This post is gonna come off as fucking cheeky and kind of playing with American stereotypes, but I want to make it clear to you now that I 100% mean it. So, sorry I guess but it has to be done. To be fair though, when was there ever a need for you to learn this stuff? It isn’t like you were given much of a chance seeing as you only found out last week that other countries existed 😮
|UK vs. Britain vs. England|
Are you Irish?
Cookies vs. Biscuits
Messed up weather
What is Brexit?
Damn, that one was kinda rude but the truth hurts *gets cancelled* Anyways before I get the whole of the US against me, I just want to say that I really don’t mean any offence by this and it’s just a wee laugh, to be honest. I mean, I can’t really speak because I’m dumb as fuck. Not that you are… I just meant that… Never mind. Let’s just get started.
UK vs. Britain vs. England
Surprisingly enough, these three locations are not all the same thing 😮 The UK consists of 4 countries (Northern Ireland, England, Scotland and Wales) although, as a word of advice, just don’t say that to people in Northern Ireland because there is a 50% chance you could get kneecapped, OK? Anyways, Britain consists of 3 countries (England, Scotland and Wales) however only English people call themselves British and if you call the other ones British you will most likely get stabbed. And lastly, England. This is one country. There is a city in it called London, but no, the entirety of England is not London. Just a wee fun fact for you there. To be fair, seeing you guys trying to work this out is top entertainment so don’t even worry about it.
Are You Irish?
I don’t care if your fucking great-great-grandfather was a fucking leprechaun, you are NOT Irish. Now, I’m not angry about it but I just find it so funny how you base your whole personality on this one minuscule thing. I swear your grandfather could have eaten a potato one day or had a pint of Guinness and you would declare yourself Irish. Sorry to break it to you but you really just are not. What also cracks me up is when Americans go to Ireland for the first time and they act as though they just found a piece of them that was missing. They’ll breathe in the Irish air like they’re a character in a coming of age film on their first day of school. It’s so funny.
Every time we went to America (literally twice but shut up) people would ask us where we are from and we’d be like “northern Ireland” and that would be us busy for the next hour or so because they were basically whipping out their family tree and their fucking 23andme results. It’s like going into a Lush store (if you know, you know). But in all seriousness, if you ever go anywhere in Ireland and say you are Irish in your thick American accent, you will most likely be absolutely slaughtered. Just… no.
Fair enough though, if your mum or your dad was from Ireland then that’s something but even still if you were born in America and raised in America you gotta understand that you are American. Sorry to ruin your dream I guess but the truth hurts
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a sucker for a cuppa tea. Does it make up a lot of my personality? Honestly, yes. But I’m an exception because funnily enough, we aren’t all tea addicts. So don’t go mentioning tea all the time because we have learnt the appropriate times of when to mention tea and when not to mention tea. It really isn’t that hard. As long as you know never to give an unconscious person tea, then you’ll get sweet. Unconscious people don’t want tea.
We don’t really even take tea that seriously though like it’s a stereotype and you kinda gotta remember that. But if you want to keep holding us to the stereotype then we can keep calling Americans gun crazy. Compromise? (sorry that was a bit far)
Cookie vs. Biscuit
Contrary to popular belief, we use both of these words. Our explanations are actually pretty accurate and you can never prove to me otherwise. There are some anomalies out there that cause a few arguments such as a Jaffa cake (which is stinkin’, to be honest) and also a Maryland cookie. Obviously, it has a cookie in the name but there is more to it than that, don’t even get me started.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but you think we call every form of, as you call it, cookie, a biscuit, but we don’t. A biscuit is crumblier if you know what I mean. Like it snaps easier and is more solid, like a digestive (top tip, caramel digestive are a necessity) but we still use the word cookie for things such as the classic chocolate chip cookie where it is more gooey. It might be a little bit crunchy on the outside but then soft on the inside. We call that a cookie and we demolish the people that call a cookie a biscuit.
Here is the rundown for you. You can call a biscuit a cookie (if you must *eye roll*) but you can never call a cookie a biscuit, no exceptions.
Messed Up Weather
Honestly, I can’t even give you a solid explanation for what the fuck goes on with our weather, but I’ll tell you one thing, the weather people do not have an easy job. You may feel it is rainy all the time and at some points that’s right. The weather is shite very often which can get really old really quickly, but it’s also cosy as shit so we move, but then you get the cheeky wee switch up in the summer where it’s a whole new level of hot.
Deadass, it’s as though mother nature was so busy getting the rest of the world warmth and sun and one day was like “oh shit” and realised that she completely forgot us so to catch up she just pours it all into one week so we can catch up with the others. Either that or she just fucking spilt the whole bag on us. What you don’t think about though is the fact that we don’t have air conditioning in our houses because this shit ain’t normal (except it does happen most years so you would think we’d learn) so you can’t sleep or be comfortable anywhere.
It’s fun for the first few days but when I tell you we make the most of it, I am telling you we make the most of it. You can’t get out of your driveway there’s that much traffic. There will be fucking barbeques all over the place. The scientists and researchers everywhere are probably like “oh shit, global warming just skyrocketed what the fuck happened?” and someone will just be there like “The UK got their heatwave, but it shouldn’t last more than a week.” Gotta admit, seeing all these pasty-skinned people finally get some natural vitamin D is a wonderful experience
What is Brexit?
I don’t even fucking know at this point
I think I will end it there because honestly, I have no clue what else you guys have questions about in terms of the UK. Feel free to leave some in the comments below and I can make another post about it. I promise I won’t judge your questions because it basically isn’t really your fault and I really couldn’t care less. I just like to make jokes, whether they are bad or not. Funnily enough, we do like to make fun of Americans but it’s all in good taste honestly. But as a word of warning, if you go to any of the 4 countries, be careful with what you call said place because it’s a fucking mess, but I can keep that for another post if you like. May God be with you on that one I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.
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