What Comes After 21?

If you are like me, an overthinker, you will most likely understand this question immediately. And no, the answer is a little more complicated than 22. I swear if I get a comment like that I will literally erase my existence. Anyways, for those who don’t really get what I mean, let me tell you.

What comes after 21? A question I have always asked myself since I started my anxious life. I mean for every birthday until then there has been significant. There is the actual day of your birth, which is big for obvious reasons, you’ve got 10 when you finally go into the double digits, 13 you are a teen, 17 you can learn to drive, 18 you can legally drink (in the UK), 20 you are no longer a teen, and while 21 is bigger in the USA because they can legally drink now, it is still counted as a milestone birthday around the world. But then what? Not to be morbid or anything but the next big day is your… death day. Yes, you have the 30s, 40s, 50s and so on, but that’s basically just a “well done for still breathing”. Nothing big changes in your life. It isn’t life some things become open to you that may not have been before. Except for a nursing home, or an over 50’s workout class. I mean that isn’t even a joke.

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At the moment the only things I have to look forward to are the ‘level ups’ in life because when I turn 17 I can drive, when I turn 18 I can sign up for the police and legally drink, but then what? What will I look forward to doing? What will I look out the window in awe and dream of the time when I can do the same. I mean I’m sorry but I’m not looking forward to free bus cards (well, maybe a little). Life as an adult already seemed so depressing to me but now that you don’t really have any set goals, what do you have? I suppose you can always make goals of your own, but if you are unmotivated like me, it can be hard to stick to those and actually make goals that are reachable. I would only be setting myself up for failure.

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I suppose it isn’t the birthday milestones that are gonna be the tragedy of life as an adult. Like I don’t find the fact that we won’t be squirming in bed on the night before our birthday to be depressing. It’s just that having something to look forward to learning and doing is kind of the only thing that gets me up in life. Even if that thing will inevitably be disappointing, it was fun to dream of it before then. For example, I always couldn’t wait to go to high school because we would learn so much more interesting and relevant stuff and I could revise which would mean I would have less time being bored (I don’t know where I got that logic from but I actually did think that) and then I got to high school and ended up having the worst experience of my life which led to being looking forward to leaving it.

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Another thing I couldn’t wait for was getting a job. To earn my own money, do an interview, meet new people, have exciting experiences, to be independent. And as most things go, I ended up hating it. After the first week that amazement fizzled out and I realised that the general public is pieces of stuck up shit (I was a waitress) and the people I worked with (only a select few I suppose) were assholes who made my life hell. Make sure to check out my other post which talks more about that horror of waitressing here and here. But anyway, that was another thing that I dreamed of doing, and when it came the magic was gone. I always guessed it would happen but that didn’t make the thought of it less magical.

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It’s things like that I am scared to finish. Having so many firsts, being excited to start new things, reaching milestones you thought of as a kid. I suppose there is marriage and kids if that is what you want but after that what is there? Retirement? I really don’t want to end up looking forward to that because I want a job I love and enjoy waking up to every day. But if I don’t look forward to retirement then what can I dream about? Yes, I know this is a depressing fucking topic and I feel like a bunch of adults are gonna read this like “I don’t even have a fucking clue” and spin-off into an existential crisis, but it is just a genuine question. Like just because I can’t see anything important, doesn’t mean that there isn’t because I could be wrong. Maybe having a clean slate for your future and being able to do anything LEGAL that you want is freeing. I don’t know? But at the moment I am 16 and I don’t have many milestones left and that terrifies me. A lot of things scare me to be fair but this one is harder to disprove.

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So am I wrong? Adults, please do tell me that I am. Are birthdays just not important and now it is just what happens in between? I really do hope I am wrong and I guess age is just a number but also a fucking important number as well. I think I might make another post on that because yes age is a number, but it isn’t JUST a number is it? Oh well, comment down below if you would like a post about that because I actually just came u with a few good ideas for that. Follow so that you get notified when I post about that in the near future and like if you enjoyed this page of existentialism. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Have You Amber Heard About This?

