’m either gonna call it Pam or Sideshow Bob. What do you think?

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And there we have it. To all those people who were thinking “how the fuck could someone write a whole fucking post about how plants are weird?” I just did it bitch. And now I’ve got you equally as freaked out by plants. Thank you so much for reading this though and I would love if you could like, comment, give a cheeky little donation so I can keep posting and follow for more content like this every other day (or at least I try). I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Why Does Nobody Appreciate A Bargain?

POV: it’s Saturday. You are with a friend on the train and because we are so spontaneous we say “hey, why don’t we go to Botanic instead?”. You feel crazy because you are now getting off one stop later, what a rush. You go around and live the quirky life you desired as you shop… Continue Reading →

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The Most Common US Misconceptions About The UK

This post is gonna come off as fucking cheeky and kind of playing with American stereotypes, but I want to make it clear to you now that I 100% mean it. So, sorry I guess but it has to be done. To be fair though, when was there ever a need for you to learn… Continue Reading →

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How To Describe My Blog

Sometimes when I am writing a new post I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and wonder what the fuck I’m even talking about. What genre is this? I would say comedy but then again I don’t want to seem cocky and I don’t even know if people understand my humour. I would also… Continue Reading →

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Why Does Nobody Appreciate A Bargain?

POV: it’s Saturday. You are with a friend on the train and because we are so spontaneous we say “hey, why don’t we go to Botanic instead?”. You feel crazy because you are now getting off one stop later, what a rush. You go around and live the quirky life you desired as you shop in charity shops. Then bam, in one of the last shops you go to you find the biggest bargain ever (or at least that I’ve ever seen). It’s a literal Panasonic Lumix digital camera for £20 and it’s pretty much brand new! Who am I, Bargain Hunter?

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But then guess what? You go home completely buzzing, ready to show this win because my mum loves a bargain too (or so I thought). Then when I walk in the house like the retro bitch I am, I shove the camera in their face and go like “guess how much this was?” and they’re like “Ummm-” but they takin’ too long so I gotta but in like “£20!”. *crickets* In fact, there weren’t even any crickets. They were too busy going and wasting all their money instead of appreciating my find. What is up with these people?

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And tell me why the fuck they turn to me and say “don’t you have a phone?” They really said that, deadass. Bitch where is this whole “when I was your age all I had was my imagination” type shit? You should appreciate me becoming a retro gal and finding enjoyment that isn’t on my phone. And anyway, did you not hear what price it was??? Like… get your ears checked girl. You know what? I’ll just take a picture of your ear with my NEW camera, so you’re welcome bitch.

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And you never know, this could be my calling. I could become the next big photographer but they don’t give a shit. Do I have any interest in doing that? No, but I could. Maybe if they were motivational or nice then I would become a photographer gorl. But never mind, I guess this is good for my autobiography “that bargain bitch: the price you pay for appreciation”. Don’t think I’m not taking notes bitch

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Sometimes, though, I have to admit that at some points all these discounts are making me pay more overall because I will buy that shit just because it’s cheap. Like I was near about to buy this wireless apple watch charger (that was probably non-functional) when I don’t even have an apple watch, all because it was like £2.50. And I was also about to buy a really small tripod that was so crusty musty that I felt sick to my stomach, only because it was 50p. To be fair, I never actually bought those things, but you better bet that I have bought some random crap. I can’t remember them all but I will list a few

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  1. A ping-pong net: To be fair, we do actually have stuff for ping-pong/table tennis (whatever the difference is) so I could kind of justify it, but then again I haven’t played it since a really dark time in the third quarantine and I don’t know if I’m ready to go back there. But it’s the one that is pretty snazzy and clips onto the side of your table and you can pull the net out to whatever length you want. And guess how much it cost me? £1.50! No joke. I was loving it. Will I ever use it? Who fucking knows but now I have a great convo starter for every single time it is in my presence
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2. A 10 pack of A5 booklets: Don’t even ask me what the fuck was going on here because I just want to leave that behind me. But let me tell you anyways. I was going through one of those phases where you panic because you don’t know shit about how to revise well. Then one day I was shopping, as one does, and I was in easons (RIP) and there was this 10 pack of A5 booklets. I wouldn’t have given a shit if I hadn’t seen the bright yellow sticker that said £3. I don’t even know if that is fucking worth it because I tried it for one subject and it just really stressed me out. The pages were thin as fuck and I couldn’t get it to look nice. So now, as a result, I am £3 down and have 10 useless booklets taking up room on my bookshelf. Do not recommend tbh.

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3. Lastly, because I rarely regret a good bargain, I’m gonna talk about a broad topic which is buying stuff that you already have just because it’s cheaper and you never know, maybe there could be a zombie apocalypse and the only thing that stops them is another lip balm. Don’t come looking for me when you can’t find another burts bees anywhere, I’ll be living freely. It does get out of hand as some point though because it’s such a fucking waste. I have so many body lotions and face masks that are so out of date I could probably get them sent out to be used for a science experiment.

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I know everyone in the comments is gonna be going on about how it’s a whole marketing tactic and that you can’t believe that I would actually fall for that, but bravo to the bitch who came up with the tactic because it is hella smart. I’m not even ashamed to admit that I will fall for it again and again and I want it to continue that way. No matter what the product is, if I see a mega discount, you better know I’m gonna go get it and then go home and brag about it to everyone. Honestly, they do get sick of it, but who is the one who can handle their money well? Maybe I’ll spend £50 on 67 random pieces of crap, but at least I won’t spend that much on fucking jeans.

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Lol, yeah I guess that is all I have to say about bargains at the moment. Honestly, though, who all loves a bargain because I know I do but I feel like nobody really respects it. It never gets old. You get such a sense of pride that you somehow found something at such an amazing price and probably nobody else will get it, especially if it’s in a charity shop which is something I’ve really gotten into lately. I find it so fun to compare prices because I’ll deadass go into a shop like Pull and Bear or Stradevarious and go around point at clothes like “can you believe I literally got a top that is EXACTLY like that for £2, and they are selling it here for £39.99?! I could never” and then I’d continue that with every item of clothing until they kick me out.

And what about it? Fight me. Anyways, I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Do You Know What’s Weird? | Plants are alive

Now please don’t think I’m some sort of alien conspiracy bitch, like I understand that plants are a living thing because I went to school (not in the USA) and did biology (again, not in the USA) so I would say I know a thing or two. I also think about things too much which… Continue Reading →

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I Don’t Get The Guinness Book Of World Records

Maybe it’s because I have no skills of my own but like I don’t understand the hype of the Guinness book of world records because the only thing it did was make me confused at why the drink my dad loves is making a book? Like… make it make sense. It’s kinda cool I guess… Continue Reading →

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Let’s Discuss It | Pronouns

Can people please just get over it and wise up because it just isn’t that hard bitch. Firstly I’d like to say that my pronouns are she/her and I’m straight so I can’t really speak of experience but I want to talk from the perspective of just an accepting human being which is literally the… Continue Reading →

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The Most Common US Misconceptions About The UK

the most common US misconceptions about the uk graphics cartoon animated blog feature image cover blue and red

This post is gonna come off as fucking cheeky and kind of playing with American stereotypes, but I want to make it clear to you now that I 100% mean it. So, sorry I guess but it has to be done. To be fair though, when was there ever a need for you to learn this stuff? It isn’t like you were given much of a chance seeing as you only found out last week that other countries existed 😮

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Post Content
UK vs. Britain vs. England
Are you Irish?
Tea
Cookies vs. Biscuits
Messed up weather
What is Brexit?

Damn, that one was kinda rude but the truth hurts *gets cancelled* Anyways before I get the whole of the US against me, I just want to say that I really don’t mean any offence by this and it’s just a wee laugh, to be honest. I mean, I can’t really speak because I’m dumb as fuck. Not that you are… I just meant that… Never mind. Let’s just get started.

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UK vs. Britain vs. England

Uk world map split into the 4 countries plus Ireland in colour

Surprisingly enough, these three locations are not all the same thing 😮 The UK consists of 4 countries (Northern Ireland, England, Scotland and Wales) although, as a word of advice, just don’t say that to people in Northern Ireland because there is a 50% chance you could get kneecapped, OK? Anyways, Britain consists of 3 countries (England, Scotland and Wales) however only English people call themselves British and if you call the other ones British you will most likely get stabbed. And lastly, England. This is one country. There is a city in it called London, but no, the entirety of England is not London. Just a wee fun fact for you there. To be fair, seeing you guys trying to work this out is top entertainment so don’t even worry about it.

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Are You Irish?

Americans saying they are Irish meme

I don’t care if your fucking great-great-grandfather was a fucking leprechaun, you are NOT Irish. Now, I’m not angry about it but I just find it so funny how you base your whole personality on this one minuscule thing. I swear your grandfather could have eaten a potato one day or had a pint of Guinness and you would declare yourself Irish. Sorry to break it to you but you really just are not. What also cracks me up is when Americans go to Ireland for the first time and they act as though they just found a piece of them that was missing. They’ll breathe in the Irish air like they’re a character in a coming of age film on their first day of school. It’s so funny.

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Every time we went to America (literally twice but shut up) people would ask us where we are from and we’d be like “northern Ireland” and that would be us busy for the next hour or so because they were basically whipping out their family tree and their fucking 23andme results. It’s like going into a Lush store (if you know, you know). But in all seriousness, if you ever go anywhere in Ireland and say you are Irish in your thick American accent, you will most likely be absolutely slaughtered. Just… no.

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Fair enough though, if your mum or your dad was from Ireland then that’s something but even still if you were born in America and raised in America you gotta understand that you are American. Sorry to ruin your dream I guess but the truth hurts

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Tea

tea vs coffee in the uk funny spongebob meme

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a sucker for a cuppa tea. Does it make up a lot of my personality? Honestly, yes. But I’m an exception because funnily enough, we aren’t all tea addicts. So don’t go mentioning tea all the time because we have learnt the appropriate times of when to mention tea and when not to mention tea. It really isn’t that hard. As long as you know never to give an unconscious person tea, then you’ll get sweet. Unconscious people don’t want tea.

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We don’t really even take tea that seriously though like it’s a stereotype and you kinda gotta remember that. But if you want to keep holding us to the stereotype then we can keep calling Americans gun crazy. Compromise? (sorry that was a bit far)

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cookie vs biscuit uk vs us controversy

Contrary to popular belief, we use both of these words. Our explanations are actually pretty accurate and you can never prove to me otherwise. There are some anomalies out there that cause a few arguments such as a Jaffa cake (which is stinkin’, to be honest) and also a Maryland cookie. Obviously, it has a cookie in the name but there is more to it than that, don’t even get me started.

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Correct me if I’m wrong, but you think we call every form of, as you call it, cookie, a biscuit, but we don’t. A biscuit is crumblier if you know what I mean. Like it snaps easier and is more solid, like a digestive (top tip, caramel digestive are a necessity) but we still use the word cookie for things such as the classic chocolate chip cookie where it is more gooey. It might be a little bit crunchy on the outside but then soft on the inside. We call that a cookie and we demolish the people that call a cookie a biscuit.

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Here is the rundown for you. You can call a biscuit a cookie (if you must *eye roll*) but you can never call a cookie a biscuit, no exceptions.

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Messed Up Weather

british crazy weather pie chart colour meme

Honestly, I can’t even give you a solid explanation for what the fuck goes on with our weather, but I’ll tell you one thing, the weather people do not have an easy job. You may feel it is rainy all the time and at some points that’s right. The weather is shite very often which can get really old really quickly, but it’s also cosy as shit so we move, but then you get the cheeky wee switch up in the summer where it’s a whole new level of hot.

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Deadass, it’s as though mother nature was so busy getting the rest of the world warmth and sun and one day was like “oh shit” and realised that she completely forgot us so to catch up she just pours it all into one week so we can catch up with the others. Either that or she just fucking spilt the whole bag on us. What you don’t think about though is the fact that we don’t have air conditioning in our houses because this shit ain’t normal (except it does happen most years so you would think we’d learn) so you can’t sleep or be comfortable anywhere.

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It’s fun for the first few days but when I tell you we make the most of it, I am telling you we make the most of it. You can’t get out of your driveway there’s that much traffic. There will be fucking barbeques all over the place. The scientists and researchers everywhere are probably like “oh shit, global warming just skyrocketed what the fuck happened?” and someone will just be there like “The UK got their heatwave, but it shouldn’t last more than a week.” Gotta admit, seeing all these pasty-skinned people finally get some natural vitamin D is a wonderful experience

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What is Brexit?

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I don’t even fucking know at this point

I think I will end it there because honestly, I have no clue what else you guys have questions about in terms of the UK. Feel free to leave some in the comments below and I can make another post about it. I promise I won’t judge your questions because it basically isn’t really your fault and I really couldn’t care less. I just like to make jokes, whether they are bad or not. Funnily enough, we do like to make fun of Americans but it’s all in good taste honestly. But as a word of warning, if you go to any of the 4 countries, be careful with what you call said place because it’s a fucking mess, but I can keep that for another post if you like. May God be with you on that one :/ I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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The Stupidity In An Educated Guess

I was in one of my weird patches the other day and I was scrolling through my social media (as is normal during a breakdown) and I saw some things that kinda maybe didn’t help me at all, but it got me thinking about how we can guess things with a pretty solid argument for… Continue Reading →

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Let’s Discuss It| Stating The Obvious

I’m not really an angry person if I’m gonna be honest and although this doesn’t really make me that angry, it gets me in that manic laughing phase which is kinda fucking scary. Like you know that point where you just look at someone who just said something to you and you don’t have any… Continue Reading →

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Jennifer Lawerence Is What?

Talk about a merry fucking Christmas because I just found out something that has blown me away. It has been released before Christmas but I am only getting around to talking about this now because I wanted to spread out the happiness across this December. So without further ado, let’s talk about what the fuck… Continue Reading →

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How To Describe My Blog

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Sometimes when I am writing a new post I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and wonder what the fuck I’m even talking about. What genre is this? I would say comedy but then again I don’t want to seem cocky and I don’t even know if people understand my humour. I would also say it’s relatable, but then again that’s hardly a fucking genre and I also might just be fucking weird and therefore it isn’t relatable. So I thought I would make this post about what I think my blog is about just to clear things up for everyone, despite the fact I don’t even know the answer myself. Maybe someone can help me out?

Post Content
1. A Blonde Bitch Wrote It
2. “Should I be laughing?”
3. Where was the need?
4. Fair play I guess
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A Blonde Bitch Wrote It

This is quite a good description and really speaks volumes because it is so accurate. Now I’m not saying that it’s just dumb content (sorry to go off stereotypes but bear with me), but I quite literally am a blonde bitch (see! It’s just self-deprecation). And I love that for me, I really do, but then again it really shows. Don’t get me wrong, not all blonde people are dumb, but I certainly am. Well, not dumb as in uneducated, but dumb as in I say the most random stuff and am confused about a lot of stuff. Do you get what I mean? I do well in school but I’m just daft and gullible… Just go watch legally blonde for fuck sake, it’s accurate enough (at the start). So basically my blog just costs you a few brain cells for every post, no biggy.

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“Should I Be Laughing?”

Ah, yes, a perfect way to think about my blog. This is where you read my post and think to yourself “should I be laughing or calling for help?” because I like to use humour as a coping mechanism which doesn’t always execute well on text, but trust me you would be pissing yourself in real life (well…). Honestly, though, I think everyone reading this can understand and might choose to compromise and laugh while you cry. It’s a good feeling. Don’t worry about me though guys because I am totally fine :/ and there is nothing to worry about 😐 Nothing at all :):

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Where Was The Need

I ask myself this every day because it’s completely valid. Why the fuck did I just have to write a fucking essay type post on the reasons I don’t get the Guinness Book of World Records or discuss my opinions on newborns? Who really gives a shit? Well, I suppose at least 314 (followers=legends). Not to toot my own horn or anything but I suppose it’s entertainment at its finest. It’s mind-numbing information, yet you are reading it so you feel less lazy than if you were watching a video. Shoutout to all those people trying to read more for their new year’s resolution, one more day in the bag yeeeooo

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I also feel as though this subheading also refers to how I type like I talk. Like I literally add in things that I could pretty much erase and write in a better way but then I’ll be like “fuck it” and then make fun of myself for it in the next sentence. My English teacher would be rolling in her grave right now but whom gives a shit

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Fair Play I Guess

Lastly (unless I think of anymore), I am not too proud to admit that my blog is pretty fucking embarrassing and honestly might share a bit too much information. Not in an age-rating type of way, but as in ‘if my councillor found this I would be given a few extra appointments’ type shit. But that is what I planned to do from the very start because I see so many people out there who will hide all that and then when they talk about it they make it quite a formal and awkward situation (for me anyway. I guess it depends who you are as a person) which I don’t really like. I wanted this to kind of make light of it, but like not make it seem any less important, but like to make it seem more approachable.

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Literally, I just got all soppy there but do you get me? I want this to feel safe for everyone. So yeah, people reading this might think I am a fucking nutjob for saying and thinking all these things but, in the words of Louie Spence, “I’ve done it now, it’s too bleedin’ late. What are they gonna do? What’s gonna happen? They gonna shoot me? I doubt. They’d have to catch me first, I’m like a whippet”

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Anyway, that is it for me today, but if you have any other way to describe my blog please do feel free to comment, as long as it isn’t anything bad because I swear to god I will cry. But in all honesty, jokes aside, I really appreciate every single one of you and my favourite part of the day is reading your comments. So thank you again, don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe for more. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Personal comedy blog post feature image for Christmas with vine girl who says merry Chrysler

Merry Chrysler!

Merry Christmas guys! I want to keep this post short and sweet because honestly who the fuck wants to read this on Christmas but if you are then I respect you and you a real one. But anyway lol I know this year has been kinda very shite but it’s nearly over and we made… Continue Reading →

Thank Goodness For Growing Up

I’m no Peter Pan, but I never want to grow up. Well, except for these reasons. Maybe it won’t be so bad after all.

Humans Haven’t Evolved For Shit

Humans haven’t evolved for shit, well not in the way I would like. I would warn all the Ross Gellers, or people who actually understand this topic, to beware because this may cost you a few brain cells, but I do want to add I am not a Karen and I do believe in evolution, this is a joke.

