Weekly Reminder

My last ever GCSE exam (hopefully) is on tomorrow. Pretty freaky. Didn’t really think I would make it this far. I was wanting to do one of the things where it is like after 2 years, 107 hours of study, 20 mental break downs etc. but I can’t add up all of the mental breakdowns I had because it is a fuck tone, while on the other hand, I could count all my study hours on one hand. Why is that literally not even a joke though lol? But anyway, this is serious. I have my biology exam tomorrow and let’s just say it isn’t my strong point, but I am excited to get it done and over with after 5 years of being forced to do it. I am kinda scared, kind of excited, very much exhausted, but I just wanted to make a reminder to all of the people out there who are in a similar situation or are doing something difficult at the moment. You never know, somebody could be reading this in 2050 on mars and they are reading this in their mind thinking it is so retro that I have to use my fingers to type and they are just vibing in some space hope. Either that or WW3 wiped all of humanity out lol. But even if you are that person, I hope this will help you in some way, although isn’t the only problem is the shortage of mums? Mars needs mums :/ sorry that was a bad one I have to admit. This is supposed to be serious actually, but I also wanted to talk about it in another way, through a story. So enjoy.

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I am on the first step. You know, the steps you are told to take if you want to succeed. There are only 4 of them which seems easy, but it’s kinda hard. But maybe I am just overthinking these things. The first step, the one I am on, is getting straight A’s in school. That was a hard one to. I had to ignore friends and write lots of notes. I got very little sleep, but I got there eventually. Sure, I lost a lot, but it’s worth it, right? My next step is getting a degree. This one seems fun with the parties and friends, but I can’t quite see why people pay so much for it. I guess I will find out when I’m there. The thing is, step 2 is quite dangerous in terms of survival. A lot of people usually don’t make it past here because of mental problems, some completely lose the degree and go tumbling down the stairs. I have never seen anyone get back up after falling down. But that won’t happen to me. Obviously, it won’t, because I am different. My parents told me so. After you get your degree you can move on to step 3. Or as it better know, the point of no return. Once you get there they don’t let you back down, or at least they very rarely do. What is up there? Oh, a secure job. Or, well, they call it secure, but I have seen lots of people fall down from there. But that won’t happen to me when I get up there. I am going to be so smart and ready, and just like my parents said, I am different. So I am not worried about it. You have to stay there for a while though. Pretty much for the majority of your life. But it’s cool. You can get a family and a house. But that is pretty much it, I suppose.

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Then comes the last step. Step 4. That can only happen if you have gathered a good enough pension in step 3. If not, then you are booted down the steps again. I don’t think they do much up there though. It is a lot of waiting to go through the pearly gates at the end. Why? Because the pension they got usually doesn’t leave much room for adventure and by that point, they are exhausted. Who can blame them though, it is an awfully long journey. I am not sure what is past the gates though. People come up with all types of stuff and it is pretty cool. I am looking forward to it I guess. I mean if I went all that way to get there, it better be worth it. But no matter what, I am still on the first step. Just waiting on the cold rock steps. People seem to like it here, but I don’t. I can’t stop getting the feeling that there is something more. I have asked others about it, but they say that is all fake and never actually happens. Especially to people like us. But I swear that at times when I look around, I see other steps in the distance. It just flickers and maybe it is a hallucination, but it seems so real. So fascinating. There are never many people on it though, despite the fact that it looks so much nicer than over here. Every time I see it, it stays for longer and it gets closer. I am fed up with trying to show the others because they make me feel crazy and it makes me move farther away. So I keep this to myself in hopes that someday I get close enough to reach them.
It’s been a week. I am on the 3rd step now. I mean it is fun but it gets me distracted from the other steps. I feel as though I am always looking at what else there is, and not at the next step to success like everyone else. I think I am just dreaming and I haven’t come to terms that this is the best way for me to get to the gates. The way that I can make my parents proud of me and get the right job for a comfortable retirement. It still bugs me though. I mean why, after all these years of being so set on what to do and how I will do it, I suddenly don’t want it anymore. I mean I am fixating on the impossible.

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Another week. I have decided that I am going to jump. I can’t bear being on these steps anymore when I know that there is something else out there. At this point, I don’t even care if I don’t find anything because it will always be better than there. I have lost too many people to step 3 and I don’t want to become one of them. I have no skills for this, no knowledge. All of my schooling years have taught me nothing about how to make it to the other steps, so I have to find it on my own. There is no turning back now, but I am going to try everything I can to get to a better place.
I’ve made it! After all the long, lonely weeks, I have found the steps. I made sure to not let it out of my sight. I put everything I had left into getting there and I made it. When I got there, I looked up and my breath was taken away. I finally found where I was meant to be. The steps were nicely laid out, there weren’t as many people, it looked like a steep trek, but each seemed so much better than the one before. The people who fall down a step don’t get stuck at the bottom. They seem to have the support of some kind. I am pretty sure they call it knowledge, or determination, or something along those lines. There are so many more steps, but they get easier and shorter every time you get to the next one. The people look so much happier here than on my other step. Why did nobody tell me about this? Why was I told that the steps to success were over there when the ones right in front of me seem so much better? Well, I guess it is time to find out. It is time to get started.
I am on the first step. You know, the steps that were only in the movies and never talked about. There are many to go which seems hard, but it’s kinda awesome. Maybe I am different after all.
———————————————————— The end ————————————————————

