Do You Know What’s Weird? | Plants are alive

Now please don’t think I’m some sort of alien conspiracy bitch, like I understand that plants are a living thing because I went to school (not in the USA) and did biology (again, not in the USA) so I would say I know a thing or two. I also think about things too much which usually gets regurgitated into a blog post and that is exactly what this is. But what got me thinking about this random shit? Well, my dad, an avid David Attenborough fan, was watching green planet, or whatever one was out recently, and was raving about this one plant that was weird as hell. Yes, I know, we have the best conversations. But let’s talk about it today.

Contents
1. The Glow Up
2. Ironic Names
3. They Got A Whole Ass Personality
4. How Are They Not Conscious Beings
5. Some Are Omnivores
6. House Plants
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1. The Glow Up

Evolution hit them like a ton of bricks, literally no lie. Obviously, like humans, some didn’t get hit so hard (*cough*daisies*cough*literal grass*cough*), but fuck me there is a good handful of them that literally changed like there was no tomorrow. The one that my dad showed me, and I won’t tell you the name yet because I’m leaving that for the next sub-topic, was so freaking advanced that it may as well be the Elon Musk of the plant kingdom. Just always one step ahead of everyone. Also like Elon, I have a suspicion it’s some sort of robot.

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Tell me why this plant literally slithers around to find this plant and grows fucking bladders so that it can steal the water and also the little bugs that for some reason are created in this plant. They deadass just steal the plant’s food and fuck off before they can do anything about it. How raging would you be? Like you got your rainwater and little dead animals all ready to eat, but then this greedy bitch comes, grows fucking bladders, and the next second it’s all gone! The audacity.

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Honestly, though, it’s so weird how plants have evolved to do such weird things. Like it’s unbelievable. They are resilient as fuck because they can grow anywhere and just thrive in harsh conditions. And what do we do? Fucking cry if they gave us the wrong 12″ pizza? Goddamn. It must have taken so long though and I still don’t even know how they learned what they need to do because they don’t have a mind. I get the whole “survival of the fittest” type shit, but how do they know to go to this plant and grow these separate organs and then grow hairs that detect when they need to chomp on a little bug.

I mean I was shocked when I found out sunflowers turn their head to face the sun, but that means nothing to me now.

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2. Ironic Names

I think it’s absolutely hilarious how people name plants. They must be top comedians because the amount of shit they come up with is so funny. From the plant I described above, what would you think it’s called? Some sort of heroic name or just something that sounds pretty classy, like maybe… right well I don’t know, but something cool that’s for sure. And now guess what they called it. If you said “bladder wart”, you are, firstly a cheater, but also a winner.

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It’s the height of disrespect honestly. It’s like calling superman, just “man”, or calling the hulk, “booger wart”. Like it isn’t right. Did a child name it? That’s the only way I could excuse it because when I hear the word bladder wart, I would be thinking of driving that person to the hospital for a check-up cause that sounds nasty. It is ironic, and maybe poetic, to hear such an amazingly adapted plant be called such a dumb fucking name.

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There are also some names that are kinda perfect because the flower is so irrelevant and insignificant that they didn’t even give their names the time of day. Like a sunflower, I mean what the fuck is that? I can guarantee you the decision went like this:

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person 1: ahh, I’ve found another plant, it’s amazing
person 2: meh, it’s kinda shit really
person 1: yeah you’re right actually… We’ve still gotta name it though
person 2: awk for fuck sake *sigh* just call it… a fuckin’… a sunflower I fucking hate my job

Somebody go check the history books because I’m pretty sure that was spot on

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3. They Got A Whole Ass Personality

No joke they’ve got more of a personality than half the people in my school. These hoes don’t stop for nobody. They give me very much “motivational talker who tells you to not give a fuck about anyone but yourself” kinda vibe. And I respect that. However, they also give me “two-faced snake” vibes. Sure they look pretty but underneath they’ve got this whole network of roots. I never thought anything of it until my mum and dad were talking about how they were worried the tree outside was getting too big (yep, I’m an eco bitch) and I was like “why is that bad?” and they deadass went on to say it could destroy our house. I’m sorry but what the fuck? I’d love to see that honestly.

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I suppose they do go through a lot so we can’t blame their attitude. We will literally turn them into a fucking treehouse, chop them down, make them into a literal bookcase filled with pages that are also made out of themselves, and climb all over them like it’s nobody’s business.

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4. How Are They Not Concious Beings?

It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact they have evolved to do such amazing things, but it’s even crazier to think that they aren’t really conscious beings like we are. Sure they are classified as a living thing but they don’t have a brain or any thoughts (that we know of :o) and yet they still just do this shit because of cells and science shit.

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You can’t tell me it there isn’t any “Inside Out” business going on in there because I could imagine a little plant anger or a little plant joy. They are quite literally smarter than some of the guys in my year. I’m no David Attenborough but I sure as hell would prefer the company of a literal plant than other people.

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It is just amazing and crazy though when you think about it. Like they’ll find an obstacle and be like “oh shit ok let’s go this way instead” or, in terms of a venus flytrap, they have pretty much a built in timer that helps them figure out the difference between a bug and everything else. No joke, venus flytraps have this thing where they only shut if they sense something within 20 seconds of each other so that it doesn’t just close on a raindrop or something. There is also this other plant that looks so pretty but literally has this gel like thing on the spikes that makes any insects that go on it stick and it will deadass curl them up and the gel will literally digest them. Imagine seeing that happen! Imagine being that fly!

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5. Some are Omnivores

Plants really switched it up on this one because on the food chain we see plants as literally the primary producers, so they convert the sunlight into energy and then an animal comes, eats them and then get’s that energy. But in some cases that bitch is a fucking consumer. They really pulled it out of the bag with that one and honestly I respect that. Like it’s a two way system and if one doesn’t like being eaten then the got to work something out.

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They really do be getting their revenge like they are fucking Bruce Wayne. They snack on a whole fly and then carry on as a pretty piece of nature. Do you know how many plants just murdered something right before they were put on camera in a photo or TV show. Like that is some crazy shit. LOL don’t think I’m crazy, it’s a joke, but I find it hilarious how nobody appreciates that plants, quite literally not a conscious being, eats a fucking living, conscious thing. Well, I don’t really know if insects have thought tbh? Wow that’s gonna keep me up at night

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6. House Plants

And lastly, it’s important to touch on the real warriors of the planet, house plants. You think you got it rough? Pfft, try being dehydrated and forgotten for weeks. These hoes are like the depressed middle child. Miserable, forgotten, but always loved. So shoutout to all the plants that died of dehydration! You are a real one. You really light up the room. You made us all feel better about ourselves and made us feel like we could accomplish something in life. Sorry that we forgot you, but you shall always be remembered… not really.

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I actually am growing plants at the moment. Bonsai trees to be exact. Like I literally got it for Christmas and I’m quite excited. The thing is only one has actually started to grow and it’s been 2 weeks, but it says it could be 3 weeks so we’ll not panic yet. I feel like I’ll have to name them but I’ll do that later once I’ve gotten to see them. The on I have at the moment is kinda crazy on the top like a palm tree, so I’m either gonna call it Pam or Sideshow Bob. What do you think?

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And there we have it. To all those people who were thinking “how the fuck could someone write a whole fucking post about how plants are weird?” I just did it bitch. And now I’ve got you equally as freaked out by plants. Thank you so much for reading this though and I would love if you could like, comment, give a cheeky little donation so I can keep posting and follow for more content like this every other day (or at least I try). I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Why Does Nobody Appreciate A Bargain?

POV: it’s Saturday. You are with a friend on the train and because we are so spontaneous we say “hey, why don’t we go to Botanic instead?”. You feel crazy because you are now getting off one stop later, what a rush. You go around and live the quirky life you desired as you shop… Continue Reading →

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The Most Common US Misconceptions About The UK

This post is gonna come off as fucking cheeky and kind of playing with American stereotypes, but I want to make it clear to you now that I 100% mean it. So, sorry I guess but it has to be done. To be fair though, when was there ever a need for you to learn… Continue Reading →

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How To Describe My Blog

Sometimes when I am writing a new post I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and wonder what the fuck I’m even talking about. What genre is this? I would say comedy but then again I don’t want to seem cocky and I don’t even know if people understand my humour. I would also… Continue Reading →

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Why Does Nobody Appreciate A Bargain?

POV: it’s Saturday. You are with a friend on the train and because we are so spontaneous we say “hey, why don’t we go to Botanic instead?”. You feel crazy because you are now getting off one stop later, what a rush. You go around and live the quirky life you desired as you shop in charity shops. Then bam, in one of the last shops you go to you find the biggest bargain ever (or at least that I’ve ever seen). It’s a literal Panasonic Lumix digital camera for £20 and it’s pretty much brand new! Who am I, Bargain Hunter?

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But then guess what? You go home completely buzzing, ready to show this win because my mum loves a bargain too (or so I thought). Then when I walk in the house like the retro bitch I am, I shove the camera in their face and go like “guess how much this was?” and they’re like “Ummm-” but they takin’ too long so I gotta but in like “£20!”. *crickets* In fact, there weren’t even any crickets. They were too busy going and wasting all their money instead of appreciating my find. What is up with these people?

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And tell me why the fuck they turn to me and say “don’t you have a phone?” They really said that, deadass. Bitch where is this whole “when I was your age all I had was my imagination” type shit? You should appreciate me becoming a retro gal and finding enjoyment that isn’t on my phone. And anyway, did you not hear what price it was??? Like… get your ears checked girl. You know what? I’ll just take a picture of your ear with my NEW camera, so you’re welcome bitch.

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And you never know, this could be my calling. I could become the next big photographer but they don’t give a shit. Do I have any interest in doing that? No, but I could. Maybe if they were motivational or nice then I would become a photographer gorl. But never mind, I guess this is good for my autobiography “that bargain bitch: the price you pay for appreciation”. Don’t think I’m not taking notes bitch

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Sometimes, though, I have to admit that at some points all these discounts are making me pay more overall because I will buy that shit just because it’s cheap. Like I was near about to buy this wireless apple watch charger (that was probably non-functional) when I don’t even have an apple watch, all because it was like £2.50. And I was also about to buy a really small tripod that was so crusty musty that I felt sick to my stomach, only because it was 50p. To be fair, I never actually bought those things, but you better bet that I have bought some random crap. I can’t remember them all but I will list a few

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  1. A ping-pong net: To be fair, we do actually have stuff for ping-pong/table tennis (whatever the difference is) so I could kind of justify it, but then again I haven’t played it since a really dark time in the third quarantine and I don’t know if I’m ready to go back there. But it’s the one that is pretty snazzy and clips onto the side of your table and you can pull the net out to whatever length you want. And guess how much it cost me? £1.50! No joke. I was loving it. Will I ever use it? Who fucking knows but now I have a great convo starter for every single time it is in my presence
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2. A 10 pack of A5 booklets: Don’t even ask me what the fuck was going on here because I just want to leave that behind me. But let me tell you anyways. I was going through one of those phases where you panic because you don’t know shit about how to revise well. Then one day I was shopping, as one does, and I was in easons (RIP) and there was this 10 pack of A5 booklets. I wouldn’t have given a shit if I hadn’t seen the bright yellow sticker that said £3. I don’t even know if that is fucking worth it because I tried it for one subject and it just really stressed me out. The pages were thin as fuck and I couldn’t get it to look nice. So now, as a result, I am £3 down and have 10 useless booklets taking up room on my bookshelf. Do not recommend tbh.

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3. Lastly, because I rarely regret a good bargain, I’m gonna talk about a broad topic which is buying stuff that you already have just because it’s cheaper and you never know, maybe there could be a zombie apocalypse and the only thing that stops them is another lip balm. Don’t come looking for me when you can’t find another burts bees anywhere, I’ll be living freely. It does get out of hand as some point though because it’s such a fucking waste. I have so many body lotions and face masks that are so out of date I could probably get them sent out to be used for a science experiment.

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I know everyone in the comments is gonna be going on about how it’s a whole marketing tactic and that you can’t believe that I would actually fall for that, but bravo to the bitch who came up with the tactic because it is hella smart. I’m not even ashamed to admit that I will fall for it again and again and I want it to continue that way. No matter what the product is, if I see a mega discount, you better know I’m gonna go get it and then go home and brag about it to everyone. Honestly, they do get sick of it, but who is the one who can handle their money well? Maybe I’ll spend £50 on 67 random pieces of crap, but at least I won’t spend that much on fucking jeans.

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Lol, yeah I guess that is all I have to say about bargains at the moment. Honestly, though, who all loves a bargain because I know I do but I feel like nobody really respects it. It never gets old. You get such a sense of pride that you somehow found something at such an amazing price and probably nobody else will get it, especially if it’s in a charity shop which is something I’ve really gotten into lately. I find it so fun to compare prices because I’ll deadass go into a shop like Pull and Bear or Stradevarious and go around point at clothes like “can you believe I literally got a top that is EXACTLY like that for £2, and they are selling it here for £39.99?! I could never” and then I’d continue that with every item of clothing until they kick me out.

And what about it? Fight me. Anyways, I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Do You Know What’s Weird? | Plants are alive

Now please don’t think I’m some sort of alien conspiracy bitch, like I understand that plants are a living thing because I went to school (not in the USA) and did biology (again, not in the USA) so I would say I know a thing or two. I also think about things too much which… Continue Reading →

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I Don’t Get The Guinness Book Of World Records

Maybe it’s because I have no skills of my own but like I don’t understand the hype of the Guinness book of world records because the only thing it did was make me confused at why the drink my dad loves is making a book? Like… make it make sense. It’s kinda cool I guess… Continue Reading →

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Let’s Discuss It | Pronouns

Can people please just get over it and wise up because it just isn’t that hard bitch. Firstly I’d like to say that my pronouns are she/her and I’m straight so I can’t really speak of experience but I want to talk from the perspective of just an accepting human being which is literally the… Continue Reading →

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I Don’t Get The Guinness Book Of World Records

I don't get the guinness book of world records colourful large title comedy blog feature picture image

Maybe it’s because I have no skills of my own but like I don’t understand the hype of the Guinness book of world records because the only thing it did was make me confused at why the drink my dad loves is making a book? Like… make it make sense. It’s kinda cool I guess but when was the last time you actually bought one? Probably never because, well, they are kinda fucking expensive, and secondly who gives a shit? The only reason I have one is that my granda had one and it was shiny so I did that thing where you acted obsessed with one thing so that your grandparents would let you keep it. Is that just me? Ok… well that’s awkward. But anyway, I have a couple of questions and problems to do with this book and hopefully, someone can relate to or answer me.

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1. Does it get you anywhere in life?

I suppose not everything in life needs to be for a reason but what does it even bring to the table? How would you even bring that up in a social situation because it just seems unnatural and sometimes, depending on what you did, a bit worrying? Sometimes I imagine this…

Record Holder: So yeah, I also got into the Guinness book of world records for shoving a whole bag of jellybeans up my ass!
Person 2:
Record holder:
Person 2: *stands up* I don’t really think you’re who Candyland is looking for

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Depending on what it is you did though it would be cool because you get the people who can speak the most languages or read the fastest and I respect that and think it’s awesome. But then you get the ones who can eat a jam doughnut without licking their lips the quickest (sorry Oli White) or can fit the most clothes pegs on their face. Who hurt you? And also, how the fuck did you find this out?

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2. How does one even get the opportunity?

Genuinely, I am interested in how you can become an official world record holder because, while I don’t really plan to get one any time soon because… I have no talents, I just always wonder what you would have to do to get one of their people to come over in their fancy suits and watch attempt the record. Surely it costs money? And what if you don’t get it? Surely that’s a wee bit awkward because you’ll probably be sweating or have like 100 straws in your mouth and be like “so… do you want a cup of tea”. I’ve already got social anxiety but I could only imagine what that would be like.

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Wait, I literally just searched it up, which I probably should have done before but literally stop attacking me, and I found out that you don’t have to have an official go to you and all you have to do is submit a video (that is obviously up to standard and has a bunch of other stuff that I can’t be arsed to type) and they will send you over a certificate if you did win it. You can get an adjudicator though but I feel that’s more for YouTubers and shit. Not gonna lie that would be a fun job. I don’t know how much that would cost but I don’t even think I wanna know. If you are wanting to read more about it this is their website btw.

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3. What happens when someone else beats you?

Obviously, at some point in your life someone will break your world record and you’ll probably be fucking raging but it is what it is, you gotta pass on the torch, but what actually happens? To be honest, I don’t really know what I am expecting as an answer. A SWAT team raids your house and takes the certificate, removing any traces it ever existed, or nothing happens and you find out you were beaten because their mum posted it on Facebook? Logically it probably just says the year you got it in and what your results/record was so when someone else beats you they have proper updated evidence, but like that isn’t that fun to think about. I mean I’ve gotta get some good content out there FOR FUCK SAKE.

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4. Can you just make one up and then say you are the best?

When I hear some of the records people achieve I kinda lose hope that I’ll ever become mentally stable again because all of these people are just crazy. They have done the most random crap and now have a world record. How does that even work though? Could I make up some random crap and be like “This is my attempt at giving the least shits for the longest time ever” and then boom, the next day I’m getting my photos taken. I feel like I have heard somewhere that the Guinness people will review it (obviously) and then make the minimum target that you have to get to win the award, but surely if you don’t reach the target but are still the only person to have ever done it you are technically the record holder? Is there someone who has the world record for making up the most world records? Surely there is… *runs off to make new records*

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5. Ok, but at what cost?

Don’t get me wrong guys, I respect the fuck out of anyone who has a world record and honestly I would run at any chance I got to get a world record even if it was the dumbest shit. It is quite the flex, but sometimes I stay up at night worrying about how stretched out the ears of the world’s strongest ears person must be. They are pulling fucking lorries and it scares me for so many reasons, one being how the fuck did they realise they had strong ears and for why? Like honestly I don’t even want to talk about it. Does the certificate make up for it? Can that guy get the bag of jelly beans out again? I wish you luck.

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Anyways, I suppose that is my post over now and I don’t know why but that last paragraph got me kinda worried. What does happen to all those people after they win? Do they just gotta train for a new one or go back to normal life with a random party trick. If you have a world record please do comment down below because I think that’s so interesting. Surely that boosts the fuck out of your ego because I know I would be wearing that shit around my neck like “oh, this old thing?! How embarrassing, it’s just my world record certificate. No big deal” like the main character I am. But yeah, please do like, comment and follow for more because that means more to me than any certificate ever could. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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The Stupidity In An Educated Guess

I was in one of my weird patches the other day and I was scrolling through my social media (as is normal during a breakdown) and I saw some things that kinda maybe didn’t help me at all, but it got me thinking about how we can guess things with a pretty solid argument for… Continue Reading →

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Let’s Discuss It| Stating The Obvious

I’m not really an angry person if I’m gonna be honest and although this doesn’t really make me that angry, it gets me in that manic laughing phase which is kinda fucking scary. Like you know that point where you just look at someone who just said something to you and you don’t have any… Continue Reading →

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Jennifer Lawerence Is What?

Talk about a merry fucking Christmas because I just found out something that has blown me away. It has been released before Christmas but I am only getting around to talking about this now because I wanted to spread out the happiness across this December. So without further ado, let’s talk about what the fuck… Continue Reading →

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The Stupidity In An Educated Guess

I was in one of my weird patches the other day and I was scrolling through my social media (as is normal during a breakdown) and I saw some things that kinda maybe didn’t help me at all, but it got me thinking about how we can guess things with a pretty solid argument for it, yet it could be completely wrong. Obviously, I’ll give you an example and a better explanation of it, but what I want to get across is that although we can take an educated guess, it is still a guess and not a fact. So while we may think it makes sense, we are probably still not right (not offend your intelligence)

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Example of The Stupid of Educated Guesses

Trying to be as vague as possible as to not expose me or the other person (despite the fact they most likely do not know this blog exists and even if they did they probably wouldn’t realise anything and not give a shit), I went onto Snapchat and one of the people I follow had put something up on their story and was saying how proud of themselves they were for being able to do something that they find hard. I too find it hard to do what they just did and usually when I do it I don’t feel proud so I was like “oh shit why am I literally not even trying to get better at said thing? I’m just not trying hard enough and I’m such a failure and will never get to the place they are. And they are proud of themselves but I never feel that way so I must be such an annoying fucking inconvenient person :)”.