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I Don’t Get The Guinness Book Of World Records

I don't get the guinness book of world records colourful large title comedy blog feature picture image

Maybe it’s because I have no skills of my own but like I don’t understand the hype of the Guinness book of world records because the only thing it did was make me confused at why the drink my dad loves is making a book? Like… make it make sense. It’s kinda cool I guess but when was the last time you actually bought one? Probably never because, well, they are kinda fucking expensive, and secondly who gives a shit? The only reason I have one is that my granda had one and it was shiny so I did that thing where you acted obsessed with one thing so that your grandparents would let you keep it. Is that just me? Ok… well that’s awkward. But anyway, I have a couple of questions and problems to do with this book and hopefully, someone can relate to or answer me.

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1. Does it get you anywhere in life?

I suppose not everything in life needs to be for a reason but what does it even bring to the table? How would you even bring that up in a social situation because it just seems unnatural and sometimes, depending on what you did, a bit worrying? Sometimes I imagine this…

Record Holder: So yeah, I also got into the Guinness book of world records for shoving a whole bag of jellybeans up my ass!
Person 2:
Record holder:
Person 2: *stands up* I don’t really think you’re who Candyland is looking for

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Depending on what it is you did though it would be cool because you get the people who can speak the most languages or read the fastest and I respect that and think it’s awesome. But then you get the ones who can eat a jam doughnut without licking their lips the quickest (sorry Oli White) or can fit the most clothes pegs on their face. Who hurt you? And also, how the fuck did you find this out?

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2. How does one even get the opportunity?

Genuinely, I am interested in how you can become an official world record holder because, while I don’t really plan to get one any time soon because… I have no talents, I just always wonder what you would have to do to get one of their people to come over in their fancy suits and watch attempt the record. Surely it costs money? And what if you don’t get it? Surely that’s a wee bit awkward because you’ll probably be sweating or have like 100 straws in your mouth and be like “so… do you want a cup of tea”. I’ve already got social anxiety but I could only imagine what that would be like.

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Wait, I literally just searched it up, which I probably should have done before but literally stop attacking me, and I found out that you don’t have to have an official go to you and all you have to do is submit a video (that is obviously up to standard and has a bunch of other stuff that I can’t be arsed to type) and they will send you over a certificate if you did win it. You can get an adjudicator though but I feel that’s more for YouTubers and shit. Not gonna lie that would be a fun job. I don’t know how much that would cost but I don’t even think I wanna know. If you are wanting to read more about it this is their website btw.

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3. What happens when someone else beats you?

Obviously, at some point in your life someone will break your world record and you’ll probably be fucking raging but it is what it is, you gotta pass on the torch, but what actually happens? To be honest, I don’t really know what I am expecting as an answer. A SWAT team raids your house and takes the certificate, removing any traces it ever existed, or nothing happens and you find out you were beaten because their mum posted it on Facebook? Logically it probably just says the year you got it in and what your results/record was so when someone else beats you they have proper updated evidence, but like that isn’t that fun to think about. I mean I’ve gotta get some good content out there FOR FUCK SAKE.

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4. Can you just make one up and then say you are the best?

When I hear some of the records people achieve I kinda lose hope that I’ll ever become mentally stable again because all of these people are just crazy. They have done the most random crap and now have a world record. How does that even work though? Could I make up some random crap and be like “This is my attempt at giving the least shits for the longest time ever” and then boom, the next day I’m getting my photos taken. I feel like I have heard somewhere that the Guinness people will review it (obviously) and then make the minimum target that you have to get to win the award, but surely if you don’t reach the target but are still the only person to have ever done it you are technically the record holder? Is there someone who has the world record for making up the most world records? Surely there is… *runs off to make new records*

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5. Ok, but at what cost?

Don’t get me wrong guys, I respect the fuck out of anyone who has a world record and honestly I would run at any chance I got to get a world record even if it was the dumbest shit. It is quite the flex, but sometimes I stay up at night worrying about how stretched out the ears of the world’s strongest ears person must be. They are pulling fucking lorries and it scares me for so many reasons, one being how the fuck did they realise they had strong ears and for why? Like honestly I don’t even want to talk about it. Does the certificate make up for it? Can that guy get the bag of jelly beans out again? I wish you luck.

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Anyways, I suppose that is my post over now and I don’t know why but that last paragraph got me kinda worried. What does happen to all those people after they win? Do they just gotta train for a new one or go back to normal life with a random party trick. If you have a world record please do comment down below because I think that’s so interesting. Surely that boosts the fuck out of your ego because I know I would be wearing that shit around my neck like “oh, this old thing?! How embarrassing, it’s just my world record certificate. No big deal” like the main character I am. But yeah, please do like, comment and follow for more because that means more to me than any certificate ever could. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Let’s Discuss It | New Borns

Whenever you grow up and someone says they have a “face only a mother could love”, that person is, one, a bitch, but two, speaking facts because, after the first time she sees her new-born baby, there is no way it can get any worse, so no matter what they look like when they grow… Continue Reading →

the christmas spirit is a curse, christmas, snow, winter, comforting

The Christmas Spirit Is a Curse

Whoever said Christmas is about giving, not receiving is fucking right because bitch do I GIVE! Now I ain’t tryna brag and be like oh my days I’m so unlucky that I have to/can spend money to get stuff for my family, but like I’m just saying that I am acting as though I’ve got… Continue Reading →

2 COVID Tests and a Christmas in Quarantine

12 days ’til Christmas and my true love gave to me, a big fucking mess. I mean what the actual hell. Here I am with a bit of a sore head and a stuffy nose and then I take a wee lateral flow test before I go out to Ju-Jitsu but then the 2nd line… Continue Reading →

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Let’s Discuss It| Stating The Obvious

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I’m not really an angry person if I’m gonna be honest and although this doesn’t really make me that angry, it gets me in that manic laughing phase which is kinda fucking scary. Like you know that point where you just look at someone who just said something to you and you don’t have any words to say because they just said something really idiotic so all you can do is laugh. That is what happens to me when people state the obvious. I can’t do anything but laugh. I’ll give some examples though so that you can help judge whether or not I’m a dramatic bitch or if we are both dramatic bitches 😮

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Tomorrow Is a New Day

No shit sherlock. I mean is that supposed comforting? Yeah, I guess it is a new day because of fucking common sense and science, but so what I’m still gonna have the same problems or have to face the embarrassment of the day before. Say I failed an exam and was just sad for the rest of the day or something (that was a shocking example but get over it) then somebody would come over and say “it’s ok, tomorrow is a new day”. And then they’ll just sit there acting like Shakespeare or some shit because they have such a way with words. It’s just as well I have corona so I can’t smell the amount of shit coming out of you is unbelievable.

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The World Hasn’t Ended

I have had a lot of people say this and it’s usually in such a passive-aggressive tone and I’m just there like obviously because I happen to not be blown into smithereens. Just because I am worried or stressed to do something doesn’t mean I think the world is gonna end. To be honest that would be better. I would welcome it. Tell me the world hasn’t ended and I’ll be sad. But then you’ll come out with the whole “tomorrow’s a new day” and that’ll make me worse again. It’s a cycle of stupidity I suppose. Maybe some people get comforted by the predictability of life and how no matter what happens the world goes on, but to be honest these phrases are comforting because I realise I am no longer the biggest idiot.

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Are You…?

This one can come in many different varieties but that doesn’t make it any more quirky than the other examples of stating the obvious. In fact, it is the most annoying of them all so far. I’m talking about when you are about to open the door and you’ve got your dog on the leash and some person peaks around the door and goes “oh, are you going on a walk?”. First of all, who are you and how the fuck did you get into my house. And secondly, obviously. I’m not just standing in the hallway for the fun of it. It’s just so aggravating because the person who says this comes from nowhere and it just makes you wonder why they asked. Most of the time they don’t have a reason. Like they’ll make it so dramatic like “OH…” and you’re like for fuck sake what’s the problem. And then when you say “yeah” they’ll disappear with no explanation and you stand there in disbelief. Did you need something or…?

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Are You Asleep?

So I know this fits into the other category but to be honest it needs its own sub-heading. It’s the funniest and most disappointing in my opinion. Like are you really expecting an answer and if so what answer? At least ask if they are awake because then they can answer logically but I find it’s so awkward for both people in this situation. Like you can poke your head around and see they are obviously out for the count and you will genuinely ask “are you asleep?” as if you are expecting them to answer with “yeah, what do you need?”. And also if some asks you “are you asleep?” I don’t know why but I find it so awkward to be like “no…” like what the fuck.

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I also have a twin so obviously there are times when I’m sick of her shit so I’ll just try to act asleep, so obviously I don’t say anything and then she’ll go like “you literally aren’t asleep” and continue to laugh out loud and make me wake up so even if I was asleep I would then be awake. Like if you were going to accuse me of being awake either way then why the fuck would you bother asking in the first place. Luckily we no longer share the same room.

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Overall

I could do a whole range of other examples but you obviously don’t need to read all of them because, unless you are some literal foetus genius who can read this, I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t have anything useful or beneficial to say, just keep your mouth shut and save us both from an awkward situation. It just isn’t ok and while you may think it is helpful, it really isn’t.

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Resolution

Honestly, instead of stating the obvious people should just state a really random, unknown fact. That would be so fucking hilarious and would definitely distract you from whatever it was you were thinking about. Imagine you were just bummed out one day and someone came, sat beside you and said “If you point your car keys to your head, it increases the remote’s signal range.” Don’t you feel better already?

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So now that I sound like a debbie downer and a pessimistic piece of shit, I’m gonna leave it there are ask you all to kindly like and subscribe so I can keep making this type of content for you. I would also really appreciate if anyone could donate a little change which will really help to keep this blog going. I obviously can’t ask that of everyone, so I also ask if you would be able to leave some feedback which is sometimes even better. I really value everything you say and give, and that’s stating the obvious so sorry about that one lol. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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I Needed More Time In The Oven

Before you start calling child protection services, let me just clear something up. No, I am not the gingerbread man and no I am not in some weird family where instead of a naughty step I get the literal oven. What I’m referring to is the lack of basic features that I kinda feel were… Continue Reading →

After 7 Years I’m Not Sure My Pet Is A Dog

I know what you are thinking, “what the fuck does your dog look like”. But it isn’t because of that. She is literally the cutest thing you will ever see, well… apart from at the moment because she just got a haircut that made her hella ugly, but it’s fine it’ll grow back. The thing… Continue Reading →

Shocking Event That United The UK More Than Ever

Now I’m not someone who gets political, not even when it comes to Brexit taking our magic stars, but this phenomenon has to be mentioned. It is absolutely mental how this one thing has united the countries within the UK more than anything else. I feel we have actually joined as a team to create… Continue Reading →

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Jennifer Lawerence Is What?

jennifer Lawerence is what? shocked text message with punctuation on side for shocking blog post featured image

Talk about a merry fucking Christmas because I just found out something that has blown me away. It has been released before Christmas but I am only getting around to talking about this now because I wanted to spread out the happiness across this December. So without further ado, let’s talk about what the fuck is happening with Jennifer Lawerence and what I, and most of you, are thinking about it.

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Jennifer Lawerence, THE Jennifer Lawerence, Katniss Everdeen, funniest most down to earth person you will ever meet, is pregnant! No joke. To be honest she kinda gave me favourite auntie vibes, kinda like the auntie who you only see at special holidays who always has a glass of wine and travels around the world so has great stories to tell but is also fucking crazy, in a good way, and would stand up for you in front of your mum. Do you get me? I suppose she can still be that but just with a kid.

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I am not really 100% sure who her husband is but he must be a great fucking guy to deserve her and he better watch his back because her fans are intense and will most likely flatten him with one mistake, no pressure though. I kinda love how he isn’t some big actor person who is always in front of the screen and acting like someone else because that makes it more genuine. I also had no clue that Jennifer Lawerence was even seeing someone and that makes it even better if you ask me. I looked up a few photos for “research” (aka I’m nosey as fuck) and I’ll leave some below, but they look so happy and cute. He is one lucky guy and they gonna have a cute baby.

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I’m not really sure what episode of life I missed to have her being this single woman who loved a wee cocktail and being with her friends, to her being a married woman who loves this guy and has a literal family started. Time flys I guess but fuck me, I’ve missed a bunch. Like you blink and everyone’s got ‘rona, plus the queens on her last leg and now THIS queen is literally married with a baby on the way. Like wow… slow down a little. Let me catch my breath for a second, the fuck.

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I’m happy for her though and I literally respect her so much. I think she will literally be the best mum and they’ll have such an amazing kid. Hopefully, they get a great sense of humour and are just as down to earth as their parents because that’s one of the most admirable features they have. I wish them luck and I do hope she stays in acting for a while because I literally adore her and find her so comforting which sounds really creepy but I mean that she just makes you feel safe… right that sounds fucking weird but you get what I mean.

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Obviously, that is up to her and we are behind her no matter what so yeah, have fun being pregnant and I’m sure we’ll get to see the baby soon enough because celebrities seem to pop them out quicker than Borris Johnson can fuck something else up. Like it is crazy because one second you are recovering from hearing they are gonna have a baby, then the next day they are at their graduation and you get messed up in the head. Oh well.

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I suppose that is it for today guys and I’m sorry it’s a bit late but I’m sure nobody even realised or cared at all so yeah. This was kind of a fun wee post and I’ve had it in my drafts for a bit but I think it’s really interesting how there are celebrities who do keep their lives private and every so often drop a bomb on us and I love that to be honest. Kinda shows they are actual humans too and they have an actual life outside of the TV screen. Who knew she wasn’t actually a blue alien?! Don’t forget to like and subscribe for more and if you are feeling generous then I would really appreciate a small donation to help me keep this going, if not then please leave some feedback (which is free to do) because to be honest, words are priceless and I would love to hear how I’m doing or if you want anything new. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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which sense of humour do you have

Which Sense of Humour Do You Have?

I think that to start this post we need to figure out what the word “humour” really means. I’m no Oxford dictionary but in my opinion, it is the things we find funny and that we enjoy making/hearing jokes about. Nothing fancy just a basic bitch definition. I guess now that is out of the… Continue Reading →

christmas controversy

The Century-Long Christmas Controversy

Merry Christmas to everyone!… except those who say happy Christmas. You can go to hell. I don’t really know what it is that possesses people to say “happy” Christmas but I don’t want it. Like it makes me shrivel up and die inside. I can actually hear the elves and Santa cry from the north… Continue Reading →

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Merry Chrysler!

Personal comedy blog post feature image for Christmas with vine girl who says merry Chrysler

Merry Christmas guys! I want to keep this post short and sweet because honestly who the fuck wants to read this on Christmas but if you are then I respect you and you a real one. But anyway lol I know this year has been kinda very shite but it’s nearly over and we made it through so well done! I also hope you all still have a great Christmas even though I know a lot of us haven’t really felt very Christmasy lately which I don’t really know why and is kind of a shame but like oh well. Hopefully, we’ll fit the vibe check on the day.

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I’m not gonna say all the “it’s about giving not receiving” but like enjoying getting the gifts you deserve and earned. Don’t feel bad because you should be treated like royalty. Obviously, we all need to stay humble and be so grateful for what we get in life but know that as long as you react in the right way and focus on what is important, you can have nice things.

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I also predict that a lot of you will be reading this at the end of the night when you have your annual Christmas cry and I want you to know that it’s ok and you aren’t a weirdo. Christmas most likely went perfectly and for whatever reason, you are crying for at the moment, it will pass and everyone is ok. Usually, for me, it’s kinda like your emotions catch up with you because you are just non-stop all day, or you have hyped it up so much in your head that you are sad that it’s gone and you have to go back to normal life. There is also the fact that you feel as though you may not have been perky all night and you kind of overthink about what you did or said. I have found we all get this crying surge at the end of Christmas and you are just standing there like “ok what the actual fuck is wrong with me? Why am I crying on Christmas?” But honestly, it’s normal and you’ll get through it eventually.

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So I suppose I won’t keep you for much longer, but I hope you have an amazing day doing whatever it is you do on Christmas. Hopefully, it is all pretty much back to normal for you all and you get to enjoy something semi-normal this year. Let yourself enjoy this day and go out and have fun. Also here is a quick reminder for people who get really stressed out about presents and feeling bad because you don’t think you spent as much on them or gave as much as them, just know that they appreciate you so much and anything that shows you thought of them for even 1 second is probably so thrilled no matter what you give them. Don’t be so hard on yourself and I’m expecting to hear how your day went. I hope you have a great Christmas, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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These Brands Are Getting Way Out Of Hand

Up until last month, I used to think that Corona was the worst thing that happened to us but fuck me this is 10 times worse. I mean I know the pandemic was tough but this has ruined my whole entire life and all of my memories. It makes me physically ill to talk about… Continue Reading →

Selfishness is Comforting

I know, I know, this sounds so bloody stupid but I swear that by the end of this post you will completely agree. Selfishness is comforting when you look at it in a particular way. And I’m almost certain that if you are someone who has hit rock bottom and ended up looking at motivational… Continue Reading →

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Thank Goodness For Growing Up

People who have read my blog before (are absolute legends) will know that I really kinda hate growing up not because I want to be a rebellious teen (like I am right now for sure) forever but because I don’t want to be responsible for myself and to work and do adult shit. It seems pretty stressful if you ask me, but I’ll not get too into that because you can read literally any of my other posts to find out. Today I want to switch it up a bit by telling you, and you can guess from the title, why it is good to grow up. Btw I’m literally still a teen so I don’t know why I’m acting so wise, I just want to talk about some of the things I believed as a kid that I’m glad I now know. And yeah I was very gullible so don’t judge me, I swear I’ve changed my ways.