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Anyways, that’s the story. What this kind of means is just that, despite what other’s tell you and what you think is right, there are different steps out there. Despite the fact you might be told it is ridiculous or fake, it is possible. So no matter what happens with your exams, or later on in life, you aren’t useless, these just aren’t the steps for you. But when you find them, you will be so happy and it will be so worth the wait. So take the risk, go against what they say, and it will be so worth it.


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Here’s The Thing About GCSEs…

So yesterday I just finished my last ever English exam and saying I am buzzing is pretty much an understatement. I mean I am pretty sure I failed it but it is over now so I don’t give a shit. But the thing is, GCSEs weren’t even such a big deal. Maybe that is because of corona or something, but literally I didn’t revise until the night before for all of them. Now of course it is a bit different this year. There aren’t as many and we knew more about what was going to be on the exam, but like still. And I am kinda raging about it because for the past 5 years I have literally been working my ass off just to get good grades in my trackers which don’t even matter, but when it comes to my GCSEs I have literally given up. Maybe that is saying something about my mental health?

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What was I getting at again? Oh yes, so for the past few years I have literally been looking at GCSEs like they were the devil. They aren’t no perfect peter like, but they aren’t as bad as they seem. The truth is, I get more stressed out that I am not stressed out, because these kind of determine my future so if I don’t do well in them, let’s just say I will have to get used to the smell of McDonalds. The fear kind of only hits me right before when I literally just sit down to do it and then realise “oh shit, I don’t know anything”. But at that point it is too late and I have to rely on others being in the same position. My excuse though is just that I am not great at memorizing words and putting them down on a test, which is pretty much exactly what GCSEs are, a memory test. I think that is why I like languages because it is testing what you know, not what you can memorise and forget about later. Like, I hate the writing part of Spanish because that is just memorizing things, but for reading and listening, you can’t learn things word for word and it just tests your general knowledge of it.

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I have to admit, the GCSE years were the best so far. Well, despite the fact there was a pandemic and I was actually out of school more than I was in it, but the vibes and the classes were better. Especially the last couple of months, because you have the motivation of “I will never have to do this topic ever again”. Like when I finished my essay and finally put my pen down I was just thinking that I will never have to analyse the significance of the colour brown or the full stop at the end of a sentence. I will never have to learn a 10 page essay by heart just so I can at least pass. I will never have to hear and see the teacher’s passive aggressive face and voice as the go “hmmmmmmmm WELlllllLLLLllll you are on the right track, you aren’t wrong, but let’s develop that a bit, Ok?”. The subjects I have been forced to do that brought me internal suffering are done forever and it is literally like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And quite literally because my English file weighs a fuck ton.

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That being said though, in your GCSE years, you get to know your teacher’s better and they begin to actually respect you and get to know you. You get to see the teacher’s who genuinely love their job and you start to tear up at the idea that you don’t have much time left with them. I only have one day left of school this year, and despite the fact I have 2 years ahead of me, I was gonna miss the teachers. There are gonna be some that I will never have again because I don’t do their subject, yet they are literally my favourite people. Yesterday, one of our french teachers made crepes for everyone for form period and apparently she had spent the past 5 nights staying up to make them for us. And the look on her face because she was so proud of herself and happy at being a teacher, near made me cry. And then there are other teacher’s running around talking to you, getting photos and helping out. They are literally like your other mums and dads. This is the moment where you see the teacher’s that genuinely love being a teacher and it is so great because in first year or third year, you just saw them as teachers who give you lots of homework, but then later on you realise they are actual people and have personalities. You are able to see how much effort they put in everyday to take care of us and give us the best education and support that they need. Maybe that is just my school, but I know that when I leave in 2 years, I am going to miss some of those teachers more than I do some of the students. Although too be fair a lot of the students are bloody annoying lol

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So if you are a teacher, or even my teacher! I just want you to know that we are so greatful for what you do. I know as first years we don’t fully understand what you do for us, but when we get older and get to know you more, we appreciate what you do for us everyday and how you make us feel so comforted and included. So keep doing what you are doing. And if you are a student, just know that, although my years have been different, GCSE years are life changing so try to enjoy them despite the stress. The teachers genuinely do care and you will most likely remember them for the rest of your life. Take each day at a time and just enjoy it. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT


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