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So basically after I saw their post I assumed that they were overwhelmed with excitement and absolutely exceeding in life because duh, they literally said they were “so proud” that they did it. It makes sense to think they were happy and moving on with life, right? So then I went to think all those shite things when in reality that was one singular post, not even a video. They could have been having such a hard time beforehand, during it, and for a while afterwards. That’s amazing they are proud and I am proud of them too but I’m sure they felt a lot more than that. So what if we are at different stages anyways? I’ll just need to work on that part and move on. I can’t assume that everything in their life is looking up despite the fact one post may suggest that. It’s ridiculous.

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Double-Edged Sword

To be honest, I don’t know if it’s meant to be a “double-edged knife” but this is what we have for today so get over it. But back to the main topic, let’s talk about how educated guesses can be harmful to both people again in terms of social media because, let’s be honest, it is the root of most problems lol.

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Whenever we think about Kim Kardashian or any celebrity, we think they have it all. They post absolutely amazing photos of all the cool things they are doing or planning to do and, let’s face it, a lot of us, if not all, want to be in the same position where we can have everything we want or need. And we know as a fact that let’s say, the Kardashian’s have everything they desire and live the perfect, ideal life, right? I mean they’ve got the cars and the money and the houses to show it. They would never feel sad or worried about anything and have the best carefree life ever, but you don’t. Why wouldn’t we think this way? I mean we have the evidence to support it.

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But we fail to realise that, like any human, Kim struggles too and doesn’t have the perfect lifestyle that we think she does. We don’t know what happens to get each dollar to her purse or to get each family photo. Have you seen “Keeping up with the Kardashian’s”? Arguments EVERYWHERE! And obviously, they get over it but it’s still draining I’m sure. I’ll try not to put all the focus on the Kardashian’s because this isn’t about them specifically, but what I’m trying to say is that all that money and success doesn’t equal happiness and a perfect life despite the fact that is what we are brought up to think. I can only assume that these celebrities or rich people probably feel like shit and are confused by the fact they don’t feel happy or successful even though they have everything they wish for and people saying they have a perfect life. How confusing and painful must that feel? To feel as though you are ungrateful and weird for not being happy in the life you are living.

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I’m not trying to make this a post about defending rich people and I don’t know why that bit got so deep, but do you see what I mean? Both people on each side of this story have a justified reason for why they feel a certain way but both people are getting it wrong. The people that think celebrities have a perfect life and feel bad for not having one like it are wrong, and the celebrities that feel they are weird for still having problems despite the life they live are also wrong. So in the end both people get hurt.

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We don’t really know how people feel and that’s the bottom line. It all comes back to that. Although you can make an educated guess in a situation and have solid evidence, you are not always right. I thought that the person on my Snapchat had found the solution to something that I would never figure out as well, but that is probably false. We make assumptions about people having perfect lives, yet nobodies life is perfect. I remember a phrase from a youtube video that went something like this, and it may not be 100% correct but it’s a summary

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“One day a man was driving home from work as a Lamborghini sped alongside him. He looked at the man in the fancy car and thought about how much better his life would be if he had that type of money if he could be the man in the fancy car. But in that same moment, the rich man was wondering about which lampost he should wrap his fancy car around”

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That may seem dark but it makes sense. Just because we see one thing, doesn’t mean we know the whole story. And although we may have been taught certain things about success, doesn’t mean they are right. So before you start to beat yourself up about something or make an educated guess about someone’s life and situation, just really think it through in your head. Is that really true?

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So to round it off and summarise this kinda shit show of a post, I just want you to know that putting two and two together doesn’t always leave an accurate result. You need to look at the whole picture and even though you may feel like deep down you are correct, that isn’t always the case. You need to focus on the word “feel” because you may feel like it’s true but you don’t always 100% know. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Personal comedy blog post feature image for Christmas with vine girl who says merry Chrysler

Merry Chrysler!

Merry Christmas guys! I want to keep this post short and sweet because honestly who the fuck wants to read this on Christmas but if you are then I respect you and you a real one. But anyway lol I know this year has been kinda very shite but it’s nearly over and we made… Continue Reading →

Thank Goodness For Growing Up

I’m no Peter Pan, but I never want to grow up. Well, except for these reasons. Maybe it won’t be so bad after all.

Humans Haven’t Evolved For Shit

Humans haven’t evolved for shit, well not in the way I would like. I would warn all the Ross Gellers, or people who actually understand this topic, to beware because this may cost you a few brain cells, but I do want to add I am not a Karen and I do believe in evolution, this is a joke.

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Jennifer Lawerence Is What?

jennifer Lawerence is what? shocked text message with punctuation on side for shocking blog post featured image

Talk about a merry fucking Christmas because I just found out something that has blown me away. It has been released before Christmas but I am only getting around to talking about this now because I wanted to spread out the happiness across this December. So without further ado, let’s talk about what the fuck is happening with Jennifer Lawerence and what I, and most of you, are thinking about it.

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Jennifer Lawerence, THE Jennifer Lawerence, Katniss Everdeen, funniest most down to earth person you will ever meet, is pregnant! No joke. To be honest she kinda gave me favourite auntie vibes, kinda like the auntie who you only see at special holidays who always has a glass of wine and travels around the world so has great stories to tell but is also fucking crazy, in a good way, and would stand up for you in front of your mum. Do you get me? I suppose she can still be that but just with a kid.

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I am not really 100% sure who her husband is but he must be a great fucking guy to deserve her and he better watch his back because her fans are intense and will most likely flatten him with one mistake, no pressure though. I kinda love how he isn’t some big actor person who is always in front of the screen and acting like someone else because that makes it more genuine. I also had no clue that Jennifer Lawerence was even seeing someone and that makes it even better if you ask me. I looked up a few photos for “research” (aka I’m nosey as fuck) and I’ll leave some below, but they look so happy and cute. He is one lucky guy and they gonna have a cute baby.

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I’m not really sure what episode of life I missed to have her being this single woman who loved a wee cocktail and being with her friends, to her being a married woman who loves this guy and has a literal family started. Time flys I guess but fuck me, I’ve missed a bunch. Like you blink and everyone’s got ‘rona, plus the queens on her last leg and now THIS queen is literally married with a baby on the way. Like wow… slow down a little. Let me catch my breath for a second, the fuck.

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I’m happy for her though and I literally respect her so much. I think she will literally be the best mum and they’ll have such an amazing kid. Hopefully, they get a great sense of humour and are just as down to earth as their parents because that’s one of the most admirable features they have. I wish them luck and I do hope she stays in acting for a while because I literally adore her and find her so comforting which sounds really creepy but I mean that she just makes you feel safe… right that sounds fucking weird but you get what I mean.

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Obviously, that is up to her and we are behind her no matter what so yeah, have fun being pregnant and I’m sure we’ll get to see the baby soon enough because celebrities seem to pop them out quicker than Borris Johnson can fuck something else up. Like it is crazy because one second you are recovering from hearing they are gonna have a baby, then the next day they are at their graduation and you get messed up in the head. Oh well.

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I suppose that is it for today guys and I’m sorry it’s a bit late but I’m sure nobody even realised or cared at all so yeah. This was kind of a fun wee post and I’ve had it in my drafts for a bit but I think it’s really interesting how there are celebrities who do keep their lives private and every so often drop a bomb on us and I love that to be honest. Kinda shows they are actual humans too and they have an actual life outside of the TV screen. Who knew she wasn’t actually a blue alien?! Don’t forget to like and subscribe for more and if you are feeling generous then I would really appreciate a small donation to help me keep this going, if not then please leave some feedback (which is free to do) because to be honest, words are priceless and I would love to hear how I’m doing or if you want anything new. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Let’s Discuss It | New Borns

Whenever you grow up and someone says they have a “face only a mother could love”, that person is, one, a bitch, but two, speaking facts because, after the first time she sees her new-born baby, there is no way it can get any worse, so no matter what they look like when they grow… Continue Reading →

the christmas spirit is a curse, christmas, snow, winter, comforting

The Christmas Spirit Is a Curse

Whoever said Christmas is about giving, not receiving is fucking right because bitch do I GIVE! Now I ain’t tryna brag and be like oh my days I’m so unlucky that I have to/can spend money to get stuff for my family, but like I’m just saying that I am acting as though I’ve got… Continue Reading →

2 COVID Tests and a Christmas in Quarantine

12 days ’til Christmas and my true love gave to me, a big fucking mess. I mean what the actual hell. Here I am with a bit of a sore head and a stuffy nose and then I take a wee lateral flow test before I go out to Ju-Jitsu but then the 2nd line… Continue Reading →

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Merry Chrysler!

Personal comedy blog post feature image for Christmas with vine girl who says merry Chrysler

Merry Christmas guys! I want to keep this post short and sweet because honestly who the fuck wants to read this on Christmas but if you are then I respect you and you a real one. But anyway lol I know this year has been kinda very shite but it’s nearly over and we made it through so well done! I also hope you all still have a great Christmas even though I know a lot of us haven’t really felt very Christmasy lately which I don’t really know why and is kind of a shame but like oh well. Hopefully, we’ll fit the vibe check on the day.

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I’m not gonna say all the “it’s about giving not receiving” but like enjoying getting the gifts you deserve and earned. Don’t feel bad because you should be treated like royalty. Obviously, we all need to stay humble and be so grateful for what we get in life but know that as long as you react in the right way and focus on what is important, you can have nice things.

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I also predict that a lot of you will be reading this at the end of the night when you have your annual Christmas cry and I want you to know that it’s ok and you aren’t a weirdo. Christmas most likely went perfectly and for whatever reason, you are crying for at the moment, it will pass and everyone is ok. Usually, for me, it’s kinda like your emotions catch up with you because you are just non-stop all day, or you have hyped it up so much in your head that you are sad that it’s gone and you have to go back to normal life. There is also the fact that you feel as though you may not have been perky all night and you kind of overthink about what you did or said. I have found we all get this crying surge at the end of Christmas and you are just standing there like “ok what the actual fuck is wrong with me? Why am I crying on Christmas?” But honestly, it’s normal and you’ll get through it eventually.

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So I suppose I won’t keep you for much longer, but I hope you have an amazing day doing whatever it is you do on Christmas. Hopefully, it is all pretty much back to normal for you all and you get to enjoy something semi-normal this year. Let yourself enjoy this day and go out and have fun. Also here is a quick reminder for people who get really stressed out about presents and feeling bad because you don’t think you spent as much on them or gave as much as them, just know that they appreciate you so much and anything that shows you thought of them for even 1 second is probably so thrilled no matter what you give them. Don’t be so hard on yourself and I’m expecting to hear how your day went. I hope you have a great Christmas, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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I Needed More Time In The Oven

Before you start calling child protection services, let me just clear something up. No, I am not the gingerbread man and no I am not in some weird family where instead of a naughty step I get the literal oven. What I’m referring to is the lack of basic features that I kinda feel were… Continue Reading →

After 7 Years I’m Not Sure My Pet Is A Dog

I know what you are thinking, “what the fuck does your dog look like”. But it isn’t because of that. She is literally the cutest thing you will ever see, well… apart from at the moment because she just got a haircut that made her hella ugly, but it’s fine it’ll grow back. The thing… Continue Reading →

Shocking Event That United The UK More Than Ever

Now I’m not someone who gets political, not even when it comes to Brexit taking our magic stars, but this phenomenon has to be mentioned. It is absolutely mental how this one thing has united the countries within the UK more than anything else. I feel we have actually joined as a team to create… Continue Reading →

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Thank Goodness For Growing Up

People who have read my blog before (are absolute legends) will know that I really kinda hate growing up not because I want to be a rebellious teen (like I am right now for sure) forever but because I don’t want to be responsible for myself and to work and do adult shit. It seems pretty stressful if you ask me, but I’ll not get too into that because you can read literally any of my other posts to find out. Today I want to switch it up a bit by telling you, and you can guess from the title, why it is good to grow up. Btw I’m literally still a teen so I don’t know why I’m acting so wise, I just want to talk about some of the things I believed as a kid that I’m glad I now know. And yeah I was very gullible so don’t judge me, I swear I’ve changed my ways.

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First things first, I didn’t understand what it meant to be colourblind. So as a quick background check I need to say that my Dad is colour blind and… well that’s it. OH and I’m an idiot. So now you are all caught up let’s get back into the story. I think I was still in primary school, maybe I was 8, and I was very inquisitive, well at least on that day I was, and I randomly asked my dad what colours he was colour blind with (I don’t know if that is how you would say that but you get the point) and he was like “red and pink” and it might also be green but I’m not sure. Anyways, it was definitely red. So I sat back and was like “huh, pretty weird”, and being the bright child I was I looked at the red car in front of us and asked “so can you only see a floating number plate in front of us?” NO JOKE I SAID THAT and my dad being a dad he deadass said “yup” but then he started to laugh so I caught on but how fucking dumb am I! He should have just dropped me off at the side of the road and drove away because there must have been something wrong with me.

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This next story also links back to my dad which kind of gives me rust issues because this man raised me to be one big joke. And he succeeded in that I suppose. This story starts in LA and I was probably 10 or a bit older. We went to get a wee drink for a cute boba place that was supposed to be good. I never had it before and didn’t get one because I was a bit sceptical. Why? I’ll tell you why. Because when I asked my dad what boba was he tells me that it is frogspawn. Yup, he told me that boba is literal frog spawn and from the point forward I was kind of traumatized. I now know that it is not true but I have yet to try it. I haven’t had boba despite the fact I know he was lying because that will always be in the back of my head and I don’t think I could cope with that. So while this is mostly from my dad, I think my immaturity made me more gulable. Thanks, dad :/

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I have one last story that also links to things my dad made me believe and then I’m not gonna attack him for the rest of this post, but tbh this is on him. There is this photo of my mum and dad that they keep in their room which is them at a restaurant and I asked my dad where it was from. He told me it was from their honeymoon and I was like “cute” and moved on with my day. Then I think it was a few days later and I had been thinking about it, and with my absolutely wonderful imagination I came up with so many things that a honeymoon could be. So I asked my dad “is a honeymoon on an actual moon?” because that obviously makes a whole tonne of sense, and my dad said “yes”. But then I was like “well why does it say honey in the name?” and I kinda forget what he said but I’m sure it was something stupid. I just say that I did believe it for a while. Not years or anything but like for a week or two until I asked my mum and she told me the truth. I 100% believed my dad and I just thought that was where you went after you got married. To the literal honeymoon. I was very excited to go there one day when I was younger.

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Another reason I’m glad to have moved on with life is the eyebrows. I could leave it there but I don’t want you to think I’m THAT self-centred blonde bitch who has nothing else to think about except makeup. I just want you to know that I was a whole different person when I had no eyebrows and I see a glimpse of said person every time I wake up. Thank god for needing glasses though am I right, so at least I can’t really see myself when I get up in the morning, at least not well. I know that I mention my love for eyebrows a lot (literally to the point this could become a beauty blog) but being able to date pictures and videos as BE (before eyebrows) and AE (after eyebrows) is not as fun as it seems. I wish I could be blessed with flawless eyebrows as soon as I wake up, but life isn’t fair sometimes.

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Oh, and lastly before I leave, I’m glad I have matured and kinda become a new person (aka traumatized by life) because from 10BE to 1AE I was a deranged little shit. I was very crazy and outgoing and overly confident in some situations. I was acting like someone else to impress a boy and that isn’t even half of it. I was respectable and stuff, like I wasn’t rude, but I was pretending in order for some guy to like me. But now, in 5AE, I am single and socially awkward, mentally ill and tired of this shit…

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Ok so maybe I don’t want to grow up. Maybe it’s overrated. Nah, I’m just joking, it’ll get better and it’ll work out in the end. Life is fucking crazy with, you know, the whole pandemic but it will go away eventually, I think (update: I am also now out of my 10 day quarantine yay!). If you liked this post then don’t forget to follow, like and comment on what you think about growing up. What do you like about it? What do you hate? Spill the tea because I love to hear it. It would also be great if you could leave a review because I want to know if I’m on the right path with my content and it would mean a lot to me. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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which sense of humour do you have

Which Sense of Humour Do You Have?

I think that to start this post we need to figure out what the word “humour” really means. I’m no Oxford dictionary but in my opinion, it is the things we find funny and that we enjoy making/hearing jokes about. Nothing fancy just a basic bitch definition. I guess now that is out of the… Continue Reading →

christmas controversy

The Century-Long Christmas Controversy

Merry Christmas to everyone!… except those who say happy Christmas. You can go to hell. I don’t really know what it is that possesses people to say “happy” Christmas but I don’t want it. Like it makes me shrivel up and die inside. I can actually hear the elves and Santa cry from the north… Continue Reading →

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2 COVID Tests and a Christmas in Quarantine

12 days ’til Christmas and my true love gave to me, a big fucking mess. I mean what the actual hell. Here I am with a bit of a sore head and a stuffy nose and then I take a wee lateral flow test before I go out to Ju-Jitsu but then the 2nd line pops up faster than Borris Johnson can answer a simple question. And I just looked at it like “oh shit” (the test that is, not Borris) and I was praying that it would just be the one line at the T so that means that it was just a faulty test so I waited and eventually the line came up next to the C and then I really panicked. I have never seen the T line come up so much quicker than the C line. What a fucking joke because I was second guess what I was actually looking at. But no that bitch was setting up camp and was not gonna leave any time soon. So I took another one and the exact same thing happened. The lines were not playing today.

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The covid must have been bouncing off the fucking walls because it came up positive so fast. I was kind of planning to get positive school results but the fucking coronavirus… that’s just unnecessary. And to be honest I had never really been nervous about it before but when I got the positive result I was so scared. Not for me to be honest like I’ll get over it but just for literally ruining Christmas. I will get out of quarantine before then but we just had so many plans with family and stuff and now I am making everyone miss it. How crap is that?! If it was any other time of year, apart from summer, it would be fine but of course, it never is.

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I do sound like an ungrateful bitch because this is probably not even half as bad as it could be and I do realise that I am very lucky but I’m the first in the family that we know of so it’s just a bit scary you know and I feel bad too. I thought that being the unsocial human being I am that I would be fine, but no. So like where the fuck did I get it from? I don’t even know. I only went to school and I went babysitting for one day but the kid was asleep so I wasn’t near him and his mum was away/not near me when I was at their house. I was also at my close friend’s house on Sunday but they are all negative and I’m guessing I had it then, but like that’s lucky if none of them gets it. Here is me literally like “hOw DiD I GeT cOvId? I dIdN’t EvEn Go OuT” but then continues to list the busiest week I have had this year. That is sad for me to admit but that just shows I was never really out and about with people before.

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I have just gotten a PCR test this morning so these will have the official results and hopefully will tell me what strand it is. I don’t know why I’m so dumb, but I’m still thinking there is a chance it comes back negative. THANK FUCK if it is but literally I took 2 lateral flows and they both came back positive within seconds. I just don’t want it anymore. I want to go back for the last week of school!! I mean put me on camera and call me annaxsitar because I don’t want it.

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So yeah, I don’t really know what to do anymore and I guess I’ll keep you updated on the results but it just feels so weird how I am gonna be part of the statistics now. I have never got it or been friends with someone who got it before so it’s really different and I just wish this was just a really bad dream and that I would wake up and be like “thank fuck” because I just regret everything. I don’t even know what to regret though because I don’t know where I got it. So I guess make sure that you take regular tests and be safe. I mean I’ll be fine but just think about the others who aren’t gonna be as lucky if they get it.