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First things first, I didn’t understand what it meant to be colourblind. So as a quick background check I need to say that my Dad is colour blind and… well that’s it. OH and I’m an idiot. So now you are all caught up let’s get back into the story. I think I was still in primary school, maybe I was 8, and I was very inquisitive, well at least on that day I was, and I randomly asked my dad what colours he was colour blind with (I don’t know if that is how you would say that but you get the point) and he was like “red and pink” and it might also be green but I’m not sure. Anyways, it was definitely red. So I sat back and was like “huh, pretty weird”, and being the bright child I was I looked at the red car in front of us and asked “so can you only see a floating number plate in front of us?” NO JOKE I SAID THAT and my dad being a dad he deadass said “yup” but then he started to laugh so I caught on but how fucking dumb am I! He should have just dropped me off at the side of the road and drove away because there must have been something wrong with me.

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This next story also links back to my dad which kind of gives me rust issues because this man raised me to be one big joke. And he succeeded in that I suppose. This story starts in LA and I was probably 10 or a bit older. We went to get a wee drink for a cute boba place that was supposed to be good. I never had it before and didn’t get one because I was a bit sceptical. Why? I’ll tell you why. Because when I asked my dad what boba was he tells me that it is frogspawn. Yup, he told me that boba is literal frog spawn and from the point forward I was kind of traumatized. I now know that it is not true but I have yet to try it. I haven’t had boba despite the fact I know he was lying because that will always be in the back of my head and I don’t think I could cope with that. So while this is mostly from my dad, I think my immaturity made me more gulable. Thanks, dad :/

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I have one last story that also links to things my dad made me believe and then I’m not gonna attack him for the rest of this post, but tbh this is on him. There is this photo of my mum and dad that they keep in their room which is them at a restaurant and I asked my dad where it was from. He told me it was from their honeymoon and I was like “cute” and moved on with my day. Then I think it was a few days later and I had been thinking about it, and with my absolutely wonderful imagination I came up with so many things that a honeymoon could be. So I asked my dad “is a honeymoon on an actual moon?” because that obviously makes a whole tonne of sense, and my dad said “yes”. But then I was like “well why does it say honey in the name?” and I kinda forget what he said but I’m sure it was something stupid. I just say that I did believe it for a while. Not years or anything but like for a week or two until I asked my mum and she told me the truth. I 100% believed my dad and I just thought that was where you went after you got married. To the literal honeymoon. I was very excited to go there one day when I was younger.

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Another reason I’m glad to have moved on with life is the eyebrows. I could leave it there but I don’t want you to think I’m THAT self-centred blonde bitch who has nothing else to think about except makeup. I just want you to know that I was a whole different person when I had no eyebrows and I see a glimpse of said person every time I wake up. Thank god for needing glasses though am I right, so at least I can’t really see myself when I get up in the morning, at least not well. I know that I mention my love for eyebrows a lot (literally to the point this could become a beauty blog) but being able to date pictures and videos as BE (before eyebrows) and AE (after eyebrows) is not as fun as it seems. I wish I could be blessed with flawless eyebrows as soon as I wake up, but life isn’t fair sometimes.

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Oh, and lastly before I leave, I’m glad I have matured and kinda become a new person (aka traumatized by life) because from 10BE to 1AE I was a deranged little shit. I was very crazy and outgoing and overly confident in some situations. I was acting like someone else to impress a boy and that isn’t even half of it. I was respectable and stuff, like I wasn’t rude, but I was pretending in order for some guy to like me. But now, in 5AE, I am single and socially awkward, mentally ill and tired of this shit…

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Ok so maybe I don’t want to grow up. Maybe it’s overrated. Nah, I’m just joking, it’ll get better and it’ll work out in the end. Life is fucking crazy with, you know, the whole pandemic but it will go away eventually, I think (update: I am also now out of my 10 day quarantine yay!). If you liked this post then don’t forget to follow, like and comment on what you think about growing up. What do you like about it? What do you hate? Spill the tea because I love to hear it. It would also be great if you could leave a review because I want to know if I’m on the right path with my content and it would mean a lot to me. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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A Hole I’ve Dug Way Too Deep

You know those situations that keep you up at night? Not the stuff that happened in the past, but the holes you have dug yourself that make your life a living hell. The moments that you wish you could wake up from. Yeah well, I am in one again and I’m terrified. I feel like… Continue Reading →

Are We Born Hypocrites?

This is quite literally an actual question because lately, I have been talking to a lot of people who go back on themselves and completely make themselves look like an idiot. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments where I’ve been unfair by telling people they can’t do something and then I go do… Continue Reading →

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Humans Haven’t Evolved For Shit

For all the Ross Gellers of the world, I want you to know that I’m not some idiot that thinks the world is only 2021 years old. I understand the basics that we are completely different to what we were like billions of years ago, but my god surely there could have been more interesting features we could have evolved to have. Opposable thumbs? Pfft, who needs them. A brain that is one of the greatest things on the planet? I suppose. But that shit gets boring. I want to be able to literally regenerate a limb if it, for some reason, gets chopped off. I want to be able to see all spectrums of colour and hear all the wavelengths, but no, that’ll just kill me *eye roll*

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I have to admit that all of the things I said above could have been completely inaccurate in terms of the right terminology but oh my days if you are really that into this type of science then this post is just wasting your brain cells, but I do know that there are things our eyes can’t process or that we can’t hear so that was what I was trying to get across to you. Isn’t that crazy though? There are things that we can’t see or hear and it could literally be the answer to everything… well maybe not. I’m really making myself seem dumb but let me live a little. What are the things we can’t see? And how come after so many years we haven’t evolved to see them even a little bit. Crazy times I suppose but it would also make me 10 times more distracted than I usually am so maybe that’s a good thing.

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Back to my point, I want you to think of how long we have been on the planet, roughly… a fucking long time, so we have had plenty of time to evolve to do cool shit and survive all types of crazy crap, right? Yeah, well, you’d be sadly mistaken because we can barely survive a scrape on the knee. One infection and boom it’s chopped off. See that’s why we need to be able to grow another leg! But anyway, if we look at ourselves, a human, and then at a fucking chameleon, who is 10 times cooler? A chameleon obviously. Them hoes can change colour and just DIY themselves into whatever the fuck they want. How does that even happen by evolution? Were they just created like that? And they got crazy fucking eyes that just roll around and they can just eat a fucking fly with their long-ass tongue. They haven’t got a care in the world. I was also wondering if they change colour naturally or is it kind of another thing they do kind of like moving a thumb. You don’t have to think about it but it’s still you who controls it? I don’t know and I sure as hell know I’m not gonna search for it.

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So obviously we have evolved which is great and all but leads me to question what we were like ages ago. I would guess we were fragile fucks because even now we die from everything. Like millions of years ago would we trip and literally shatter our whole leg? That sounds dumb as fuck because they were literal cavemen who would go out hunting for their food, but did globalisation really make us turn out like the needy people we are today? I suppose we are definitely better than the cavemen and we have come very far. I know that for a fact, and I realise that when people say dumb shit like “I don’t need the vaccine, the cavemen survived without it”. Like how the fuck do you know Karen? When did you last talk to one? And last time I checked they basically had the lifespan of a fly. So they survived but also died within a second. So on second thought, we have improved a lot but also in a very boring way. If I could pick between living long and being able to literally camouflage into everything, I think it’s obvious what I’d choose.

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Talking about what I would prefer to have evolved into, I want to talk about some things that I think would be amazing to adapt to. Firstly, surviving high falls. Wouldn’t it be literal comedy gold if we could just fall off a cliff and fucking bellyflop on that hoe and then we’d be kinda bounced back onto our feet and continue walking? Like what the fuck. Even if we could float down like a leaf hahahahah imagine that. You literally flat Stanley that shit and get whipped around in the air until you reach the ground.

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Something else that quite literally would be cool is being able to hold our breath for ages. I am not saying to breathe underwater because pfft that’s just soooo unrealistic, but like surely through survival of the fittest there would be an increase in the number of people who can hold their breath for longer because, well I don’t know, people had to get fish for food and then the people with weak lungs would die and the ones with strong longs would live. I don’t know! I literally dropped all y sciences and gave up in life so I don’t know what the fuck I’m even talking about so don’t just me. But a lot of other living things can do it and even some that fucking live in the sea (tbh that’s kinda embarrassing for them to not be able to breathe underwater lol). They’ve just gotta hold their breath and hope for the best. Fair enough like, I am literally 16 years old and lose my breath walking up the stairs, but I’m gonna blame that on the covid for now.

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Despite the fact I just dissed the entire planet in one post, I think it is fair to say that we aren’t the worst in terms of how we have evolved. At least we can respect what we have become and created. What species am I talking about? The wolves. They really had a glow down for the most part. Don’t get me wrong they are hella cute and I love them but oh my days they have lost all their dignity. They should have stayed away from humans all those years ago for their own sake. But tell me how my dog came from a long line of strong, fearless wolves that would have to hunt and live outside when she fucking cries if she has to walk on the tile floor and barks at you if you don’t give her 100% attention? Make it make sense.

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Yeah, so that’s all for me now guys. But I want to leave you with one question? What will we look like in the next 20 billion years? Wanna hear my guess? Dead. Comment down below what you have to say about how we have evolved and how we might in the future and don’t forget to like and follow for more. It also really helps me out to know that you enjoy this content and it’s free so what’s the harm? Wow, I really hate how I sounded there. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Let’s Discuss It | Parenting

It’s a bit ironic to have a literal kid (who has no kids) talking about parenting, but like I was just on a walk and it was kind of an existential kind of day and I was just thinking about how fucked up that shit is and how scary that must bloody be. Like it… Continue Reading →

I Have No Concept of Time At All

This is no joke guys. I have run into many awkward encounters because I have lost all concept of time. You know, I would have thought this was normal if we were in the middle of our first lockdown, but that ship sailed ages ago and I am back to a strict schedule and yet… Continue Reading →

Disney’s Deep Message Behind ‘The Little Mermaid’

I think we all gotta learn from Arial’s mistakes. No, not ‘don’t brush your hair with a fork’ but something else a lot deeper (pun not intended) that all the ladies out there gotta hear about. Btw this is in no way me tryna be a Karen and ‘cancel’ Disney, it’s just a good example… Continue Reading →

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Let’s Discuss It | New Borns

Whenever you grow up and someone says they have a “face only a mother could love”, that person is, one, a bitch, but two, speaking facts because, after the first time she sees her new-born baby, there is no way it can get any worse, so no matter what they look like when they grow up they will look better than when they were born. And that is what I wanted to talk about today because I feel like it really just has been ignored. Yeah, we could focus on the miracle of life, but I’m done with that shit, it’s time to talk about the truth. Why the hell do people think babies who have just departed from the womb are cuties? No! Stop. Just… stop.

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Maybe its because I’m not a mum and that would make sense but I’ve seen enough youtube vlogger families who show way to much of their life to know that, and I’m sorry to all the babies out there, that they are absolutely mingin’. I know they just came out from inside of you (trust me you can tell) but why they gotta look like that. Then they gotta shove it in the mum’s face as though she hasn’t been through enough already. Leave her alone! For me, I would want to see my baby after they had a full-blown bath and was all clean and shit because, preferably, I don’t want my baby to smell like my literal uterus when I see them first. Just me?

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But I do have to admit I find it ridiculous in movies where they don’t have the baby looking like it just came back from the war because it’s just more accurate. Some movies are just crazy because they make babies look like they come out of you with a hat, a blanket, and fucking diploma. Even though it may not look the nicest on the screen, you gotta be accurate because if that was all we knew then some parents would be pretty fucking scared when they have their first kid. How do movies make babies look like new-borns, maybe some are fake but then the need to b crying so they’ll probs need a real baby or do they literally cover it in fake blood with some extra shit on it? That’s gonna keep me up at night.

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It’s so funny though whenever she has just popped a baby out and then the person with them is like “He has your eyes”. Hands down the most offensive thing because I can barely tell his ass from his face right now. I’d just start crying and going “why would you even say that to me *sniff* who the fuck even gave me this baby, it’s sticky”. Maybe my reactions are a bit dramatised but it just shocks me how weird they look yet the parent’s always think it is the cutest thing in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I bet that when I have kids I’ll completely disagree with everything that I just said in this post, but for the record I just want say that babies look freaking weird.

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You gotta give it to me, they do look like potatoes… slimey potatoes… bloody slimey potatoes. I’m sure they’ll look cute after a wash but only then. It can be motiving to you as well because when you look at yourself in the mirror you can say to yourself with no word of a lie that your looks have improved. Take that as you will I suppose because maybe your thinking I’m just one big piece of shit who is a baby hater, but I’m not. I just don’t think we should lie any longer by saying that every day-old or two day-old baby is cute. They will be, so call me back after a few days, but for now I’ll keep my distance.

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You know what, I bet you that after the trauma of child birth anything would look good. Like at that point nothing could be worse than what you just went through so your baby probably looks like Jesus or something so I guess that’s fun. I guess I’ll have to find out but if it’s alright with you I’m gonna wait another while because I gotta find me cute first because if you can’t love yourself, then how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Don’t forget to like, comment what you think, and follow for more content like this. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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What Comes After 21?

If you are like me, an overthinker, you will most likely understand this question immediately. And no, the answer is a little more complicated than 22. I swear if I get a comment like that I will literally erase my existence. Anyways, for those who don’t really get what I mean, let me tell you…. Continue Reading →

Emotion Comes In Shades

What do I mean when I say “Emotion comes in shades”? No, I don’t associate colours with certain feelings, what I mean is that emotions aren’t so black and white. There are layers, different forms of emotions. It’s more deep than just sad, happy or confused. And I think that is what people find difficult… Continue Reading →

The Most Frustrating Thing Is Frustration

Being frustrated is a vicious cycle because frustration pretty much feeds off frustration. Like when you wake up and you are annoyed by the way the bed covers feel, you get frustrated cause you just like “fuck” and you know it’s gonna be a bad day. And there literally isn’t any way to control it… Continue Reading →

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The Christmas Spirit Is a Curse

the christmas spirit is a curse, christmas, snow, winter, comforting

Whoever said Christmas is about giving, not receiving is fucking right because bitch do I GIVE! Now I ain’t tryna brag and be like oh my days I’m so unlucky that I have to/can spend money to get stuff for my family, but like I’m just saying that I am acting as though I’ve got the cash to do it. By the end of the year, my only new year’s resolution is to not go overboard next Christmas, but we can all relate when I say this never works out. When it gets to Christmas time I just get the image in my head that when my family come down the stairs on Christmas morning that they will say “fuck you” to Santa’s gifts and go straight to mine because they know that it’s gonna be something amazing. Sadly, it comes at an expense

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The truth is, I am shite at presents (apart from this year I actually got some pretty good ones if I say so myself) so I don’t know why I always have such a high expectation for myself. The Christmas cheer basically makes me want to spend what I have. If I was one of those people I would say Christmas music is magic and actually makes me want to spend more and it is all a government plan to fix the economy. Lol, watch all the Karens get triggered. But no, I don’t know why I buy some of the things that I buy. Somebody tell me why the fuck I justify purchases like “my dog has been needing a Gucci belt actually”. Make it make sense. Most of the time I will be digging in the depths of my mind for a gift idea because it needs to be the best but that means it is usually some shit that they don’t even remember. I swear my twin will open her gift and be like “thanks, but why the fuck?” and I’ll be like “do you not remember the time you said you really wanted that” and she’ll be like “umm, no. When?” and then I’ll be like “when we were in the womb, silly”. Like it really is not ok for me.

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Seriously though, who do I think I am? Kim K? I’ll be over here splashing the cash like I’m in a water park. I literally never buy anything throughout the year because I literally have a phobia or some shit, but then by November/December time, the concept of being financially responsible has no significance to me. I will have literally spent a fuck tonne and be like “yeah I’ve got most of my gifts but I still need to add a few things and then I’m done”. My friends are probably over here like bitch where the fuck are you pulling this from because last week you couldn’t seem to find the spare change for a fucking train ticket (in my defence they are bloody expensive nowadays).

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One of the saviours for both me and my pocket is that my friends and I do a secret Santa so that we only have to buy 1 gift instead of gifts for everyone. To be honest, this could turn into a whole other post because that shit gets difficult when you got a twin in the same friend group, but I’ll leave that for another time if you want to hear about it. I also seem to get the same person every fucking time so at this point, I have no clue what else to get her. There are only so many inside jokes that can be made into a gift and I also want it to be something good. That shit is stressful for real but at least we got a price limit so we know that nobody gonna get a fucking grape when they just gave someone an iPhone.

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One last thing that really needs to be mentioned about the whole Christmas situation that you kinda forget about is having to open presents in front of people. This is the day of having to overemphasize your reactions because you gotta give that Christmas cheer. The truth is, I’ll be looking like the grinch tryna smile so much. Even if I like the gift I’ll have to fake so much excitement as though my life led up to that very moment. Let me show you the script that I am nominating for an oscar award:

*opens gift until I can just make out what it is*
me: *inhales the entire room in shock* Oh my god! This is so cool! *eyes wider than humanly possible* I’ve literally wanted this for ages! Thank you so much *finishes unwrapping the gift and holds it up to look at it at all angles while having my mouth wide open* This is so amazing, thank you so much for this pair of white socks!

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And scene… How did you like it? Pretty amazing right? I’ll let you guys use that one, on the house of course. It does have to be a whole big thing though doesn’t it and it makes it seem so fake even though you probably did like it. You just gotta let everyone feel appreciated but to be honest, unless it’s a life, I won’t be reacting like that for real. I appreciate everything, don’t get me wrong, but I’m just tryna act like I didn’t cry all night so that’s all I can deal with at the moment. Thank you.