It comes as no shock that there is currently a trial between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Just to clear things up, Amber Heard is an actor… mostly. But for real I have never seen or heard of her ever before. I’m pretty sure Johnny said she was on Aquaman or something. All you need… Continue Reading →

My Life Is an Unsuccessful Netflix Show

I don’t know what to call this feeling, but you know when you get a sudden realisation that this is in fact real life. Like you aren’t gonna start into a new season or a new episode of a show. You are just gonna start the next day with the same problems, the same things… Continue Reading →

I’m OK With Following The Crowd Right Now

I don’t know if this is the social anxiety coming out of me right now but like for real I just let others decide who I am for real. Like it’s not that I’m fake, I’m just moldable? That sounds weird as fuck but like I will change my personality to suit the person I’m… Continue Reading →

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Emotion Comes In Shades

What do I mean when I say “Emotion comes in shades”? No, I don’t associate colours with certain feelings, what I mean is that emotions aren’t so black and white. There are layers, different forms of emotions. It’s more deep than just sad, happy or confused. And I think that is what people find difficult when they feel something that they can’t quite describe because they feel different, or in a sense, weird. And I am no therapist, but I’m a human, so I know that when I say emotions be crazy I am telling the truth. Let me develop this a bit more.

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I, like many people, have mental struggles, and I am lucky enough to get therapy. And one thing I have heard my mum say is that when I am struggling or feeling a bit down, there are two attitudes, or personalities, that can come from it. I can either be really defensive or as she would say “edgy”, in the way that I don’t let people come near me to comfort me, or I can be more ‘small’ or as I describe it, melty. I guess that means I am just more timid and kind of as if puppy eyes were a personality. Like I don’t know why but kind of as though I act really young again, like a child who isn’t feeling well and just wants a cuddle. I mean I will never reach out in that way but I get that sort of personality. But basically, those are two ‘shades’ of anxiety that I can have. I suppose there are more, maybe they blend in together at some point, but like a lot of shades, it’s hard to distinguish between them until you take a step back and look at the big picture.

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I think this way of seeing emotions could also be helpful to kind of understand how you can approach someone with a certain emotion. You may not know just by talking to them, but if you were to ask them something like in my example “do you feel edgy or melty right now” and then you know whether to give them space or a hug. Obviously, that doesn’t solve it and it does require them to talk which they may not want, but it could really help. If you had a secret code or something to signal that you are sad, but in an “I just watched a sad video and I’ll be fine” way, or an “I’m finding it hard to balance everything and so many bad things are happening now” way. I think that could really help.

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And I feel as though people who see the emotion in a black and white type of way can be passive and almost unhelpful in a sense when it comes to the emotions of others and their own. Because if you were to ask someone “Hey are you ok?” or something along those lines, and they just replied with “meh, I’m fine”, then a “black and white” perspective would make them think that they are just neutral, nothing is wrong. But if you were to ask them “fine meaning what?” then they might eventually admit they are fine as in barely holding on, then you can be there for them. It is most likely it isn’t even the person’s fault because they were raised with a “black and white” perspective and they don’t really know any different, but you can learn and that is the best thing to do. It doesn’t matter if that was you in the past because you couldn’t help it, but if you try to understand and maybe listen more about it, you can see that “fine” or “happy” or “anxious” can mean multiple different things.

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And I don’t mean that in the sense that you shouldn’t even bother asking because there are so many layers to it and you can’t even be bothered trying to work out what it is they are feeling and how you can help them with that. I mean it as in you should take what they say with a grain of salt because there is more behind it than you might think. They may not even know it themselves until they really think for a second. Obviously, you don’t have to over-analyse everyone’s responses but it can help to know if they are feeling some way in a jokey sense, or in a more serious sense.

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I think it could also help you. Not for helping out others, but for reassuring yourself that what you are feeling is ok and normal. Sometimes I may feel some way and when I get asked how I felt, I don’t know what to say. Maybe I was angry but sad and ‘melty’ or maybe I was happy but ‘edgy’. Because it is so hard to describe how you feel with just “good” or “bad” because emotions are so complex but they are what make us human. The colours make life more interesting and sometimes scary, but you know that at the end of the day we all recognize the shades we see. Sometimes the hardest part is just accepting it and recognizing its beauty.

I hope this post made sense to you all and got you thinking a little bit. I suppose this was a deep post but I enjoyed it and hope you did too. If it did then don’t forget to like, follow and comment down below. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Kitchen or war the womens crossword animated modern sleek blog cover photo

Kitchen or War | The Women’s Crossroad

Please let me tell you that I am in fact a girl! I am not some man that is about to start slabbering about how women are supposed to make everyone a fucking sandwich and look after their kids while the man is at war. I also want to say that this is light-hearted and… Continue Reading →

a roaring 20's themed war 2020 memorial image with memories and news of recent

The Raging 20’s, Is It an Inevitable Disaster?

I’m sorry, but between my last post and this one, we have literally gone through a war. That’s not even a joke sadly enough. Corona is kinda fading away (except the Queen has joined the Corona Club) but then we gotta keep the drama alive so we start into world war 3! Sounds like a… Continue Reading →

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