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I hope you enjoy this post and please do comment below if you or anyone you know has/had covid because I’m sure there are a lot but I’m not really sure what to do at the moment. I’m lucky that I’m young and healthy so please don’t think I am being ungrateful and attention-seeking, it’s just a bit confusing at the moment but thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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These Brands Are Getting Way Out Of Hand

Up until last month, I used to think that Corona was the worst thing that happened to us but fuck me this is 10 times worse. I mean I know the pandemic was tough but this has ruined my whole entire life and all of my memories. It makes me physically ill to talk about… Continue Reading →

Selfishness is Comforting

I know, I know, this sounds so bloody stupid but I swear that by the end of this post you will completely agree. Selfishness is comforting when you look at it in a particular way. And I’m almost certain that if you are someone who has hit rock bottom and ended up looking at motivational… Continue Reading →

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After 7 Years I’m Not Sure My Pet Is A Dog

I know what you are thinking, “what the fuck does your dog look like”. But it isn’t because of that. She is literally the cutest thing you will ever see, well… apart from at the moment because she just got a haircut that made her hella ugly, but it’s fine it’ll grow back. The thing is that she literally has the personality of everything BUT a dog. Like she is just so confusing in terms of literally every part of her and we love it and wouldn’t change her for the world but I also kinda feel like we picked up the wrong pet. I don’t know what happened but this bitch does not match the product description. I’ll keep her but like what? Anyways, I am sure you are all very confused by what I am talking about so I’m just gonna get into it. Don’t forget to comment down below what you think is wrong with my ‘dog’ or if your dog is just as weird.

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Cow

I ain’t tryna be rude or anything but this bitch is just a small cow. I’ll let her outside and one second later she’ll be tearing up the grass like it’s a fucking dance floor. It’s scary to be honest because she is so tiny but the amount of energy and movement and creepy noises that she lets out is honestly demonic, which funnily enough is one of her other personalities I’m going to mention later. It does be kinda funny though because my dad gets so pissed. He’ll have just perfectly cut every blade of grass separately so they are the exact same height and this hoe will fly out and eat that shit like popcorn, so before you know it there are just patches in our garden and in the corner there is just this tiny dog with green grass stains on her beard (she is a miniature schnauzer btw).

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It is quite the sight I must admit and I suppose it’s a talent. Like no joke I think she has worked out that it can help her to stop and turn whenever she is going really fast. No joke she will run like a mad thing and then if she wants to pull a wee sneaky turn, she’ll munch the grass so that her body will swing around and she can turn without having to stop or slow down. It’s so funny and I can’t even describe it which frustrates me, but just imagine this dog is running at full speed and just full-on head buts the ground and goes spinning into a completely different direction and then just runs into the night. It is honestly confusing. She seems to like it too. Sometimes if we are just standing around and she gets a bit bored she will deadass just sit on the grass and nibble on it like it’s a fucking chicken wing.

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Deer

To be fair, this part of her is so cute and actually makes me die inside with the amount of joy I feel. So anyway, there used to be this field near our house that we called ‘the long grass field’ (wow how original, how thought-provoking) and we loved to go there because my dog would just run around and would have to leap everywhere just so she could see where she was going. Literally, sometimes we would be like “oh shit where did she go” and then we would have to wait until she leapt up again. And let me tell you, that bitch can jump. Not just like on her back legs but she does it straight from standing so she is just like a fucking deer that is prancing around and shit. It’s so funny because you can just tell she is an absolutely loving life. I wonder what that feels like :/

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Cat

Not only do I see her in this way as she is a scaredy-cat, but also because she can be such a bitch sometimes. She can give one hell of a side-eye and make you get flashbacks from high school when these bitches would be slabbering (which I suppose is my present lol) but it is literally so funny because you could just be sitting there and you would breathe weirdly and you can just feel the judgement radiating off her. Like what the fuck did I do to you? The level of disrespect is astronomical. She just sits there and judges you as if she didn’t just literally lick her ass in the middle of the living room. She has got some nerve.

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She is also slinky as fuck at some points. Usually whenever she is lying down and comfy, or like she’s just in a mood where she can’t be arsed to do anything. So you just try to pick her up and she won’t try to stop you but she won’t try to help you either. Like you know when you try to pick up a cat and it just seems like they are just stretching because you can lift up their belly as much as you want but they are still gonna have 4 paws on the ground. You could be flinging that bitch around but no matter what they still gonna be standing. Well, that is basically my dog and, to be honest, it’s a vibe.

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Statue

This pretty much just goes against everything I said in my last post, but as we are establishing in this post, she can shapeshift real quick. One moment she is a liquid, the next she’s a bloody ancient statue. It is so weird though because for such a small dog she has so much strength. Like I just know she got some abs or some shit. I swear I’ll come downstairs someday and she’ll be on the weights and singing “it’s about drive it’s about power, we stay hungry we devour. Put in the work, put in the hours and take what’s ours”. Literally no joke.

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Honestly, I think the perfect way to describe my dog is oobleck. Like I just realised that and honestly, it is the only way to fully understand what she is like. If you are just tryna pick her up gently, she’ll just turn to liquid, but if you fucking PUNCH HER IN THE FA… Nah, I’m just joking lol. But if you are walking her on the leash and she just stops, you better know that you’ll be wiped out like a cillet bang commercial “bang and the dirt is gone”. Genuinely it confuses me because she will not move at all. I get scared that someday she will genuinely break her neck because I never really walk that fast but the level of force she gives off when she just stops out of nowhere could literally break the leash.

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She also gets like that when you put a coat on her or literally any sort of clothing that isn’t her collar. That kinda is sad though because she would look hella cute if she wore a Halloween costume or a little raincoat. Like it is just too adorable, but then when you do she’ll do the side-eye glare and literally stand in that one spot until you take it off her. No joke, one time I put her towel over her and then left the room and then my mum said when she came down an hour or so after, she was still standing in the same spot with the towel over her. That’s stubborn as fuck but I respect that.

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Person

I don’t really know how to explain this very well because it is more of an energy that she gives off. Like you just look at her and how she moves and interacts and she is just a human. She likes to sit up with us at the dinner table (although my dad will never allow her cheeky fuck) and although this is basic for all dogs, when you say her name and start talking to her she will keep looking at you as though she is understanding what we say. Don’t get me wrong there is literally nothing going on behind those eyes, but it’s the thought that counts I guess.

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She also loves to be around people and I know that is just a basic thing for dogs, but it isn’t always for the attention. Don’t get me wrong she is a bit of an attention seeker but after a while, she will just sit down somewhere, usually on the armchair, and just be another person who is listening to all the convos going on. To be honest, though all these examples are a bit of a stretch, but I can’t really think of a way to show you what I mean. She just has so much emotion that you are kinda like “you were a whole ass human in another life”. If she barks and you ignore her, you better know damn well that she’ll jump up next to you and full-on smack you in the face. That isn’t even a joke though. Like it is good that I wear glasses because that bitch comes out of nowhere and just fly kicks you in the face. It’s cute though I guess.

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Demon

Kind of adding onto the last thing I said, she can be rude as fuck. She will get what she wants and she will do whatever it takes to get it. It is cute at the start but then you are just like “would you literally stop hitting me with your sharp ass nails bitch”. She also gives demon vibes whenever she gets really energetic and gets the zoomies or whatever the fuck that is called. You know when they just go mental and run around everywhere and bark at nothing? Yeah well, that’s it. But you can see it build up. She kinda leans back and goes really close to the floor and her ears are literally plastered t the back of her head. Then her eyes got really wide and her mouth slowly opens and then she just goes ballistic.

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It’s so funny though because I’ll be walking and then all of a sudden this happens and she is basically spinning around as though she’s about to fucking take off. And sometimes she just can’t stop herself because she is so fast and then literally runs right into a wall or a fence and she’ll get humbled real quick. I just laugh, to be honest, but then she gets started again. And it’s embarrassing when people walk by and you’re trying to convince them that you aren’t stealing this dog and they are in fact a good girl. She is a cutie though and she would never hurt a fly, or rather she could never hurt a fly. That bitch small as fuck.

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Elephant

I compare my dog to an elephant not only because she has massive ears and is literally so cute, but also because her nose is fucking powerful. Not even joking, there was this one time that I went to pick her up from her wee doggy daycare thing and when I got there I knocked and was waiting for someone to answer and I heard something really weird. I genuinely got scared for a moment because I thought there was a hurricane or some shit starting up. Genuinely it went on for like a minute and my heart was beating but then it stopped and I looked in the door and it was my fucking dog. She deadass was sniffing the hell out of the door. I nearly started pissing myself because I had never heard anything like it. She was tryna smell if it was me but she nearly sucked me in at the strength she was sniffing at. You look at her and think she is the most harmless thing ever but the things that come out of that wee body is frightening.

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Soap

This one is completely different to all the other things but if I’m gonna be honest with you, this is hands down the most accurate. Tell me why Miss girl turns into fucking Bambi whenever she walks on anything that isn’t carpet? Like that isn’t a joke. It’s as though bloody Frozone swooped in just when she goes to walk. And she genuinely is scared though and it’s so stupid because she will put herself into an awkward situation. She will deadass jump out of her bed and walk into the kitchen, which has tiled floors, then the next second she’s barking like she’s got a problem with us. But tell me why she can waddle into the kitchen just fine, but when it’s time to head back, she ain’t never walked before. Like, make it make sense bitch!

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I do have to admit that when she walks she can literally wipe herself onto the ground. I have expected a referee to come out and confirm a knockout because she hits the floor like a brick. Other times she just runs like a cartoon where she is moving her legs so fast but doesn’t get anywhere. It’s so funny because you can see she is trying to be so careful but then all of a sudden she just blasts off but literally doesn’t go anywhere for a solid 5 seconds. It is so funny. But do you want to hear her solution? Walking backwards. That isn’t even a joke. Hands down that are what she does. She will turn her ass around and back it up like a fucking truck. But it works so I guess that’s fair enough.

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Anyways, I kinda feel bad about slabbering about my dog for a hot minute but it’s all the truth, to be honest. Maybe that’s why she glares at me… oh well. Please comment down below if your dog does any of these things and if you are a professional please tell me what the hell is up with her. Whether or not she is a dog I don’t care because she is still the cutest thing you’ll ever see and I’d fight you on it. Don’t forget to like and subscribe for more. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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A Hole I’ve Dug Way Too Deep

You know those situations that keep you up at night? Not the stuff that happened in the past, but the holes you have dug yourself that make your life a living hell. The moments that you wish you could wake up from. Yeah well, I am in one again and I’m terrified. I feel like… Continue Reading →

Are We Born Hypocrites?

This is quite literally an actual question because lately, I have been talking to a lot of people who go back on themselves and completely make themselves look like an idiot. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments where I’ve been unfair by telling people they can’t do something and then I go do… Continue Reading →

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Which Sense of Humour Do You Have?

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I think that to start this post we need to figure out what the word “humour” really means. I’m no Oxford dictionary but in my opinion, it is the things we find funny and that we enjoy making/hearing jokes about. Nothing fancy just a basic bitch definition. I guess now that is out of the way, we can start to get into it. I will also mention some of the ones that I would fit myself into which I suppose is multiple but we can all relate at some points. Don’t forget to tell us in the comment section what sense of humour you have.

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Dark Humour

We are all familiar with what dark humour is, but for all the idio- people out there I will explain. It’s basically when you find things that are supposed to be serious, and are quite morbid, to be funny. It can also be quite smart and well thought through despite the fact it was off the cuff and that makes it a bit worrying because you may find it funny but you also like “oh shit is this person ok” or “oh shit is this person going to kill me”. But at that point, it is a judgement call and in my experience, it’s just a coping mechanism.

I will now give you all a few examples which I actually am scared might offend someone in some way. Not as in they are gonna be offensive but like I don’t want people to be like “that was really disrespectful” or some shit. But THAT IS DARK HUMOUR and you better get over yourself bitch!

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  • Where did sally go when the bomb went off?
    everywhere.
  • This is just a general statement, but like if someone were to hurt themselves then someone with a dark sense of humour would laugh. Like it do be funny though. Kids be falling and tripping for no god damn reason
  • This example isn’t a phrase either but it’s from a video and literally makes me piss myself because it’s so funny but there is this video of this blind girl who is talking with this news presenter and they are talking about everything the girl has achieved in her life and the presenter goes “is there anything you can’t do” just because she is so amazing and the girl dead ass says “see”
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Sarcastic Humour

This humour is my cuppa tea but it’s also a wee bit risky if I say so myself. Like you gotta be careful who you say this too. It can sometimes come with a little bit of truth and may actually expose yourself a wee bit too but the added risk is fun I suppose. But what is it? It’s basically just saying something but not really meaning it. I guess you know what sarcasm is and it’s basically that but making it. It’s an art form, to be honest (that was kind of an example of sarcasm but like it’s also hard to get across in text so it takes a bit of expression and tone as well. Don’t ask me why I am developing this shit so much). This is my go-to when it comes to joking with friends and to be honest it makes up my whole personality trait to the point that it isn’t humour anymore, it’s just down-right sad.

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Yeah but enough of that I suppose. Let’s get into a few wee examples. To be honest, they make up the majority of my posts because I just find everything a joke, for example, my life, and this can also slot into another sense of humour that I mention later. These are also kinda one-liners and a bit situational so like you kinda had to be there so like if you don’t find them funny please don’t attack me because I will in fact cry 🙂

two spidermen pointing meme
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  • Friend “can you help me with something”
    Me “no…”
    *stare at each other awkwardly like the 2 spidermen guys*
  • Me “do you know what I literally so much?”
    Friend “what?”
    Me “you”
    *stare at each other awkwardly like the 2 spidermen guys* again

I’m so fucking lucky my friends get my humour or else I’d literally have nobody in my life right now lol. Like I sound like such a bitch but I swear it is all in good taste

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Actual Humour

To be fair, what is actual humour? Like I guess it’s the classics like knock-knock jokes (despite the fact they’re shite) but like people might not find that humour. Well, I actually don’t really give a fuck and don’t want to talk about that so let’s get into it. This is the basic bitch, default setup, awkward laugh combo platter and if this is your main sense of humour you are either lying or a granny who has been desensitised by the crap jokes they put on the kids shows you are basically forced to watch all day.

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So I guess I’ll give a few but you already know what they are gonna be basically. You don’t have to be a genius to know these and it takes literally one brain cell to understand
– knock knock
who’s there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting cow wh-
MOOOOOOOO
– Knock knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
Well, there is no need to cry about it!

It’s literally so obnoxious ad stupid. It’s literally so unfunny and painful to listen to that you have nothing else to do by laughing. It is just pain

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Self-Depricating Humour

Watch out for these people because behind every self-deprecating joke is some truth. Like you can laugh but also keep an eye out for them lol. I do admit this is another go-to for me and is always easy to do when you hate yourself 😮 (Pulled a wee sneaky one on you). Sadly enough though a lot of people find it funny and use it often. Like we all laugh at something and make the same joke but then all just look around awkwardly like “we really are fucked up aren’t we”. It’s a bonding experience though, also a coping mechanism, but bonding nonetheless. It’s so simple too like it’s sad that we can literally make anything into a self-deprecating joke.

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So now for examples, but I feel like I should also address those bitches who use it for attention. Like they will just out of the blue be like “uh I’m so ugly today lol” and then act sad until someone says “awk no you’re beautiful”. NO! I literally hate that and there is a pretty fucking obvious difference so don’t even try to get yourself out of it if you do that sometimes.

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  • *in some random video an ogre walks down the street (not Shrek though, obviously he’s a babe)*
    Me “ok but who took that video of me?”
  • This next example is literally me the other day and I’m kinda mad about the actual situation but it was a pretty good self-deprecating joke:
    *me literally gets hit in the head by a bottle the idiots in our school are throwing*
    Me – what the actual fuck! Concussed question mark? (yes I say question mark)
    * me also goes on to tell people about how I’ve literally had so many head injuries in my lifetime*
    Me – maybe that’s why I’ve got a big ass forehead?!
  • Me – *does one thing wrong*
    also me – I literally hate myself so much

Sometimes you just gotta take one for the team, ya know? Sacrifice your life for Pakistan GRAPE!

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Teacher Humour

This is an exclusive package that you actually get when you become a teacher. Like that bitch is limited edition and we all gotta respect that as soon as we go into their classroom. Surely they are aware that they can’t make a joke like I can’t make sense of their class. Surely they know that we aren’t over here pissing ourselves and barely being able to breathe because their joke was funny. We just tryna get outta doing work/don’t want to get shouted at. Like I barely heard what you said but if I see the slightest smirk on your face I’m gonna laugh like you just turned into fucking Kevin Hart. You better know I’ll be rolling on the floor.

teacher jokes smh : dankmemes

But seriously though, teachers laugh at everything and joke about everything so we out here getting abs with all the fake laughing we gotta do. Just look at some of these examples:

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  • In my chemistry class my teacher was telling us how to remember the difference between Cations and anions and to be fair they were pretty helpful tips but she thought she was absolutely hilarious. She was like “cations has cat in it and cats are paw-sitive lol, and then anions are like onions and they make you cry, so they are negative” and we just looking at her like ha yeah.
  • Just any time they mention anything about how they would leave their job if not for something else. Like you are literally kind of a bit hurt because they be like “I wish I could just run away and live on a beach where I would never have to work here again haha” or “I would love to do *some other job* but I guess i’m just here lol”. Like damn what the fuck. So we just gotta laugh here to bring the mood back up. Like god damn just teach us some maths so we can get the fuck out of here.

They always gotta do the demonic laugh as well where they like chuckle but like you can see in their eyes that they are crying out for help and literally hate everything. They have good intentions though and for me, it’s usually just a pity laugh.

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Anti-Joke Humour

This is quite similar to sarcastic humour but, if you are an expert like me, you will know the difference. Basically, the difference is that sarcastic humour is kinda more chillaxed and off the cuff, but with anti-joke humour, it’s probably more planned out and thought about. It might have a bit of a delayed laugh as well because obviously, you are expecting a joke but then it’s pretty much just a fact. Oh and yeah that reminds me, an anti-joke is basically setting something up as you would a joke and then the punchline is just matter-of-fact. I’ll give examples obviously but that’s what it is. And if I’m gonna be honest with you, the people who have this as the humour they come up with a lot are probably going through some shit. Like I find it funny and a lot of others do but can never really come up with one and say it in the right way unless I’m in one of my “low patches”. No attack on anyone by the way. I suppose another form of anti-joke is just one that wasn’t intended to be funny but then the way you said it or the way you timed it was just perfect and I respect that tbh.

I’m gonna go into examples now obviously, I mean why do I find the need to say that every fucking time I’m pretty sure that you have got that already. But yeah the first one that I am gonna say is something kinda shocking and I only found out about it a few days ago and it kinda fucked my mind a wee bit.

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  • Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
  • What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half a cat
  • What’s white and can’t climb a tree? A fridge

Like they are so fucking stupid and like so fucking random but I don’t know why that literally cracks me up. I think it’s just so funny because it literally isn’t funny whatsoever and you kinda just end up looking at the other person in the eyes as you both question how your life led up to this one moment.

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“Too Far” Humour

This humour actually bugs me and I feel as though it can also be called “that one popular kid who sits in the back of the class and try to make everyone laugh but really he is a dick and people are just scared of him/want to impress him” humour but that’s a wee bit too long. What I find hilarious about it though is whenever you grow up and so does everyone else but they are the same idiot they were 4 years ago so now when they make a joke literally nobody gives a shit and just looks at them in disgust and you feel embarrassed for them. There is a group of people in my school like that and I just don’t think they’ve got rid of that god-complex yet and they haven’t accepted the fact that literally, nobody likes them lol. But back to talking about the “too far” humour. This is basically where they make jokes about things that aren’t meant to be joked about. Not like dark humour where it is still innocent and doesn’t hurt anyone, but when they joke about stuff that is literally offensive and disrespectful.