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Anyways, a good side is that I have ‘rona (please read t the end of this sentence so that doesn’t sound bad) so Imma just says I need to wear a mask and then I won’t have to act so much. I’ll just act with my eyes. But yeah, please do comment below if your spending budget goes out the fucking window, neigh, out the fucking ozone layer, whenever it is Christmas time or if Christmas morning is actually really stressful for you. Don’t forget to like and follow as well for more content like this. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Do You Know What’s Weird? We Control Everything

In this post, I was originally going to talk about how the hour change is such a weird thing but then when I was thinking about what to talk about I just got into a spiral of how us humans basically run and control the world. Not as in like there is a control panel… Continue Reading →

The Butterfly Effect

What is the butterfly effect? It is the theory that even a tiny event, like a butterfly flapping its wings, can have a large impact in the future, like a hurricane. A lot of people also call it “the domino effect” because, as you know, when you hit one domino down, it hits them all… Continue Reading →

Your Parents Were 99.9% Right

I know this isn’t something you like to hear but it is true, your parents were 99.9% right. Not about everything, definitely not, but they were about this one thing that they told you when you were literally a foetus sized human being. And what is that? Well, do you remember when they would say… Continue Reading →

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2 COVID Tests and a Christmas in Quarantine

12 days ’til Christmas and my true love gave to me, a big fucking mess. I mean what the actual hell. Here I am with a bit of a sore head and a stuffy nose and then I take a wee lateral flow test before I go out to Ju-Jitsu but then the 2nd line pops up faster than Borris Johnson can answer a simple question. And I just looked at it like “oh shit” (the test that is, not Borris) and I was praying that it would just be the one line at the T so that means that it was just a faulty test so I waited and eventually the line came up next to the C and then I really panicked. I have never seen the T line come up so much quicker than the C line. What a fucking joke because I was second guess what I was actually looking at. But no that bitch was setting up camp and was not gonna leave any time soon. So I took another one and the exact same thing happened. The lines were not playing today.

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The covid must have been bouncing off the fucking walls because it came up positive so fast. I was kind of planning to get positive school results but the fucking coronavirus… that’s just unnecessary. And to be honest I had never really been nervous about it before but when I got the positive result I was so scared. Not for me to be honest like I’ll get over it but just for literally ruining Christmas. I will get out of quarantine before then but we just had so many plans with family and stuff and now I am making everyone miss it. How crap is that?! If it was any other time of year, apart from summer, it would be fine but of course, it never is.

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I do sound like an ungrateful bitch because this is probably not even half as bad as it could be and I do realise that I am very lucky but I’m the first in the family that we know of so it’s just a bit scary you know and I feel bad too. I thought that being the unsocial human being I am that I would be fine, but no. So like where the fuck did I get it from? I don’t even know. I only went to school and I went babysitting for one day but the kid was asleep so I wasn’t near him and his mum was away/not near me when I was at their house. I was also at my close friend’s house on Sunday but they are all negative and I’m guessing I had it then, but like that’s lucky if none of them gets it. Here is me literally like “hOw DiD I GeT cOvId? I dIdN’t EvEn Go OuT” but then continues to list the busiest week I have had this year. That is sad for me to admit but that just shows I was never really out and about with people before.

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I have just gotten a PCR test this morning so these will have the official results and hopefully will tell me what strand it is. I don’t know why I’m so dumb, but I’m still thinking there is a chance it comes back negative. THANK FUCK if it is but literally I took 2 lateral flows and they both came back positive within seconds. I just don’t want it anymore. I want to go back for the last week of school!! I mean put me on camera and call me annaxsitar because I don’t want it.

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So yeah, I don’t really know what to do anymore and I guess I’ll keep you updated on the results but it just feels so weird how I am gonna be part of the statistics now. I have never got it or been friends with someone who got it before so it’s really different and I just wish this was just a really bad dream and that I would wake up and be like “thank fuck” because I just regret everything. I don’t even know what to regret though because I don’t know where I got it. So I guess make sure that you take regular tests and be safe. I mean I’ll be fine but just think about the others who aren’t gonna be as lucky if they get it.

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I hope you enjoy this post and please do comment below if you or anyone you know has/had covid because I’m sure there are a lot but I’m not really sure what to do at the moment. I’m lucky that I’m young and healthy so please don’t think I am being ungrateful and attention-seeking, it’s just a bit confusing at the moment but thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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The Method Guaranteed To Make a Lifelong Friend

I’m not someone who is overly confident, or confident in any sense of the word to be honest, but I have found that there is something that people say when I first talk to them that instantly makes me want to get to know them and be best friends. I have also only really recognised… Continue Reading →

Growing up: Expectations vs. Reality

I know that title makes me sound like I’m fucking ancient or some shit but like I am only 16. To be fair though this is me nearly becoming an adult and like is one of the biggest changes in life so I suppose I can talk about growing up. The difference between me now… Continue Reading →

Is 6th Year Really Worth It?

I’m in lower 6th and yes I have only been so for about 3 months but the thing is that I didn’t even know if I wanted to go back to that hell-hole. The only reason I did go was because I didn’t know what else to fucking do and I have FOMO so I… Continue Reading →

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After 7 Years I’m Not Sure My Pet Is A Dog

I know what you are thinking, “what the fuck does your dog look like”. But it isn’t because of that. She is literally the cutest thing you will ever see, well… apart from at the moment because she just got a haircut that made her hella ugly, but it’s fine it’ll grow back. The thing is that she literally has the personality of everything BUT a dog. Like she is just so confusing in terms of literally every part of her and we love it and wouldn’t change her for the world but I also kinda feel like we picked up the wrong pet. I don’t know what happened but this bitch does not match the product description. I’ll keep her but like what? Anyways, I am sure you are all very confused by what I am talking about so I’m just gonna get into it. Don’t forget to comment down below what you think is wrong with my ‘dog’ or if your dog is just as weird.

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Cow

I ain’t tryna be rude or anything but this bitch is just a small cow. I’ll let her outside and one second later she’ll be tearing up the grass like it’s a fucking dance floor. It’s scary to be honest because she is so tiny but the amount of energy and movement and creepy noises that she lets out is honestly demonic, which funnily enough is one of her other personalities I’m going to mention later. It does be kinda funny though because my dad gets so pissed. He’ll have just perfectly cut every blade of grass separately so they are the exact same height and this hoe will fly out and eat that shit like popcorn, so before you know it there are just patches in our garden and in the corner there is just this tiny dog with green grass stains on her beard (she is a miniature schnauzer btw).

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It is quite the sight I must admit and I suppose it’s a talent. Like no joke I think she has worked out that it can help her to stop and turn whenever she is going really fast. No joke she will run like a mad thing and then if she wants to pull a wee sneaky turn, she’ll munch the grass so that her body will swing around and she can turn without having to stop or slow down. It’s so funny and I can’t even describe it which frustrates me, but just imagine this dog is running at full speed and just full-on head buts the ground and goes spinning into a completely different direction and then just runs into the night. It is honestly confusing. She seems to like it too. Sometimes if we are just standing around and she gets a bit bored she will deadass just sit on the grass and nibble on it like it’s a fucking chicken wing.

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Deer

To be fair, this part of her is so cute and actually makes me die inside with the amount of joy I feel. So anyway, there used to be this field near our house that we called ‘the long grass field’ (wow how original, how thought-provoking) and we loved to go there because my dog would just run around and would have to leap everywhere just so she could see where she was going. Literally, sometimes we would be like “oh shit where did she go” and then we would have to wait until she leapt up again. And let me tell you, that bitch can jump. Not just like on her back legs but she does it straight from standing so she is just like a fucking deer that is prancing around and shit. It’s so funny because you can just tell she is an absolutely loving life. I wonder what that feels like :/

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Cat

Not only do I see her in this way as she is a scaredy-cat, but also because she can be such a bitch sometimes. She can give one hell of a side-eye and make you get flashbacks from high school when these bitches would be slabbering (which I suppose is my present lol) but it is literally so funny because you could just be sitting there and you would breathe weirdly and you can just feel the judgement radiating off her. Like what the fuck did I do to you? The level of disrespect is astronomical. She just sits there and judges you as if she didn’t just literally lick her ass in the middle of the living room. She has got some nerve.

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She is also slinky as fuck at some points. Usually whenever she is lying down and comfy, or like she’s just in a mood where she can’t be arsed to do anything. So you just try to pick her up and she won’t try to stop you but she won’t try to help you either. Like you know when you try to pick up a cat and it just seems like they are just stretching because you can lift up their belly as much as you want but they are still gonna have 4 paws on the ground. You could be flinging that bitch around but no matter what they still gonna be standing. Well, that is basically my dog and, to be honest, it’s a vibe.

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Statue

This pretty much just goes against everything I said in my last post, but as we are establishing in this post, she can shapeshift real quick. One moment she is a liquid, the next she’s a bloody ancient statue. It is so weird though because for such a small dog she has so much strength. Like I just know she got some abs or some shit. I swear I’ll come downstairs someday and she’ll be on the weights and singing “it’s about drive it’s about power, we stay hungry we devour. Put in the work, put in the hours and take what’s ours”. Literally no joke.

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Honestly, I think the perfect way to describe my dog is oobleck. Like I just realised that and honestly, it is the only way to fully understand what she is like. If you are just tryna pick her up gently, she’ll just turn to liquid, but if you fucking PUNCH HER IN THE FA… Nah, I’m just joking lol. But if you are walking her on the leash and she just stops, you better know that you’ll be wiped out like a cillet bang commercial “bang and the dirt is gone”. Genuinely it confuses me because she will not move at all. I get scared that someday she will genuinely break her neck because I never really walk that fast but the level of force she gives off when she just stops out of nowhere could literally break the leash.

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She also gets like that when you put a coat on her or literally any sort of clothing that isn’t her collar. That kinda is sad though because she would look hella cute if she wore a Halloween costume or a little raincoat. Like it is just too adorable, but then when you do she’ll do the side-eye glare and literally stand in that one spot until you take it off her. No joke, one time I put her towel over her and then left the room and then my mum said when she came down an hour or so after, she was still standing in the same spot with the towel over her. That’s stubborn as fuck but I respect that.

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Person

I don’t really know how to explain this very well because it is more of an energy that she gives off. Like you just look at her and how she moves and interacts and she is just a human. She likes to sit up with us at the dinner table (although my dad will never allow her cheeky fuck) and although this is basic for all dogs, when you say her name and start talking to her she will keep looking at you as though she is understanding what we say. Don’t get me wrong there is literally nothing going on behind those eyes, but it’s the thought that counts I guess.

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She also loves to be around people and I know that is just a basic thing for dogs, but it isn’t always for the attention. Don’t get me wrong she is a bit of an attention seeker but after a while, she will just sit down somewhere, usually on the armchair, and just be another person who is listening to all the convos going on. To be honest, though all these examples are a bit of a stretch, but I can’t really think of a way to show you what I mean. She just has so much emotion that you are kinda like “you were a whole ass human in another life”. If she barks and you ignore her, you better know damn well that she’ll jump up next to you and full-on smack you in the face. That isn’t even a joke though. Like it is good that I wear glasses because that bitch comes out of nowhere and just fly kicks you in the face. It’s cute though I guess.

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Demon

Kind of adding onto the last thing I said, she can be rude as fuck. She will get what she wants and she will do whatever it takes to get it. It is cute at the start but then you are just like “would you literally stop hitting me with your sharp ass nails bitch”. She also gives demon vibes whenever she gets really energetic and gets the zoomies or whatever the fuck that is called. You know when they just go mental and run around everywhere and bark at nothing? Yeah well, that’s it. But you can see it build up. She kinda leans back and goes really close to the floor and her ears are literally plastered t the back of her head. Then her eyes got really wide and her mouth slowly opens and then she just goes ballistic.

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It’s so funny though because I’ll be walking and then all of a sudden this happens and she is basically spinning around as though she’s about to fucking take off. And sometimes she just can’t stop herself because she is so fast and then literally runs right into a wall or a fence and she’ll get humbled real quick. I just laugh, to be honest, but then she gets started again. And it’s embarrassing when people walk by and you’re trying to convince them that you aren’t stealing this dog and they are in fact a good girl. She is a cutie though and she would never hurt a fly, or rather she could never hurt a fly. That bitch small as fuck.

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Elephant

I compare my dog to an elephant not only because she has massive ears and is literally so cute, but also because her nose is fucking powerful. Not even joking, there was this one time that I went to pick her up from her wee doggy daycare thing and when I got there I knocked and was waiting for someone to answer and I heard something really weird. I genuinely got scared for a moment because I thought there was a hurricane or some shit starting up. Genuinely it went on for like a minute and my heart was beating but then it stopped and I looked in the door and it was my fucking dog. She deadass was sniffing the hell out of the door. I nearly started pissing myself because I had never heard anything like it. She was tryna smell if it was me but she nearly sucked me in at the strength she was sniffing at. You look at her and think she is the most harmless thing ever but the things that come out of that wee body is frightening.

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Soap

This one is completely different to all the other things but if I’m gonna be honest with you, this is hands down the most accurate. Tell me why Miss girl turns into fucking Bambi whenever she walks on anything that isn’t carpet? Like that isn’t a joke. It’s as though bloody Frozone swooped in just when she goes to walk. And she genuinely is scared though and it’s so stupid because she will put herself into an awkward situation. She will deadass jump out of her bed and walk into the kitchen, which has tiled floors, then the next second she’s barking like she’s got a problem with us. But tell me why she can waddle into the kitchen just fine, but when it’s time to head back, she ain’t never walked before. Like, make it make sense bitch!

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I do have to admit that when she walks she can literally wipe herself onto the ground. I have expected a referee to come out and confirm a knockout because she hits the floor like a brick. Other times she just runs like a cartoon where she is moving her legs so fast but doesn’t get anywhere. It’s so funny because you can see she is trying to be so careful but then all of a sudden she just blasts off but literally doesn’t go anywhere for a solid 5 seconds. It is so funny. But do you want to hear her solution? Walking backwards. That isn’t even a joke. Hands down that are what she does. She will turn her ass around and back it up like a fucking truck. But it works so I guess that’s fair enough.

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Anyways, I kinda feel bad about slabbering about my dog for a hot minute but it’s all the truth, to be honest. Maybe that’s why she glares at me… oh well. Please comment down below if your dog does any of these things and if you are a professional please tell me what the hell is up with her. Whether or not she is a dog I don’t care because she is still the cutest thing you’ll ever see and I’d fight you on it. Don’t forget to like and subscribe for more. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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I Quit…Was It A Big Mistake?

So I would like to preface that I am a 16 year old who had a part-time job so obviously if you are like a mum of 5 or something and you are thinking about quitting, I would think it through a lot more than what I am going to mention but like just for… Continue Reading →

Alexa | Let’s Discuss It

You know. I’m not going to start slabbering about this hoe about the fact she might be listening to us, although I have a few creepy stories about that, or the fact she might be taking our personal information, because I mean why the fuck would anyone want to know that. Today I’m gonna talk… Continue Reading →

I’m not above a fight

See, I don’t really like it when people are cheeky to me. I mean you can be upfront and shout at me and I’ll be fine with that. My sisters have conditioned me to that. But if you are being passive aggressive or cheeky in front of me or behind my back, I won’t hesitate… Continue Reading →

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Shocking Event That United The UK More Than Ever

Now I’m not someone who gets political, not even when it comes to Brexit taking our magic stars, but this phenomenon has to be mentioned. It is absolutely mental how this one thing has united the countries within the UK more than anything else. I feel we have actually joined as a team to create this strong movement that actually helped us achieve our goal. But without further ado, I won’t leave you hanging on the topic for too long. It’s “I’M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!”

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I’m not an avid watcher of the news, but I can tell you that not even the weatherman could have predicted this. The UK has actually joined together to improve our daily entertainment. I am gonna assume that all of you reading this today will be familiar with the show, but I’ll give a quick wee run-down for you all. *clears throat* So a tall man and a short man host a reality TV show where 12 celebrities are made to stay in the jungle (or, because of covid, a castle in wales which tbh makes it kinda shite) where they are made to face trials with a bunch of gross crap, and they can also only eat rice and beans but can win stars in trials that will win them food for the camp. So that’s the quick recap of the whole topic of the show, but I’ll give a wee sentence about what has happened so far that has made the entire UK work together. *deep breathe* there is a guy called Naughty Boy who is obsessed with planning to leave the camp and he is really bloody annoying and I feel he is on drugs (he literally made a robin friend) but now everybody votes him in the trials to try and humble him and because he gets really annoyed and that is good TV.

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I'm a celebrity 2021 naughty boy arguing
This is naughty boy
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That was all a bit fast but I mean what do you want me to do? Just go watch it yourself biotch. It is good though but I’m not gonna get into the full-on fucking review because that isn’t what I do here. I’m here to talk about the absolutely hilarious situation that kinda shocks me and makes me laugh so much. So you know what I said about how Naughty boy is kinda very annoying and causes drama for no fucking reason? Well yeah, the entire UK has caught onto that on the very first day and we subconsciously decided we were gonna target him. I guess you could say that we are the people in school who always winds up the quiet kid and laugh when they literally go crazy. It is fun though I have to admit.

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And for all those people who are reading this now and going down to the comments to say how I should be ashamed of myself, I’m gonna stop you real quick and tell you the facts. This man literally did one trial and his head went all over the place. No joke he didn’t stop talking about how he wanted to leave the camp before he even put his foot in the door and was going on like “uhh, just remember that those people say they love you but they don’t really” and “they are the reason I left, just remember that”. Bitch you haven’t even breathed the same air as them yet. You gotta go and turn everyone against these lovely people, but then when people get annoyed at you you’re shocked like “Woah Woah”. Just go and live with your bloody robin already because it’s getting old real quick.

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naughty boy being annoying I'm a celebrity 2021
You can just how done with his shit they are
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I do have to say that I think all the trials he has had to do have really humbled him. I don’t think he is a considerate human being yet, but he is getting there. Is he really fucking slow? Like literally physically slow and aloof with everything he does? Yes, and it will forever annoy me (literally no joke though he is like one of the really slow people you can’t get past on the street). But I think he is definitely slightly less shit than at the start. Maybe I and the rest of the UK can start to ween him off the trials. Give him a little more wiggle room to see how he copes again. If he starts working up again we’ll send him straight back in, but if he has genuinely grown the fuck up, then we’ll give him a second chance. We are reasonable like that.

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Still, though, I find it so crazy how the whole of the UK just had the same idea. We can’t agree on shit but we can agree on this. And it was literally without being mentioned at all. I didn’t see anything about him on Instagram, Twitter, literally anywhere never mind talking about making him do all the trials. For all I know this is the first time you have read about him. To be fair I think I kinda did clickbait everyone and probably ended up with a bunch of politics reading this, but if you ask me this is definitely more interesting and relevant. It do be crazy though because we aren’t all that different. We all know an idiot when we see one and we all know what to do with one when we do. And that is to make him drink weird shit and embarrass himself on TV. We do love drama I gotta admit.

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Tell me in the comment section if you want me to keep you all in the loop with anything to do with I’m a celeb because I do watch it every night and it is some craic I must admit. Actually, I do have to speak up about yesterday’s episode so if anyone isn’t wanting spoilers then why are you reading this? The fuck. So yeah, anyway, why the fuck did Kadeena leave? I literally wrote about how the whole of the UK was finally on the same page but then you gotta go and fuck it up. Like you know she deserves to be there. To be fair I didn’t want either of the two girls to leave but like oh my day’s guys you gotta pull yourself together man. I just realised that is why people want you to vote so bad… wow. So yeah guys get your fucking phone out and save the good ones.

Get It Together GIF - Ednamode The incredibles Abusive GIFs ...
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I hope you liked this post and let me know if you are keeping up to date with I’m a celebrity. Gotta love a little bit of Ant and Dec. Don’t forget to like and subscribe for more content just like this which I try to post every other day. I hope you have a great day stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Train wreck of thought

I haven’t posted in a while, obviously, and I ain’t gonna explain why because it’s more boring than you think. It’s not like I went on a fucking trip to the Bahamas despite the fact I hope to go there some day if corona ever goes away. But anyways, a lot has happened like me… Continue Reading →

Makeup and Me

First of all, to the people who are in the comments right now saying “It’s makeup and I, not makeup and me” literally take you Hermione Granger ass outside or “I” will personally make Jeff Bezos land his fucking dick rocket on you. I mean would you slate Marley and Me for the grammar issue?… Continue Reading →

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Rating English From A Native Speaker

Those who have read my blog before will understand and agree with me when I say I don’t know shit about writing good in English. Lol, that was a joke, but I am still pretty bad at it. I constantly have Grammarly on when I type and either the whole sentence is fucking underlined in red or (because I have the free version) it just goes orange and stares at me obnoxiously. I’ll tell you what though, I’ve really put them to the test and for the free version, I would highly recommend (not sponsored lol). I also think that if you were to hear me speak that you would be like “shit she wasn’t lying” because I literally forget what words are in different tenses and I kid you not I literally forgot the word tenses and was just gonna write past, present and future timings. That’s embarrassing for me

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I wanted to give some examples of the things that I get mixed up with especially in terms of the tenses because you might be thinking “what is this bitch talking about”. The truth is I just overthink it and when you actually think of words and grammar it just fucks with your mind. My first conundrum of the day isn’t actually to do with tenses so sorry to get your hopes up I guess, but it’s the way that “funner” isn’t a word. Who the hell decided on that? Like that isn’t even funny. But do you know what is worse than the word funner not existing? The fucking dictionary-ass people who have the audacity to remind you. Mind your damn business because while you might mind it fun to do, it’s a whole lot funner to shut your mouth. Like it ain’t funny though tbh. Can you really look me in the face and tell me I give a shit about grammar? No

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I would also like to slightly redeem my dignity by saying I’m not crap at languages because I actually am pretty good at Spanish if I do say so myself. Por ejemplo… hola. Jokes I actually do really enjoy Spanish and I learn it in school and shit. I’m not just saying that to brag but I do have a point. I think I am crap at English because I have been studying a completely new language and having to learn all types of tenses and think about all the different grammar crap that comes with it. I swear to god I have never heard or realized I’ve been using all these tenses. There’s the pluperfect, imperfect, preterite, conditional and so much more. That has meant that I’ve been more focused on what we have to do for English and now I’m so fucking thankful that it’s my first language. It causes me to have a mental breakdown so I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like.

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What’s the whole deal with the fucking copycat words like there, their and they’re or right and write or your and you’re. It’s a whole big thing for no goddamn reason! Honestly, how do you do it though? Surely it’s so confusing and just when you think you get the hang of it they turn up with a whole new rule book. Like where you put the apostrophe to show possession and then what to do if there is more than one person. I literally don’t even know it myself and I just guess. I mean it’s a 50/50 chance that I’ll get it right and the majority of the time I’ve got autocorrect to help but I don’t know what I’m gonna do when I gotta write shit for real. My boss will probably read my CV and just cry at it. I’ll just be there like “Hello, I’m the greatest for this job because I can talk good to customer’s and listen more good than any other person who you hiring.” I’ll literally give them a seizure and then be like “NO OH!”

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Thank fuck there aren’t any accents in English though because that would be the last straw for me. Apostrophes are enough for me and although Spanish quite literally has accents in it, I can just about forgive them because they only go one away/are a squiggle. I did French for a few years in school and my mental health was going up and down just like the fucking accents because I couldn’t for the life of me figure them out. And then you’d have to pronounce them too. Obviously, that would get easier but my vocal abilities are so limited that I might as well be some new category like ditone because I’m not quite monotone but I find it hard to fluctuate mid-word. It would drain me literally. That reminds me, I also don’t know the difference/when to say literally or figuratively. I also have to admit that the only reason I can remember the difference between inferring and imply is through The Simpsons because Lisa said something and then Homer was like “what are you inferring?” Then Lisa was like “no, I imply, you infer” and then Homer was like “oh thank god”. I might actually still get that wrong but until I’m told otherwise I will say it like that

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Although we may not have accents on our words, we just had to go and add ‘silent letters’ to shit. That actually makes me speechless because you can not convince me that isn’t the biggest prank in the world. And then there are also words with like double n’s and double ss’s and at that point, I give up. No joke because I know that there should be double of something but I don’t know where. Mississippi… excuse me? No. Pteridactal. Where was the need? It doesn’t add any significance to the word by making it have a random letter. There is no point. Again, if English wasn’t my first language I would not even try. Like why is English somehow the default language? Who decided that. I mean I am very lucky to have it as my first language and that a majority of the people I will ever talk to also know/have learned English so I don’t really have to learn another language which when you think about it is a privilege and makes me sound like a bitch. Surely there is a nicer language to be the default. I think Spanish should be because it’s just so fun to speak and sounds good. Like the Northern Irish accent makes me gag. It is fucking awful and that’s partly why I wouldn’t make a podcast.

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I would also like to add that I have the most basic vocabulary out of everyone on this planet. That isn’t even a joke because I remember when we transitioned from Primary school to high school and in English class or just when you talked to people they would come out with these big words and I’m here trying to sound out Wed-nes-day. I am gonna blame my primary school on that one because I mean they weren’t the best but they got me where I needed to be. It did suck though because I basically had to sit with a dictionary to comprehend what they were saying and then when it came to like exams or just talking in general the thesaurus became my literal bible. Do I remember any of them? No, that shit goes through one ear and out the other, but I just cared less and realised that if they wanna talk their own bloody language then they can go ahead and do that because I’m gonna stay here and be proud that I got the word ‘comprehend’ into this post.

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One last thing that I wanted to talk about before I closed off on this post is something that I guess can happen with all languages, but it’s just when you say a word so many times that it sounds so weird. I just searched it up and found out that the word for this is ‘Semantic Satiation’ which sounds so freaky. Do you get that? I swear even if I say a word twice within the same minute it will seem like a completely different language. It’s because you never think of it and it’s only when you realise you’ve been saying it a lot that you focus on it and then you realise that English is fucking weird. Words like ‘fork’ or ‘kettle’ are just so random. They would be the type of words that you would giggle at with your friends because it sounds so weird. Yes, we were fucking annoying.

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Anyways, that’s all I can really talk about without getting freaked out by my own words and thoughts so I guess I will leave you to it. If you are someone who is currently learning or is fluent in English as their second language, please do comment below and tell me what you feel because I can’t even begin to imagine how crazy it must sound. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Back To School. Could I be bothered?

The answer is no, but it is also a bit more complicated than that. Do I like the first day of school where everything is new, you get the new time tables, new classes, new teachers? Yes, you could say that. But in general, I really could not be arsed to go back. Lately when… Continue Reading →

Do You Know What’s Weird? Eyes

Because I am SUCH an expert in this field, I am going to talk about all aspects. That directly translates to, I think about this shit a lot and think it would be weird to have “eyebrows, eyelashes, eyes and under eyes” in the title. So I guess we’ll get into it, but first I’m… Continue Reading →

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Which Sense of Humour Do You Have?

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I think that to start this post we need to figure out what the word “humour” really means. I’m no Oxford dictionary but in my opinion, it is the things we find funny and that we enjoy making/hearing jokes about. Nothing fancy just a basic bitch definition. I guess now that is out of the way, we can start to get into it. I will also mention some of the ones that I would fit myself into which I suppose is multiple but we can all relate at some points. Don’t forget to tell us in the comment section what sense of humour you have.

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Dark Humour

We are all familiar with what dark humour is, but for all the idio- people out there I will explain. It’s basically when you find things that are supposed to be serious, and are quite morbid, to be funny. It can also be quite smart and well thought through despite the fact it was off the cuff and that makes it a bit worrying because you may find it funny but you also like “oh shit is this person ok” or “oh shit is this person going to kill me”. But at that point, it is a judgement call and in my experience, it’s just a coping mechanism.

I will now give you all a few examples which I actually am scared might offend someone in some way. Not as in they are gonna be offensive but like I don’t want people to be like “that was really disrespectful” or some shit. But THAT IS DARK HUMOUR and you better get over yourself bitch!

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  • Where did sally go when the bomb went off?
    everywhere.
  • This is just a general statement, but like if someone were to hurt themselves then someone with a dark sense of humour would laugh. Like it do be funny though. Kids be falling and tripping for no god damn reason
  • This example isn’t a phrase either but it’s from a video and literally makes me piss myself because it’s so funny but there is this video of this blind girl who is talking with this news presenter and they are talking about everything the girl has achieved in her life and the presenter goes “is there anything you can’t do” just because she is so amazing and the girl dead ass says “see”
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Sarcastic Humour

This humour is my cuppa tea but it’s also a wee bit risky if I say so myself. Like you gotta be careful who you say this too. It can sometimes come with a little bit of truth and may actually expose yourself a wee bit too but the added risk is fun I suppose. But what is it? It’s basically just saying something but not really meaning it. I guess you know what sarcasm is and it’s basically that but making it. It’s an art form, to be honest (that was kind of an example of sarcasm but like it’s also hard to get across in text so it takes a bit of expression and tone as well. Don’t ask me why I am developing this shit so much). This is my go-to when it comes to joking with friends and to be honest it makes up my whole personality trait to the point that it isn’t humour anymore, it’s just down-right sad.

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Yeah but enough of that I suppose. Let’s get into a few wee examples. To be honest, they make up the majority of my posts because I just find everything a joke, for example, my life, and this can also slot into another sense of humour that I mention later. These are also kinda one-liners and a bit situational so like you kinda had to be there so like if you don’t find them funny please don’t attack me because I will in fact cry 🙂

two spidermen pointing meme
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  • Friend “can you help me with something”
    Me “no…”
    *stare at each other awkwardly like the 2 spidermen guys*
  • Me “do you know what I literally so much?”
    Friend “what?”
    Me “you”
    *stare at each other awkwardly like the 2 spidermen guys* again

I’m so fucking lucky my friends get my humour or else I’d literally have nobody in my life right now lol. Like I sound like such a bitch but I swear it is all in good taste

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Actual Humour

To be fair, what is actual humour? Like I guess it’s the classics like knock-knock jokes (despite the fact they’re shite) but like people might not find that humour. Well, I actually don’t really give a fuck and don’t want to talk about that so let’s get into it. This is the basic bitch, default setup, awkward laugh combo platter and if this is your main sense of humour you are either lying or a granny who has been desensitised by the crap jokes they put on the kids shows you are basically forced to watch all day.

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So I guess I’ll give a few but you already know what they are gonna be basically. You don’t have to be a genius to know these and it takes literally one brain cell to understand
– knock knock
who’s there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting cow wh-
MOOOOOOOO
– Knock knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
Well, there is no need to cry about it!

It’s literally so obnoxious ad stupid. It’s literally so unfunny and painful to listen to that you have nothing else to do by laughing. It is just pain

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Self-Depricating Humour

Watch out for these people because behind every self-deprecating joke is some truth. Like you can laugh but also keep an eye out for them lol. I do admit this is another go-to for me and is always easy to do when you hate yourself 😮 (Pulled a wee sneaky one on you). Sadly enough though a lot of people find it funny and use it often. Like we all laugh at something and make the same joke but then all just look around awkwardly like “we really are fucked up aren’t we”. It’s a bonding experience though, also a coping mechanism, but bonding nonetheless. It’s so simple too like it’s sad that we can literally make anything into a self-deprecating joke.

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So now for examples, but I feel like I should also address those bitches who use it for attention. Like they will just out of the blue be like “uh I’m so ugly today lol” and then act sad until someone says “awk no you’re beautiful”. NO! I literally hate that and there is a pretty fucking obvious difference so don’t even try to get yourself out of it if you do that sometimes.

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  • *in some random video an ogre walks down the street (not Shrek though, obviously he’s a babe)*
    Me “ok but who took that video of me?”
  • This next example is literally me the other day and I’m kinda mad about the actual situation but it was a pretty good self-deprecating joke:
    *me literally gets hit in the head by a bottle the idiots in our school are throwing*
    Me – what the actual fuck! Concussed question mark? (yes I say question mark)
    * me also goes on to tell people about how I’ve literally had so many head injuries in my lifetime*
    Me – maybe that’s why I’ve got a big ass forehead?!
  • Me – *does one thing wrong*
    also me – I literally hate myself so much

Sometimes you just gotta take one for the team, ya know? Sacrifice your life for Pakistan GRAPE!

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Teacher Humour

This is an exclusive package that you actually get when you become a teacher. Like that bitch is limited edition and we all gotta respect that as soon as we go into their classroom. Surely they are aware that they can’t make a joke like I can’t make sense of their class. Surely they know that we aren’t over here pissing ourselves and barely being able to breathe because their joke was funny. We just tryna get outta doing work/don’t want to get shouted at. Like I barely heard what you said but if I see the slightest smirk on your face I’m gonna laugh like you just turned into fucking Kevin Hart. You better know I’ll be rolling on the floor.

teacher jokes smh : dankmemes

But seriously though, teachers laugh at everything and joke about everything so we out here getting abs with all the fake laughing we gotta do. Just look at some of these examples:

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  • In my chemistry class my teacher was telling us how to remember the difference between Cations and anions and to be fair they were pretty helpful tips but she thought she was absolutely hilarious. She was like “cations has cat in it and cats are paw-sitive lol, and then anions are like onions and they make you cry, so they are negative” and we just looking at her like ha yeah.
  • Just any time they mention anything about how they would leave their job if not for something else. Like you are literally kind of a bit hurt because they be like “I wish I could just run away and live on a beach where I would never have to work here again haha” or “I would love to do *some other job* but I guess i’m just here lol”. Like damn what the fuck. So we just gotta laugh here to bring the mood back up. Like god damn just teach us some maths so we can get the fuck out of here.

They always gotta do the demonic laugh as well where they like chuckle but like you can see in their eyes that they are crying out for help and literally hate everything. They have good intentions though and for me, it’s usually just a pity laugh.

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Anti-Joke Humour

This is quite similar to sarcastic humour but, if you are an expert like me, you will know the difference. Basically, the difference is that sarcastic humour is kinda more chillaxed and off the cuff, but with anti-joke humour, it’s probably more planned out and thought about. It might have a bit of a delayed laugh as well because obviously, you are expecting a joke but then it’s pretty much just a fact. Oh and yeah that reminds me, an anti-joke is basically setting something up as you would a joke and then the punchline is just matter-of-fact. I’ll give examples obviously but that’s what it is. And if I’m gonna be honest with you, the people who have this as the humour they come up with a lot are probably going through some shit. Like I find it funny and a lot of others do but can never really come up with one and say it in the right way unless I’m in one of my “low patches”. No attack on anyone by the way. I suppose another form of anti-joke is just one that wasn’t intended to be funny but then the way you said it or the way you timed it was just perfect and I respect that tbh.

I’m gonna go into examples now obviously, I mean why do I find the need to say that every fucking time I’m pretty sure that you have got that already. But yeah the first one that I am gonna say is something kinda shocking and I only found out about it a few days ago and it kinda fucked my mind a wee bit.

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  • Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
  • What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half a cat
  • What’s white and can’t climb a tree? A fridge

Like they are so fucking stupid and like so fucking random but I don’t know why that literally cracks me up. I think it’s just so funny because it literally isn’t funny whatsoever and you kinda just end up looking at the other person in the eyes as you both question how your life led up to this one moment.

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“Too Far” Humour

This humour actually bugs me and I feel as though it can also be called “that one popular kid who sits in the back of the class and try to make everyone laugh but really he is a dick and people are just scared of him/want to impress him” humour but that’s a wee bit too long. What I find hilarious about it though is whenever you grow up and so does everyone else but they are the same idiot they were 4 years ago so now when they make a joke literally nobody gives a shit and just looks at them in disgust and you feel embarrassed for them. There is a group of people in my school like that and I just don’t think they’ve got rid of that god-complex yet and they haven’t accepted the fact that literally, nobody likes them lol. But back to talking about the “too far” humour. This is basically where they make jokes about things that aren’t meant to be joked about. Not like dark humour where it is still innocent and doesn’t hurt anyone, but when they joke about stuff that is literally offensive and disrespectful.

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  • Me – *plays football/breathes*
    idiot man – ShOuLdN’t YoU bE iN tHe KiTcHeN?! ahahahah Go MaKe Me A sAnDwIcH
    (this applies to literally any ‘joke’ like that)
  • Just joking around with your friends and then they go too far and talk about something actually personal to you and is a sensitive topic. Like I have heard guys in the back of our class talking and then they would be like “well at least I know my dad” or sometimes they would be straight up racist. Like maybe that’s a ‘guy thing’ but still that sounds fucked up.

These are the kinda jokes that make other generations think we are snowflakes but literally we are just respectful and more of an understanding person. Like they say it isn’t that deep but it kinda is. Just because it might not have offended anyone in this room, doesn’t mean it isn’t offensive.