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  • Me – *plays football/breathes*
    idiot man – ShOuLdN’t YoU bE iN tHe KiTcHeN?! ahahahah Go MaKe Me A sAnDwIcH
    (this applies to literally any ‘joke’ like that)
  • Just joking around with your friends and then they go too far and talk about something actually personal to you and is a sensitive topic. Like I have heard guys in the back of our class talking and then they would be like “well at least I know my dad” or sometimes they would be straight up racist. Like maybe that’s a ‘guy thing’ but still that sounds fucked up.

These are the kinda jokes that make other generations think we are snowflakes but literally we are just respectful and more of an understanding person. Like they say it isn’t that deep but it kinda is. Just because it might not have offended anyone in this room, doesn’t mean it isn’t offensive.

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Gas-Lighting Humour

I actually had one of my friends tell me a story the other day about how she was literally gas-lighted by her parents, but like in a funny innocent way, and it really just cracked me up tbh. Obviously, in some cases, it isn’t funny but just whenever someone is so gullible that they fall for shit so easily makes me actually die. I’m quite a gullible bitch myself and I have another friend who is as well and the fact it is so easy to trick them is just priceless. They never learn and you kinda make fun of them after which is the gas-lighting part but ah well lol. Do I feel like a shitty person afterwards? Yup. Do I do it to everyone? Fuck no. Do I use too many rhetorical questions? Hell yeah.

Before I give these examples I just want to say that they may sound like the dumbest shite ever but it was just an “at the moment” type thing so don’t even be judging me.

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  • So the story with my friend and her parents was that she was asking to go to a party and they were like “fine but you will have to take a breathalizer when you get home”. They had like police friends and all that shit so he had easy access. So she was like “fine” and then went to the party. She was proper raging and to be fair she did still drink and was willing to face the consequences when they came. So she got back home and her parents were like “right then, how much did you drink” and she was like “I only had 2 cups” and they were like “ok, bye”. She was proper fuming like what the hell was happening. They just let her go yet she was freaking out about it for ages and trying to figure out how to trick the system or some shit and tgen they just started laughing at her because they couldn’t believe she actually believed it. Like her whole family were pissing themselves because she thought she was actually about to be breathalized. Kinda funny I must admit
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  • This next story is one where I was the person being laughed at and my sister literally brings it up every fucking second of the day even 6 years after it happened. So we had juts got a puppy (a miniature schnauzer to be exact) and we loved that hoe. We were already wanting to get another and my mum who had not even liked dogs that much (what a fucking weirdo) actually loved our dog. So then one day when I was going home from some sort of club type thing, my older sister was really excited and she was like “we got another puppy!” and I was like “actually fuck off do you really expect me to believe that” and she kept going on about the fact it was the truth. That bitch deserved an oscar because I started to believe her. I knew in the back of my head that it was obviously a lie but I wanted it to be true so bad that I believed it. Then we got home and was like I’m catch this hoe red handed. There is definitely no fucking dog in this house. Then she ran outside to our dog’s bit of the garden and then came back with this minature schnauzer in her hands and it was really small so I went up to see it. Tell me why this bitch was holding a fucking statue? I really started to pet a fucking piece of clay. She really did me dirty there.
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Intricate Humour

I can never really get this type of humour down but I find it really funny whenever it fails and works. Intricate humour is when someone makes a joke and it is kind of factual, or it just has so many layers to it. Like your friend might be building it up like a fucking house and then they drop the wrecking ball and, if timed right, it is hilarious. Sometimes you kinda zone out and wake up once they are laughing at their own joke, but if you manage to listen, it is usually actually good. Another type of intricate joke is one that takes you a second to think about, but like not to the point where it is just dumb and you do a pity laugh. I never really have the brains or the effort to do that shit but sometimes it comes easy to you and you can’t miss that opportunity. There might have been something you and your friend heard or witnessed one week and then one or two weeks later you bring that into the joke it just makes it fucking hilarious.

It always makes me do that silent laugh aka my favourite type of laugh. I swear there have been times where I have been silent laughing for so long that I actually got really scared because I physically could not breathe.

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  • There was this one that I remember so vividly from my first year in high school and I was in my geography class. I sat at the back next to this guy and his friend sat in front of me so they would always be talking about the most random shit. I would usually zone out but there was a faze where they just insulsted each other in the weirdest ways. I am pretty sure they actually didn’t like each other lol. Anyways, one of the insults I heard was one of the most stupid and most unfunny thing ever but literally cracks me up. He says “I hope you turn into a fish and swim backwards” and as if that wasn’t bad enough, he goes on to explain why that’s a bad thing. Btw it’s because the water will go into their gills and like kil them or some shit like that. I just remember how I was so disappointed in that joke and everything about it that I found it hilarious.

Tbh I don’t really have any other examples because they are usually more inside jokes and like you had to be in a certain situation to get them and actually find them funny, but if you guys have any examples please do comment them down below.

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Insomniac Humour

We can’t deny that we all have this type of humour. I suppose it kinda fits under all of these other types of humour, but to be more specific it is the jokes you make that flop really bad or you instantly regret and for the rest of your life you will be reminded of it every single time you try to sleep. I suppose it also includes stuff that you just find embarrassing but people still make fun of you for. Some may call that bullying but just don’t be like that lol. That shit stings though and literally catches you so off guard that it really isn’t necessary. It is literally painful and to be fair my whole life is one big insomniac joke. Like I just replay that shit in my head from the day I was birthed to that very moment. Like it really just is not necessary and I know that nobody remembers that it happened but I know that it did and it was not ok.

And just as soon as you either forget about it or convince yourself that nobody even remembers it somebody gotta ruin the mood and bring it up again so you are never able to get over that trauma. But now to bring it up again myself… I’m gonna have to talk to my therapist about this aren’t I?

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  • I hopped that this information would get locked up somewhere for the rest of my life, but since none of you really know who I am I guess I’ll just relate it to, oh I don’t know, THE WHOLE FUCKING INTERNET. So anyways, I used to go to ballet. Yup, I was a little ballet bitch. But that didn’t work out for me andy you will find out why. I was quite young when this happened. Maybe 5 or 6? But me and the rest of the class had just been misbehaving or like wasting too much time so our teacher was getting pissed off. The thing was I desperatily needed the toilet, but seeing her anger and being the anxious little girl I was, I just stayed quiet. I was like nope, not today bitch. So I just held it. That was, of course, until I couldn’t. Yep, you guessed it, I pissed myself in front of my whole entire class and I actually hate myself. And then my teacher was like “why didn’t you just ask to go”. Girl, you know why! Now clean up my piss. My twin still bullies me to this day.
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  • My first year of high school I was ready to be a whole new person. I was ready to be everyones friend and just the best person ever. So any opportunity I found to get out there I would take. Well there was only one time and I never tried again, but you’ll understand why. So I tried to run for the class president (1st downfall) or whatever the fuck it’s called and that meant I had to go up to the front of the class and tell everyone why they should vote for me. I had a whole plan in my head, no script or prep at all, but I had a goal. So I went up to the front of the class thinking I was gonna be the class clown and everyone would want to be my friend. Mind blank. Complete fucking mind blank. But I remembered one thing after blabbering about the dumbest shit ever and it was something that I thought was really good. Then I say it. Deadass it was the dumbest shit that has ever come out of my mouth. I hate myself so much for it and I swear that was the source of my social anxiety. From that moment onwards I would no longer communicate with anyone outside of my small bubble (aka my family). It is obvious to say I didn’t not get class president.
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Inuendo Humour

For those that doesn’t know, inuendo is basically when one thing sounds or means the same thing as another thing, but like somebody intends the play on words for comedic use. I always find this hilarious especially whenever it wasn’t intended and when the person who said it doesn’t even realise that makes it even more hilarious. I have one friend who is either too mature or we are just immature so she tends to say a lot of things that sound like something else. Usually quite inappropriate stuff but it is so funny because it’s just unexpected and you can tell they didn’t mean it to sound like it did. It’s also the look on the persons face whenever they have possessed it in their head and the look of disappointment is just so funny. To be fair I have never really heard of a person whose go to jokes were inuendos unless it’s some sort of creepy old guy wth a beer belly. Sorry if that is your sense of humour but that’s just been my experience. I also feel like if it was intended then it isn’t funny because they just try too hard but that’s honestly true with all jokes kind of

I’m gonna try and give a few examples but at the moment I can only think of inappropriate ones and Im not sure what type of demographic I’m working with here but to be fair if they are still reading y this point it is a wee bit late. I think I’ll just try to find ones that are more of just a pun

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36 Punny Memes Full Of Innuendo in 2021 | Bad jokes, Funny ...
36 Punny Memes Full Of Innuendo | Really funny memes ...
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Dad Jokes

I had to break the rhythm of the titles because I just couldn’t bring myself to call it dad humour. I guess I could have called it desperate humour but I’ll not be rude. Honestly though is there much I can say about this? It’s just a classic bad joke with like the worst timing. To be honest there is never a good time for a dad joke. They just make me laugh so much because it’s clever but also so unnecessary. It’s seeing your dads face afterwards as well because they are so proud of themselves and you feel bad for not laughing so you just laugh disappointedly. I have to admit though that whenever I come up with one myself I am really proud of myself. Like I don’t know why it’s just so rewarding cause it isn’t always easy. It’s really just an at the moment type situation.

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  • Some people have trouble sleeping… but I can do it with my eyes closed
  • Yesterday I was washing the car with my son. He said “dad can’t you just use a sponge?”
  • Did you know Bruce lee has a faster older brother? Sudden Lee
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Let’s Discuss It | Parenting

It’s a bit ironic to have a literal kid (who has no kids) talking about parenting, but like I was just on a walk and it was kind of an existential kind of day and I was just thinking about how fucked up that shit is and how scary that must bloody be. Like it… Continue Reading →

I Have No Concept of Time At All

This is no joke guys. I have run into many awkward encounters because I have lost all concept of time. You know, I would have thought this was normal if we were in the middle of our first lockdown, but that ship sailed ages ago and I am back to a strict schedule and yet… Continue Reading →

Disney’s Deep Message Behind ‘The Little Mermaid’

I think we all gotta learn from Arial’s mistakes. No, not ‘don’t brush your hair with a fork’ but something else a lot deeper (pun not intended) that all the ladies out there gotta hear about. Btw this is in no way me tryna be a Karen and ‘cancel’ Disney, it’s just a good example… Continue Reading →

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10 Top Tips To Stay Warm In Winter That Actually Work

If your dad is like mine in any way at all, they refuse to put the heating on, or at least not high enough to actually feel the effects. So I am nowhere to give you some tips for staying warm in your house and don’t forget to share this with the rest of your family just as a wee tip because they will really appreciate it. But let’s just get right into it. Oh and that reminds me, make sure to read the text underneath each tip for more explanation and how to do it for optimum warmth.

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1. Turn On The Heating

Now I know that sounds like a bit of a stretch, but the easiest way for you to stay warm inside in every room of your house is to turn on the heating. Surprisingly enough it isn’t that hard to do so and can work quickly. I know some people may complain about the money but the truth is you would rather be warm and spend a bit more money or be literally dead with more cash that you can’t even use. So definitely this is a great one to think about

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2. Put On a Jumper

Make sure to read this explanation because it is important. What you want to do is look in your wardrobe and pick out a nice thick jumper. This will really help to keep you warm when you go downstairs to turn on the heating. So while that is 2 steps, it is very effective and one of my favourites

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3. Put On Slippers

I highly recommend this for those who have wooden or tiled floors because it is scientifically proven that cold feet will make the rest of you cold. Surprising isn’t it! So it’s important you have something on your feet for going downstairs to turn on the heating to your house

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4. Go Into A Smaller Room

The science behind this is that smaller rooms stay warmer because the heat is less dispersed. That is why I go to my utility room which is the smallest in my house and conveniently also where my heating controls are. So I go into the small room until the heating is on for long enough and then go back to my nice toasty bedroom.

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5. Stay Close To People

So I suppose this isn’t the best during ‘rona and also isn’t great for people who don’t really like… people. But this is great because of body heat and shit. Like penguins do it. So how to start with that is just whenever you have to go do something no, do it with someone else. This could be going to the toilet, going to watch tv, or in this circumstance, going to switch on the heating. So yeah that is a great way to stay warm

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6. Stay Active

I know that a lot of you will see this and be like “umm the fuck? I’m not doing that” and then swipe but it doesn’t actually last that long and you can do it in your house, so depending on how big your house is, this could take somewhere from 1 minute to 3 minutes. So here it is and listens closely because it is quite tricky, go down the stairs (making sure to take deep breathes) which is great for cardio. Then go and click the button to turn on the heating (don’t pull a muscle pls) which is great for muscle strength and then go back up the stairs but slowly so that you can cool down a bit and then by the time you have cooled down from the exercise the heating will keep you at a comfortable temperature

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7. Speak To Others

Communication is key and we need to recognize how it can also help us achieve some stuff that we need. You might be wondering how speaking can help you to warm up, and it is really simple actually. All you have to do is take a deep breath, and at the top of your lungs you shout “can some turn on the heating?!” The only fault is that sometimes parents won’t want to do that so it could mean that you have to resort to some of the options that are above, but if you get the right tone and volume, then this is definitely a good option to go for.

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8. Shower/Bath

This one is actually no joke a good one but the thing is you will be warm during it and then when you get out it will be even worse than before so I guess you just gotta weigh up the pros and cons at that point. And for me, baths are boring as fuck but I like the sound of them so when I have one I basically have to just bring my whole bedroom in with me so I have something to do. It’s also hard to get the right balance between boiling hot and sweating your ass off and being absolutely freezing. So I usually go for the classic shower, not that you give a fuck.

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9. Use Single-Use Plastic

This may be confusing for some but if we keep using plastic the way we have done for a while, our whole entire earth will warm up. I’m pretty sure it’s called global warming or some shit but yeah although it may take a year or so, we could soon have natural heating. It could kill us all but then again at least we would die warm. Every cloud has a silver lining. *pls understand this is a joke because I don’t want David Attenborough and Greta Thunberg running after me*

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10. Listen To Anti-Vaxxers

This may seem hard to be able to achieve but it actually isn’t. There are surprisingly a lot of idio- I mean people who don’t want the vaccine. You can find them in the streets, but other hotspots include the Managers office of your closest restaurant or supermarket. There is also many reported to be near your local town hall and can be recognized by their chants “we want freedom” or something along the lines of that. If they by chance don’t have a sign then just look out for the usual Karen haircut. The reason this will keep you warm is because it will make your blood boil. You will try not to punch them so bad and try to speak with them reasonably but that takes a lot of energy to do. So it will both distract from the pain of the cold, and redirect it to the pain that is society. I would even say that you can speak your mind to them because it can help to create heat by movement. So I guess just take your pic!

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Hilarious anti-vaxxer meme
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Anyways, that is me all done for today and I hope this did really help you guys. Also please don’t destroy the planet that would be greatly appreciated actually. But yeah no stay warm and I hope you have an amazing winter and that Santa treats you well. It’s already bloody stormy where I live so really getting in that winter mood :/ I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT


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What Comes After 21?

If you are like me, an overthinker, you will most likely understand this question immediately. And no, the answer is a little more complicated than 22. I swear if I get a comment like that I will literally erase my existence. Anyways, for those who don’t really get what I mean, let me tell you…. Continue Reading →

Emotion Comes In Shades

What do I mean when I say “Emotion comes in shades”? No, I don’t associate colours with certain feelings, what I mean is that emotions aren’t so black and white. There are layers, different forms of emotions. It’s more deep than just sad, happy or confused. And I think that is what people find difficult… Continue Reading →

The Most Frustrating Thing Is Frustration

Being frustrated is a vicious cycle because frustration pretty much feeds off frustration. Like when you wake up and you are annoyed by the way the bed covers feel, you get frustrated cause you just like “fuck” and you know it’s gonna be a bad day. And there literally isn’t any way to control it… Continue Reading →

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These Brands Are Getting Way Out Of Hand

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Up until last month, I used to think that Corona was the worst thing that happened to us but fuck me this is 10 times worse. I mean I know the pandemic was tough but this has ruined my whole entire life and all of my memories. It makes me physically ill to talk about so be blessed you get to read this post. So prepare yourself guys because I’m about to reveal what is going on. The problem is… the pringles logo😱

New and old pringles logo
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I’m sorry but they really did him dirty. Like what the actual hell were they thinking. He looks literally depressed or as though he just saw something he shouldn’t have. The guy has been absolutely ROBBED of his hair. Did he have kids? Is he papa Pringle now? There better be a good fucking reason because this is not my Pringle man. Literally, where did these eyebrows come from? Maybe he looked in the mirror because he got the same reaction as us. It really hurts my soul that this innocent man has been literally been taken advantage of like this. Don’t fix something that isn’t broken.

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But the thing is their excuse for this monstrosity. I kid you not they were saying it’s because they want to appeal to Gen Zs by being more minimalistic. Don’t put the blame on me bitch. I don’t claim any of this. Like why fix something that isn’t broken? It just doesn’t make sense. Maybe we like a minimalist house or designer shit but we love a good classic. Our generation is so anxiety-ridden that we love to see the same old shit as normal. That’s why we rewatch friends and the office. We like to be comforted by the things we already know and have known all our life.

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Oh but don’t think that this is only pringles. Nah, I’m gonna expose all these hoes. Let’s start with our old friend Doritos who have sadly been through an identity crisis and now think they are the YouTube play button

New and old Doritos logo
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I’m sorry you had to see that but you must be aware of the truth. You can’t excuse that. That’s basically a crime against humanity and when I see my therapist I am going to show him this photo and I won’t have to say anything else. It’s like he grew up and lost all personality. Get Doritos on some counselling now because that’s not healthy. I don’t recognize this brand. It was so full of life and Gad hopes for the future. It gave me hope but now it gives me “what is the point of anything if we all die eventually”.

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Guys, I just searched up new and old logos and I genuinely feel like I need to hide out in a bunker until this madness passes. Look at what Burger King is doing

New and old Burger King logo
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Who can I call to sue Burger King for this? Like… it was a joke up until now. What were they on when they were coming up with this? The only reason this would make sense is if they had an intern who was freaking out when they asked him to come up with a new logo or if they were high off their heads and going through some sort of mid-life crisis. I would love to see what their sales are like now because I’m ready to boycott them no joke. It’s actually becoming a global crisis and it needs to be stopped. They can’t take our childhood away from us because that was a good time in my life. I want my kids to live with the original Mr Pringle because they may not see a fucking polar bear or some shot so at least give them the OG packaging. Get your priorities straight bitch.

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This actually does sadden me and it doesn’t stop so I’m going to go and cry now. So yeah I’ll leave you with that and if you can get in touch with any of the people guilty of this crime then do send them this. Comment down below what you guys think and if you actually like them. If you do I would get that checked out, to be honest. But yeah don’t forget to like and subscribe also. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT

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A Hole I’ve Dug Way Too Deep

You know those situations that keep you up at night? Not the stuff that happened in the past, but the holes you have dug yourself that make your life a living hell. The moments that you wish you could wake up from. Yeah well, I am in one again and I’m terrified. I feel like it can so easily just collapse in on me and I will literally die. So that’s what I want to talk about today so I can at least get it off my chest and you guys will hopefully relate. I might also talk about the worst ones I have ever had to deal with because to be fair, my whole life is one big hole, but I know there are some extra ones lying around

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Firstly, let’s talk about the one I am in at the moment. So, nearly every day I walk my dog in this nature park thing near my house and it’s good fun cause she can go off the leash and get a runaround. But she also tends to torture every living thing that is within 500 metres of her, so she makes a lot of human friends. But there is this one group of people who we see the most and they are so lovely and kind and they absolutely adore my dog. However, the first time we met them, they asked what my dog’s name was obviously and I said what it was (I am actually not going to say the real name just in case they somehow read this and literally realise what has been happening after all this time). The first time, they didn’t hear so I repeated it, then the second time they said the wrong name and I told them what it was again. The third time they tried to get her name right, I didn’t really hear what they said but it kinda sounded right and it was gonna be fucking awkward if I had to correct them again so I was just like ‘yep’ and then went on with my life. I never thought I would see them again but now I basically see them every time I walk around there and they call her the wrong name.