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Gas-Lighting Humour

I actually had one of my friends tell me a story the other day about how she was literally gas-lighted by her parents, but like in a funny innocent way, and it really just cracked me up tbh. Obviously, in some cases, it isn’t funny but just whenever someone is so gullible that they fall for shit so easily makes me actually die. I’m quite a gullible bitch myself and I have another friend who is as well and the fact it is so easy to trick them is just priceless. They never learn and you kinda make fun of them after which is the gas-lighting part but ah well lol. Do I feel like a shitty person afterwards? Yup. Do I do it to everyone? Fuck no. Do I use too many rhetorical questions? Hell yeah.

Before I give these examples I just want to say that they may sound like the dumbest shite ever but it was just an “at the moment” type thing so don’t even be judging me.

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  • So the story with my friend and her parents was that she was asking to go to a party and they were like “fine but you will have to take a breathalizer when you get home”. They had like police friends and all that shit so he had easy access. So she was like “fine” and then went to the party. She was proper raging and to be fair she did still drink and was willing to face the consequences when they came. So she got back home and her parents were like “right then, how much did you drink” and she was like “I only had 2 cups” and they were like “ok, bye”. She was proper fuming like what the hell was happening. They just let her go yet she was freaking out about it for ages and trying to figure out how to trick the system or some shit and tgen they just started laughing at her because they couldn’t believe she actually believed it. Like her whole family were pissing themselves because she thought she was actually about to be breathalized. Kinda funny I must admit
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  • This next story is one where I was the person being laughed at and my sister literally brings it up every fucking second of the day even 6 years after it happened. So we had juts got a puppy (a miniature schnauzer to be exact) and we loved that hoe. We were already wanting to get another and my mum who had not even liked dogs that much (what a fucking weirdo) actually loved our dog. So then one day when I was going home from some sort of club type thing, my older sister was really excited and she was like “we got another puppy!” and I was like “actually fuck off do you really expect me to believe that” and she kept going on about the fact it was the truth. That bitch deserved an oscar because I started to believe her. I knew in the back of my head that it was obviously a lie but I wanted it to be true so bad that I believed it. Then we got home and was like I’m catch this hoe red handed. There is definitely no fucking dog in this house. Then she ran outside to our dog’s bit of the garden and then came back with this minature schnauzer in her hands and it was really small so I went up to see it. Tell me why this bitch was holding a fucking statue? I really started to pet a fucking piece of clay. She really did me dirty there.
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Intricate Humour

I can never really get this type of humour down but I find it really funny whenever it fails and works. Intricate humour is when someone makes a joke and it is kind of factual, or it just has so many layers to it. Like your friend might be building it up like a fucking house and then they drop the wrecking ball and, if timed right, it is hilarious. Sometimes you kinda zone out and wake up once they are laughing at their own joke, but if you manage to listen, it is usually actually good. Another type of intricate joke is one that takes you a second to think about, but like not to the point where it is just dumb and you do a pity laugh. I never really have the brains or the effort to do that shit but sometimes it comes easy to you and you can’t miss that opportunity. There might have been something you and your friend heard or witnessed one week and then one or two weeks later you bring that into the joke it just makes it fucking hilarious.

It always makes me do that silent laugh aka my favourite type of laugh. I swear there have been times where I have been silent laughing for so long that I actually got really scared because I physically could not breathe.

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  • There was this one that I remember so vividly from my first year in high school and I was in my geography class. I sat at the back next to this guy and his friend sat in front of me so they would always be talking about the most random shit. I would usually zone out but there was a faze where they just insulsted each other in the weirdest ways. I am pretty sure they actually didn’t like each other lol. Anyways, one of the insults I heard was one of the most stupid and most unfunny thing ever but literally cracks me up. He says “I hope you turn into a fish and swim backwards” and as if that wasn’t bad enough, he goes on to explain why that’s a bad thing. Btw it’s because the water will go into their gills and like kil them or some shit like that. I just remember how I was so disappointed in that joke and everything about it that I found it hilarious.

Tbh I don’t really have any other examples because they are usually more inside jokes and like you had to be in a certain situation to get them and actually find them funny, but if you guys have any examples please do comment them down below.

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Insomniac Humour

We can’t deny that we all have this type of humour. I suppose it kinda fits under all of these other types of humour, but to be more specific it is the jokes you make that flop really bad or you instantly regret and for the rest of your life you will be reminded of it every single time you try to sleep. I suppose it also includes stuff that you just find embarrassing but people still make fun of you for. Some may call that bullying but just don’t be like that lol. That shit stings though and literally catches you so off guard that it really isn’t necessary. It is literally painful and to be fair my whole life is one big insomniac joke. Like I just replay that shit in my head from the day I was birthed to that very moment. Like it really just is not necessary and I know that nobody remembers that it happened but I know that it did and it was not ok.

And just as soon as you either forget about it or convince yourself that nobody even remembers it somebody gotta ruin the mood and bring it up again so you are never able to get over that trauma. But now to bring it up again myself… I’m gonna have to talk to my therapist about this aren’t I?

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  • I hopped that this information would get locked up somewhere for the rest of my life, but since none of you really know who I am I guess I’ll just relate it to, oh I don’t know, THE WHOLE FUCKING INTERNET. So anyways, I used to go to ballet. Yup, I was a little ballet bitch. But that didn’t work out for me andy you will find out why. I was quite young when this happened. Maybe 5 or 6? But me and the rest of the class had just been misbehaving or like wasting too much time so our teacher was getting pissed off. The thing was I desperatily needed the toilet, but seeing her anger and being the anxious little girl I was, I just stayed quiet. I was like nope, not today bitch. So I just held it. That was, of course, until I couldn’t. Yep, you guessed it, I pissed myself in front of my whole entire class and I actually hate myself. And then my teacher was like “why didn’t you just ask to go”. Girl, you know why! Now clean up my piss. My twin still bullies me to this day.
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  • My first year of high school I was ready to be a whole new person. I was ready to be everyones friend and just the best person ever. So any opportunity I found to get out there I would take. Well there was only one time and I never tried again, but you’ll understand why. So I tried to run for the class president (1st downfall) or whatever the fuck it’s called and that meant I had to go up to the front of the class and tell everyone why they should vote for me. I had a whole plan in my head, no script or prep at all, but I had a goal. So I went up to the front of the class thinking I was gonna be the class clown and everyone would want to be my friend. Mind blank. Complete fucking mind blank. But I remembered one thing after blabbering about the dumbest shit ever and it was something that I thought was really good. Then I say it. Deadass it was the dumbest shit that has ever come out of my mouth. I hate myself so much for it and I swear that was the source of my social anxiety. From that moment onwards I would no longer communicate with anyone outside of my small bubble (aka my family). It is obvious to say I didn’t not get class president.
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Inuendo Humour

For those that doesn’t know, inuendo is basically when one thing sounds or means the same thing as another thing, but like somebody intends the play on words for comedic use. I always find this hilarious especially whenever it wasn’t intended and when the person who said it doesn’t even realise that makes it even more hilarious. I have one friend who is either too mature or we are just immature so she tends to say a lot of things that sound like something else. Usually quite inappropriate stuff but it is so funny because it’s just unexpected and you can tell they didn’t mean it to sound like it did. It’s also the look on the persons face whenever they have possessed it in their head and the look of disappointment is just so funny. To be fair I have never really heard of a person whose go to jokes were inuendos unless it’s some sort of creepy old guy wth a beer belly. Sorry if that is your sense of humour but that’s just been my experience. I also feel like if it was intended then it isn’t funny because they just try too hard but that’s honestly true with all jokes kind of

I’m gonna try and give a few examples but at the moment I can only think of inappropriate ones and Im not sure what type of demographic I’m working with here but to be fair if they are still reading y this point it is a wee bit late. I think I’ll just try to find ones that are more of just a pun

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36 Punny Memes Full Of Innuendo in 2021 | Bad jokes, Funny ...
36 Punny Memes Full Of Innuendo | Really funny memes ...
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Dad Jokes

I had to break the rhythm of the titles because I just couldn’t bring myself to call it dad humour. I guess I could have called it desperate humour but I’ll not be rude. Honestly though is there much I can say about this? It’s just a classic bad joke with like the worst timing. To be honest there is never a good time for a dad joke. They just make me laugh so much because it’s clever but also so unnecessary. It’s seeing your dads face afterwards as well because they are so proud of themselves and you feel bad for not laughing so you just laugh disappointedly. I have to admit though that whenever I come up with one myself I am really proud of myself. Like I don’t know why it’s just so rewarding cause it isn’t always easy. It’s really just an at the moment type situation.

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  • Some people have trouble sleeping… but I can do it with my eyes closed
  • Yesterday I was washing the car with my son. He said “dad can’t you just use a sponge?”
  • Did you know Bruce lee has a faster older brother? Sudden Lee
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I Got My Results and I Feel…

I got my GCSE results yesterday and to be honest, I feel the same fucking way I felt last week. I mean there was no big sigh of relief or weight off my shoulders. I didn’t turn ecstatic, it was just another part of my day. Like it was literally just reading letters on a… Continue Reading →

Social Media If They Were People pt.1

Bare with me on this one guys because I know the title makes it sound dumb as fuck, but we need to address this shit. I will literally make everything make sense to you because I know you know this but you don’t know that you know it yet, if that makes sense. Basically, you… Continue Reading →

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The Century-Long Christmas Controversy

Merry Christmas to everyone!… except those who say happy Christmas. You can go to hell. I don’t really know what it is that possesses people to say “happy” Christmas but I don’t want it. Like it makes me shrivel up and die inside. I can actually hear the elves and Santa cry from the north pole. Santa does not eat mince pies and go around the world all in one day for you to say “Happy Christmas”. And I know that the elves, Santa and Mrs Clause have been having a few fights over this one. I don’t know what there is to say because there is an obvious winner but this is definitely a touchy are. But mark my words Santa, it stops here, it stops now.

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Now, I know that was a bit dramatic but to be honest, I think it’s justifiable because I’m correct. Why am I correct? Well, it’s easy, there is no other time of the year where you can say Merry something without sounding like a complete idiot. This word is actually non-existent until the 1st of December. The Oxford Dictionary has to come out with a winter edition just for this word. It just isn’t a thing. So that means we need to make the most of it, so if you waste it for one second by saying happy, I hope you won’t be. Seriously though, could you look me in the eye and tell me that “happy Christmas” makes more sense?

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Happy doesn’t begin to cover it. Happy is bland. It’s like salt. I guess it works but like what the fuck? It diminishes the power of Christmas as the joy it brings. With happy, I think of summer or just any random day of the year, but with Merry, I can picture a fucking miracle. I imagine putting up the Christmas tree, the warm yellow lights and memories flooding it, keeping cosy as it snows outside, waking up at 11am and the sun is already setting, fires and songs. Don’t take that away from us, especially not this year. We deserve better and “happy” is not good enough. ‘Merry’ is just the most Christmasy thing ever. It is the perfect description of the joy of Christmas and you can’t tell me otherwise.

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But do you know who is worst for saying “Happy Christmas”? Bloody Americans. Are we even shocked at this point? Like they just gotta switch things up and fix things that aren’t even broken. Like they gotta ruin it for the rest of us. What compelled them to say this… this… shit? Excuse my french but also I’ll say it again! Respect to all the Americans that say “merry” because you didn’t let them take that away from you. I bet that Donald Trump says ‘Happy Christmas’, he just gives me that vibe. And I better not get a bunch of people being like “I have the freedom to say what I want” and shit like that ’cause you are all so obsessed with that shit. Like damn, pick another personality trait. But don’t even get me started with any of that “Happy Holidays” shit. Is it a joke to you? Does it look like I am laughing? No. Don’t even talk to me,

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Merry Christmas is just so much better though and it just doesn’t sound right any other way. If I was santa I would give the “Happy” people literally coal or some shit, or like show them this post so they know what is right. So have a merry fucking Christmas if you celebrate it and get that bloody tree up and shining! Imma go sing some carols now and I’ll be keeping an eye out, just like Santa “he sees you when your sleeping, he knows when your awake…” Damn that was scary as fuck. Why do all these songs seem so dark, like that is so uncalled for.

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Anyway, I hope you guys like this post and comment down below “Merry Christmas” if you say that too or if I have taught you a valuable lesson. If you say “Happy Christmas” you’re wrong but also comment and try to convince me. Obviously it is quite the passionate topic for me and I got a bit heated but I am actually really excited for Christmas, it’s my favourite time of the year and I’ve got my Santa list all done and ready to be sent. What other Christmas Controversies do you think there are? Leave them in the comments below and if I agree then I’ll make another post like this, so make sure to like and follow so you don’t miss out. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Let’s Discuss Billie Eilish’s New Album (2021)

To quote the bible, “God said let there be light, and he created Billie Eilish”, or at least that is my interpretation. And with this light, the best songs, fan groups, vibes and album’s thrived. I know I am a bit late guys because her album came out around 4 days ago but these things… Continue Reading →

Something I Realized About Being a Waitress

I’m going to try and keep this post quite small, kind of like the size of the tips people give. Yup, that is what I am talking about today and I would like to preface that this is in the most respectful way possible. I don’t feel this way towards young teen or people struggling… Continue Reading →

I Think I Know Why I’m So Stupid

Ok so look, I haven’t been posting in a bit because I’m busy and all that shit. Wow, I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it. Anyways, I reckoned I would post something today while I have the chance and I wanted to do a wee story time or something. And this will be… Continue Reading →

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10 Top Tips To Stay Warm In Winter That Actually Work

If your dad is like mine in any way at all, they refuse to put the heating on, or at least not high enough to actually feel the effects. So I am nowhere to give you some tips for staying warm in your house and don’t forget to share this with the rest of your family just as a wee tip because they will really appreciate it. But let’s just get right into it. Oh and that reminds me, make sure to read the text underneath each tip for more explanation and how to do it for optimum warmth.

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1. Turn On The Heating

Now I know that sounds like a bit of a stretch, but the easiest way for you to stay warm inside in every room of your house is to turn on the heating. Surprisingly enough it isn’t that hard to do so and can work quickly. I know some people may complain about the money but the truth is you would rather be warm and spend a bit more money or be literally dead with more cash that you can’t even use. So definitely this is a great one to think about

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2. Put On a Jumper

Make sure to read this explanation because it is important. What you want to do is look in your wardrobe and pick out a nice thick jumper. This will really help to keep you warm when you go downstairs to turn on the heating. So while that is 2 steps, it is very effective and one of my favourites

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3. Put On Slippers

I highly recommend this for those who have wooden or tiled floors because it is scientifically proven that cold feet will make the rest of you cold. Surprising isn’t it! So it’s important you have something on your feet for going downstairs to turn on the heating to your house

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4. Go Into A Smaller Room

The science behind this is that smaller rooms stay warmer because the heat is less dispersed. That is why I go to my utility room which is the smallest in my house and conveniently also where my heating controls are. So I go into the small room until the heating is on for long enough and then go back to my nice toasty bedroom.

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5. Stay Close To People

So I suppose this isn’t the best during ‘rona and also isn’t great for people who don’t really like… people. But this is great because of body heat and shit. Like penguins do it. So how to start with that is just whenever you have to go do something no, do it with someone else. This could be going to the toilet, going to watch tv, or in this circumstance, going to switch on the heating. So yeah that is a great way to stay warm

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6. Stay Active

I know that a lot of you will see this and be like “umm the fuck? I’m not doing that” and then swipe but it doesn’t actually last that long and you can do it in your house, so depending on how big your house is, this could take somewhere from 1 minute to 3 minutes. So here it is and listens closely because it is quite tricky, go down the stairs (making sure to take deep breathes) which is great for cardio. Then go and click the button to turn on the heating (don’t pull a muscle pls) which is great for muscle strength and then go back up the stairs but slowly so that you can cool down a bit and then by the time you have cooled down from the exercise the heating will keep you at a comfortable temperature

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7. Speak To Others

Communication is key and we need to recognize how it can also help us achieve some stuff that we need. You might be wondering how speaking can help you to warm up, and it is really simple actually. All you have to do is take a deep breath, and at the top of your lungs you shout “can some turn on the heating?!” The only fault is that sometimes parents won’t want to do that so it could mean that you have to resort to some of the options that are above, but if you get the right tone and volume, then this is definitely a good option to go for.

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8. Shower/Bath

This one is actually no joke a good one but the thing is you will be warm during it and then when you get out it will be even worse than before so I guess you just gotta weigh up the pros and cons at that point. And for me, baths are boring as fuck but I like the sound of them so when I have one I basically have to just bring my whole bedroom in with me so I have something to do. It’s also hard to get the right balance between boiling hot and sweating your ass off and being absolutely freezing. So I usually go for the classic shower, not that you give a fuck.

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9. Use Single-Use Plastic

This may be confusing for some but if we keep using plastic the way we have done for a while, our whole entire earth will warm up. I’m pretty sure it’s called global warming or some shit but yeah although it may take a year or so, we could soon have natural heating. It could kill us all but then again at least we would die warm. Every cloud has a silver lining. *pls understand this is a joke because I don’t want David Attenborough and Greta Thunberg running after me*

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10. Listen To Anti-Vaxxers

This may seem hard to be able to achieve but it actually isn’t. There are surprisingly a lot of idio- I mean people who don’t want the vaccine. You can find them in the streets, but other hotspots include the Managers office of your closest restaurant or supermarket. There is also many reported to be near your local town hall and can be recognized by their chants “we want freedom” or something along the lines of that. If they by chance don’t have a sign then just look out for the usual Karen haircut. The reason this will keep you warm is because it will make your blood boil. You will try not to punch them so bad and try to speak with them reasonably but that takes a lot of energy to do. So it will both distract from the pain of the cold, and redirect it to the pain that is society. I would even say that you can speak your mind to them because it can help to create heat by movement. So I guess just take your pic!

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Hilarious anti-vaxxer meme
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Anyways, that is me all done for today and I hope this did really help you guys. Also please don’t destroy the planet that would be greatly appreciated actually. But yeah no stay warm and I hope you have an amazing winter and that Santa treats you well. It’s already bloody stormy where I live so really getting in that winter mood :/ I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT


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The Olympics: Awkwardness Unlocked

So I was just watching the opening ceremony or the Olympics and I’m sorry but like how awkward would that be. Especially for the people that work there and just wave as they walk down and have to act as though people are watching them but like really nobody is. And then the actual athletes… Continue Reading →

I Hate Genes

To any foetus child out there who is like what the fuck are genes, basically they are the characteristics that we get from our parents and they make up who we are and what we look like. For example, I inherited my dad’s white ass Irish skin which burns like a bitch whenever a bloody… Continue Reading →

Who Else Is Pissed At Forrest Gump’s Mum?

Bitch, I don’t know much about this movie. I mean I’ve watched it and I know the general plot but like the only thing that sticks with me to this day and the phrase that every organism is aware of is when he says “mama says life is like a box a chocolates, you neve’… Continue Reading →

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These Brands Are Getting Way Out Of Hand

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Up until last month, I used to think that Corona was the worst thing that happened to us but fuck me this is 10 times worse. I mean I know the pandemic was tough but this has ruined my whole entire life and all of my memories. It makes me physically ill to talk about so be blessed you get to read this post. So prepare yourself guys because I’m about to reveal what is going on. The problem is… the pringles logo😱

New and old pringles logo
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I’m sorry but they really did him dirty. Like what the actual hell were they thinking. He looks literally depressed or as though he just saw something he shouldn’t have. The guy has been absolutely ROBBED of his hair. Did he have kids? Is he papa Pringle now? There better be a good fucking reason because this is not my Pringle man. Literally, where did these eyebrows come from? Maybe he looked in the mirror because he got the same reaction as us. It really hurts my soul that this innocent man has been literally been taken advantage of like this. Don’t fix something that isn’t broken.

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But the thing is their excuse for this monstrosity. I kid you not they were saying it’s because they want to appeal to Gen Zs by being more minimalistic. Don’t put the blame on me bitch. I don’t claim any of this. Like why fix something that isn’t broken? It just doesn’t make sense. Maybe we like a minimalist house or designer shit but we love a good classic. Our generation is so anxiety-ridden that we love to see the same old shit as normal. That’s why we rewatch friends and the office. We like to be comforted by the things we already know and have known all our life.

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Oh but don’t think that this is only pringles. Nah, I’m gonna expose all these hoes. Let’s start with our old friend Doritos who have sadly been through an identity crisis and now think they are the YouTube play button

New and old Doritos logo
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I’m sorry you had to see that but you must be aware of the truth. You can’t excuse that. That’s basically a crime against humanity and when I see my therapist I am going to show him this photo and I won’t have to say anything else. It’s like he grew up and lost all personality. Get Doritos on some counselling now because that’s not healthy. I don’t recognize this brand. It was so full of life and Gad hopes for the future. It gave me hope but now it gives me “what is the point of anything if we all die eventually”.

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Guys, I just searched up new and old logos and I genuinely feel like I need to hide out in a bunker until this madness passes. Look at what Burger King is doing

New and old Burger King logo
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Who can I call to sue Burger King for this? Like… it was a joke up until now. What were they on when they were coming up with this? The only reason this would make sense is if they had an intern who was freaking out when they asked him to come up with a new logo or if they were high off their heads and going through some sort of mid-life crisis. I would love to see what their sales are like now because I’m ready to boycott them no joke. It’s actually becoming a global crisis and it needs to be stopped. They can’t take our childhood away from us because that was a good time in my life. I want my kids to live with the original Mr Pringle because they may not see a fucking polar bear or some shot so at least give them the OG packaging. Get your priorities straight bitch.

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This actually does sadden me and it doesn’t stop so I’m going to go and cry now. So yeah I’ll leave you with that and if you can get in touch with any of the people guilty of this crime then do send them this. Comment down below what you guys think and if you actually like them. If you do I would get that checked out, to be honest. But yeah don’t forget to like and subscribe also. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT

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10 Crazy Facts About Women That You Wouldn’t Believe

Hey guys, today I just wanted to talk about something very random and for no particular reason because why not. I was just on a walk one day and I was kinda just thinking about how fucking mental life is as a woman. I’m pretty sure I was actually getting a bit scared because I thought this man was about to literally kidnap me but, surprise surprise, he didn’t. I guess that is a bit fitting for the story because that is something we gotta put up with at points. Anyways, let’s get into some facts about women that are kinda obvious but like I feel we just need to do a wee recap sesh for all the people out there who are very much… ignorant. I will also be exposing us a wee bit but deal with it.

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1. Evolved To Forget

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This was one that I only realised not that long ago and basically our bodies have evolved to forget the pain of giving birth because it is so traumatic to us. Excuse me? What the actual fuck. Obviously, we have some stuff to help with that pain now but what about the people that give birth in their literal car and don’t have time to get to the hospital or some shit? What about the women who literally don’t have access to healthcare and just have to hope for the best?! I actually read that every 90 seconds a woman dies from giving birth or pregnancy complications. Like what the hell? I mean yeah having kids would be great and stuff but oh my days I didn’t realise it would be that bad. I just know that when I am like 7 or 8 months pregnant that I will be having nightmares of going into labour. I suppose there is always a c-section but that’s only for emergencies so you gonna have to get that baby out at some point and I’m not for it.

2. Growing a Fucking Human

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I think we can all grasp the concept of what it means to be pregnant. Like we grow a baby and then boom it’s suddenly out of you as this slimy crying thing. But I don’t think you really UNDERSTAND it. We grow a complex living thing inside of us that just lies there for 9 months rent-free. When you look at a pregnant woman there is quite literally a human inside her. It just boggles my mind to think about that because the pregnancy belly just makes you think “aww pregnant” and then they give birth and you’re like “aww a baby” but that thing was quite literally just inside her. That full human being was just inside her. It was on that kangaroo shit just sitting there. It didn’t just magically transform shape as it was birthed but that baby was just squished up in there from a literal egg to a full ass baby. It’s just crazy and kinda scary to think of

3. The Reason We Wear Makeup

This one may actually be really shocking for some people and it’s the first time I’m gonna expose us or just people who wear makeup. But the real reason we do our makeup and spend all our goddamn money is because… we just fucking want to! Oh my days! What a shock. It isn’t actually for other people. That’s crazy mental. Bet some of you were convinced we do all that shit for you! No. We just like it and it makes us feel good and that’s it

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4. We Have Our Own Opinions

I really hope some of the people my age and in my school get to read this because I don’t think they have ever been taught that before. So we actually do have thoughts and can come up with ideas and opinions by ourselves. We can actually retain information, yes even the blonde ones, so like don’t tell us what to think or say because I can promise you they know what they want to say, they just aren’t being listened to or been given the chance to do so. I’ve actually faced that problem lately in school where we have to build a business and every time I bring something up or give new ideas or opinions, they are always not convinced by what I say or just go like “yeah…” and then don’t talk about it again. Or they’ll be like “but don’t you think…” or “wouldn’t you agree that…”. Hmmm, maybe let me talk for myself for one second. Thank you

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5. What We Do At Sleepovers

I actually find it so funny what people think girls do at sleepovers. Like it actually shocks me how they think it’s all pillow fights and giggling about what guy we like. Don’t get me wrong we do love a good gossip but like that isn’t it. We have the deepest conversations late at night. We eat, we watch random movies, we cry, we do whatever the hell we want. One thing that I have never done at a sleepover though is a pillow fight. In fact, the only reason anyone would be hit by a pillow is if they were doing my head in and you just gotta make them shut up somehow. That makes me sound like a bitch but we all just find it funny.

6. Why We Go To The Bathroom Together

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I’ve actually heard a lot of answers from different people and some say that they go together to gossip about who they are with or to fix their makeup and while that is true for many and I have done that in the bathrooms, but honestly, the reason I gather a big group is that I just don’t want to be bored and it is also just so awkward having to walk around to find the bathroom. Like I suppose some of the things I said above do happen but I wouldn’t go just for that. It’s just to make the experience more fun, less lonely and a lot less awkward. So yeah that’s your answer I guess.

7. We Don’t Complain as Much as We Could

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I already KNOW that there are gonna be people racing to the comments and saying “how is that possible lol I swear my girl always be mad at me!” or “we know that ’cause you always be saying your fine and shit when you really aren’t” but I swear to god if anyone says that I’m gonna flip. We can be straight up with people if we know them and trust them, and you can take that as a compliment, but there are things in everyday life that we just keep quiet because it would take up way too much energy. One thing I think that needs to be mentioned is the dumb things that guys say all the time that just isn’t true. For example, and this one might be triggering, “must be her time of the month” :I What the fuck? Like sorry, we are just pissed and actually show emotion I guess. We also don’t literally collapse whenever we get hurt even the tiniest bit. We also just get on with work that needs to be done even if we had a long day because you just gotta deal with it. We do realise that there are inequalities at home and around the world but we don’t say that every bloody day because it would take up a lot of the time that we don’t really have. So next time you say we complain too much, just know it’s probably just because our “glass of tolerance” is overflowing at the moment.

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8. Wonder Woman

This one is genuinely a good fact. It’s sad but also interesting. The movie Wonder Woman (2017) was the first superhero movie with a female lead that was directed by a woman. Can someone tell me why it took so long for that to happen?

9. We Used To Wear What?!

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I just learned about this today and it makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. So, before pads and all that shit was invented, women used to have to use softened papyrus, lint wrapped around wood, and paper during our period. Pads are even uncomfortable at the moment, never mind having to wear a fucking log like they did. Who thought that was a good idea? I would just bleed through and deal with it because that sounds like literal torture

10. Women’s Brains Are Just Built Different

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Let me list off some facts real quick. Men’s brains are 9% larger than women’s, yet we still have the same number of brain cells. We mature so much quicker than men, 2 years quicker to be exact. And that is why I won’t date anyone younger than me because even the one’s my age are still complete idiots, and I knew that before I learned this fact. Oh, and one last fact to leave you with. The top 2 highest IQ’s ever recorded were by 2 women *Mic drop*

Lol, I hope that post really wasn’t too feminist of me because II don’t want to feel like I’m properly destroying the men, but I think it’s good to appreciate so of the things women have to go through and deal with every day. But I’m sure some of you found this somewhat informative and enjoyed discovering what our lives are like and don’t forget to like, comment and follow for more. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Ok, But Like Where’s The Need?

So, with making this blog I wanted to make sure I was completely honest with you guys. I know that makes it sound really scary as though I’m gonna be like “I am Michael Jackson, I in fact did not die” but it isn’t that deep. It’s just a thing that most of us go… Continue Reading →

Do I Have Anger Issues Or Was She Just a Bitch?

You guys need to settle something for me today because just this morning I was confronted by a crazy, telly-tubby lookin’ ass bitch on my walk and she really angered me, I will tell the story in a sec, but when I told my mum she seemed unfazed. So today, with your opinion, I will… Continue Reading →

My First Holiday In Two Years

I feel like in 30+ years, there is gonna be someone that stumbles upon this post and be like “imagine not being able to teleport to wherever the fuck you want or even just hop in your flying car. Imagine how boring it would be especially as they don’t have phones built into their heads”… Continue Reading →

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A Hole I’ve Dug Way Too Deep

You know those situations that keep you up at night? Not the stuff that happened in the past, but the holes you have dug yourself that make your life a living hell. The moments that you wish you could wake up from. Yeah well, I am in one again and I’m terrified. I feel like it can so easily just collapse in on me and I will literally die. So that’s what I want to talk about today so I can at least get it off my chest and you guys will hopefully relate. I might also talk about the worst ones I have ever had to deal with because to be fair, my whole life is one big hole, but I know there are some extra ones lying around

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Firstly, let’s talk about the one I am in at the moment. So, nearly every day I walk my dog in this nature park thing near my house and it’s good fun cause she can go off the leash and get a runaround. But she also tends to torture every living thing that is within 500 metres of her, so she makes a lot of human friends. But there is this one group of people who we see the most and they are so lovely and kind and they absolutely adore my dog. However, the first time we met them, they asked what my dog’s name was obviously and I said what it was (I am actually not going to say the real name just in case they somehow read this and literally realise what has been happening after all this time). The first time, they didn’t hear so I repeated it, then the second time they said the wrong name and I told them what it was again. The third time they tried to get her name right, I didn’t really hear what they said but it kinda sounded right and it was gonna be fucking awkward if I had to correct them again so I was just like ‘yep’ and then went on with my life. I never thought I would see them again but now I basically see them every time I walk around there and they call her the wrong name.

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Why is this a bad thing? Surely it’s just a misunderstanding, right? NO! It is absolutely nerve-racking because that is the only good place to walk my dog that is near my house, so I always go there. They are also the loveliest people and absolutely love my dog so they would probably feel bad for calling her the wrong thing the whole time, or they would be kinda pissed at me and think I’m a brat. What also scares me is that my dog is an annoying bitch and she runs off, so obviously I have to call her back with her ACTUAL name, so I am scared that they are gonna hear this and then realise who it is I am calling and then be like what the actual fuck. I actually did that one time where I was talking with them and when I said bye I called my dog to come as well by calling her name and when I tell you my heart dropped, it was on the fucking floor. I don’t think they noticed though but it was a close one.

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I also get so scared that someone in my family will take her on a walk there without me and then they will bump into those people and they will be calling her the wrong name and then my family will be like ‘umm that isn’t her name bitch’ and then when I see them next then they will think I’m some sort of idiot. Or maybe if someday they happen to look at her collar and because it will be right in front of me, they’ll just slowly look up and be like “is that your dog’s name?” and I’ll just be like ‘yeah, is that not what you’ve been calling her the whole time? I swear that’s what you call her’.

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I’ll just have to be so slick with it if it comes to it. Genuinely I would make up some bullshit excuse like “I have a really bad hearing in one ear” or even something like “yeah well we kind of call her both names in our house because we could never settle on a name”. I actually had thought of saying that if worst came to the worst and I could just imagine me thinking I got away with it whereas they would be going home to plan the new walk they would take every day to avoid me. I’m really fucking scared though for the day that they find out because surely they will at some point and then they will probably bring it up every single time we see them again. At this point, I have known them for nearly a year and I would have to just move planets to get over it. Who’s for Mars?

So that’s the problem I’m in at the moment, but let’s take a wee glance back at some other awkward situations I’ve gotten myself into and have most likely contributed to my anxiety 🙂

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The Family Tree

I have actually mentioned this one before I think but I’ll say it again for those who haven’t heard it yet. So one day I met my mum’s cousin and we were talking about life. I had kinda just gotten comfortable talking with her at that point and she then went to ask me what my teachers are like. I always get a kick out of slabbering about this one teacher who is really strict and kinda has a reputation of being really scary, so I was talking about her. Then afterwards she kinda looked at my mum and was like “is that THE teacher’s name?” and she was like “yeah” and I come to find out that the teacher I had just been slabbering about was her step-mum! I just died inside and was like “but she is really nice though and we all thinks she’s funny and different”. I suppose what I said wasn’t awful but I don’t know if she remembers what I said and now every time that I meet her I am so uncomfortable and can’t forget that moment. Like I am always panicking that she secretly resents me and will shout at me for it. LOL

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Forgettaboutit

This story literally isn’t even serious and it was short-lived but in that one hour, I was stuck in that situation I had pretty much 10 heart attacks. Picture this, it’s first year, you are hated by every teacher but at the moment you are with a particularly scary one. You sit down and you to get your books but SHIT you forgot them! You can’t tell the teacher because she’ll eat your head off but if she finds out some other way then she’ll to the exact same thing! So what do I do? I risk it for a biscuit. I spent the whole class sweating my ass off trying to cover the fact I had no books. Even when she was walking around the room I was on stealth mode with my arms huddled and my back hunched over to cover the table. I would try to act really interested but also not attract too much attention to myself and then the worst thing happened. She was walking around again and I had kinda thought I got away with it at that point but then she walks a bit past me and goes “I know you don’t have your books” in the most PETTY BOSS BITCH tone that there has every been. Basically I thought in was slick but in reality I was just a fucking weirdo. So to my demise, she gave me a bad ping which is something we do in our school if we are bad or some shit and if we get three then we get a detention. So obviously being the first year I was I literally hated the life I had led as though I was convicted of murder. Like it really isn’t that deep but I’ll never forget the trauma. The teacher always knows. But the funny thing was I thought I was so slick about it. Like whenever she said that o me I was like “yup” and acted like I was just tired and unbothered but fuck me I was near crying lol

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Fake It ‘Til Ya Make It

I have had one relationship in my life and it lasted over 2 years. That seems like a pretty deep hole already but the other thing was I would try to be someone else just so he would like me. It would be acting like I loved superhero shit and Dr Who but like in reality I could not give a fuck for the life of me. But yeah so that meant a lot of convos where he was like “between someone and someone who do you think would win?” And I would be here putting on the show of my life like “hmmm well that’s quite a tough one because it depends on a lot of things. On one hand superman is indeed super but then again Thor does have quite a large hammer” and just make up basic shit until he was like nah it is defo this person. Then I would agree and carry on shitting myself because I don’t know half the people he was on about.

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I kinda guess that was unfair for the both of us but I was so scared that he would leave me despite the fact the relationship should have ended way earlier because it really was quite emotionally shite. But anyways I always acted like I loved what he loved and I actually watched Dr Who for a while even though I really did not like it but I wanted to be able to talk about something with him. If he were to read this and realize it was me I would literally have to admit that I had no clue what the fuck he was talking about the whole time. That’s dedication though but also do not recommend at all. I would literally stay up at night trying to remember who was in Marcel and who was in the avengers and I would feel so scared that I would expose myself by mixing them up. It’s sounds so fucking stupid now that I say it but like it was a real fear of mine. I swear I lost all sense of self when I was with him but it is what it is I suppose. That hole was pretty deep because we were friends for literally our whole life and if I were to turn around and be like “hey literally I hate everything we talk about” then he would think I was such a fake bitch which would be accurate but I would prefer he didn’t know that. Highly recommend just being yourself and not changing for nobody

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Lol I really just exposed myself there but even if he did read that he probably wouldn’t realize it was me because he never bothered to listen to shit that I said anyways lol. Yes that was an attack. But yeah I’m going to leave it here with one final question. What holes have you dug yourself into? Are you still in them because I could help give you some advice on how to get out. But don’t get me involved in some grave digging crime shit ok! 😦 Anyways, don’t forget to like and subscribe for more content like this and read my other posts that are down below. That was the most cringey youtube shit I have ever said. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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“You look just like your dad”

Let’s play a quick game of never have I ever. Never. Have I ever needed to hear that. Never have I ever wanted to hear that. Never have I ever felt good after hearing that. Never have I ever gone to someone’s house and they didn’t say this. Never have I ever been more offended…. Continue Reading →

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Let’s Discuss It | Parenting

It’s a bit ironic to have a literal kid (who has no kids) talking about parenting, but like I was just on a walk and it was kind of an existential kind of day and I was just thinking about how fucked up that shit is and how scary that must bloody be. Like it just amazes me. Being an adult, in general, is just so bloody shocking. I think it’s because I am now one of the oldest years in the school and I remember being a literal first year and thinking they were so grown, but now that I am in that year, I really don’t know shit.