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Why is this a bad thing? Surely it’s just a misunderstanding, right? NO! It is absolutely nerve-racking because that is the only good place to walk my dog that is near my house, so I always go there. They are also the loveliest people and absolutely love my dog so they would probably feel bad for calling her the wrong thing the whole time, or they would be kinda pissed at me and think I’m a brat. What also scares me is that my dog is an annoying bitch and she runs off, so obviously I have to call her back with her ACTUAL name, so I am scared that they are gonna hear this and then realise who it is I am calling and then be like what the actual fuck. I actually did that one time where I was talking with them and when I said bye I called my dog to come as well by calling her name and when I tell you my heart dropped, it was on the fucking floor. I don’t think they noticed though but it was a close one.

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I also get so scared that someone in my family will take her on a walk there without me and then they will bump into those people and they will be calling her the wrong name and then my family will be like ‘umm that isn’t her name bitch’ and then when I see them next then they will think I’m some sort of idiot. Or maybe if someday they happen to look at her collar and because it will be right in front of me, they’ll just slowly look up and be like “is that your dog’s name?” and I’ll just be like ‘yeah, is that not what you’ve been calling her the whole time? I swear that’s what you call her’.

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I’ll just have to be so slick with it if it comes to it. Genuinely I would make up some bullshit excuse like “I have a really bad hearing in one ear” or even something like “yeah well we kind of call her both names in our house because we could never settle on a name”. I actually had thought of saying that if worst came to the worst and I could just imagine me thinking I got away with it whereas they would be going home to plan the new walk they would take every day to avoid me. I’m really fucking scared though for the day that they find out because surely they will at some point and then they will probably bring it up every single time we see them again. At this point, I have known them for nearly a year and I would have to just move planets to get over it. Who’s for Mars?

So that’s the problem I’m in at the moment, but let’s take a wee glance back at some other awkward situations I’ve gotten myself into and have most likely contributed to my anxiety 🙂

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The Family Tree

I have actually mentioned this one before I think but I’ll say it again for those who haven’t heard it yet. So one day I met my mum’s cousin and we were talking about life. I had kinda just gotten comfortable talking with her at that point and she then went to ask me what my teachers are like. I always get a kick out of slabbering about this one teacher who is really strict and kinda has a reputation of being really scary, so I was talking about her. Then afterwards she kinda looked at my mum and was like “is that THE teacher’s name?” and she was like “yeah” and I come to find out that the teacher I had just been slabbering about was her step-mum! I just died inside and was like “but she is really nice though and we all thinks she’s funny and different”. I suppose what I said wasn’t awful but I don’t know if she remembers what I said and now every time that I meet her I am so uncomfortable and can’t forget that moment. Like I am always panicking that she secretly resents me and will shout at me for it. LOL

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Forgettaboutit

This story literally isn’t even serious and it was short-lived but in that one hour, I was stuck in that situation I had pretty much 10 heart attacks. Picture this, it’s first year, you are hated by every teacher but at the moment you are with a particularly scary one. You sit down and you to get your books but SHIT you forgot them! You can’t tell the teacher because she’ll eat your head off but if she finds out some other way then she’ll to the exact same thing! So what do I do? I risk it for a biscuit. I spent the whole class sweating my ass off trying to cover the fact I had no books. Even when she was walking around the room I was on stealth mode with my arms huddled and my back hunched over to cover the table. I would try to act really interested but also not attract too much attention to myself and then the worst thing happened. She was walking around again and I had kinda thought I got away with it at that point but then she walks a bit past me and goes “I know you don’t have your books” in the most PETTY BOSS BITCH tone that there has every been. Basically I thought in was slick but in reality I was just a fucking weirdo. So to my demise, she gave me a bad ping which is something we do in our school if we are bad or some shit and if we get three then we get a detention. So obviously being the first year I was I literally hated the life I had led as though I was convicted of murder. Like it really isn’t that deep but I’ll never forget the trauma. The teacher always knows. But the funny thing was I thought I was so slick about it. Like whenever she said that o me I was like “yup” and acted like I was just tired and unbothered but fuck me I was near crying lol

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Fake It ‘Til Ya Make It

I have had one relationship in my life and it lasted over 2 years. That seems like a pretty deep hole already but the other thing was I would try to be someone else just so he would like me. It would be acting like I loved superhero shit and Dr Who but like in reality I could not give a fuck for the life of me. But yeah so that meant a lot of convos where he was like “between someone and someone who do you think would win?” And I would be here putting on the show of my life like “hmmm well that’s quite a tough one because it depends on a lot of things. On one hand superman is indeed super but then again Thor does have quite a large hammer” and just make up basic shit until he was like nah it is defo this person. Then I would agree and carry on shitting myself because I don’t know half the people he was on about.

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I kinda guess that was unfair for the both of us but I was so scared that he would leave me despite the fact the relationship should have ended way earlier because it really was quite emotionally shite. But anyways I always acted like I loved what he loved and I actually watched Dr Who for a while even though I really did not like it but I wanted to be able to talk about something with him. If he were to read this and realize it was me I would literally have to admit that I had no clue what the fuck he was talking about the whole time. That’s dedication though but also do not recommend at all. I would literally stay up at night trying to remember who was in Marcel and who was in the avengers and I would feel so scared that I would expose myself by mixing them up. It’s sounds so fucking stupid now that I say it but like it was a real fear of mine. I swear I lost all sense of self when I was with him but it is what it is I suppose. That hole was pretty deep because we were friends for literally our whole life and if I were to turn around and be like “hey literally I hate everything we talk about” then he would think I was such a fake bitch which would be accurate but I would prefer he didn’t know that. Highly recommend just being yourself and not changing for nobody

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Lol I really just exposed myself there but even if he did read that he probably wouldn’t realize it was me because he never bothered to listen to shit that I said anyways lol. Yes that was an attack. But yeah I’m going to leave it here with one final question. What holes have you dug yourself into? Are you still in them because I could help give you some advice on how to get out. But don’t get me involved in some grave digging crime shit ok! 😦 Anyways, don’t forget to like and subscribe for more content like this and read my other posts that are down below. That was the most cringey youtube shit I have ever said. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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The Method Guaranteed To Make a Lifelong Friend

I’m not someone who is overly confident, or confident in any sense of the word to be honest, but I have found that there is something that people say when I first talk to them that instantly makes me want to get to know them and be best friends. I have also only really recognised… Continue Reading →

Growing up: Expectations vs. Reality

I know that title makes me sound like I’m fucking ancient or some shit but like I am only 16. To be fair though this is me nearly becoming an adult and like is one of the biggest changes in life so I suppose I can talk about growing up. The difference between me now… Continue Reading →

Is 6th Year Really Worth It?

I’m in lower 6th and yes I have only been so for about 3 months but the thing is that I didn’t even know if I wanted to go back to that hell-hole. The only reason I did go was because I didn’t know what else to fucking do and I have FOMO so I… Continue Reading →

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Are We Born Hypocrites?

This is quite literally an actual question because lately, I have been talking to a lot of people who go back on themselves and completely make themselves look like an idiot. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments where I’ve been unfair by telling people they can’t do something and then I go do it myself but that is why I come to you with this question. Are we born hypocrites?

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Think about it. Everybody seems to be one and if you say you aren’t then you are either lying or a robot. Our parents did, and still do, it all the time with things like “I don’t care if you don’t like the food, just eat it” but then they will never go near or even look at the food they don’t like. Another example is adults in general who say you must “stand up for yourself and not let anyone get you down” but as soon as you speak your mind and go against what someone says they go absolutely mental saying it’s disrespectful even though they are also arguing with you and now we must go to our room. This leads to the next point where they want us to get out of our room. So it goes from “go to your room!” to “get out of your room and have a life” and then to “stop spending so much time with your friends” and then you tell them how they aren’t being reasonable and the cycle starts again.

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But to be fair, I don’t think we can blame them. Our views change and so do our actions. For example, at the moment there are things that I would say I am never going to do to my kids like hit or scream at them. I also don’t want them to have no imagination by going on their tablet all the time. But will that be the case in the future? So here is me acting like the worlds best parent coach and being like “you shouldn’t do that” or “you need to be nicer and then they’ll listen” but I assume kids can get bloody frustrating and exhausting so the only thing you can do is give them their iPad or something. To be fair I will never hit my kid but like you get what I’m saying.

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You could have a strong argument that we are born hypocrites because it helps to keep us safe. It is an instinct that we have gotten built into us in the past thousands of years. We see it as a way to protect others and while we may not recognise it as hypocrisy, it is. And it bloody sucks when people don’t recognise this because then it happens more often and can lead to a manipulative person It can grow to many things so while hypocrisy may not be a bad thing, it is bloody dangerous and we need to recognise it.

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I wouldn’t say we are born hypocrites, but we are taught it from a very young age. Even from the little stuff like “don’t touch that” and then we immediately touch it or “don’t interrupt me” and then we lately completely interrupt them because we think we are allowed to. It’s just part of human life and isn’t really something you can avoid. You can try but it won’t work out because someday you might not look both ways when crossing the road or “just relax” whenever something bugs us.

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Overall, hypocrites annoy the living daylight out of me. Obviously, I don’t mean everyone in the whole world, but the people who are so clearly doing it but don’t understand it themselves. It’s people like the politics who are raving every day about staying inside and staying in a bubble but then flying off to a holiday home on the other side of the world. And it’s when you have a disagreement with a parent and they get annoyed at you only because they aren’t used to having their own child, who they raised to be confident and opinionated, come and challenge their opinions. It’s also when you walk near your sister’s room or tell her something important and she literally screams your ear off and actually makes you fear for your life, but then they kick your door open and rummage around your stuff as though they own the place and when you ask them to leave they just laugh and continue messing around.

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Sure it can just be messing around and harmless, but sometimes I get scared that someone I love will get so accustomed to it that they don’t even understand that what people are doing to them is wrong. Like in a relationship they may have a manipulative partner and they don’t find out it’s toxic before it’s too late. They don’t understand that you are allowed to give your opinion and argue about what you think is right or wrong. And we should be able to do that without being told off afterwards. If we keep getting mixed signals we won’t know what’s right or wrong so we just choose to do nothing. Just stay quiet and hope for the best because at least then any bad reactions won’t be your fault. And that my friends are how low self-esteem and lack of confidence can grow.

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I know that sounded deep as fuck, but I think what I really wanted to get across is that it is human nature to be hypocritical, which doesn’t excuse some people’s behaviours, but shows that you can’t please everyone. You sometimes have to go with your gut and what you know is right because people’s opinions and actions can change fucking quickly and you should speak up if you feel someone is disrespectful or incorrect. You should shout, swear and put the middle finger up to the creepy old man that catcalls you when he drives past, and you fucking better be whoever and wear whatever, you want because you are unique and worth it. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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I Quit…Was It A Big Mistake?

So I would like to preface that I am a 16 year old who had a part-time job so obviously if you are like a mum of 5 or something and you are thinking about quitting, I would think it through a lot more than what I am going to mention but like just for… Continue Reading →

Alexa | Let’s Discuss It

You know. I’m not going to start slabbering about this hoe about the fact she might be listening to us, although I have a few creepy stories about that, or the fact she might be taking our personal information, because I mean why the fuck would anyone want to know that. Today I’m gonna talk… Continue Reading →

I’m not above a fight

See, I don’t really like it when people are cheeky to me. I mean you can be upfront and shout at me and I’ll be fine with that. My sisters have conditioned me to that. But if you are being passive aggressive or cheeky in front of me or behind my back, I won’t hesitate… Continue Reading →

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I Have No Concept of Time At All

This is no joke guys. I have run into many awkward encounters because I have lost all concept of time. You know, I would have thought this was normal if we were in the middle of our first lockdown, but that ship sailed ages ago and I am back to a strict schedule and yet I don’t know what fucking year it is. I suppose November has always been a weird transition month but the thing is, it isn’t only the time of day or the day of the week that I get mixed upon, it is quite literally my entire past and present memories that are all jumbled up. It’s like I had been carefully compiling all my memories in an orderly fashion but then my brain got fed up and just threw everything everywhere so now I have no clue what the fuck is going on. Let me tell you a few stories to help you understand.

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I like to call this story “The Pantomime”, and here is why. So it was my best friends birthday last month and I knew it was coming up. I have always been crap with birthdays but this time I was so proud of myself and I was so ready, I had it in my mind that her party was not very long before her birthday so I was prepared. Then a few days before the party we went bowling and there was a wee arcade bit. So OBVIOUSLY we had to go on the tiny car racing games. This one was actually tiny, not the normal big ones, so I was laughing at my friend like “I’m 16 and you are almost 17 and look what we are playing lol what is life” and she deadass went “I am 17”. If that was a real car I would have gone straight into a wall because I was not ready for that answer. I was just like “but your birthday’s on the 26th” and she was like “yeah, it’s the 30th” so here I am holding my worst friend of the year award while being completely mind boggled about what day it was. Like it was as if someone just said I was in 2050 or some shit because I suddenly had no concept of time. Oh, and I called it the pantomime because it was behind me. It is a shite name in hinsight but just accept it.

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Anyways, the next story I am going to call “age is just a number”. So I was playing football, or soccer for the americans, in PE, as one does. But I overheard my sister talking to one of our friends and they were just having a wee bit of banter as per usual. She is actually a year younger than us but still in our year because she moved over from England and there is just a whole thing that doesn’t matter, but yeah she is younger than us. And I heard my sister go like “damn must be embarrassing to look 13” and I was kinda tripped out like “you scared me a bit there because I swore she was 14” because at that point I was bad at stuff like birthdays and ages anyways so like I was just glad I didn’t think she was 13 in real life. But then my sister and her starting confused laughing and I’m like what? And they go on to say “she literally isn’t 14, she’s literally 15” and I was like “what! since when were you the same age as us that is so fucking mad” and they must not have heard me because then a day or so later I was kinda still thinking about it and then I was like “shit, I’m 16”. How dumb is that! Like I would work out her age by the fact she is one year younger than us and I genuinely believed I was 15 and my world just changed.

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Why is that though because I swear if I wasn’t really close with those people my friend’s would be dropping like flies. It really just is not ok. Maybe it’s because I had been thinking about these things so much and for so long that I never realised that it passed and I still had the feeling of it coming up even when it had come and gone. It could also just be classic ‘rona making every day mush into the same. I always seem to get that feeling at night when I am washing my face. Kinda like a coming of age movie where there is a clip of his morning routine played multiple times in increasing speeds to show how boring his life was in school. That basically is how I feel every night and it is quite depressing I have to admit but I guess it is what it is.

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I think we all get those times where it feels like a Friday but it’s really a Tuesday and your whole schedule gets messed up and you literally nearly miss everything you had to do because you barely remember that you must breathe at least once every 2 minutes or you will quite literally die. And that’s a fact. Is it bad that there have been times where I’ve been like “when was the last tme I took a breathe”. Like deadass not even breathing through my nose or anything. There is just no time for that silly business. I should probably work on that to be honest. But it has never really been a problem for me. Pre-covid I was organised and got all my homeworks done the day I got them (which is actually more deep than it sounds cause that really fucked me up lol). But now things just sneak up on me. I don’t even procrastinate that much either. Sure I’ll watch the odd extra tiktok but that is the maximum procrastination for me… I think. I’m not even busy or one of those people who are like active and social as fuck and are just like “I just don’t know where the time goes lol” and away they are for their midnight 10k run.

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This past year really has just gone so down hill in every single way and I actually can’t even be bothered trying to stop it. I’m just sitting back and watching the edge of the cliff get closer and closer. If it stops, it stops. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. And I live by that to be honest. As long as people know that I do genuinely care about their birthdays and making them feel special then hopefully they won’t think I’m that much of a bitch and we’ll be fine.

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My question is, how did they cope with this in the fucking dark-ages or whatever because they didn’t have bloody google calendar sending you a fuck load of notifactions about what you had on that day as though it was a ticking time bomb. You’d have to know by the direction of the fucking sun and that is no use in the UK. And I couldn’t tell myself to work events backwards in my mind to figure out what day it is because I literally can’t tell the difference between what I did yesterday, or the week before, to today. Am I literally going out of my mind or is this type of behaviour actually normal? Should I be calling a doctor lol? Here’s me calling just like “hey so like what the fucking is my problem” and they just like “you ust a shitty person” and I’m like “ah ok thanks”. Thank god for free healthcare am I right 😮

Anyways, that was just my wee update I suppose. Please like, follow, and comment down below what things have happened to in regards to your messed up sense of time, or are you a human calendar that is like “damn do you remember on the 16th January 2006 when we literally saw that one blade of grass…” and you just have you shit together? Comment below I guess. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Train wreck of thought

I haven’t posted in a while, obviously, and I ain’t gonna explain why because it’s more boring than you think. It’s not like I went on a fucking trip to the Bahamas despite the fact I hope to go there some day if corona ever goes away. But anyways, a lot has happened like me… Continue Reading →

Makeup and Me

First of all, to the people who are in the comments right now saying “It’s makeup and I, not makeup and me” literally take you Hermione Granger ass outside or “I” will personally make Jeff Bezos land his fucking dick rocket on you. I mean would you slate Marley and Me for the grammar issue?… Continue Reading →

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The Most Frustrating Thing Is Frustration

Being frustrated is a vicious cycle because frustration pretty much feeds off frustration. Like when you wake up and you are annoyed by the way the bed covers feel, you get frustrated cause you just like “fuck” and you know it’s gonna be a bad day. And there literally isn’t any way to control it or just get over it. You just end up having a shitty day and know that so when you get frustrated at literally nothing, you are literally thinking to yourself “why am I even annoyed by this because it is literally no big deal”.

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Even when it is something you do every day, or something that happens regularly, it just is so much worse and you feel like actually crying. This was me the other day when I came up with this blog post. Like everything enraged me even though I am actually quite a chill person. All my friends would probably say that to be fair, but I kinda have to admit that I can be a bad bitch if I need to. Like I was saying to my mum how the police were in talking to our class today and I’m really excited to join the police now because there are so many opportunities. And here my mum goes on talking about that it is great because you’re not very intimidating or like loud or anything so there might be better jobs for you too. Here was me bloody flabbergasted. My mum doesn’t even know me. If the situation calls for it, I will pop off. I can shout, I can be intimidating. Don’t try me bitch because I can change it up in here real quick. I’ll flip that personality that a pancake before I let you shout at me.

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I got off on a bit of a tangent there but what I was trying to say was that I had a really frustrating day and normal things bugged me. Like if the teacher wasn’t making any sense that day, or the fact they are a very talkative person, I would nearly be in tears because I just want to shout. Let’s say the teacher wasn’t explaining it well even though there was such an easy way to explain it, or she would just keep repeating herself over and over again, I would literally be squirming in my seat. Because obviously I can’t say anything because that’s just fucking rude, but having to sit through that would irritate me so much. And usually, I would just zone out and not give 2 shits but some days it really hits different.

I have to admit it is quite a good indicator that I might be having my period within the next few days (not to enforce the stereotype). I guess that explains it and makes it feel a bit less like I’m just losing my fucking mind but I could do without it, to be honest.

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The worst thing that can happen when you are having a frustrating day is having to walk a dog that is literally sniffing every blade of grass that they walk past as if they somehow became sherlock holmes, so you can’t even walk undisturbed. WALKS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING like I walk to try and stop the frustration but then this cute, fluffy spawn of satan just does your head in. I swear I look like an insane, mentally unstable person because by the end of my walk I am doing the slow turn around with the face of anger. Like you know what I mean. When you are so fed up that you want to scream but like you can’t because they will probably take your dog from you and it also is just weird to shout in public. I mean I love my dog with my whole heart but I would be lying if I said I never felt like dropping her leash and just running off into the distance. She probably wouldn’t notice anyway because she’s TOO FUCKING BUSY LOOKING AT A PILE OF DIRT.

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But yeah, I suppose to sum it up, when you get frustrated once, you just gotta wait until you go to bed that night because there is no way to get rid of that bitch. Like it’s a tough road and it happens but at least for some, there is a more obvious reason. Just one of those things I suppose. Please don’t forget to comment down below what you think about frustration. Hopefully, you see my point about frustration being frustrating. Also, like and follow for more posts like this (it can get quite mental) and I’ll see you next time. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT

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Back To School. Could I be bothered?

The answer is no, but it is also a bit more complicated than that. Do I like the first day of school where everything is new, you get the new time tables, new classes, new teachers? Yes, you could say that. But in general, I really could not be arsed to go back. Lately when… Continue Reading →

Do You Know What’s Weird? Eyes

Because I am SUCH an expert in this field, I am going to talk about all aspects. That directly translates to, I think about this shit a lot and think it would be weird to have “eyebrows, eyelashes, eyes and under eyes” in the title. So I guess we’ll get into it, but first I’m… Continue Reading →

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Do You Know What’s Weird? We Control Everything

In this post, I was originally going to talk about how the hour change is such a weird thing but then when I was thinking about what to talk about I just got into a spiral of how us humans basically run and control the world. Not as in like there is a control panel to change the direction the earth turns or some shit but as in we literally control everything in it. Like it is so fucking weird if you think about it and that is what we are going to do today. Also, I’m not gonna get into politics shit or anything like that because I know people are gonna be like “you’re right we need our freedom” and all that shit but I am just genuinely interested and amazed by this realisation of mine.

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A planet doesn’t come with a user manual. Like there isn’t a massive book of earth management that we look at to see how to settle arguments or have a fucking safe society. We had to just figure that out. Like we had to create a solid foundation and create fucking rules and schedules for shit. Time didn’t exist in a sense. It was a thing I suppose, but only when we came up with seconds, minutes, hours and all that crap. Like that was something made up. They just needed structure and control so we were like fuck it and just created a clock. It isn’t something that came with earth.

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And we just change that shit up twice a year. I am not really sure what countries do this, but we do in the UK, where we turn back the clock an hour or forward an hour depending on the time of year. Literally no joke. And it is literally because of fucking farmers. Like it makes sense because they want more light in the morning but who knew they could hold so much power. I can just imagine a bunch of culchies coming down with their cows and being like “you need to change the time for this whole country so that I can work in the light” and the bloody “time worker” person just looking at them like what the fuck why don’t you just wake up later or just work your timetable around the darkness and then them just being there like “Nah but like I still want the times to be the same you know. I don’t want to wake up or go to bed 1 hour earlier or later each year”. What the fuck do you think you are gonna miss? A cuppa tea. Like we literally change the time like it is nothing. The whole concept of time is just chucked out the window.

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I think a good way to describe what I am thinking about is almost as if the earth is just a big fucking TV show. Like I could imagine it as either the show that has 10 teens/kids living in a house by themselves for a week or like some sort of reality TV show that goes to shit. We just have no clue how to function or keep any form of control and we are just trying to figure out what the hell is going on. They are dividing into groups, starting fights, destroying everything and getting pissed when they can’t fix it again. We are just a bunch of people given free rein to do anything. There are no goals, rules or anything and we are just trying to figure out our next move.

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It’s so weird to think of it like that though and I could so easily go into thinking “what is the point of humans” and that can get messy real quick, but it also amazes me because we just choose to ignore that fact. We are tiny spots of matter floating in nothingness with no real aim and we can really just control whatever the fuck we do next because there isn’t any expectation or form of monitoring. We, as a whole, can make the world be whatever the hell we want it to be. What about we all live in bloody treehouses and have literal tigers as pets? What if we create a time of day where everyone is legally allowed a nap hour? We can do that shit. It isn’t like some overlord is gonna open up the sky and be like “that’s against the rule 14358”. Literally, everything created in this world, whether it is a social construct, concept or physical item has just been made up to create some sort of order and reason for existence.

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We have literally done dot to dot in the night sky and then named that shit. People really thought they were doing something when they were like “that looks like a fucking lion”. I mean where they off their heads or something because that looks like literally nothing at all. I mean clouds I guess but stars?! That’s pushing it a bit. We could have no homelessness or hunger in the world but they are like “it is so expensive” but like that isn’t a real excuse because we made money. We don’t NEED it in a sense. Like why can’t we just do it? Build more houses, improve the environment and teach people how to farm and stuff. Why can’t we agree as a planet that this is important and we can all join in together to do it? It isn’t that hard. And I know we need to pay for labour and shit but I am sure we could work something out. Like if you help us build these houses then we will give you one for free or something like that.

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I suppose it got a bit controversial at the end but I just wanted to get across the idea that the world doesn’t have rules and we have just created it because we think it helps. Not everything is a solid fact or necessity but we have just been taught to accept it. But we are just humans flying through nothingness and it really just isn’t that deep. I hope you found that interesting and that you like, follow and comment on what you think about this topic. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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I Got My Results and I Feel…

I got my GCSE results yesterday and to be honest, I feel the same fucking way I felt last week. I mean there was no big sigh of relief or weight off my shoulders. I didn’t turn ecstatic, it was just another part of my day. Like it was literally just reading letters on a… Continue Reading →

Social Media If They Were People pt.1

Bare with me on this one guys because I know the title makes it sound dumb as fuck, but we need to address this shit. I will literally make everything make sense to you because I know you know this but you don’t know that you know it yet, if that makes sense. Basically, you… Continue Reading →

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Your Parents Were 99.9% Right

I know this isn’t something you like to hear but it is true, your parents were 99.9% right. Not about everything, definitely not, but they were about this one thing that they told you when you were literally a foetus sized human being. And what is that? Well, do you remember when they would say “you can be whatever you want when you grow up”? That is what they are 99.9% right about. You can literally be whatever the fuck you want in this world and I can prove it to you. I didn’t intend this post to be so motivating but if it helps you in any way then I am happy.

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Why are they so right when they say we can be whatever we want to be when we are older? Did they secretly become psychic or just got lucky? Well, I can’t speak for all families I guess, but in my family, they were making an educated guess. Obviously, they couldn’t predict what I would be but they knew that if I tried hard enough then, with their support, I could be anything. But the motivation and family aspects aren’t really what I am here to talk about today. Not all families have a great support system and are willing and able to give their kids the life they deserve. I’m talking literally and I’m talking facts bitch.

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You can quite literally be whatever the fuck you wanna be. You can become famous for literally anything. Don’t believe me? You can join all the bloody “great British…” shit and earn a living if you win or just take part in any way. I’m sure there are equivalents depending on where you live but if we use this one alone the possibilities are endless. There is the Great British Bake Off, the Great British Sewing Bee, the Great British Gardening Show (I don’t know the exact name of that one but you get my point). All 3 of the shows I just listed are so fucking random and different from each other and there are probably other shows for everything in between. Cooking, surviving on a desert island, being sexy beside a pool, watching TV. All of the things that I just listed actually make people rich and famous. Maybe that isn’t the goal you intended but you can still make a bloody living from that shit.

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Maybe being on TV isn’t your thing. Maybe becoming famous isn’t your goal. That doesn’t even matter because we as humans are so bloody lazy and we are willing to pay others to do the things we can’t be arsed to do or learn how to do. You can wash people’s windows, wait in a line for them, be a bodyguard, deliver people’s food or drive them places. I mean that is only like 0.00001% of things out there that you can do and when you really think about what the aim of each job is, it sounds bloody ridiculous. Let’s say a photographer. Obviously, this job, and many other’s, require a lot of skill and practice, but essentially it is just taking photos of you which you could probably do yourself with a little time and money. Like you literally pay people to do something that you would do every day. Now I know that seems like I am discrediting the work that photographers put in but I didn’t really know how to put it. It’s just to show you how something as simple as taking photos can literally make you a living and give you the ability to meet great people and visit amazing places. As long as you put in the hard work and become great at what you love, you can make that your whole career.

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Do you like drawing? Career. Do you like tennis? Career. Do you like walking? Career. Do you like arguing? You guessed it, career. As long as you fucking believe in yourself and are willing to become the best at what you do, no matter how long that may take, then you can make that your career and you can live off what you love the most. Don’t listen to what other people have to say because they just haven’t figured it out yet. People will pay for any shit, whether it is you doing something for them, you teaching them how to do it, or just watching you do what you do best. So stop feeling fucking embarrassed or set on a bloody 9-5 job and get to work.

But what is the last 0.1%? Why aren’t our parents 100% right? Well, because you can’t become the fucking Hulk.

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Now that I have completely ruined the vibes, it is time for me to sign off. Oh and I am sticking to my promise of posting more, but I was just in Edinburgh for a few days for the lols. But yeah that was irrelevant. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Let’s Discuss Billie Eilish’s New Album (2021)

To quote the bible, “God said let there be light, and he created Billie Eilish”, or at least that is my interpretation. And with this light, the best songs, fan groups, vibes and album’s thrived. I know I am a bit late guys because her album came out around 4 days ago but these things… Continue Reading →

Something I Realized About Being a Waitress

I’m going to try and keep this post quite small, kind of like the size of the tips people give. Yup, that is what I am talking about today and I would like to preface that this is in the most respectful way possible. I don’t feel this way towards young teen or people struggling… Continue Reading →

I Think I Know Why I’m So Stupid

Ok so look, I haven’t been posting in a bit because I’m busy and all that shit. Wow, I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it. Anyways, I reckoned I would post something today while I have the chance and I wanted to do a wee story time or something. And this will be… Continue Reading →

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Growing up: Expectations vs. Reality

I know that title makes me sound like I’m fucking ancient or some shit but like I am only 16. To be fair though this is me nearly becoming an adult and like is one of the biggest changes in life so I suppose I can talk about growing up. The difference between me now and me 5 years ago is astronomical. For example, I wouldn’t have been able to use astronomical in a sentence. We all grow in pretty weird ways despite the fact it is usually normal. I suppose we all reach the same point eventually but like each journey to get there is so different. So before I start getting into deep shit, lets just talk about some things that have shocked me, surprised me, met my expectations and disappointed me. And don’t forget to comment below some of the things you think I missed because it will be interesting to hear if anyone feels the same way or if I just over-think things way to much.

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One thing that I thought I would have by the time I was 16 or something was… a life. No, I’m joking, but also not but no, I thought I would have an idea of what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. I mean I think I had my life sorted out more when I was 10 than I do now because so much has changed and I have no fucking clue anymore. Like I always wanted to be a police woman and I still do but like also what the fuck?! Like what if I am crap at it, or what if I could have found the fucking cure for cancer but now I am just giving speeding tickets. Obviously police do a lot more than that and I really respect their work, but just to make a point. And I mean I don’t think that if I become a police woman that I will have that big of an impact on the world. I don’t mean that in a way that I want to be fucking famous but I would like to be remembered as someone who did something amazing that saved so many people’s lives. And while that sounds good and better than an office job, I don’t really want to have to work by a time table and for someone else who I might not be able to argue with if I think what they are doing is wrong. Like what if they are racist or some shit? It’s just difficult because there are pros and cons for every job but like it’s trying to weigh up how much the pros mean to you and how you will be affected by the cons.

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I had actually tried to start a business, like just a dropshipping business, but like I always get distracted. I literally started this blog to get my voice out there and, as you know, I haven’t been posting much. The thing is I get distracted by things that seem better that will get me places quicker, but look at me now. In the same exact fucking place as last year. Didn’t make money online, apart from a few online surveys, and although I do have all of you guys and the support has been amazing, I feel like I have failed in some way. That’s another thing about growing up that has kind of shocked me, or at least I new it was coming but never really thought it would be such a big thing. Failure. I have had a pretty fucked up life and maybe if I actually stuck to something I would be in a different position, but I didn’t so I’m not and I guess that’s fine. Like I am still young even though I am growing up so there is still time left.

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Kind of linking back to that last sentence, I never thought that I would feel as though there were time limits on life. I mean we all die and that is the main one, but I never thought about the fact that there are stages in life that you go through and in those stages there is almost a to-do list both with things that society has added, and ones you add yourself. For example, something on my list that I feel society has made more urgent is finding a significant other or going to uni, working, figuring out what the fuck I am doing and plan to do for the rest of my life. And some that I have added on myself are stuff like travelling and getting all the fun stuff out of the way before I have to start into “the real world” which gets closer and closer every day. I feel as though I have a timer ticking inside my head making me think that these are supposed to be the best years of my life but I am wasting them by doing literally nothing so when I grow up and maybe have kids and a stable job, I will regret my life and that I will never actually do anything beneficial or impactful. Do you know what I mean by that? Do I just sound crazy. I feel as though I only have a few years to live my life and then afterwards I need to live a life of always waiting forward to the weekend, but when it is the weekend I dread the week to come. Like once you start a job, that is your life until you retire, and then when you retire you may be lucky enough to travel but you’ll also be exhausted and unable to do some of the things that I should be doing now.

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That got really deep really fast so I hope I am not giving anyone an existential crisis, but I really do hope at least one person relates to this. Obviously I am still young, and mentally unstable, so I don’t really know what I am talking about so feel free to comment below what your thoughts are and maybe what you are scared for in the future. I’ll probably have to do another post about this in the future because it was actually kind of fun. Especially know that I know how to type properly so it is so much quicker and satisfying to get what I am thinking down because that shit changes quickly and when it’s gone it’s gone. But yeah, I am planning to focus on this blog from now on and you better make sure I stick to it because no matter what, I would love this blog to work and stay open for as long as I possibly can. Make sure you like, comment and follow so that you can stay updated about all the post I make that are going to be freaking awesome! I hope you have great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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The Olympics: Awkwardness Unlocked

So I was just watching the opening ceremony or the Olympics and I’m sorry but like how awkward would that be. Especially for the people that work there and just wave as they walk down and have to act as though people are watching them but like really nobody is. And then the actual athletes… Continue Reading →

I Hate Genes

To any foetus child out there who is like what the fuck are genes, basically they are the characteristics that we get from our parents and they make up who we are and what we look like. For example, I inherited my dad’s white ass Irish skin which burns like a bitch whenever a bloody… Continue Reading →

Who Else Is Pissed At Forrest Gump’s Mum?

Bitch, I don’t know much about this movie. I mean I’ve watched it and I know the general plot but like the only thing that sticks with me to this day and the phrase that every organism is aware of is when he says “mama says life is like a box a chocolates, you neve’… Continue Reading →

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Is 6th Year Really Worth It?

I’m in lower 6th and yes I have only been so for about 3 months but the thing is that I didn’t even know if I wanted to go back to that hell-hole. The only reason I did go was because I didn’t know what else to fucking do and I have FOMO so I didn’t want to miss anything. But would I have missed much? Is school really worth the 7am alarm and the boring painful days? Let’s discuss it

Btw this isn’t me about to talk about smart shit like “you need to go for uni” or “it will make you successful” because firstly do I even want to go to uni? I don’t know. And secondly it won’t make you successful because how the fuck would that make any sense. I’m just talking about whether 6th year is really worth the emotional and physical burden so that I can help people in a similar situation to what I was a few months back. So let this be your guide or some shit but let’s get into it more

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Teachers

Honestly, the teachers become your friend in a way. Like they actually talk to you and respect you more and you can slabbed about the younger years with them. Like I had always seen the really loud annoying people chatting with teachers and I was eaither like “how the fuck” or “why the fuck” but now they actually want to talk to us and it is easy to talk to them too. I guess it depends on how nice they are but for me I’ve been lucky. I suppose there is this one teacher who makes me actually shit myself but I think she doesn’t try to and like she is funny and tells us stories about her family which is cute. We actually had such a great convo about squid games which I guess is quite random but like we were actually all vibing over it. And then they talk to you even in the bus park and it just makes you feel a wee bit special and like before people would think it was a bit weird but when you are 6th year it is absolutely great.

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It is weird I guess to see your teachers as actual human beings. Like they talk about a life outside of school and actually being a living, breathing person. Obviously it isn’t like we are hanging outside of school with them but like they tell us stories about there weekend and while I try to look interested I can’t stop from getting an existential crisis. It happens though I guess. Teachers were actually one of the reasons I was questioning if I should go back to school or not because, to be fair all the teachers in my subjects are good, but like you do have preferences and I was scared I was gonna get crappy teachers who were rude to me but like not even. I love all my teachers and even the ones I don’t have you I used to not like are actually nice and respectful when you are walking down the corridor. It’s almost as if they realise we are a human with feelings as well.

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School to Life Ratio

Obviously I can’t speak for everyone and every school, but for me I do 3 subjects and that means I get a few study periods each day, well apart from the odd day where I have none, and so I get all my homework and revision and shit done during those periods. And do you know what is great about that? You guessed it! I don’t have to do shit outside of school. To be fair, I maybe should but like also I don’t really need to so like deal with it. You would assume that would make me have more time to socialise and, you know, be a normal teen girl, but like it just takes the homework out of my day and I stay my normal depressed hermit self. And I’m fine with that to be fair. It’s better than be a depressed hermit doing homework. So yeah, I feel like I was really scared that I would be bombarded with work and I would always have my head in the books like a DWEEB (jokes) but no literally I haven’t done anything at home and while there is a lot of work and it is a tad more in-depth and difficult, I get to study the subjects I genuinely like and that always makes it easier. So you don’t have to study things you don’t give two fucks about and it is more of a relaxed atmosphere. But I don’t know, maybe I should be doing work outside of school. I guess I’ll figure that one out but at the moment I am getting by with just in school. I’ll keep yous updated I suppose…

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School Status

I actually hate that sub-heading because I sound like the start of every ‘coming of age’ American high school movie to ever exist but I just don’t know what else to name it because, believe it or not, I am not a walking thesaurus. But just ignore that and we’ll move on. So what I mean is that, you know when you are in first year on like p1 or maybe just one of the younger years and you see the older ones walk by and you think they are the scariest, coolest people to ever exist and their presence is a blessing to you. Well, you kinda get to witness that in a new perspective. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel that way about myself and I do genuinely get scared of the small first years who literally have no filter or understanding of actual social etiquette after ‘rona, but there are a lot and when you walk into the 6th form room or just walk past them at all, you know they are looking up to you and that you will be in the right no matter what. In short, you basically run the school. Well, more so the upper 6th but like we are nearly there so deal with it. I do feel kinda bad sometimes though because in school I sometimes look like a bitch but like it kinda is their fault cause there annoying as fuck, but I feel like they might think I am judging them, but like I am not (not too much anyway) so like I don’t want to make them panic I suppose. So yeah lol, you definitely do finally have that power and knowledge that we instil some fear in their lives.