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What if that is literally the same with becoming a parent. Obviously, it will make you grow up but like suddenly you have the responsibility of another life in your hands. I mean I can’t even sort my own life out and, while I am not planning on having kids any day soon, there are people my age that do and I just respect that so much because I can’t even imagine what that would be like. Surely even in your late 20’s or whenever you are kinda still a kid and trying to figure the world out. You have to learn how to manage your own shit and keep this human being alive. Surely everything you do is just a guess and it is pure luck that these kids survive. I mean sure you have your parents but still, parenting and life change every day so there are bound to be other things that you just have to go for.

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And at what stage do we find out how to pay taxes, or how to buy a house, or how to plan and pay for a holiday? And also, when you have kids, when do you know to start giving them solid ‘real’ food? And what do you do when you need to register the existence of said baby? I’m gonna assume the hospital would help you with that but still, there is so much to figure you the day you leave the hospital. All of a sudden you are in the car with this baby in a seat you just about managed to install and your whole life ahead of you. There isn’t a bloody nurse following you or making sure the baby is ok. You are just completely on your own and it’s just you and your baby for the next 18 years.

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Don’t get me wrong, they are freaking cute but surely there was a moment when you were pregnant or when they are literally birthed where you just had a major panic like “what the fuck! I can’t handle this for the rest of my life”. That happened to me when I got braces on and I thought it was gonna be so good and just quirky overall, but then the very first day I got them on, I was like “I want these off right now” and it was just that sort of sinking feeling where you just wish it was all a dream and I would wake up with perfectly straight teeth and no problems. But if you have a kid, that is the rest of your life and you can’t really change that. Sure there are some different options, but overall you will be left with some sort of emotional damage.

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Don’t get me started on multiple kids. Even me and my sisters do my head in. I’m a twin as well so that’s double the horror all at once. It’s like picking a sweet out of a bowl thinking it’s an M’n’M but in reality, it is literally just shite. AND WHAT IF THERE ARE THREE. There is pretty much no way to avoid that type of situation and if they come out identical people will think you can’t parent because you can’t tell them apart. They literally all come out looking like the same slimy potato! So you can’t do much about it. I’m absolutely awful with names too so I would be inventive with one and then call the others B and C or some crap. Then I would have to remember the names and spell them right on the birth certificate and then try not to lose that.

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There are just so many reliabilities in even the first day you get your kid. Their name can change their future and everything. Anything you say or do can make or break their future. What if I am a shite mum and never figure anything out. I can barely order my own food at a restaurant and I only just learnt how to do the washing. I have no clue how all you parents do it out and I haven’t even scratched the surface with this post. There is also having to relive school life, in some sort of way, and having to deal with their cheeky bitch faze. I hate myself at that faze, so how can I cope with someone else. You quite literally have to learn on the job and I feel like I always assumed parent’s had their shit sorted out, but I kinda think that you don’t think too differently to us (the teens) and you are still trying to work out how everything works and you are just panicking ever day.

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Anyways, so now that all the new and expecting parents are terrified, I think this is a good place to stop. I really do respect everything that parents do and it is so hard to get that down in words because it is absolutely terrifying and crazy. I’m sure it’s blood rewarding too but you make it look so easy and I KNOW it most definitely is not. So please, can all the parents out there comment below your thoughts and opinions on parenting because obviously I am not, and will not be for a while, a parent. Don’t forget to like and follow for more. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Weekly Reminder

I’ve heard a lot of people mention something that their therapist once told them to do. They said “the other day my therapist told me to look over at an empty chair and imagine child you sitting on it. They then asked me what I looked like and I said I looked happy and excited…. Continue Reading →

I’m Disappointed In Myself…

Hey guys, so this post is gonna be a wee bit shorter because I got acrylic nails on the other day and it is so fucking hard to type with them on so I will have to get used to it. I mean the fact I make so many mistakes with these really stresses me… Continue Reading →

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I Have No Concept of Time At All

This is no joke guys. I have run into many awkward encounters because I have lost all concept of time. You know, I would have thought this was normal if we were in the middle of our first lockdown, but that ship sailed ages ago and I am back to a strict schedule and yet I don’t know what fucking year it is. I suppose November has always been a weird transition month but the thing is, it isn’t only the time of day or the day of the week that I get mixed upon, it is quite literally my entire past and present memories that are all jumbled up. It’s like I had been carefully compiling all my memories in an orderly fashion but then my brain got fed up and just threw everything everywhere so now I have no clue what the fuck is going on. Let me tell you a few stories to help you understand.

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I like to call this story “The Pantomime”, and here is why. So it was my best friends birthday last month and I knew it was coming up. I have always been crap with birthdays but this time I was so proud of myself and I was so ready, I had it in my mind that her party was not very long before her birthday so I was prepared. Then a few days before the party we went bowling and there was a wee arcade bit. So OBVIOUSLY we had to go on the tiny car racing games. This one was actually tiny, not the normal big ones, so I was laughing at my friend like “I’m 16 and you are almost 17 and look what we are playing lol what is life” and she deadass went “I am 17”. If that was a real car I would have gone straight into a wall because I was not ready for that answer. I was just like “but your birthday’s on the 26th” and she was like “yeah, it’s the 30th” so here I am holding my worst friend of the year award while being completely mind boggled about what day it was. Like it was as if someone just said I was in 2050 or some shit because I suddenly had no concept of time. Oh, and I called it the pantomime because it was behind me. It is a shite name in hinsight but just accept it.

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Anyways, the next story I am going to call “age is just a number”. So I was playing football, or soccer for the americans, in PE, as one does. But I overheard my sister talking to one of our friends and they were just having a wee bit of banter as per usual. She is actually a year younger than us but still in our year because she moved over from England and there is just a whole thing that doesn’t matter, but yeah she is younger than us. And I heard my sister go like “damn must be embarrassing to look 13” and I was kinda tripped out like “you scared me a bit there because I swore she was 14” because at that point I was bad at stuff like birthdays and ages anyways so like I was just glad I didn’t think she was 13 in real life. But then my sister and her starting confused laughing and I’m like what? And they go on to say “she literally isn’t 14, she’s literally 15” and I was like “what! since when were you the same age as us that is so fucking mad” and they must not have heard me because then a day or so later I was kinda still thinking about it and then I was like “shit, I’m 16”. How dumb is that! Like I would work out her age by the fact she is one year younger than us and I genuinely believed I was 15 and my world just changed.

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Why is that though because I swear if I wasn’t really close with those people my friend’s would be dropping like flies. It really just is not ok. Maybe it’s because I had been thinking about these things so much and for so long that I never realised that it passed and I still had the feeling of it coming up even when it had come and gone. It could also just be classic ‘rona making every day mush into the same. I always seem to get that feeling at night when I am washing my face. Kinda like a coming of age movie where there is a clip of his morning routine played multiple times in increasing speeds to show how boring his life was in school. That basically is how I feel every night and it is quite depressing I have to admit but I guess it is what it is.

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I think we all get those times where it feels like a Friday but it’s really a Tuesday and your whole schedule gets messed up and you literally nearly miss everything you had to do because you barely remember that you must breathe at least once every 2 minutes or you will quite literally die. And that’s a fact. Is it bad that there have been times where I’ve been like “when was the last tme I took a breathe”. Like deadass not even breathing through my nose or anything. There is just no time for that silly business. I should probably work on that to be honest. But it has never really been a problem for me. Pre-covid I was organised and got all my homeworks done the day I got them (which is actually more deep than it sounds cause that really fucked me up lol). But now things just sneak up on me. I don’t even procrastinate that much either. Sure I’ll watch the odd extra tiktok but that is the maximum procrastination for me… I think. I’m not even busy or one of those people who are like active and social as fuck and are just like “I just don’t know where the time goes lol” and away they are for their midnight 10k run.

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This past year really has just gone so down hill in every single way and I actually can’t even be bothered trying to stop it. I’m just sitting back and watching the edge of the cliff get closer and closer. If it stops, it stops. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. And I live by that to be honest. As long as people know that I do genuinely care about their birthdays and making them feel special then hopefully they won’t think I’m that much of a bitch and we’ll be fine.

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My question is, how did they cope with this in the fucking dark-ages or whatever because they didn’t have bloody google calendar sending you a fuck load of notifactions about what you had on that day as though it was a ticking time bomb. You’d have to know by the direction of the fucking sun and that is no use in the UK. And I couldn’t tell myself to work events backwards in my mind to figure out what day it is because I literally can’t tell the difference between what I did yesterday, or the week before, to today. Am I literally going out of my mind or is this type of behaviour actually normal? Should I be calling a doctor lol? Here’s me calling just like “hey so like what the fucking is my problem” and they just like “you ust a shitty person” and I’m like “ah ok thanks”. Thank god for free healthcare am I right 😮

Anyways, that was just my wee update I suppose. Please like, follow, and comment down below what things have happened to in regards to your messed up sense of time, or are you a human calendar that is like “damn do you remember on the 16th January 2006 when we literally saw that one blade of grass…” and you just have you shit together? Comment below I guess. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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I Hate To Be That Bitch But…

You guys have to agree with me when I say that a lot of things we do nowadays is heavily judged. Like there are a lot of things that people aren’t willing to admit they do because people will laugh at them and call them a basic bitch or a pick me type of person…. Continue Reading →

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What Comes After 21?

If you are like me, an overthinker, you will most likely understand this question immediately. And no, the answer is a little more complicated than 22. I swear if I get a comment like that I will literally erase my existence. Anyways, for those who don’t really get what I mean, let me tell you.

What comes after 21? A question I have always asked myself since I started my anxious life. I mean for every birthday until then there has been significant. There is the actual day of your birth, which is big for obvious reasons, you’ve got 10 when you finally go into the double digits, 13 you are a teen, 17 you can learn to drive, 18 you can legally drink (in the UK), 20 you are no longer a teen, and while 21 is bigger in the USA because they can legally drink now, it is still counted as a milestone birthday around the world. But then what? Not to be morbid or anything but the next big day is your… death day. Yes, you have the 30s, 40s, 50s and so on, but that’s basically just a “well done for still breathing”. Nothing big changes in your life. It isn’t life some things become open to you that may not have been before. Except for a nursing home, or an over 50’s workout class. I mean that isn’t even a joke.

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At the moment the only things I have to look forward to are the ‘level ups’ in life because when I turn 17 I can drive, when I turn 18 I can sign up for the police and legally drink, but then what? What will I look forward to doing? What will I look out the window in awe and dream of the time when I can do the same. I mean I’m sorry but I’m not looking forward to free bus cards (well, maybe a little). Life as an adult already seemed so depressing to me but now that you don’t really have any set goals, what do you have? I suppose you can always make goals of your own, but if you are unmotivated like me, it can be hard to stick to those and actually make goals that are reachable. I would only be setting myself up for failure.

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I suppose it isn’t the birthday milestones that are gonna be the tragedy of life as an adult. Like I don’t find the fact that we won’t be squirming in bed on the night before our birthday to be depressing. It’s just that having something to look forward to learning and doing is kind of the only thing that gets me up in life. Even if that thing will inevitably be disappointing, it was fun to dream of it before then. For example, I always couldn’t wait to go to high school because we would learn so much more interesting and relevant stuff and I could revise which would mean I would have less time being bored (I don’t know where I got that logic from but I actually did think that) and then I got to high school and ended up having the worst experience of my life which led to being looking forward to leaving it.

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Another thing I couldn’t wait for was getting a job. To earn my own money, do an interview, meet new people, have exciting experiences, to be independent. And as most things go, I ended up hating it. After the first week that amazement fizzled out and I realised that the general public is pieces of stuck up shit (I was a waitress) and the people I worked with (only a select few I suppose) were assholes who made my life hell. Make sure to check out my other post which talks more about that horror of waitressing here and here. But anyway, that was another thing that I dreamed of doing, and when it came the magic was gone. I always guessed it would happen but that didn’t make the thought of it less magical.

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It’s things like that I am scared to finish. Having so many firsts, being excited to start new things, reaching milestones you thought of as a kid. I suppose there is marriage and kids if that is what you want but after that what is there? Retirement? I really don’t want to end up looking forward to that because I want a job I love and enjoy waking up to every day. But if I don’t look forward to retirement then what can I dream about? Yes, I know this is a depressing fucking topic and I feel like a bunch of adults are gonna read this like “I don’t even have a fucking clue” and spin-off into an existential crisis, but it is just a genuine question. Like just because I can’t see anything important, doesn’t mean that there isn’t because I could be wrong. Maybe having a clean slate for your future and being able to do anything LEGAL that you want is freeing. I don’t know? But at the moment I am 16 and I don’t have many milestones left and that terrifies me. A lot of things scare me to be fair but this one is harder to disprove.

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So am I wrong? Adults, please do tell me that I am. Are birthdays just not important and now it is just what happens in between? I really do hope I am wrong and I guess age is just a number but also a fucking important number as well. I think I might make another post on that because yes age is a number, but it isn’t JUST a number is it? Oh well, comment down below if you would like a post about that because I actually just came u with a few good ideas for that. Follow so that you get notified when I post about that in the near future and like if you enjoyed this page of existentialism. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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It’s All About Perspective

Ok guys, we aren’t about to get into some existential shit today because I don’t think I can take that at the moment, but I guess it kinda will be but like to a certain extent, so kinda just be warned about that but lets get started into it. This is another weekly reminder post… Continue Reading →

To All The TikTokers That Are Fighting Each Other…

Lately, since the whole Logan Paul and KSI fight or whoever it was, all tiktokers and youtubers have literally been fighting for no fucking reason. I mean at the start it was fun you know, like it was new and exciting, like a relationship. But also like a relationship, they get old and you realise… Continue Reading →

Could I Be Bothered? | Part 4

I feel like a lot of people will understand me when I say that there are things that people can literally just talk about and that makes you feel exhausted or just unmotivated to do that thing despite the fact you aren’t even going to do it but the thought of it is so horrible… Continue Reading →

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The Most Frustrating Thing Is Frustration

Being frustrated is a vicious cycle because frustration pretty much feeds off frustration. Like when you wake up and you are annoyed by the way the bed covers feel, you get frustrated cause you just like “fuck” and you know it’s gonna be a bad day. And there literally isn’t any way to control it or just get over it. You just end up having a shitty day and know that so when you get frustrated at literally nothing, you are literally thinking to yourself “why am I even annoyed by this because it is literally no big deal”.

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Even when it is something you do every day, or something that happens regularly, it just is so much worse and you feel like actually crying. This was me the other day when I came up with this blog post. Like everything enraged me even though I am actually quite a chill person. All my friends would probably say that to be fair, but I kinda have to admit that I can be a bad bitch if I need to. Like I was saying to my mum how the police were in talking to our class today and I’m really excited to join the police now because there are so many opportunities. And here my mum goes on talking about that it is great because you’re not very intimidating or like loud or anything so there might be better jobs for you too. Here was me bloody flabbergasted. My mum doesn’t even know me. If the situation calls for it, I will pop off. I can shout, I can be intimidating. Don’t try me bitch because I can change it up in here real quick. I’ll flip that personality that a pancake before I let you shout at me.

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I got off on a bit of a tangent there but what I was trying to say was that I had a really frustrating day and normal things bugged me. Like if the teacher wasn’t making any sense that day, or the fact they are a very talkative person, I would nearly be in tears because I just want to shout. Let’s say the teacher wasn’t explaining it well even though there was such an easy way to explain it, or she would just keep repeating herself over and over again, I would literally be squirming in my seat. Because obviously I can’t say anything because that’s just fucking rude, but having to sit through that would irritate me so much. And usually, I would just zone out and not give 2 shits but some days it really hits different.

I have to admit it is quite a good indicator that I might be having my period within the next few days (not to enforce the stereotype). I guess that explains it and makes it feel a bit less like I’m just losing my fucking mind but I could do without it, to be honest.

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The worst thing that can happen when you are having a frustrating day is having to walk a dog that is literally sniffing every blade of grass that they walk past as if they somehow became sherlock holmes, so you can’t even walk undisturbed. WALKS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING like I walk to try and stop the frustration but then this cute, fluffy spawn of satan just does your head in. I swear I look like an insane, mentally unstable person because by the end of my walk I am doing the slow turn around with the face of anger. Like you know what I mean. When you are so fed up that you want to scream but like you can’t because they will probably take your dog from you and it also is just weird to shout in public. I mean I love my dog with my whole heart but I would be lying if I said I never felt like dropping her leash and just running off into the distance. She probably wouldn’t notice anyway because she’s TOO FUCKING BUSY LOOKING AT A PILE OF DIRT.

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But yeah, I suppose to sum it up, when you get frustrated once, you just gotta wait until you go to bed that night because there is no way to get rid of that bitch. Like it’s a tough road and it happens but at least for some, there is a more obvious reason. Just one of those things I suppose. Please don’t forget to comment down below what you think about frustration. Hopefully, you see my point about frustration being frustrating. Also, like and follow for more posts like this (it can get quite mental) and I’ll see you next time. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT

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And You Did This For What?

I think we all related to this title a bit too much when you first read it. I know that whoever clicked on this was like “this shit about to be good” and it is because I am going to tell you about a few times that I have asked that question in my head… Continue Reading →