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But yeah, I suppose that is the post all done. To summarise, I guess I would say that 6th form is so different from other years. It is more chill in terms of the number of classes, relationships with the people in your year and your teachers and just the overall respect and trust they give you. It feels more like a home I suppose and for anyone reading this to help them figure out whether they should or shouldn’t stay in school, I say don’t focus on the work because if you don’t go then I assume you don’t want to go to uni, which is perfectly fine as well, but I mean having bad grades is equal to having no grades at all, but you still get the experience of school. I am glad I stayed on to be honest and I would say just to think about what you genuinely want. Not what society or your parents want you to do, but what you think is best for you. Obviously all schools are different but I really enjoy school at the moment and that is a lot coming from someone who had the worst fucking years of school EVER. And I mean I was crying most nights and genuinely thought I would never make friends or go to a party or anything like that. But listen, you will get through it and if you go to 6th year and realise it isn’t what you expected/need in your life, then fucking leave. It’s voluntary and free (in public school anyways) so just test the waters because what have you got to lose? Pretty much nothing.

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Also I feel like a lot of people wonder if being in voluntary school makes it easier because you aren’t forced to go by law, but like I don’t really think about it that much. Like it doesn’t affect how I think of school or studying. It doesn’t make me more or less motivated. It’s just a fact an nothing else. So yeah, I hope that helped and please do like, follow and comment if there are any other questions or problems you would like me to talk about. Let me be your older sister in a sense because it is a hard decision to make, I must admit. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Summer In The UK Is No Fucking Joke

You see, I have been to Florida, California, Turkey, Spain and some other places and they have all been really warm. Like obviously they were roasting places, but not one of them (well, maybe Florida) roasted or toasted me like the UK does. It’s as if the sun piled up all it’s heat that is… Continue Reading →

The Best Part About Having Great Friends

Now, I ain’t tryna rub this in anyone’s face or nothing but like, I have a small group of really close friends and despite the fact it took me a while to get over myself and make friends, it was totally worth it because we are so close. We have never had fights like everyone… Continue Reading →

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I Quit…Was It A Big Mistake?

So I would like to preface that I am a 16 year old who had a part-time job so obviously if you are like a mum of 5 or something and you are thinking about quitting, I would think it through a lot more than what I am going to mention but like just for the lols I am going to tell you my personal opinion.

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I had been working at a restaurant for ages and like it was good and stuff but like also fucking horrible because I was paid fuck all, I was treated like shit but customers and other staff and I was literally working very illegal hours. Like I worked 11 and half an hour shifts one time. And at the end of that shift I was scared that this drunk couple were about to jump me or something. I did love the drama to be honest, but like that was only every once in a while. Tips were alright like but I also don’t think that is the main reason I quit because I mean I feel bad for expecting tips. But I mean even fucking 10p to show your appreciation would be great. But no, I hated the job after a few months of working there and my manager was doing my fucking head in so I just quit. Let me explain some things more for you though to show you why I quit and then I’ll sum up my feelings and regrets.

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The Staff

Where the fuck do I even start. Well, I guess I’ll say that the other waiters and waitresses where all lovely and it was my bad for not speaking to them much because I am quite as fuck, but like I do kinda miss that side of it. But there was this one chef who thought he was Gordon fucking Ramsey and would shout at everything you did. He would switch it up sometimes though and would actually be nice but then I would know that in the moment because I was scared that if I laughed or smiled he would dice me up and put me in a stew. So he definitely did my head in and made work a living hell. The thing is that he wasn’t even head chef and would shout at you for nothing. My manager would be like that too. Like they were bipolar as fuck I swear to god. At the start I thought that my manager was really nice and that I just wasn’t good at my job/she was trying to hold in her judgements. But then a few days before I quit, me and the other people working were talking about how fucking annoying she is. Like the best way to explain it is if a Karen did a sneaky twist and actually became the manager. No joke. She had that “school receptionist/nurse” walk and just would stare at me with her eyes wide opening if I even breathed in her direction.

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There was one time when it was really busy and I was like what the fuck is even going on and I thought I had just got everything under control and she came over and was like “why didn’t you ring these on?” and then I realised I forgot to ring on some drinks so I was like oh sorry but she was obviously pissed which I guess is understandable but also simmer down. And then later on I forgot again because I was just busy and it went out of my head, and then in front of the fucking customers (who were actually very nice) she went right up in my face and was like “why did you do that again? You can’t do that. That’s really bad. Why are you doing that? This is so bad for the business!” And here I am nearly in tears while she acts like I just bombed the place and the customers are right there and I am just smiling and apologising awkwardly. But I wish I could have said something and walked out because that would have been a bomb moment.

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And the thing is, and I realise it now, is that I don’t get paid to give a fuck. I really don’t care if a fucking drink isn’t put on the bill. Maybe tell me again in another £5 pay raise and then we can talk, but like I am the one doing you a favour. I could quite easily get some police down and they would have a field day finding evidence that it is a sketchy fucking employment system, but no, I am going to try my best and if it doesn’t work out then fuck off.

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The Hours

So I am in 6th year, which basically means my last 2 year before I go to uni, so it’s stressful and a lot of work, but then I would have to end up doing a work shift after all that as well. Obviously that isn’t there fault because it was my choice, but that was a me problem. The weekend hours and the lack of breaks was what did it for me. So I said before that I did a 11 and a half hour shift, and that wasn’t my first one. I had done 2 other 11 hour shifts before and there was a time where I worked 6 days in a row. I mean I got the money and stuff but here is the catch. Firstly, that is illegal to even offer my age group those types of hours, and secondly, if your shift was over 5 hours, you were only given a 20 minute break. And it doesn’t mean that you get another 20 minutes after 10 hours. No. No matter how long your shift is, as long as it is over 5 hours you only get 20 minutes. It was paid to be fair but like here I am on an 11 hour shift and only 20 minutes break. I would gladly take an unpaid break because I was exhausted at the end. That basically from open to close and having to cope with all the lunch and dinner waves of people. Have to admit I was near in tears all of those times. And this was all on a minimum wage job which is like £4.62 per hour, so I wouldn’t even come home with enough to make it worth it. I would come home with some change and fucking back problem.

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Customers…

Do I even need to elaborate on this one? NO. But I will anyways. Don’t get me wrong, there are so many really nice customers that literally make your day and it doesn’t even take much to be in that category. Just a thank you and smiling and not ignoring them. Also, if they’ve made a mistake they have probably had a rough day so just be kind and act like it isn’t a problem. Now that we have cleared that up, lets talk about the Karen’s that you meet.

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To be fair, I don’t think I have met them all because I only worked for a few months, but like I have seen more than enough. I have had people be like “this coke is flat” 10 minutes after I gave it to them. Like obviously it’s gonna go flat if you leave it for ages. I have had people swear at me, make me feel uncomfortable *cough*men*cough* and people that are just done right fucking rude. And I can’t do shit about it. There was this one time where this guy was like “can I call you honey” and here is me, 16 years old, just wanting to get his order and finish my fucking shift and just like “ha…” like what the fuck do I say. He literally could have been my granda but like… the audacity of this hoe.

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There are also some guys that just wink at you, but I think that a majority of the time it is just what they do because they are literally with their girlfriend. So here I am literally “is that everything” and the guy is just here 😉 winking away and I’m like, charming tbh, but also what the fuck. It is funny though to be honest, especially when they pronounce things weird (although tbh I don’t know how to pronounce some of them) and there are times where people are like “what should I get” but as a literal question and I’m here like “I really don’t fucking know or care. Like I literally have 5 other tables and I don’t give a fuck” and here I am “umm people really like the crispy chilli chicken” and they go for something completely different like “oh right, I’ll go for the fish pie then please” and I’m just there like what the fuck. So 10/10 don’t recommend you do that to anyone.

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So I think I am going to wrap it up there but also I have to tell you whether or not I regret quitting and whether or not it was a mistake. I have 2 words for you, FUCK NO. Best decision of my life. I mean I was depressed before my job but during it, that was shit. Like I now have a bit of time to myself, I don’t have to stress our about everything or whether or not table 6 got their bloody bbq sauce. Maybe it just wasn’t for me, but waitressing is not my thing and I respect those who do that as a full time job because I could not be coping. But yeah, that’s me all done and I hope you found this amusing or eye-opening in some sort of way. So if you take anything from this post, let it be this. You are the one doing your boss the favour, not the other way around, so leave that hoe. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Ok, But Like Where’s The Need?

So, with making this blog I wanted to make sure I was completely honest with you guys. I know that makes it sound really scary as though I’m gonna be like “I am Michael Jackson, I in fact did not die” but it isn’t that deep. It’s just a thing that most of us go… Continue Reading →

Do I Have Anger Issues Or Was She Just a Bitch?

You guys need to settle something for me today because just this morning I was confronted by a crazy, telly-tubby lookin’ ass bitch on my walk and she really angered me, I will tell the story in a sec, but when I told my mum she seemed unfazed. So today, with your opinion, I will… Continue Reading →

My First Holiday In Two Years

I feel like in 30+ years, there is gonna be someone that stumbles upon this post and be like “imagine not being able to teleport to wherever the fuck you want or even just hop in your flying car. Imagine how boring it would be especially as they don’t have phones built into their heads”… Continue Reading →

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Alexa | Let’s Discuss It

You know. I’m not going to start slabbering about this hoe about the fact she might be listening to us, although I have a few creepy stories about that, or the fact she might be taking our personal information, because I mean why the fuck would anyone want to know that. Today I’m gonna talk about the dumb blonde bitch energy that she radiates. Now, I’m blonde so I feel like I can say that without adhering to the stereotype, but even if I wasn’t, we would have to give it a pass because of the accuracy. So yeah, let’s discuss alexa for a minute

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Literally any time that I ask her anything, I am waiting either for the “sorry I don’t know that one” or just complete silence. Like if you ask her any more than “what time is it” she panics. And she trys to be slick with it too. She just don’t speak and act like she didn’t hear you, but you can see that blue light moving around and then just go away. I mean what the hell. And I also can’t cope whenever I ask her something like “set a 5 minute timer” for dying my eyebrows or something and then she keeps going like “do you want to name it? Do you want me to wake you up with calming sea noises? Shall I set five other unnecessary timers just incase?” and by the time she’s done with all the questions, it’s been like 10 minutes. So I’m sitting here with my now slug-looking eyebrows and the bitch just sit there like “5 minute timer, starting now”. But don’t even speak to me if I go to cancel it and she’s like “there are no timers” like shut the fuck up, there really just is.

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I’m convinced that just me typing the word alexa is gonna get her telling me random crap because she only hears her name whenever you don’t want her to but when you literally scream at her, she goes deaf. I mean I know you in there. I see that blue light of yours and I ain’t having it. But like really it scares the shit out of me especially on tiktok because people say alexa a lot and they never ask anything normal, so all of a sudden my alexa rises from the dead like “playing WAP by Cardi B” while my parents are in the room below me like what the fuck. It ain’t too useful.

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I remember when she was literally the best thing though and everyone was proper loving it, but I think that built up her ego and now she can’t live up to that standard so has just given up completely. But then out of nowhere she pulls out a weird feature. Now my mum can “drop” into my room through the alexa without any warning. The first time it happened I nearly shat myself because I just heard this little fairy music and all of a sudden my Mum’s voice like “helloooo”. Here was me looking around the room like fuck this shit, where the fuck are you. I mean privacy is non-existent now. And to elaborate further for those who didn’t know about this feature, it’s is basically like getting a call but it instantly gets you through. They don’t ask you shit about whether you want to answer and you have no clue who it is until their voice shoots out, but the truth is that you can barely hear them. Now, my parents are usually hard to hear anyways, but like it isn’t any better when you hear this crackly, far-away, laggy fucking speaker.

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And you know, in all honestly, what were we expecting? Value for our money? Nah, Jeff Bezos isn’t about that lifestyle. He is make cheap and sell expensive. I’m sure he isn’t the only one but he sure as hell is the only one getting away with it. I’m also a bit bored of this convo now and will sign off, but I am also planning on posting more because I’m gonna quite my dumb fucking job, and I have so many stories to tell about that so don’t forget to follow and comment below what you think happened. I’ll give you one hint, illegal. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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“You look just like your dad”

Let’s play a quick game of never have I ever. Never. Have I ever needed to hear that. Never have I ever wanted to hear that. Never have I ever felt good after hearing that. Never have I ever gone to someone’s house and they didn’t say this. Never have I ever been more offended…. Continue Reading →

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I’m not above a fight

See, I don’t really like it when people are cheeky to me. I mean you can be upfront and shout at me and I’ll be fine with that. My sisters have conditioned me to that. But if you are being passive aggressive or cheeky in front of me or behind my back, I won’t hesitate to fight.

No this isn’t coming out of the blue guys, but something I did yesterday kinda got my blood boiling if you get me. Anyways, here I was at my friend’s house for moral support because I was about to call my work and be like “hey girl so for medical and educational reasons I’m not gonna be able to work more than 8 hours a week but obviously I can work more on holidays thanks”, and here my manager does the longest sigh ever, literally I could almost smell her stinking breathe it was that loud, and I was like shit what is about to happen. Then this bitch really stops the sigh and goes “that’s not really helpful for us”

😮 Did I ask?! No I think the fuck I didn’t so why the hell did you have to say that. Would you prefer I didn’t work any hours? Do you want me to quit because I’ll be more than happy to get out of this bitch. Like I actually don’t even like work. When I tell you I was shocked, I mean I was back-from-war-tazer-in-the-back shocked. I still am at the moment tbh.

But anyways, after that, I paused because I was in denial at that stage or something and then I was just like “Ummm well… It’s for medical reasons as well” because my doctor told me to say that so she legally couldn’t fire me for it (I also wouldn’t care if she did because then id use and never have to work again, I’m not too proud to miss that opportunity bitch) and here she was acting all nice again, miss cheeky bitch tryna get on my good side again. Like I actually have to go to work with her today and if she comes up to me and starts talking shit, I will happily throw hands. I mean I’m terrified of her too, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, but she barely knows me and doesn’t know how hard I can hit. BTW this is a joke don’t be calling the police

Anyways yeah that happened and it really made me realise how much I HATE, despise, loath, work. Do I get paid minimum wages to only get a 20 min break during illegal hours?! I think the fuck not. Like I have enough money saved to get my ass out of that hoe and I only stay cause I want my parents to be proud of me lol. But you have to admit what she said was petty uncalled for. Like it was not necessary. I actually despise the working world and it sucks the little bit of life and dignity inside of me.

So what do you guys reckon I should do? Quit or just realise that this is life. Also if anyone is like a law person, is there any way I could use for doing illegal hours with only a 20 minute break. I mean that would be ideal lol. Hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Weekly Reminder

I’ve heard a lot of people mention something that their therapist once told them to do. They said “the other day my therapist told me to look over at an empty chair and imagine child you sitting on it. They then asked me what I looked like and I said I looked happy and excited…. Continue Reading →

I’m Disappointed In Myself…

Hey guys, so this post is gonna be a wee bit shorter because I got acrylic nails on the other day and it is so fucking hard to type with them on so I will have to get used to it. I mean the fact I make so many mistakes with these really stresses me… Continue Reading →

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Sleepover Games Are Sh!t | Let’s Discuss It

Now, I can’t really talk for the guys on this topic because, being a girl, I have never been to a guys sleepover and no matter how old I am, my mother will never ever let me go to one. So if this is different for guys, if you even play sleepover games, do please comment below. I also want you to know that I am not talking about games as in COD or whatever the fuck it is you play now. I’m talking about the generic games like “would you rather” or “truth or dare”. NEVER pillow fights or some shit that movies make you think we do. It is not stylish at all. Not for me anyways. I sit in my baggiest clothes with my hair in a mess and a half dried facemask on that looks like I’ve got a weird skin infection. Not the nicest image is it lads?

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My thing with sleepover games is that they literally never end up the way you want them to. Like the person who is always like “omg lets play a game” obviously has something to say. It might just be they know something we havent told them or they want to get our attention. Like they’d be like

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Person 1 – “ok, let’s play truth or dare! Sarah, truth or dare”
Sarah – “mmm, dare”
P 1 – are you sure? I think I heard that you have to do a truth and then…
Sarah – nope, I’m picking a dare
P 1 – ok fine then. I DARE you to tell me why the fuck you were sleeping with my boyfriend!

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This isn’t talking from experience but like I know that it is like this for others. And even if it isn’t being played to attack someone, nobody ever has any fucking idea what to ask. Like we really only have one question and it either ends in 10 minute breaks between people asking the “would you rather” or you would be searching some up on google only to find that basically nobody on the internet knows any either. Sure you can find a few, but they are either so fucking bad that I would rather watch Riverdale, or so inappropriate that I could imagine a literally creepy old man writing them. Like I am comfortable around my friends but what the actual fuck is that.

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I can never think of questions and even when I do, depending on the game, I can’t even play it fairly because my twin is always in my friend group. So if I were to play 2 truths and a lie, I would only be able to play on certain ones and even then one of us might give it away or call me out for not telling the whole thing perfectly. It do be a problem and I remember in 1st year when we would do all the ice breaker shit and we did the 2 truths and a lie and when either of us was saying ours, the other would feel like such a main character. Just try to imagine a 13 year old smiling way to much trying to see if anyone notices that she knows the answer and can’t even play on this round. I felt so elite and would stare out the window as though it was such a struggle to exist under these rules where I couldn’t even participate in getting to know everyone. It’s hilarious to think back on but now, if we ever do it, it is annoying as fuck and if the teacher is like “oh, make sure you don’t give it away lol” I will quite literally leave the school.

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And I don’t know if this is just my friend group but like it always ends in us all having a really heart felt moment where we are all just letting out our deepest darkest secrets. It basically goes like this

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P1 – Never have I ever… peed in the woods
*everyone laughs*
P2 – OH MY DAYS you are sooooo silly
P3 – I don’t even want to answer that LOL

*1 hour later*

P2 – Never have I ever felt happiness since the day I saw my cat get run over
*drowning in tears*
P1 – I get you. We are here for you
P3 – Does it count if it was my nan instead of a cat?

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I do like that though because you get to know everyone better and it feels natural. Again having a twin makes that more awkward especially if you are talking about relationships because you don’t want to hear about their life outside of your world. Like it doesn’t sit right and it never will. Or like if you are talking about how you found something difficult and you tell a story, the other might be like “you are so dramatic that wasn’t even that bad” and they go on to say what happened despite the fact you both see things differently. And then afterwards it’s kind of like when you say bye to someone but then your car is in the same direction so it’s really awkward. I mean we literally did just expose ourselves and now I just have to see her every time I open my doors and it is awkward for a bit.

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Anyway, that is kinda what I had to say. If you have anything else that you would like to comment or add to this post, please do leave a comment because I love hearing from you guys. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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I Hate To Be That Bitch But…

You guys have to agree with me when I say that a lot of things we do nowadays is heavily judged. Like there are a lot of things that people aren’t willing to admit they do because people will laugh at them and call them a basic bitch or a pick me type of person…. Continue Reading →

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Makeup and Me

First of all, to the people who are in the comments right now saying “It’s makeup and I, not makeup and me” literally take you Hermione Granger ass outside or “I” will personally make Jeff Bezos land his fucking dick rocket on you. I mean would you slate Marley and Me for the grammar issue? I hope the fuck not so just back off Karen. But yeah, lets talk about how I attempt makeup all the time and it never looks good. Like whoever said that practise makes perfect, was an ignorant bitch.

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So why am I bringing up this topic? It’s relevant but also out of the blue so like what is the problem? Well, basically I was getting ready for a party and I was putting on some makeup, as one does. And then for some reason I had the bright idea that I might use eyeliner for the 2nd time in my life. Now saying it is the 2nd time makes it a bit anticlimactic, but the first time was a shit show and it was ages afterwards so like I couldn’t have learned from my mistakes. But yeah, as you can tell, the eyeliner didn’t go well and for some reason I have good eyeliner and this hoe wasn’t coming of for nobody so while I managed to improve it, I was still looking like a raccoon. Not ideal as you could imagine. But like out of the two times I felt the motivation to give it a go, they were both when I was running out of time and going somewhere I want to look good. Like it was not ok. I don’t know why when I am rushing I just think that a bit of adventure would be fun. This is coming from the person who needs a fucking fan group to get enough motivation to brush my teeth. Like make it make sense.

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Moving on… I also have to say that I don’t do makeup for just me. No, I don’t do it for the guys. I’m not that kinda bitch. I do it for everyone. Out of the kindness of my heart. Because I know for a fact that if you caught me without my eyebrows or mascara or concealer, it would be like you were in the conjuring or some shit. Like I look scary. I am pale as fuck, I have under eyes as dark as night and my eyebrows are just out of the question. It is not a pretty sight, trust me. I remember when I was younger and woke up at night and had a sore stomache so I would go tell my mum and when I opened the door my mum would jump out of her skin. I look like a fucking ghost and I have to live with that. Sure they say I just snuck up on them, but I know how I look. A creepy child in her pjs, half asleep, dark eyes, puffy hair and a teddy in my hand while I’m slightly hunched over cause of my sore stomache and then I have the high ass voice. I would have karate chopped my ass if I was my mum.

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I remember I was quite late to the game of makeup. I was a tomboy for WAYYYY too long and it really was something else. But that meant I thought I was “not like the other girls”. But when I grew up, I inevitably became insecure and was like “shit”. So I don’t know much about makeup except that I have to use the lightest shade and that unless the makeup proper burns your skin, out of date makeup is fine. I really can’t be arsed to learn anything about it though because I am a perfectionist, and I have the cheapest makeup, so when mine wouldn’t turn out like the one in the video, I would lock myself in my room for a week. Like I don’t have the patience for that. And also the videos are boring as fuck. Especially when you realise most of them are either pedos or bad people *cough* James Charles *cough* Jeffrey Star *cough*. I respect the talent that makeup artists have, but I really can’t be bothered watching your videos. But hey, I keep you in a business because I pay you to do my makeup. Not that I ever have got my makeup done before but I’m sure I will in the future.

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I do feel fancy as fuck though whenever I watch like a 5 second clip on tiktok of how she uses a concealer brush instead of a beauty blender because I look like I know what I am doing, and those moments are fun, but also short lived because I don’t think I do it right or just takes too long. I only just started like plucking and dying my eyebrows and shit and too be honest, I have been complimented about them, but I feel like such a pro even if I just brush them up. It isn’t that big of a deal dammnnnnn.

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Anyway, I kinda want to be finished on this post now because I am just rambling at this point, so I guess I’ll see you when I see you. I’ll try to do it everyday but you know how it is. Just can’t be arsed or have something else to do. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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It’s All About Perspective

Ok guys, we aren’t about to get into some existential shit today because I don’t think I can take that at the moment, but I guess it kinda will be but like to a certain extent, so kinda just be warned about that but lets get started into it. This is another weekly reminder post… Continue Reading →

To All The TikTokers That Are Fighting Each Other…

Lately, since the whole Logan Paul and KSI fight or whoever it was, all tiktokers and youtubers have literally been fighting for no fucking reason. I mean at the start it was fun you know, like it was new and exciting, like a relationship. But also like a relationship, they get old and you realise… Continue Reading →

Could I Be Bothered? | Part 4

I feel like a lot of people will understand me when I say that there are things that people can literally just talk about and that makes you feel exhausted or just unmotivated to do that thing despite the fact you aren’t even going to do it but the thought of it is so horrible… Continue Reading →

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The Biggest Difference Between Primary and Secondary School

Now, if your looking for some sort of “12% of children going into their first year of secondary school with anxiety brought on my the change of school” then you are out of luck bitch bitch there is one thing and one thing only that I will talk about in this post. And what is it you may ask? What is the biggest difference between primary and secondary school? The time.

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What I mean by this is the fact that primary school felt like a shit ton of time. I mean it literally made up the first 10 years of our life. I remember it felt like P3 lasted for a million years and the rest went a wee bit faster but still seemed to be never ending. Not in the way that it was boring as hell, which it was, but I mean it felt like it was my whole life and the difference between P1 and P7 was such a jump and thousands of years apart. Yet, in secondary school, I am going into lower 6th and I feel like I was in 1st year last year. It is so weird and although I do feel like I am this old, I think that time has gone by so quickly. But then I say that and in the moment it actually feels like a fucking long time. Getting through each year didn’t feel fast but when you look back and actually process the information, it really has just flashed past you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad it’s all over. I would definitely never do that shit again but like it’s weird.

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And I can’t even say “time flies when your having fun” because there was not one ounce of it. And that isn’t an exaggeration. Like, if anything, I should be saying “time flies when you wake up disappointed that you actually woke up”. Like that is true. And in primary school we had the best of time eating glue, scrapping our knees, learning how to not pick our nose in front of people, but yet it felt like an eternity. Literally make it make sense.

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Maybe it is because so much changes between P1 and P7. I mean you literally do go from a literal foetus child who only is just potty trained, to a preteen whose only personality trait is being the oldest in the school. I mean I am right aren’t I. And then from 1st year to upper 6th, you are actually fully aware that you are alive and have responsibilities and the only thing that really changes is you mature, you have a wee bit more knowledge, you get increasingly more terrified of the future, and, last but not least, your mental health is close to the point of no return. All fun right?! :/

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Honestly though, I don’t mean to scare anyone that is going into high school or secondary school or whatever the hell you call it because we all go through different experiences and that’s fine. So your experience may be great, others may find it shit and that is fine because it’s normal. This is just a stage of your life that you need to get through and on the other end you can completely forget it and move on or use it as a show of your strength. And I’m not gonna tell you some bullshit motivational speech where I say “these years are the best years of your life” because that shit hurts, but also because you are the one who decides what the best years of your life are. I mean if these years are utter shite and you think “that’s the best years of my life wasted”, just think that it can only go up from here and that those years don’t define you. You had to hit rock bottom so you could push off stronger than ever and reach the heights you deserve. They don’t define you unless you want them to, so just hang in there ok. It goes by quickly, yes, but in the moments where it feels so slow, you gotta remember that it’s only a small part of the big plot of your life. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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And You Did This For What?

I think we all related to this title a bit too much when you first read it. I know that whoever clicked on this was like “this shit about to be good” and it is because I am going to tell you about a few times that I have asked that question in my head… Continue Reading →

Going Back To “Normal”

Hey guys, so I haven’t really posted on here in a wee bit but like life happens so deal with it. Anyways, I guess I just wanted to just talk about how today I am kind of transitioning back into a normal, pre-covid, life. And what is it that I am doing you might ask?… Continue Reading →

Do You Know What’s Weird? Languages

Me, personally, I love languages. I don’t know what it is about them but I find them so interesting because the whole world has different ways of communicating and it makes sense to people despite the fact we have absolutely no clue what they are talking about. To be fair I only know Spanish and… Continue Reading →

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I Got My Results and I Feel…

I got my GCSE results yesterday and to be honest, I feel the same fucking way I felt last week. I mean there was no big sigh of relief or weight off my shoulders. I didn’t turn ecstatic, it was just another part of my day. Like it was literally just reading letters on a page. I did really well so it isn’t like my marks were the problem, but I just remember when I was in my first year and you would see all the old ones getting ready for GCSEs and getting the results later on and I would think they were the coolest people and it must be such a great time to see how you have done, but like I don’t know if it is because of corona or something, but it doesn’t seem that big. Like, it hasn’t affected me a lot and I never really was that worked up about it even before. I may have acted like it because everyone else was so excited but I didn’t really feel any different. It makes me sound ungrateful and I know that but it is true. It just doesn’t seem like such a big deal to me.

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Please, if someone got their results in the last few days, tell me if this is the same for you because I feel like it was a total anticlimax and I thought that something big was gonna happen and obviously it didn’t. Were my expectations too high? Was I too tired? Did I just not care? I mean even today, it is all in the past. You just move on. I don’t look at my grades and think of the great future I can have and how successful I can become with careers and shit. Like it was quite literally just a bunch of letters. That sounds like it was a really inspirational moment as well, as though it put everything into perspective, but it was just nothing you know.

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I also get awkward as fuck whenever people ask me what I got because I did well and I don’t want people to feel worse if they didn’t get what I did but still did awesomely and then I would look like that bitch feeling nothing for their results but overhyping their results. So I kinda just say I did well unless they specifically ask me what I got. It do be like that sometimes I guess. And my results are quite literally in among a pile of rubbish in my room and I know where they are like. They aren’t actually in the bin, but I always expected them to be like up on the fridge or like in a picture frame, but it is just there and I don’t give a shit about it.

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I called my granny on the day to tell her what I got and I swear she was more excited than me. Obviously, she wouldn’t be like “Ok?” and hang the phone up, but like I was just like yup. I didn’t fit the vibe check to say it in other terms. It was one of those moments where you are like “what now?”. I expect that to happen when I finish A levels or uni, if I even go, because what happens after you pass and everyone is like “well done” because you just go home and the world keeps spinning. Nobody else in the world is affected or knows of it and some people feel like their whole life has changed for good, but there are people just having a normal day. Seriously though, what did you do after graduating from university? Did you just go home and make yourself something to eat as usual? Did you wake up the next morning and have nothing much to do? I mean you have to start thinking about jobs and shit and actually making a living. It’s kind of just like another level of a game, just glorified. And I know this is probably dragging everyone done if they had a great day yesterday, but for me, that is how I feel. Just the same.

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I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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Weekly Reminder – You Are a Bad Bitch

The past couple of weeks my weekly reminders have been more low-key but this week I want to liven it up a bit you know. Like I want to remind you guys how absolutely awesome you are and how you should not give a fuck what other people think because you are the shit. So… Continue Reading →

Job Update (It Do Be Like That Sometimes)

So guys, I didn’t get the job, but I mean it’s fine. Honestly, like it’s fine. This was my first ever one to be fair so if I was expecting results, I would be a bit dumb you know. The truth is though, I don’t know what I would have done if I did get… Continue Reading →

Cancel Culture – Let’s Address This Bitch

If anybody doesn’t know what cancel culture is, let me explain it to you. Technically, it is just this thing were people ‘cancel’ (or make them unfamous) people because of something bad they said in their lifetime. And you might be saying “well I mean that doesn’t sound too bad” but let me tell you… Continue Reading →

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Something I Realized About Being a Waitress

I’m going to try and keep this post quite small, kind of like the size of the tips people give. Yup, that is what I am talking about today and I would like to preface that this is in the most respectful way possible. I don’t feel this way towards young teen or people struggling financially, but there are a few people who may have caused absolute hell to my day or are obviously well off financially that give fuck all and I need to get it out there to someone.

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Now, I haven’t been a waitress for very long and I also don’t work in a fancy restaurant, but I work my ass off and give them the best experience possible. Maybe at the end of my shift I am less chatty but I am polite and efficient. I think it is my first or second week in this job and 2 days ago I had my busiest shift. I mean there were people out the fucking door and they just kept coming. I was stressed with learning so many things and having to communicate and put those lessons into practice almost immediately. Now that may not seem all that difficult but when you are already always stressed and there is so much noise and movement, it is pretty fucking hard. But then at the end of the shift, after serving so many bloody tables and a lot of big tables with 6-8 people, I got less than £4. I may sound like an ungrateful bitch but even I tip when I go out. Like it may not be a lot but it shows that I tried.

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And you see, my problem isn’t with teens not tipping because obviously they don’t know any better, and I don’t care if you just buy a small snack for yourself and/or your friend because that isn’t a lot of work for me and it is only a small bill anyways. But I swear to god, if I have to get you one million drinks, go back and forth having to get different salts and sauces or you buy lots of meals and desserts, you should at least have the courtesy of giving the waiters a bit of recognition because new flash, this isn’t what we want to be doing on a Friday night. That isn’t your fault and it is our job, I get that, but I’m paid minimum wage and could easily do the bare minimum but because I value you and want you to have the best experience, I work hard. Also, if you think we are being slow, that is probably because we are handling a handful of tables at a time and trying to prioritize and remember all the shit we have to do next. We haven’t forgotten about you, we want to get you sorted as quickly as possible and for me, someone who is new to the job, may take longer and make a few mistakes.

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I have had a few embarrassing times, one just the other day, where I was so exhausted and mentally fucked that I just forgot the table numbers and I had to walk around holding plates of food and having no clue where it was. I would sometimes forget what table it was even for and then have to go back and ask the scary chefs and then I would forget what dishes it even was and have to act like an idiot. It is fucking scary to breathe and look you in the eye especially when you are fucking rude or ignorant. Even if you don’t mean it and you don’t necessarily do anything mean like throw water in their face, make sure you give them a smile and a thank you or just any indication that you appreciate their presence because if we didn’t have waiters, you wouldn’t get any food or it would be 10 times later and with worse service. Maybe you think of us as unskilled or something but we are important for you getting your meals and drinks and everything.

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So here is something I feel like I need to say. I don’t feel entitled to a tip. I don’t expect every single person to tip because they may not know that is what you usually do yet. But what I don’t appreciate is when you are rude and dismissive and don’t give a tip, despite the fact we were of great service. If you don’t have anything to give, we don’t judge that, but make sure you look us in the eyes and genuinely show you are grateful. That may just be me and I may sound ignorant as it is my first week but every single waiter out there needs a bit of respect. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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My Honest Interview Answers

Hi guys, so as some of you will already know, I have my first ever interview tomorrow. And I am shitting it to say the least. It has caused me to have many a breakdown and freaking out about what I should say about the generic questions and whether or not I would end up… Continue Reading →

The Audacity

Hey guys, so if you have read my blog before, you will know that I have a twin sister. We have pretty much the same friend group but there are a few people that she would be more friendly with than me because… well, I’m a socially awkward kinda bitch. But the reason the title… Continue Reading →

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I Think I Know Why I’m So Stupid

Ok so look, I haven’t been posting in a bit because I’m busy and all that shit. Wow, I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it. Anyways, I reckoned I would post something today while I have the chance and I wanted to do a wee story time or something. And this will be about the multiple head injuries I had when growing up that I think may explain my oddness and mental… imperfections. So yeah, there are 3 short stories so buckle up and lets get started

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Stairway To Hell

I’ve called this story the stairway to hell not because I did one of the wee rides or adventure things where you climb high or anything and then I called it Hell for a play on words. No. Here it is. So when I was a child, I was staying at my granny’s and at this point my parents were outnumbered, or just fed up with all our shit, and couldn’t keep an eye on everyone. So me being the adventurous child I am, I was wondering around, or at least I guess I was, I mean I don’t remember anything from when I was a literal foetus. But yeah, I got to the top of the stairs and thought I was an absolute smarty pants and that I could somehow get down the steps. So that’s what I did, or at least tried to do because I ended up falling down all of the and breaking my leg. Now a leg injury isn’t a head injury but I’m guessing I hit my head a few times on the way down or maybe I hit my head before the fall and that’s when I made that dumb ass decision. I think I kind of deserved it though. I am also being quite hard on a literal foetus child because they barely recognise that their nose looks nothing like the ‘nose’ they supposedly stole from me.

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Do you know what is gross though but also kind of cute and I see myself doing in the future if it came to that. My parents kept my little cast. It was like a full leg cast but is the size of my foot now. That’s kind of a weird comparison but deal with it. Anyways, yeah they literally just showed that to me one day and I was like “that’s cool but also what the fuck surely that’s absolutely minging”. It’s also kind of weird to think that we were that small and we have grown so much since then. Like we were all once little munchkins running around, slobbering and shitting everywhere. How beautiful :/

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Head and Spoon Race

Do you like my wee play on words there! Analyse this Miss English teacher bitch! Anyways that was intense, just like when I was a toddler at a restaurant and I was running around like we usually do. Don’t worry there was a wee play area there for kids that we could run around in. But anyways, I was running to go back to the table and fell, as one does, but somehow my head landed on a fucking spoon and indented my head. Apparently it was bleeding so much that my mum had to get a waiter to drive us to the hospital while she stayed at the back to control the bleeding lol. Thinking about it now, I hope he got a good tip or a raise or something because why could my dad not drive us? Maybe he was drinking? Or like why not ring an ambulance? Poor guy just wanted to get paid but no, I just had to get a spoon stuck in my head. How pathetic is that! Literally it sounds ridiculous. Imagine I died from that!!! DEATH BY SPOON! Stop that is too funny lol. I would turn into the girl in the story your mum tells you to stop you running around anywhere.

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I actually still have a scar from it and although it is faint and you wouldn’t really recognise it unless you stared at it for long, and who the fuck would be staring at me, but like it is pretty full on. It doesn’t sound very intimidating though. Like imagine I joined a gang and they were like “you see this *points at scar*. Bullet hole, 1986, had to take the bullet out myself and stitch it up with only the homeless guys hair and a rats tooth. Nearly lost all my blood but I survived for 4 days all alone in the gutters with nothing but mice to eat and then finally somebody found me” and then I’m just here like
ME – “damn, that sounds tough. But do you see this *points at scar*”
THEM – “mmmm no?”
ME – “RIGHT well it’s there ok! stupid bitch. Spoon hole, 2007, fell on the ground and a waiter drove me to the hospital. I had to get stitches from a doctor and was home the same day. And he gave me a sticker”

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Do you know what adds to it though. I literally had to get a cast on my fucking head because I wouldn’t stop scratching the stitches off. How dumb was that! The doctor was probably sick of me and was like “I’m going to embarrass the fuck out of this kid in the future” because now I have bloody photos of me with a massive fucking cast on my head. Maybe that is why my forehead is so big now! All the bumps just ended up staying there or the cast stretched it or some shit lol.

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Head and Seek

I can actually remember this one because it was in p6 ( which is around 9-10 years old for all the Americans out there). I remember it all and it really is hilarious. So I was playing hide and seek with a few of my friends, as you do, and it was a pretty intense match I have to admit. So I was going to run into the bathroom as a sneaky wee trick and somebody else was opening it and I went to sprint in. Full pelt in, but only my head got through because the door slipped from their hand and slammed my head. I remember being like “hmm, ok that’s embarrassing as fuck” and then my friends were like “OMG are you ok” and I was like “yeah, I’m fine” because I was so cool at that time obviously. But then they were like going to get a teacher and I was like “no, it’s fine, I just feel a wee bit tired”. I now know that is a sign of a concussion. I was also very out of it and confused, another sign of concussion.

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But then they were like “your fucking head is bleeding you dumb bitch”, or something along those lines, so I was like fine and we went to the teacher. Obviously she was like what the actual fuck, this child is literally bleeding and looks like she’s drunk or some shit. So they brought me to the nurse and got me one of their handy dandy wet paper towels (that defo saved my life) and I went on for lunch and got all the attention which I obviously loved. They had called my mum but in the mean time I was milking it to all my friends and was like “it hurt really bad but it’s totally fine, I can handle it”. And I distinctly remember someone was like “can I see it” so I took of the paper towel and they were like “oh my god I can literally see right through” obviously you really couldn’t but I thought I was the bees knees.

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Eventually my mum came to pick me up and brought me to the doctors who stitched it up and told my mum to check on me during the night to check I don’t become deceased and that was that. I came back to school the next day like the baddie I was. I don’t really think I got a scar from that but it defo jolted my brain a little and I will blame that for all my failures in life for no particular reason. It was a good laugh too I suppose. I also have a quick question for all the American’s out there. If any of this happened to you would you literally just risk it for a biscuit and not go to the doctors because of no free health care and all that shit. Would you just take all the nurses paper towels and sleep under them or something because damn.

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Anyways, those are the three biggest injuries I have gotten that have probably impacted my brain or the eventual outcome of a massive forehead which I very much despise. It’s all fun and games though and I’m still alive today which can be seen as a positive and negative lol. Hopefully that is all the head injuries I got for a wee while and just remember, don’t be a cocky bitch baby, watch out for spoons, and never hide in the bathrooms for hide and seek. I hope you have a great day, stay safe and stay yourself PERIODT.

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